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Thread: Moving out vs. parents

  1. #1
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    Moving out vs. parents

    I am 19 years old and living with my parents. As some of you know I am going through a recent breakup and the grief is a lot to handle. However, some things make it worse.

    My parents are traditional people who expect me to save myself for marriage, etc. When my parents found out about my boyfriend (about when we broke up) my father became very angry. He is a true Arab - controlling, abusive, arrogant. I had felt stressed out a month ago and went and stayed with my boyfriend for the weekend (how they found out). When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me." On more than one instance he has cornered my sister to ask if I have had sexual relations with teachers at my old school, which is extremely hurtful and disturbing. My parents have succeeded in isolating me even more at this time of grief in my life, causing me to feel much worse. I feel as though I am a prisoner in my own home and I feel myself becoming more insane everyday. I am also not allowed to get a job and will not even when school starts in the fall because apparently it's dangerous for me to have my own money.
    Because of all the restrictions and eagle-eying, I have no support. None of my family has given me a hug and asked if I'm okay. I am not allowed to see my friends to get support either. I feel as though I'm trapped, and treating me like a dangerous prisoner is not helping me to not feel trapped.
    The other day when my parents found out I am interested in working out to gain weight they began fighting and shouting at me, telling me I have mental issues because I want to look a certain way and telling me I need to talk to my therapist about my "low self esteem" and "body image issues." Neither of these things apply to me. I am quite happy with myself but see nothing wrong in achieving a body I feel confident in. I feel as though they were trying to convince me that I am crazy.

    I need to move out in order to create a safe space for myself. One where I am not surrounded by people that tear me down and make my grief so much worse. I want to go to the gym and eat healthy without being ridiculed. I just want to focus on myself and go to school and have a small apartment near campus. My dad said that if I was to "run away" again that he would send the cops after me worse than before (he did and failed the first time).

    School starts at the end of August, so I may just have to stay with a friend for a month while I find a job and work enough to get an apartment. I will definitely buy pepper spray and a knife in case my father pulls anything.

    I want to know: even though I will have done nothing wrong, could the police possible arrest me on charges of theft if I take stuff from my parents' house that is technically mine but they paid for? E.g. clothes, toothbrush, etc.
    I'm terrified, even though I know I need to do this for my health. Does anyone have any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Where do you live? What are the laws in your country? I agree you need to get out of there but you need to be prepared for the consequences especially with your father being the type of man he is. Do you have anywhere to go if/when you leave? How will you handle finding a place to stay and getting a job?

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    I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.
    I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.

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    In a way you do seem to share your parents traditional values wrt saving yourself for marriage.
    You did sleep with this guy and then started to refer to him as your fiancť even though he never asked you to marry him.
    You kept the relationship a secret from your parents Iím guessing because your bf was not Arab. If he was would you have introduced him to your parents? Your bf had issues with being of different race and you kept telling him it didnít matter to you. But he knew your opinion didnít matter because as you have just described it does matter to the extended family.

    And after you broke up it was you that actually cared about the cultural difference because you expected once sex happened that he would become your husband. Not in his culture sorry!

    As for should you move out?
    Have you tried standing up to your father? Yes I know in your culture thatís historically a no go area but this is 2019 and you are living in the states.
    Yes your father is an . But that doesnít mean he can control you and even he knows that by his stupid attempts to instill fear in you by mentioning reporting you to the police.
    Of course you can take your personal belongings with you. If there are items in his name , yes he might be able to retrieve them such as phone or laptop etc. But no police would be daft enough to charge you with theft.

    Next time your father lays a hand on you , tell him that you will report him to police!
    He is no longer living in a male dominated country and police will pay more attention to you reporting him than the other way around.

    Are you happy to move out and realise that your father will possibly cut you off from the family?
    How old are your siblings? And what gender?
    Has your mother spoken to you about any of this?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.
    I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.
    Ok so you live in the US, I thought maybe you lived in a repressed country where the man is the boss. As an adult you can move out and daddy dearest cant stop you. Dont take anything that is not yours and I caution you about having a knife in your possession, even tho I understand your reasoning for it.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    I'm not sure about my state (Michigan) specifically, but a quick Google search indicates that because I am not a minor I have control over my possessions.
    I am going to try to live with my friend. I do have an associate's degree so I can find a pretty good job at least just to support myself. If all goes well I hope to work for a month while staying with my friend and then move into an apartment near my university.
    I googled also - and contact HAVEN. They have an abuse hotline - i would tell them that you are a 19 year old adult with an associates degree and you are being held prisoner in your parents home - your phone was taken, contact from the outside world was forbidden and you ran away. They will provide you with free counseling and may help set you up in housing before you can get back to school. In fact, you are an adult now so can make your own decisions and i would not give your parents your new address. And buy yourself a phone.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    In a way you do seem to share your parents traditional values wrt saving yourself for marriage.
    You did sleep with this guy and then started to refer to him as your fiancť even though he never asked you to marry him.
    You kept the relationship a secret from your parents Iím guessing because your bf was not Arab. If he was would you have introduced him to your parents? Your bf had issues with being of different race and you kept telling him it didnít matter to you. But he knew your opinion didnít matter because as you have just described it does matter to the extended family.

    And after you broke up it was you that actually cared about the cultural difference because you expected once sex happened that he would become your husband. Not in his culture sorry!

    As for should you move out?
    Have you tried standing up to your father? Yes I know in your culture thatís historically a no go area but this is 2019 and you are living in the states.
    Yes your father is an . But that doesnít mean he can control you and even he knows that by his stupid attempts to instill fear in you by mentioning reporting you to the police.
    Of course you can take your personal belongings with you. If there are items in his name , yes he might be able to retrieve them such as phone or laptop etc. But no police would be daft enough to charge you with theft.

    Next time your father lays a hand on you , tell him that you will report him to police!
    He is no longer living in a male dominated country and police will pay more attention to you reporting him than the other way around.

    Are you happy to move out and realise that your father will possibly cut you off from the family?
    How old are your siblings? And what gender?
    Has your mother spoken to you about any of this?
    That is definitely NOT the case. We had talked about getting married and he was giving me mixed signals. It is not bc of my culture, but because I truly loved him and saw a future with him. My parents would have been completely open about the race difference; it was the fact that we were communicating without their knowledge that they did not like. They believe that a couple should have no contact and limited communication until after marriage. My bf even asked to meet my parents on several occasions. He even referred to me as his fiance in one case.

    I have tried standing up to him and it has done little. I'm afraid he's going to kick me out of my room again. Once, when I was 13 as a punishment for listening to One Direction, he made me pack up all my belongings and put them in the basement and I had to sleep on a mattress on the floor of my siblings for months. I don't want to live like that, with even more horrible things happening.

    I am also nervous about being cut off from my family. I will miss my mom and my cats and hope I can see them again. Hopefully it will all cool down eventually. I have an 11 yo brother and my sisters are 15 and 17. I am also worried about the effect that all the drama will have on them, but possibly it might be better for me to leave rather than keep fighting with my parents. My mother lets my father walk all over her and does not have any power in this situation.
    Last edited by shortsunflwr; 06-01-2019 at 06:23 PM.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    In fact, you are an adult now so can make your own decisions and i would not give your parents your new address. And buy yourself a phone.
    My parents will still find me, as last time my father hired a PI to stalk my bf to find me. It's not about them finding me, I just have to protect myself.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Have you considered reporting your father to the police for the abuse you and your siblings have been subjected to? You could file a restraining order. Also, this would bring your father to their attention so that if he tries anything else, he's already on record.
    The police could escort you out of his house, if need be.

    Then get in touch with women's resources in your community. They can help you with support and also practical access to resources for living on your own.

    You'll have to let go of his financial assistance, even for school. You'll have to learn to do for yourself. It's attainable, you aren't alone and you aren't the only young adult who has had to leave an abusive family situation. There are others who have lived similar journeys, and there is hope.

    I'd encourage you to hold off on thoughts of marriage until you e had time to work through and learn about the choices available to you that your parents have tried to keep you from recognizing as options. With the women's resource centers, you can discuss reliable birth control as well.

  11. #10
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    Get your passport up to date and leave the country.

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