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Thread: Nice Guy Vs. Bad Boy? I feel Sick To My Stomach...

  1. #1
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    Nice Guy Vs. Bad Boy? I feel Sick To My Stomach...

    Hi everyone. Recently, I've been heavily struggling with this situation for a good few months now and would love some insight. I'm 26 but pretty inexperienced with dating/guys and have never had a boyfriend in person (only have done a long distance relationship). I'm very overwhelmed with this all and would love kind feedback :)

    "Alex" - nice guy:
    I met Alex a couple years ago. He's a complete gentleman, in addition to being very good looking, having a high education and being successful. He's also very tall, outgoing, works out too - you get the idea. He's basically society's textbook ideal for being great boyfriend/husband material. He caught my eye that night and we started to hang out, but platonically. I had made it clear that I had just gotten out of my LDR relationship and was also still figuring out where I wanted to go next, education-wise, and so I was not ready for a relationship at all. I said I'd be open to it after getting accepted to a specialty school of my choice. He had no problems with it and the most we'd ever do is hold hands sometimes. I would like to point out that even though I was like 23 or something, I had never had any experience with guys other than maybe a kiss or two. I was a virgin (I never really clicked with anyone before in my small city) and really shy with those kinds of things. I therefore had naturally assumed that it was the main reason I felt a hesitation with him, on top of my insecurity/uncertainty about my future study plans. And I mean hesitation as in I would feel a bit uncomfortable whenever he'd look at me as if he was going to kiss me - that kind of stuff. I'd never really miss him, because honestly my anxiety about getting into a relationship was just insane whenever I'd think about it. I started feeling an emptiness towards love, because the whole thing just terrified me for some reason. Probably because everything else in my life was uncertain, too. But yeah, that nervousness haunted me all the time. This includes the times he's gifted me flowers and little necklaces - my heart would skip a beat because I just felt so nervous. Rather than butterflies in my stomach, it felt like dragons. It's also important to note that my main conflicting inner struggle about Alex is that he's so chill, overly calm, reserved and mellow to the point where our conversations never excite me and sometimes I feel bored talking to hours to a more or less monotone person. That being said, I always blush around him and am extremely nervous, so maybe it's why I haven't been able to connect with him on a super comfortable level so far. However, this all got to a point where I thought those intense feelings of love/crushing on others just weren't for me anymore, that maybe I was just simply this way now.

    "Joel" - bad boy:
    Fast forward to a couple years later (and don't get me wrong, I've never led Alex on, he's even dated around during months where I was really busy studying, as have I when he's been gone travelling, and we're both fine with it), things didn't really seem to get better. I was still trying to get into my school of choice (a lot of personal family stuff had held me back) and he continued to travel all the time for his job and my intense nervousness still remained. To quickly sum up the next part: I was catching up with an old friend, admitted to her an old crush of mine, and I'm pretty sure that friend annoyingly went ahead and let that crush, "Joel", know. That's because just a few days later, that old crush messaged me. This was the same guy I had kissed in the past, my only "experience" basically, but I hadn't seen him in years. Regardless, fast forward, we ended up going out to a bar. And boom. It's like my eyes took the shape of hearts immediately. I wasn't nervous. I talked and talked. I couldn't believe how hilarious Joel was (we had never hung out alone before). Finally, someone who shared the same weird sense of humour as me. I don't even know what hit me, but something happened to me alright. My feelings all came to life suddenly and I never wanted to stop talking. We ended up going to his place, while holding hands again like way in the past. But this time, for some reason, I couldn't help myself? To sum it up, we spent about 10 hours together and a lot of it was us sleeping together. I was completely shocked with myself after, considering how extremely slow I am with these things, but, I never regretted it. In fact, we saw each other every weekend after that for the next two months and repeated this behaviour until recently since he had to go back to his home in California for the summer after his bachelor studies. Seems great, right? Well, Joel's actually more of a "bad boy" - and almost completely the opposite of Alex. He's spontaneous, impulsive, does weed (I come from a conservative background so that's a bit wild for me lol), and has had many girls come and go. He never pays for me when we go out (not sure if that's normal or not, I barely have exp), takes forever to answer texts although he's always online (maybe he's talking to other girls, who knows) and is not a deep thinker at all. He's overly confident, good looking, and works hard as well, but is still wild (gets into fights with other guys, parties a lot - those kinds of things). And think, closer to a "f**kboy" than a deep gentleman. He has invited me out multiple times to Cali to stay with his family for a while though, so it's not like he doesn't take me seriously at all, especially since he's introduced me to all of his friends and has taken me on a double date with two of them. But, he still has those bad boy characteristics and it's not logical to date someone like that. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he's on a Tindr date while I type this. That being said, once again, neither of these guys are my boyfriend and we are all actually fine with seeing other people unless things get serious and become exclusive. Anyway, now that Joel has left to California, I'm trying hard to not be blinded by all that sudden chaos, and want some mental clarity. It's tough though because he's been taking over my thoughts. So here I am.

    My indecisiveness:
    My brain cannot for the life of me put together why I'm attracted to someone like Joel in the first place. I know I'm a depressive person and he's extremely happy and funny, which rubs off on me, and considering he's not a deep thinker, it does take me away from my intense thoughts. Oppositely, Alex is an extremely deep thinker and overthinks things to death, just like me. Unfortunately, this means he will probably add on so much more to my concerns to where I feel even more stressed at times. On the other hand, Joel would probably say something like, "it's okay babe, it'll be alright" and while it's not deep at all, sometimes that's really all I need, and to stop overthinking everything in life. But Alex is textbook perfect, and way too nice, like overboard nice. I genuinely don't understand why I'm always so hesitant with him. I would have such a good life with him because I know he's 100% loyal and loves me a lot. Even my strict mom would love someone like him, whereas she'd probably be critical of Joel. Alex would take such amazing care of me, as he always has. He treats me like a queen, even holds car doors open for me. So, why? Am I destined to end up alone where I can never be fully comfortable and will always be hesitant with a classic good guy? And destined to be attracted to terrible potential partners that wouldn't care about me nearly as much? Is this all because I'm inexperienced with relationships and this is all just some weird exciting phase? Even after I was no longer a virgin, this hesitation with Alex remains, and I just can't feel super comfortable. Is it maybe because we've never crossed a line yet? I don't understand. I feel crazy, like all the time. I've had multiple breakdowns over why I feel so attached to someone who treats me very casually and is wild, and not nearly as attached to someone who deeply cares and is a gentleman. I have never in my life felt so head over heels for anyone, but especially someone who is wild like Joel is. How have I not been able to be totally comfortable with Alex by now, 2 years on, when he's practically an angel, and yet lose my mind upon meeting this wild old crush? What's wrong with me? This can't be normal. I just feel sick to my stomach over why I feel this way, it just seems so irrational. Today I finally saw Alex again after so long, but again, that uncomfortable hesitation was very much present to where I wanted to leave early, on top of being a bit bored, even though he was being super kind to me, as always. I felt like crying while driving home because I don't understand myself.

    Any thoughts, feedback, insights, similar experiences would be very much appreciated! Mostly I'd like to know if I'm being crazy, or if these feelings are even normal. Thank you so much.

  2. #2
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    You arenít attracted to Alex and thatís fine. No big deal. But tell him that. And stop holding his hand because you are actually leading him on. Platonic friends donít do that nor do they gift or accept jewellery.

    You are too young and inexperienced to settle into any relationship now.

    Joel is just a bit of excitement and part of your experience. He wonít be around forever.
    And thatís ok too.

    But why are you limiting yourself to just 2 people when there are so many more out there.

    Given that you had a long distance pretend relationship, shows that , that is what you tend to do. Limit yourself.

    Enjoy hanging out with Joel when you do, prob best not to hang out with Alex anymore and be open to meeting others?!

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    I, for one, donít think that youíre crazy. Being attracted to someone whoís your opposite, or in this case, a bad boy, isnít so rare in my opinion. Iíve felt the same way for someone who was my polar opposite with his bad boy characterestics. You clearly have chemistry with Joel, and you have fun being around him. But while it might be fun and exciting to be with someone like him, the differences between you might make things more difficult in the long run. Itís hard to be logical in this situation - my experience tells me that bad boys donít change (or at least not so easily) while Iíve also seen people managing to stay together and work on their relationship despite the obvious differences. Iíd say trust your instincts when youíre with him. Itís easy to get attracted to guys like Joel and the more time you spend together the more you want imo. But does he want the same things as you? Bad boys can be attractive and a lot of women fall for them easily so donít beat yourself up. Itís okay to just enjoy his company and have fun with him, but if this doesnít lead anywhere, donít waste your time - and as the poster above me said, try meeting new people, you donít need overthink this.

    However, I wouldnít force myself to be with Alex either. He does seem great but you donít seem to have any actual romantic feelings for him. Being bored or nervous around him doesnít sound to me like you would enjoy dating him. Maybe deep down youíre also bothered/stressed because you feel like you should be with him, knowing that your mom would approve him and it feels like you just have to like someone like Alex? But itís not worth it to settle down with someone that you donít even like. itís important to be honest with him and let him know the truth about how you feel. Heís probably unsure at this point so just be honest with him.

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    Originally Posted by doravee

    However, I wouldnít force myself to be with Alex either. He does seem great but you donít seem to have any actual romantic feelings for him. Being bored or nervous around him doesnít sound to me like you would enjoy dating him. Maybe deep down youíre also bothered/stressed because you feel like you should be with him, knowing that your mom would approve him and it feels like you just have to like someone like Alex? But itís not worth it to settle down with someone that you donít even like. itís important to be honest with him and let him know the truth about how you feel. Heís probably unsure at this point so just be honest with him.
    This exactly!! I once actually dated a guy for 8 months because just like Alex he was a great guy that would treat someone lovely and I dated him thinking maybe in the past I dismissed guys like him that I should have given a chance. Because yes he is perfect on paper if you like. I knew him for a year before this btw.
    But I broke his heart!!! And I never became attracted to him and ended up resenting him almost.

    So please just stop hanging out with Alex. You think he is fine being friends like the guy I mentioned claimed to be. But he wasnít!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Both are just friends/fwb. So you are free to date anyone else you wish. If guy 1 bores you stop hanging out and talking this much. Decide what you want and get on some dating apps and start messaging and meting guys. Also round out your social life by joining clubs, groups, getting more involved in school, work, sports, and other interests so you can make more friends and don't have to talk to just 1 or 2 guys all the time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    You're definitely limiting yourself to these two guys. Just because Alex likes you and is a good guy, doesn't mean you don't have a say in it. Go out more, meet people, get new hobbies and/or pick back up on the ones you left behind. Heck, you don't even have to date. But you're talking about Alex as if he's a guy that you'll eventually have to get married to just because he likes you and he's a nice guy. It takes WAY more to build a healthy relationship than that.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think Joel is a loser, sowing his wild oats as they say and not willing to grow up. He enjoys playing the field and very unreliable.

    Alex is the one who will be snatched up by some other lucky lady if you don't swoop him up first. Alex is a catch. Alex is the type who will be spoken for quickly because usually women want a man like Alex for a long term relationship which generally leads to marriage, stability, longevity and secure happiness. I've known a lot of Alexes in my community and those types of men are taken very quickly. They are not bachelors for long.

    Since you cannot decide, then have neither. Wait until you know which man is right for you.

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think Joel is a loser, sowing his wild oats as they say and not willing to grow up. He enjoys playing the field and very unreliable.

    Alex is the one who will be snatched up by some other lucky lady if you don't swoop him up first. Alex is a catch. Alex is the type who will be spoken for quickly because usually women want a man like Alex for a long term relationship which generally leads to marriage, stability, longevity and secure happiness. I've known a lot of Alexes in my community and those types of men are taken very quickly. They are not bachelors for long.

    Since you cannot decide, then have neither. Wait until you know which man is right for you.
    Yet Alex has not been snatched up in over 2 years. And has not been spoken for quickly. Why do you think that is?

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    You arenít attracted to Alex and thatís fine. No big deal. But tell him that. And stop holding his hand because you are actually leading him on. Platonic friends donít do that nor do they gift or accept jewellery.

    You are too young and inexperienced to settle into any relationship now.

    Joel is just a bit of excitement and part of your experience. He wonít be around forever.
    And thatís ok too.

    But why are you limiting yourself to just 2 people when there are so many more out there.

    Given that you had a long distance pretend relationship, shows that , that is what you tend to do. Limit yourself.

    Enjoy hanging out with Joel when you do, prob best not to hang out with Alex anymore and be open to meeting others?!
    Thank you a lot. Also, I now realize I wasnít clear, but basically it transformed from platonic to having more of a crush with sparks (but both of us know we are not dating, that has been made so clear between us). Ahhh this thread opened my eyes so much more. I didnít realize how insecure Iíve become about either of these guys being my only two options in the world. Iíll work on that!

    Originally Posted by doravee
    I, for one, donít think that youíre crazy. Being attracted to someone whoís your opposite, or in this case, a bad boy, isnít so rare in my opinion. Iíve felt the same way for someone who was my polar opposite with his bad boy characterestics. You clearly have chemistry with Joel, and you have fun being around him. But while it might be fun and exciting to be with someone like him, the differences between you might make things more difficult in the long run. Itís hard to be logical in this situation - my experience tells me that bad boys donít change (or at least not so easily) while Iíve also seen people managing to stay together and work on their relationship despite the obvious differences. Iíd say trust your instincts when youíre with him. Itís easy to get attracted to guys like Joel and the more time you spend together the more you want imo. But does he want the same things as you? Bad boys can be attractive and a lot of women fall for them easily so donít beat yourself up. Itís okay to just enjoy his company and have fun with him, but if this doesnít lead anywhere, donít waste your time - and as the poster above me said, try meeting new people, you donít need overthink this.

    However, I wouldnít force myself to be with Alex either. He does seem great but you donít seem to have any actual romantic feelings for him. Being bored or nervous around him doesnít sound to me like you would enjoy dating him. Maybe deep down youíre also bothered/stressed because you feel like you should be with him, knowing that your mom would approve him and it feels like you just have to like someone like Alex? But itís not worth it to settle down with someone that you donít even like. itís important to be honest with him and let him know the truth about how you feel. Heís probably unsure at this point so just be honest with him.
    This helped me so much. Joel actually brings out the wild side of me (though wild as in, hyper, loud, not being shy) but everything you said is right on. Thank you for saying it so bluntly but so nicely at the same time, I really appreciate it. I also didnít realize that being nervous doesnít mean that I have a crush, it could just be discomfort and nothing more. And youíre right. Iím terrified my mom wonít be happy with any guy who isnít textbook perfect on paper, and so Iíve been constantly feeling that I *should* be with Alex. My entire extended family is wealthy and selfish, obsessed with perfection, and since I had a totally different experience with my single mom, I honestly feel as if I owe it to her to marry someone sheíd be so proud of. I donít know how to stop thinking that way, but I will try. Again, thank you!

    Originally Posted by Billie28
    This exactly!! I once actually dated a guy for 8 months because just like Alex he was a great guy that would treat someone lovely and I dated him thinking maybe in the past I dismissed guys like him that I should have given a chance. Because yes he is perfect on paper if you like. I knew him for a year before this btw.
    But I broke his heart!!! And I never became attracted to him and ended up resenting him almost.

    So please just stop hanging out with Alex. You think he is fine being friends like the guy I mentioned claimed to be. But he wasnít!
    Thanks Billie, this does sound familiar to whatís happening :(

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Both are just friends/fwb. So you are free to date anyone else you wish. If guy 1 bores you stop hanging out and talking this much. Decide what you want and get on some dating apps and start messaging and meting guys. Also round out your social life by joining clubs, groups, getting more involved in school, work, sports, and other interests so you can make more friends and don't have to talk to just 1 or 2 guys all the time.
    Thank you, youíve helped me a lot in the past :) I shouldnít limit myself, youíre right. Iíve accidentally ended up believing these are my only two options and that thereís nothing else for me.

    Originally Posted by Cope
    You're definitely limiting yourself to these two guys. Just because Alex likes you and is a good guy, doesn't mean you don't have a say in it. Go out more, meet people, get new hobbies and/or pick back up on the ones you left behind. Heck, you don't even have to date. But you're talking about Alex as if he's a guy that you'll eventually have to get married to just because he likes you and he's a nice guy. It takes WAY more to build a healthy relationship than that.
    You read my mind! That is unfortunately exactly what I think, that I have to marry someone like that whoís so kind and perfect on paper. But Iíve been learning the hard way that itís not so easy, I think thatís why I almost cried yesterday after leaving his place. But it also blows my mind about why itís so difficult to be very attracted to someone whoís ďperfectĒ in every way other than they donít really make you laugh or arenít super exciting to talk to, you know?

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think Joel is a loser, sowing his wild oats as they say and not willing to grow up. He enjoys playing the field and very unreliable.

    Alex is the one who will be snatched up by some other lucky lady if you don't swoop him up first. Alex is a catch. Alex is the type who will be spoken for quickly because usually women want a man like Alex for a long term relationship which generally leads to marriage, stability, longevity and secure happiness. I've known a lot of Alexes in my community and those types of men are taken very quickly. They are not bachelors for long.

    Since you cannot decide, then have neither. Wait until you know which man is right for you.
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Yet Alex has not been snatched up in over 2 years. And has not been spoken for quickly. Why do you think that is?
    Okay see this is what I hear in my real life all the time. I have opened up to two people about this in person, and both keep telling me to hurry before someone so great like Alex is taken by someone else. And that Iím crazy for not being with him. That heís way too good looking and well off, that Iím being weird for not giving him a chance, that kind of stuff. And honestly, it feeds into my insecurity about feeling like I *should* be with Alex and wonít meet someone that good again, and just donít understand why I feel things get dull whenever I see him. Heís 30, and hasnít had a girlfriend since New Years of 2016 (that I know of so far, could be even longer, and he's also been on a date that I know of when I was really busy for a while), and I like to think itís because he just hasnít found anyone he likes, but like Billie said, it also could be because who knowsÖ maybe because heís not that exciting like I said. He did tell me that his ex broke up with him over a Facebook messageÖ Anyway, what Cherylyn said is the pinnacle of my concern, that I just might be losing someone Iíll never find again, someone who is so good and great like he is, and that I probably feel this way because I really am overthinking things and should just date him already. She basically highlighted my insecurity and uncertainty, especially when this is what everyone else tells me, too. And I donít know if Cherylynís right, or if my feelings are right. My logical brain tends to go with what she said, and yet my feelings are so conflicting and and not so satisfied.
    Last edited by suzy931; 06-01-2019 at 01:57 PM.

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