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I am 19 years old and living with my parents. As some of you know I am going through a recent breakup and the grief is a lot to handle. However, some things make it worse.

 

My parents are traditional people who expect me to save myself for marriage, etc. When my parents found out about my boyfriend (about when we broke up) my father became very angry. He is a true Arab - controlling, abusive, arrogant. I had felt stressed out a month ago and went and stayed with my boyfriend for the weekend (how they found out). When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me." On more than one instance he has cornered my sister to ask if I have had sexual relations with teachers at my old school, which is extremely hurtful and disturbing. My parents have succeeded in isolating me even more at this time of grief in my life, causing me to feel much worse. I feel as though I am a prisoner in my own home and I feel myself becoming more insane everyday. I am also not allowed to get a job and will not even when school starts in the fall because apparently it's dangerous for me to have my own money.

Because of all the restrictions and eagle-eying, I have no support. None of my family has given me a hug and asked if I'm okay. I am not allowed to see my friends to get support either. I feel as though I'm trapped, and treating me like a dangerous prisoner is not helping me to not feel trapped.

The other day when my parents found out I am interested in working out to gain weight they began fighting and shouting at me, telling me I have mental issues because I want to look a certain way and telling me I need to talk to my therapist about my "low self esteem" and "body image issues." Neither of these things apply to me. I am quite happy with myself but see nothing wrong in achieving a body I feel confident in. I feel as though they were trying to convince me that I am crazy.

 

I need to move out in order to create a safe space for myself. One where I am not surrounded by people that tear me down and make my grief so much worse. I want to go to the gym and eat healthy without being ridiculed. I just want to focus on myself and go to school and have a small apartment near campus. My dad said that if I was to "run away" again that he would send the cops after me worse than before (he did and failed the first time).

 

School starts at the end of August, so I may just have to stay with a friend for a month while I find a job and work enough to get an apartment. I will definitely buy pepper spray and a knife in case my father pulls anything.

 

I want to know: even though I will have done nothing wrong, could the police possible arrest me on charges of theft if I take stuff from my parents' house that is technically mine but they paid for? E.g. clothes, toothbrush, etc.

I'm terrified, even though I know I need to do this for my health. Does anyone have any advice?

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Where do you live? What are the laws in your country? I agree you need to get out of there but you need to be prepared for the consequences especially with your father being the type of man he is. Do you have anywhere to go if/when you leave? How will you handle finding a place to stay and getting a job?

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I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.

I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.

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In a way you do seem to share your parents traditional values wrt saving yourself for marriage.

You did sleep with this guy and then started to refer to him as your fiancé even though he never asked you to marry him.

You kept the relationship a secret from your parents I’m guessing because your bf was not Arab. If he was would you have introduced him to your parents? Your bf had issues with being of different race and you kept telling him it didn’t matter to you. But he knew your opinion didn’t matter because as you have just described it does matter to the extended family.

 

And after you broke up it was you that actually cared about the cultural difference because you expected once sex happened that he would become your husband. Not in his culture sorry!

 

As for should you move out?

Have you tried standing up to your father? Yes I know in your culture that’s historically a no go area but this is 2019 and you are living in the states.

Yes your father is an . But that doesn’t mean he can control you and even he knows that by his stupid attempts to instill fear in you by mentioning reporting you to the police.

Of course you can take your personal belongings with you. If there are items in his name , yes he might be able to retrieve them such as phone or laptop etc. But no police would be daft enough to charge you with theft.

 

Next time your father lays a hand on you , tell him that you will report him to police!

He is no longer living in a male dominated country and police will pay more attention to you reporting him than the other way around.

 

Are you happy to move out and realise that your father will possibly cut you off from the family?

How old are your siblings? And what gender?

Has your mother spoken to you about any of this?

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I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.

I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.

 

Ok so you live in the US, I thought maybe you lived in a repressed country where the man is the boss. As an adult you can move out and daddy dearest cant stop you. Dont take anything that is not yours and I caution you about having a knife in your possession, even tho I understand your reasoning for it.

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I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.

I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.

 

I googled also - and contact HAVEN. They have an abuse hotline - i would tell them that you are a 19 year old adult with an associates degree and you are being held prisoner in your parents home - your phone was taken, contact from the outside world was forbidden and you ran away. They will provide you with free counseling and may help set you up in housing before you can get back to school. In fact, you are an adult now so can make your own decisions and i would not give your parents your new address. And buy yourself a phone.

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In a way you do seem to share your parents traditional values wrt saving yourself for marriage.

You did sleep with this guy and then started to refer to him as your fiancé even though he never asked you to marry him.

You kept the relationship a secret from your parents I’m guessing because your bf was not Arab. If he was would you have introduced him to your parents? Your bf had issues with being of different race and you kept telling him it didn’t matter to you. But he knew your opinion didn’t matter because as you have just described it does matter to the extended family.

 

And after you broke up it was you that actually cared about the cultural difference because you expected once sex happened that he would become your husband. Not in his culture sorry!

 

As for should you move out?

Have you tried standing up to your father? Yes I know in your culture that’s historically a no go area but this is 2019 and you are living in the states.

Yes your father is an . But that doesn’t mean he can control you and even he knows that by his stupid attempts to instill fear in you by mentioning reporting you to the police.

Of course you can take your personal belongings with you. If there are items in his name , yes he might be able to retrieve them such as phone or laptop etc. But no police would be daft enough to charge you with theft.

 

Next time your father lays a hand on you , tell him that you will report him to police!

He is no longer living in a male dominated country and police will pay more attention to you reporting him than the other way around.

 

Are you happy to move out and realise that your father will possibly cut you off from the family?

How old are your siblings? And what gender?

Has your mother spoken to you about any of this?

 

That is definitely NOT the case. We had talked about getting married and he was giving me mixed signals. It is not bc of my culture, but because I truly loved him and saw a future with him. My parents would have been completely open about the race difference; it was the fact that we were communicating without their knowledge that they did not like. They believe that a couple should have no contact and limited communication until after marriage. My bf even asked to meet my parents on several occasions. He even referred to me as his fiance in one case.

 

I have tried standing up to him and it has done little. I'm afraid he's going to kick me out of my room again. Once, when I was 13 as a punishment for listening to One Direction, he made me pack up all my belongings and put them in the basement and I had to sleep on a mattress on the floor of my siblings for months. I don't want to live like that, with even more horrible things happening.

 

I am also nervous about being cut off from my family. I will miss my mom and my cats and hope I can see them again. Hopefully it will all cool down eventually. I have an 11 yo brother and my sisters are 15 and 17. I am also worried about the effect that all the drama will have on them, but possibly it might be better for me to leave rather than keep fighting with my parents. My mother lets my father walk all over her and does not have any power in this situation.

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In fact, you are an adult now so can make your own decisions and i would not give your parents your new address. And buy yourself a phone.

 

My parents will still find me, as last time my father hired a PI to stalk my bf to find me. It's not about them finding me, I just have to protect myself.

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Have you considered reporting your father to the police for the abuse you and your siblings have been subjected to? You could file a restraining order. Also, this would bring your father to their attention so that if he tries anything else, he's already on record.

The police could escort you out of his house, if need be.

 

Then get in touch with women's resources in your community. They can help you with support and also practical access to resources for living on your own.

 

You'll have to let go of his financial assistance, even for school. You'll have to learn to do for yourself. It's attainable, you aren't alone and you aren't the only young adult who has had to leave an abusive family situation. There are others who have lived similar journeys, and there is hope.

 

I'd encourage you to hold off on thoughts of marriage until you e had time to work through and learn about the choices available to you that your parents have tried to keep you from recognizing as options. With the women's resource centers, you can discuss reliable birth control as well.

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Have you considered reporting your father to the police for the abuse you and your siblings have been subjected to? You could file a restraining order. Also, this would bring your father to their attention so that if he tries anything else, he's already on record.

The police could escort you out of his house, if need be.

 

Then get in touch with women's resources in your community. They can help you with support and also practical access to resources for living on your own.

 

You'll have to let go of his financial assistance, even for school. You'll have to learn to do for yourself. It's attainable, you aren't alone and you aren't the only young adult who has had to leave an abusive family situation. There are others who have lived similar journeys, and there is hope.

 

I'd encourage you to hold off on thoughts of marriage until you e had time to work through and learn about the choices available to you that your parents have tried to keep you from recognizing as options. With the women's resource centers, you can discuss reliable birth control as well.

 

I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

 

At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.

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I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

 

At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.

 

I would talk to the women's shelter/abuse hotline that i googled. They can connect you to help. Tell them that your cell phone has been taken, you are forbidden to leave the house and the last time you escaped, your father hired a PI to find your boyfriend. They have access to resources to help you.

 

I would not go to the police in your town because if its a strong muslim community, there may be people that will protect other muslim fathers and are okay with abuse, honor killings etc. I would get advice from the abuse hotline and then talk to police in the non-muslim dominated community nearby. There are a lot of articles of news stories where people in a certian community in your state are allowing Sharia law in the local courts or are pushing it.

 

the other alternative is to obey what he says and bide your time basically under house arrest and try to get help at school

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I would talk to the women's shelter/abuse hotline that i googled. They can connect you to help. Tell them that your cell phone has been taken, you are forbidden to leave the house and the last time you escaped, your father hired a PI to find your boyfriend. They have access to resources to help you.

 

I would not go to the police in your town because if its a strong muslim community, there may be people that will protect other muslim fathers and are okay with abuse, honor killings etc. I would get advice from the abuse hotline and then talk to police in the non-muslim dominated community nearby. There are a lot of articles of news stories where people in a certian community in your state are allowing Sharia law in the local courts or are pushing it.

 

the other alternative is to obey what he says and bide your time basically under house arrest and try to get help at school

 

 

Yeah... that's extremely racist and ignorant of you to say.

 

I'm not about to start a whole thing here, but the fact that you associate "muslim fathers" with abuse is ridiculous, as abuse is in no way acceptable in Islam and is equally punishable. There are plenty of white men who abuse their families, and others of many other races. There are bad people everywhere.

As well, "Sharia law" is not what you think it is. Any kind of abuse, punishment, or encouragement of violent behavior that you associate with it is misinformation. I suggest you do some research.

Ing.org has a basic article about it. https://ing.org/a-closer-look-at-sharia-in-the-united-states/

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Yeah... that's extremely racist and ignorant of you to say.

Now hold on a minute. The responding poster never said anything against your RACE specifically. What she said was not racist.

 

We are not talking about domestic violence in other families. I find it interesting how quick you were to single out white families particularly. Please don’t detract from your problem. We are looking at your issue only, not everyone else’s.

 

Go back to your original post and read what you had written:

 

My parents are traditional people who expect me to save myself for marriage, etc. When my parents found out about my boyfriend (about when we broke up) my father became very angry. He is a true Arab - controlling, abusive, arrogant.

You mentioned your background and culture first. You directly stated that the “true” traits of being “Arab” are aggressive and hostile. However when another poster points it out, he/she is “racist.” Huh. Are you contradicting yourself here? This is what I call “race baiting.”

 

 

When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me."

This further proves your description.

 

 

So going back to your issue, it seems as though everyone’s has given you excellent advice as to seek a women’s shelter and contact authorized (but take care of it). This needs to be reported now. Please take care.

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And i said you had a choice

1) obey your father in every way. How do you think he is going to "allow" you to go back to school if you are basically under house arrest? And he has proven he will track people close to you down?

A father should ask his daughter who she is dating or who she is friends with - he shouldn't track her down unless she ran away and is on drugs or was kidnapped and then he should go through the proper authorities.

 

2) Leave. Get help from the abuse hotline. Even if your parents paid for the phone, taking someone's phone (its okay to say "we are no longer paying for your phone, you have 2 weeks to get your own plan, its another to confiscate it unless you are a 8-12 year old kid who lost priveleges) , your keys, etc. (if the car you drive isn't yours, okay, you have no right to that, but keys to be able to enter where you live and come and go), is a form of kidnapping and a 19 year old woman who is not allowed to go ANYWHERE without her parents if that was not custom before is abuse. And i don't mean traditional ways of meeting possible suitor only accompanied by parents but i mean day to day living like school, the store, the necessities of life when before you did them.

 

you are an ADULT in the eyes of the law and are no longer under their legal jurisdiction. They may pay your health or car insurance, but legally, you are an adult - unlike a minor, you are not legally required to be under their roof.

 

I mean - they are already hitting and spitting on you! Were you raised to believe that this is okay??? it is not okay~~

 

If your father were simply a PROTECTIVE FATHER, he would forbid boys from coming around to his house, but he would speak lovingly to you, tell you that he was disappointed and work towards a better relationship with you and explain why he wants you to wait for a relationship. And would obviously not take your phone.

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I want to add -- if they hadn't already physically abused you, I would have said just bide your time until you have finished the education they are funding, don't sleep with men or date (obey their house rules if you want to live in their home) and then move out when you can. But physical abuse draws the line in the sand for me.

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I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

 

At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.

 

This is exactly why it's so important to get professional support. Worrying about how leaving an abusive situation will impact your relationships with other members of your family is a real concern. It is something that isn't easy, and there is this tendency for people to internalize that it is their fault when they do not receive support or get the cold shoulder or even hostility.

Learning more about cycles of abuse can help, as does having others to validate that your experience.

Your mom is an enabler of abuse, and that can be difficult to wrap one's head around particularly if she has behaved more warmly than your father usually. She's so deep in to the abusive dynamic that her desire to stay rather than do something to change over rides her reasoning and ability to see clearly how this is impacting her children. She stood by a man who spits at, physically attacks, verbally abuses and controls her daughter! It's hard to swallow and even when prepared for it, hurts like hell to have someone throw you under the bus in order to stay with an abuser. But once you realize how toxic the dynamic you have with her now is, you will find it easier to let that go for more healthy alternative relationships in your life. She may never change, which is something that takes space to fully come to terms with in itself.

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Do you have money, a job and a place to live? Have you started looking for those things in addition to financial aid at college and student housing? It's ridiculous to involve law enforcement or courts when you can just walk out the door and not live under his roof or from his money or under his extreme and harsh rule. Why doesn't anyone in your family intervene/help you?

 

If you file a restraining order you may have to move out and not go near your own house or anyone in it, not to mention escalate the problem and upset your family. Who is giving you this extreme advice?

 

Keep in mind after age 18 parents are not required to house, feed, clothe, educate or care for kids. They certainly do not have to give you a phone, car etc. If you think he is too stern, traditional, strict, abusive etc. Move out. It's that simple.

When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me." I am going to try to file a restraining order..
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Yes I do have a plan. I suppose it all comes down to the risk of being cut off and losing my siblings, mother, and cats and not being able to see them again because of one person... it's a hard decision and terrifying.

 

Well are they actually your cats or are they the family cats that belong to the whole family. If they are your cats that you adopted solo this year, they are your cats and you should take them. If they were cats the family adopted when you were 10 years old, they are not your cats. This isn't about being "because of one person" - this is for your mental health. And its quite possible after you leave that your siblings wlll reconnect with you later. How old are they now? And girls or boys? you may not lose them forever like you think.

 

Also, you may want to gather up your social security card, birth certificate, etc - bank info and keep it with you at all times until you walk out the door.

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I am planning to take the cat considered my cat with me. I have two sisters, 15 and 17, and a brother who is 11. I probably will have little to no contact with either of them and at least moderate contact with the 17 yo since we can text and maybe meet up.

 

Thanks for the advice.

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I am planning to take the cat considered my cat with me. I have two sisters, 15 and 17, and a brother who is 11. I probably will have little to no contact with either of them and at least moderate contact with the 17 yo since we can text and maybe meet up.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

Unless you know where the 17 year old stands, I would be careful not to tell her where you are specifically lest she side with dad and report back. And if she doesn't know, he can't beat it out of her, either

 

Do you pay the vet bills for the cat? Is your name anywhere on things for the cat so legally its yours? Not just the cat that "seems to like you best?"

Hopefully, you have money to move somewhere you can keep the cat.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My mom's name is the one registered on his microchip, but it is generally understood that he is my cat and my dad is only letting us keep him so long as I take full responsibility for him. So I could take him.

 

I have been trying to get in contact with any homeless shelters in my area that would let me stay there and bring my cat, since most don't allow pets. I talked to my friend and she can't let me stay with her so I have to probably stay at some shelter or something. I have no idea what to do.

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Homeless shelters have requirements. It's not a free pet-friendly spa/bnb for people who don't get along with strict parents. You need to get financially independent. Get a full time job plus a part-time and rent a room in a house share or roommate situation. Get a flip phone, start taking the bus/public transportation, etc.

I have been trying to get in contact with any homeless shelters in my area that would let me stay there and bring my cat, since most don't allow pets.

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