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Thread: Can I make this work?

  1. #11
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    I think it's really sad that someone can completely devastated and heartbroken from an ex, and people just want to label him as "broken."

    Maybe he's just...heartbroken?

    There's a HUGE difference. A broken heart is NO JOKE. It can WRECK you. It can make you feel like there is a glitch inside of you.

    We don't know what went down with his ex. It might not even be his fault. Some people just have a way of being emotional vampires...and sucking the life from you. Maybe that's where he is?

    I would suggest watching a ton of youtube videos out there on getting over an ex, getting over the fantasy of who you think your ex is, never take your ex back, etc. If he watches enough, he'll start picking up tidbits of good information that he can start to lay as a foundation to rebuilding himself.

    Rose also had some great advice about triggering. That's deeper level stuff, but you might be tapping into his heart when you guys get close, and that short circuits him.

    I have been where your bf is. And I have a BFF who is like you. And sad to say, but she needed to get away from me for a while because it was draining too. I would try to pull her back in because I missed her, but then when we got too close...I'd need to go away because it hurt. It was all kinds of f##@ed up. I was at least aware of it, and the damage it was causing. There's also the possibility that as great as you are, you're not as great as his ex...so he's never going to see you as "worth it". You're just "good enough" to not be alone.

    My advice would be to help him heal, but be his friend. Let him know you won't be having sex, or being affectionate. Not until he is better. Let him see you date other guys. Let him see that life goes on, and he will need to work on himself before he is ready to date.

    I'm so sorry for you OP. Sometimes really great people can just get messed up with their exes :-( And it takes a crazy amount of dedication to fix yourself.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    I think it's really sad that someone can completely devastated and heartbroken from an ex, and people just want to label him as "broken."

    Maybe he's just...heartbroken?

    There's a HUGE difference. A broken heart is NO JOKE. It can WRECK you. It can make you feel like there is a glitch inside of you.

    We don't know what went down with his ex. It might not even be his fault. Some people just have a way of being emotional vampires...and sucking the life from you. Maybe that's where he is?

    I would suggest watching a ton of youtube videos out there on getting over an ex, getting over the fantasy of who you think your ex is, never take your ex back, etc. If he watches enough, he'll start picking up tidbits of good information that he can start to lay as a foundation to rebuilding himself.

    Rose also had some great advice about triggering. That's deeper level stuff, but you might be tapping into his heart when you guys get close, and that short circuits him.

    I have been where your bf is. And I have a BFF who is like you. And sad to say, but she needed to get away from me for a while because it was draining too. I would try to pull her back in because I missed her, but then when we got too close...I'd need to go away because it hurt. It was all kinds of f##@ed up. I was at least aware of it, and the damage it was causing. There's also the possibility that as great as you are, you're not as great as his ex...so he's never going to see you as "worth it". You're just "good enough" to not be alone.

    My advice would be to help him heal, but be his friend. Let him know you won't be having sex, or being affectionate. Not until he is better. Let him see you date other guys. Let him see that life goes on, and he will need to work on himself before he is ready to date.

    I'm so sorry for you OP. Sometimes really great people can just get messed up with their exes :-( And it takes a crazy amount of dedication to fix yourself.
    It is not her place to play therapist. he needs to do this on his own. Also, it is not fair for her to stick around helping him, as it is painful to her. I'm sorry, but you are advising her to be co dependent and that is never healthy.

    "Let him see you date other guys. Let him see that life goes on, and he will need to work on himself before he is ready to date.' This is also very manipulative. I hope that yo do not do this type of game playing!

    OP, just walk, and find someone who is emotionally ready.

  3. #13
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    If your goal is to be a GF, not a therapist, then this guy isn't ready. I'd tell him that he can take all the time he needs to heal and work out his old business. If he ever finds himself ready for a committed relationship and would like to try again with you, he can let you know. If you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best.

    The goal of dating is to screen OUT bad matches, and timing can figure into that. We can't manipulate a wrong match into becoming a right one, but we can give people the time and space they need to reach higher ground. If it's meant-to-be deal, we'll meet them there. If not, then isn't that something we should learn before investing?

    Head high, walk forward, and if the guy is ever capable of giving you the relationship you want and deserve, he'll have no trouble catching up to you. Read my sig.

  4. #14
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    Thank you all so much for the advice! You really helped me trough this and it means a lot! <3

    I decided to walk away for now. I can't stay around just to make him happy, he should make me happy too. I almost lost myself in the last months, so I cancelled all plans we had made for the next weeks, and we haven't had contact for almost a week now.

    He started liking my old Instagram pictures though and it almost made me want to reach out. But I won't. I actually only want to hear from him if he has something serious to say about us, like he'll work to get better. I feel a little guilty for leaving his life like this and I truly miss him, but at the same time I feel so much relieve for taking charge of my own happiness. I deserve something real :)

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He is not ready for a relationship. If you continue, it will be crazy making and painful.

    I woud move on. And, you cannot be friends, or in any sort of contact.

    How long had he been broken up, before yo started dating?

    Maybe, you can reconnect in six months, not a couple- nothing will change in a couple of months.
    Thanks so much for your answer:) He was broken up with her about 2,5 months after being together for 7 months. So I'm not sure if that was too soon.

    You're right about not staying in contact, that would be too painful, but I'm having a hard time doing so. He seems to be doing just fine, started posting all his activities online for some reason, and liked some of my old Instagram posts like that is super normal thing to do...

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    You're instinct is spot on. I feel for you, I just got out of a short term thing with a guy like this. He seems to have all the signs of a commitment phobe. You might find more answers in the attachment theory, look into avoidants.

    If he falls into this category, there is little you can do, it's his problem, and he has to want to change and even if he does, it'll take time. I can't give you advice as to how to handle it, I have no idea. His actions just reminded me of those of an avoidant and I would be more than happy if I had that information sooner in my case.
    I read into it. Sounds pretty much like the problem he's having... thanks for the information :) It helps understanding what's happening.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It seems like the triggers for him stem from family and friends outside of your relationship and those relationships to those friends and family members. There's something seriously bothering him about spending time with each others' support network outside the relationship that's triggering severe reactions from him.

    I'm not sure if he's recognizing them himself or completely blind to them (as is often the case with anxiety). I understand you feeling drained. You should understand that this has very little to do with you and everything to do with anxiety. He hasn't worked these out or had the chance or the courage yet to face them. He has to understand his triggers or he won't move past these in any relationship he has now or in the future.
    What do you mean with the triggers? That he starts to doubt everything when family comes into the picture? Or maybe I understand this wrong:) he's not entirely blind for his anxiety, but he's also not doing the amount of work to get over it. He describes is as: 'the moment I think, this is amazing, I like her so much - that's the moment I want to run away'.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    I think it's really sad that someone can completely devastated and heartbroken from an ex, and people just want to label him as "broken."

    Maybe he's just...heartbroken?

    There's a HUGE difference. A broken heart is NO JOKE. It can WRECK you. It can make you feel like there is a glitch inside of you.

    We don't know what went down with his ex. It might not even be his fault. Some people just have a way of being emotional vampires...and sucking the life from you. Maybe that's where he is?

    I would suggest watching a ton of youtube videos out there on getting over an ex, getting over the fantasy of who you think your ex is, never take your ex back, etc. If he watches enough, he'll start picking up tidbits of good information that he can start to lay as a foundation to rebuilding himself.

    Rose also had some great advice about triggering. That's deeper level stuff, but you might be tapping into his heart when you guys get close, and that short circuits him.

    I have been where your bf is. And I have a BFF who is like you. And sad to say, but she needed to get away from me for a while because it was draining too. I would try to pull her back in because I missed her, but then when we got too close...I'd need to go away because it hurt. It was all kinds of f##@ed up. I was at least aware of it, and the damage it was causing. There's also the possibility that as great as you are, you're not as great as his ex...so he's never going to see you as "worth it". You're just "good enough" to not be alone.

    My advice would be to help him heal, but be his friend. Let him know you won't be having sex, or being affectionate. Not until he is better. Let him see you date other guys. Let him see that life goes on, and he will need to work on himself before he is ready to date.

    I'm so sorry for you OP. Sometimes really great people can just get messed up with their exes :-( And it takes a crazy amount of dedication to fix yourself.
    Thank's so much for your honest story. I was just wondering: would you ever consider your BFF, the one that wanted to stick around and help you, as a serious option for dating when you feel better? Or is she in the nursing friendzone by then?

    Cause I really want him to be happy and help him, but I won't stay around just for his convenience, so he can drop me later and find another girl who didn't see him when he was down.

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