Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 47

Thread: Female friend

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,983
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by irka000
    If I will say something, he will just conceal it all and will sneak around.
    This told me all I need to know. If you feel that your partner has the propensity to sneak around behind your back or has had a history of doing so, then you should already know whom you're dealing with. We make choices in our partners. You chose this person. You can un-choose this person as well.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,382
    Gender
    Female
    Youíve only been dating 7 months. While that feels like a long time, in the grand scheme of things it is not. Especially compared to a friendship of 24 years.

    I too would feel uncomfortable with the situation. I definitely think a Sat night catch-up alone without partners is kind of inappropriate. I mean, really. I have a great opposite-sex friend at work. We sometimes (rarely) hang out outside of work. I could totally see doing a catch-up if he ever left. On a Sunday afternoon or something lol. Saturday night is universal date-night. Even if there are no feelings involved, itís sending mixed signals and playing with fire.

    That said, I do think you are going to have a hard time convincing him of that. And you will come off as controlling and insecure.

    In your shoes, my strategy would be to express my discomfort with the Saturday night thing - but to tell him that since he already made the plans - it would be totally weird to change it - and to go ahead and have fun (and mean it).

    If he wants to cheat, he will cheat anyways. Saturday night. Sunday afternoon. Monday evening. It will happen. The desire to NOT cheat and be with you has to be there.

    ... and, yanno, if nothing has happened in 24 years - what are the odds it will happen that night.

    What will be will be.

    ... but I would definitely express my discomfort - because this should basically be both the first and last time this happens. If he knows how you feel and he makes those same plans again, you will clearly understand where you stand in his life and how important your feelings are to him.

    That would be my approach, personally.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,098
    Gender
    Female
    He told you about it, so he isn't keeping it a secret. It's possible there is no other day or a night for them to meet up. It's only one night, they are long time friends. Now if it was a guy he was meeting up with, would you feel he was being unfair? No, you would tell him to have a nice dinner with his buddy. Just because he has a penis and she has a vagina doesn't mean sex/romance/lust is going to happen. They are just going to talk about their partners, about work, the good old days, what this person is doing now, etc. Pretty boring stuff if you were sitting there with them because you have no connection, so let him have his evening with an old friend.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    You probably won't listen to this, as per usual, and apologies if it sounds harsh, but irka, due to your inability to speak up, develop boundaries, and stand up for yourself and what you need, he sees you as a doormat and has zero respect for you, I'm sorry.

    No sane man who loves and respects his girlfriend is going to agree to a Saturday night "date" with another woman, old friend or otherwise. Especially one his gf does not know, has never met, and whom bf has no intention or desire to introduce her to.

    This is just flat out inappropriate for anyone in an exclusive committed relationship, geez!

    IF they were just good friends, I'd be wondering why he never mentioned her or wanted us to meet.

    That said, if they are just friends, why not the three of you meet for lunch? Or a happy hour?

    Or even if he wanted to "catch up" w her alone, a coffee or lunch during daytime hours, I might understand.

    But come on girl, dinner, just the two of them, on a Saturday night?

    No this would not be ok w me, and imagining my own bf and myself in this situation, I'd be pissed! And not many things piss me off, but this would, and I wouldn't be hiding that from him either.

    It shows a clear disrespect, and if roles were flipped, I'd expect him to feel the same.

    Again, it's not the fact they're friends and want to catch up, that's fine. Coffee, lunch during daytime hours.

    But dinner together alone Saturday night? Any guy with two brain cells to rub together would know you don't do something like that when in an exclusive relationship, without expecting your gf to be pissed off.

    Course given everything else you've posted about him and your relationship, I'm not surprised.

    He has no respect for you.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,586
    It is somewhat weird, I gotta say.

    When I dated my partner, he was wanting everyone to know about me as he was happy and in love.

    7 months in is a long time, long enough for him to be wanting to "share" you with everyone in his world.

    The fact that he's not with this particular friend does raise a red flag and one you shouldn't ignore.

    I, agree that you should be finding out boundaries now and if his don't match yours, it's not going to work.

    To be quite honest, this whole situation shows how different you two are and how you treat one another differently.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    To add, I would not be making demands that he not go, not my style. He is a grown man, he can do what he wants.

    But after voicing my feelings about it, if he still chose to go, I would seriously consider whether or not I wanted to continue dating him.

    If he chose to go, then clearly we're on different pages re what it means to be an exclusive committed relationship, not compatible in that regard, so best to end it, especially after only seven months.

    We teach people how to treat us.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,586
    Agree with Kat!

    f I will say something, he will just conceal it all and will sneak around
    Wow, really?? Who the heck wants a partner like that?!? Anyone would run. People want a partner who is open and can communicate and work things out as a couple.
    If he is hiding and sneaking around, my vote is to dump him.

    No one has time for that waste of time

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    55
    Gender
    Male
    I donít know this guy at all so there may be way more factors involved here but, trying to see it from his perspective, a friend of 24 years is not someone he would drop or should drop for a girlfriend of 7 months. Maybe Iím being naive but people have friends. They can have guy friends or girl friends and, if they were friends before, there isnít a reason for them to not be friends after. And again I could be naive but I would assume that most friendships are not with benefits. I honestly think that would be my starting point unless there really was a reason to suspect otherwise.

    Iím just thinking back to my wife when we started dating and she had several very close guy friends, one in particular. But I never once thought they were getting up to anything I should be worried about. They were friends. And over the years, he saw us grow as a couple and we saw him find someone and get married. And like I said, I meet a female friend fairly regularly for drinks, food, whatever. I donít know if it would have been a good thing for either of us to be controlling to the point where we would have a problem with each other seeing friends - that in itself probably would have been the red flag, not the friends themselves.

    But yeah, maybe there are other signs here and maybe Iím too naive when it comes to these things!

  10. #19
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    150
    I was there when she called him and he was telling her he was with his partner on a picnic and she must have asked about my name as he mentioned my name. This made me think there was nothing between them. Although when he answered the phone he said " hey baby " ....I was a bit surprised as thought he only calls me that and his daughter.
    Saturday night arrangement is a bit disturbing.
    I can't say anything as I already agreed I was ok with it
    Otherwise we are good. He told me recently that he feels with me closer than ever. Some of you will disbelief given my insecurities so far, but overall we are good.
    I will wait and observe. If their meetings will be happening more often and he won't make attempt to introduce me, I have to go....I don't like crowds.
    Last edited by irka000; 06-01-2019 at 02:42 PM. Reason: Error

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,600
    @ Greg, no one suggested he drop her, or not meet with her, curious where you got that.

    Coffee, lunch, cool.

    But I ask you, if this were you and were in an exclusive relationship w a woman for seven months, would you (1) balk at the idea of introducing them and (2) plan to meet alone for dinner on a Saturday night?

    How would you expect your exclusive gf to feel about that?

    I dunno, I said this last nite but sometimes I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •