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Thread: Moving out vs. parents

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Have you considered reporting your father to the police for the abuse you and your siblings have been subjected to? You could file a restraining order. Also, this would bring your father to their attention so that if he tries anything else, he's already on record.
    The police could escort you out of his house, if need be.

    Then get in touch with women's resources in your community. They can help you with support and also practical access to resources for living on your own.

    You'll have to let go of his financial assistance, even for school. You'll have to learn to do for yourself. It's attainable, you aren't alone and you aren't the only young adult who has had to leave an abusive family situation. There are others who have lived similar journeys, and there is hope.

    I'd encourage you to hold off on thoughts of marriage until you e had time to work through and learn about the choices available to you that your parents have tried to keep you from recognizing as options. With the women's resource centers, you can discuss reliable birth control as well.
    I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

    At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

    At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.
    I would talk to the women's shelter/abuse hotline that i googled. They can connect you to help. Tell them that your cell phone has been taken, you are forbidden to leave the house and the last time you escaped, your father hired a PI to find your boyfriend. They have access to resources to help you.

    I would not go to the police in your town because if its a strong muslim community, there may be people that will protect other muslim fathers and are okay with abuse, honor killings etc. I would get advice from the abuse hotline and then talk to police in the non-muslim dominated community nearby. There are a lot of articles of news stories where people in a certian community in your state are allowing Sharia law in the local courts or are pushing it.

    the other alternative is to obey what he says and bide your time basically under house arrest and try to get help at school

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Abitbroken, I was unaware of that. Are you serious?! That is both terrifying and enraging.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I would talk to the women's shelter/abuse hotline that i googled. They can connect you to help. Tell them that your cell phone has been taken, you are forbidden to leave the house and the last time you escaped, your father hired a PI to find your boyfriend. They have access to resources to help you.

    I would not go to the police in your town because if its a strong muslim community, there may be people that will protect other muslim fathers and are okay with abuse, honor killings etc. I would get advice from the abuse hotline and then talk to police in the non-muslim dominated community nearby. There are a lot of articles of news stories where people in a certian community in your state are allowing Sharia law in the local courts or are pushing it.

    the other alternative is to obey what he says and bide your time basically under house arrest and try to get help at school

    Yeah... that's extremely racist and ignorant of you to say.

    I'm not about to start a whole thing here, but the fact that you associate "muslim fathers" with abuse is ridiculous, as abuse is in no way acceptable in Islam and is equally punishable. There are plenty of white men who abuse their families, and others of many other races. There are bad people everywhere.
    As well, "Sharia law" is not what you think it is. Any kind of abuse, punishment, or encouragement of violent behavior that you associate with it is misinformation. I suggest you do some research.
    Ing.org has a basic article about it. [Register to see the link]

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    Yeah... that's extremely racist and ignorant of you to say.
    Now hold on a minute. The responding poster never said anything against your RACE specifically. What she said was not racist.

    We are not talking about domestic violence in other families. I find it interesting how quick you were to single out white families particularly. Please don’t detract from your problem. We are looking at your issue only, not everyone else’s.

    Go back to your original post and read what you had written:

    My parents are traditional people who expect me to save myself for marriage, etc. When my parents found out about my boyfriend (about when we broke up) my father became very angry. He is a true Arab - controlling, abusive, arrogant.
    You mentioned your background and culture first. You directly stated that the “true” traits of being “Arab” are aggressive and hostile. However when another poster points it out, he/she is “racist.” Huh. Are you contradicting yourself here? This is what I call “race baiting.”


    When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me."
    This further proves your description.


    So going back to your issue, it seems as though everyone’s has given you excellent advice as to seek a women’s shelter and contact authorized (but take care of it). This needs to be reported now. Please take care.

  7. #16
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    And i said you had a choice
    1) obey your father in every way. How do you think he is going to "allow" you to go back to school if you are basically under house arrest? And he has proven he will track people close to you down?
    A father should ask his daughter who she is dating or who she is friends with - he shouldn't track her down unless she ran away and is on drugs or was kidnapped and then he should go through the proper authorities.

    2) Leave. Get help from the abuse hotline. Even if your parents paid for the phone, taking someone's phone (its okay to say "we are no longer paying for your phone, you have 2 weeks to get your own plan, its another to confiscate it unless you are a 8-12 year old kid who lost priveleges) , your keys, etc. (if the car you drive isn't yours, okay, you have no right to that, but keys to be able to enter where you live and come and go), is a form of kidnapping and a 19 year old woman who is not allowed to go ANYWHERE without her parents if that was not custom before is abuse. And i don't mean traditional ways of meeting possible suitor only accompanied by parents but i mean day to day living like school, the store, the necessities of life when before you did them.

    you are an ADULT in the eyes of the law and are no longer under their legal jurisdiction. They may pay your health or car insurance, but legally, you are an adult - unlike a minor, you are not legally required to be under their roof.

    I mean - they are already hitting and spitting on you! Were you raised to believe that this is okay??? it is not okay~~

    If your father were simply a PROTECTIVE FATHER, he would forbid boys from coming around to his house, but he would speak lovingly to you, tell you that he was disappointed and work towards a better relationship with you and explain why he wants you to wait for a relationship. And would obviously not take your phone.

  8. #17
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    I want to add -- if they hadn't already physically abused you, I would have said just bide your time until you have finished the education they are funding, don't sleep with men or date (obey their house rules if you want to live in their home) and then move out when you can. But physical abuse draws the line in the sand for me.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    I'm hesitant to report him as I don't think there is enough evidence of physical abuse to do so. I am going to try to file a restraining order. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely get in touch with centers that can help.

    At this point I am just debating the effects of leaving on my relationship with other members of my family, other than my father. The strain might just take away the people I do care about from me for a long time. Although no one is super happy with me rn and hasn't been of much help. But regardless.
    This is exactly why it's so important to get professional support. Worrying about how leaving an abusive situation will impact your relationships with other members of your family is a real concern. It is something that isn't easy, and there is this tendency for people to internalize that it is their fault when they do not receive support or get the cold shoulder or even hostility.
    Learning more about cycles of abuse can help, as does having others to validate that your experience.
    Your mom is an enabler of abuse, and that can be difficult to wrap one's head around particularly if she has behaved more warmly than your father usually. She's so deep in to the abusive dynamic that her desire to stay rather than do something to change over rides her reasoning and ability to see clearly how this is impacting her children. She stood by a man who spits at, physically attacks, verbally abuses and controls her daughter! It's hard to swallow and even when prepared for it, hurts like hell to have someone throw you under the bus in order to stay with an abuser. But once you realize how toxic the dynamic you have with her now is, you will find it easier to let that go for more healthy alternative relationships in your life. She may never change, which is something that takes space to fully come to terms with in itself.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have money, a job and a place to live? Have you started looking for those things in addition to financial aid at college and student housing? It's ridiculous to involve law enforcement or courts when you can just walk out the door and not live under his roof or from his money or under his extreme and harsh rule. Why doesn't anyone in your family intervene/help you?

    If you file a restraining order you may have to move out and not go near your own house or anyone in it, not to mention escalate the problem and upset your family. Who is giving you this extreme advice?

    Keep in mind after age 18 parents are not required to house, feed, clothe, educate or care for kids. They certainly do not have to give you a phone, car etc. If you think he is too stern, traditional, strict, abusive etc. Move out. It's that simple.
    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    When I came back, my father proceeded to hit me, spit on me, call me a dog and several other names. He took my phone away permanently. I am not allowed to see my friends, I cannot go anywhere without a parent there at all times. In at least one instance he prevented my siblings from doing things with me because he "can't trust me." I am going to try to file a restraining order..

  11. #20
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    Yes I do have a plan. I suppose it all comes down to the risk of being cut off and losing my siblings, mother, and cats and not being able to see them again because of one person... it's a hard decision and terrifying.

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