I left someone that was bad for me now I'm overwhelmed with remorse

Its a long story but my gf of a few years became incredibly toxic to me. She was cutting me off from my family and was incredibly incosistent with her attitude towards me on a daily basis. It was so unhealthy I ran off to a friends house last week and changed my number. She left my house so I was able to move back in with a couple friends but living here is absolutely killing me.

I think about her everyday and it's incredibly soul crushing. This was my first real long term partner and I loved her since a young age. I've been obsessively trying to find new dates or social opportunities even though I know I'm not ready. Indulging in my hobbies has become difficult because I'm so sad all the time. I live far away from a lot of my friends and family since I moved away for a job opportunity. I'm on the brink of ending my life everyday and I dont know what to do.

If you are serious about ending it, call the suicide hotline in your area, you need help.

Nobody is worth ending your life over. You should not be looking for dates with new women as you are so not ready for that, rebounding never works. You need some therapy and to learn how to cope. Dont wait, go see your doctor for a referral to a therapist.

First things first own your addiction.

Shes addicted to benzos, you're addicted to her.

Shes in denial about her addictions, youre in denial about how willing of a participant you were.

And like any addiction withdrawal will be hard. But you CAN do it.

Try as hard as you can to remove any and all thoughts of her. One day at a time, focus on your healing and the mental state that attracted and continues to attract you to her.

As Melancholy said please contact the suicide hotline if the thoughts continue.

So proud of you for leaving an abusive relationship.

I would redecorate a bit - change the color of your bedroom - get new bedding - so you feel like something is fresh

Can you take time off of work to take a trip back home to see your family? It might be a good thing for you to do - to see people who care a lot about you. I know it helped me.

Do you own the home? if not and you just rent, you can always move.

It will take time to not feel sad, but the more distance you have from her and the reassurance that she is not coming back, you will heal in time. It just doesn't seem that way right now.

I know the feeling. I was at that exact same place 3 months ago. My heart was broken. You know what I did? I prayed every day, Seek therapy, get new hobbies. I know you tired of everyone saying give it time, I was too. But it’s absolutely true. You have to give it time. Some days are going to be ok and others a little harder but you eventually going to start caring less. Like the messages above said dating is only going to help you temporary. It doesn’t take the feeling away. You have to give yourself time to let go. TRUST ME IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!!

I’m living proof!!!

Whenever any kind of deep loss occurs in your life something inside you dies. I too felt remorse over letting someone who was toxic for me go. I lost a sense of who I was when I let this person go. I had identified with this person as part of myself and there was a large hole deep in my heart for a very long time. Death would have been easier than dealing with this pain. But life is hard and things happen to us for a reason. Get help if you need to but don't end your life over this. You can overcome this. Time will heal your pain and you will become a better person because you have been through this.

I became a more compassionate person. I started to help my local community and volunteer, I also started meditating which is how I found peace. I worked on my soul and I have become a better person.

It's been 4 years and I'm not sad anymore over the loss but that said I do have some sad days where I think about this person and wish things didn't end the way they did.

Good luck. I know you can overcome this sadness.

Keep reminding yourself that your ex-gf was incredibly toxic, cutting you off from your family and incredibly inconsistent. Who wants to be with a nut case?

Be reasonable. You deserve to be with a good, NORMAL, stable person.

As for you, seek professional help regarding your depression and suicidal thoughts.

First off - know that almost all of us have been there. We ALL think about suicide when we have our heart broken. Know that it WILL get better...just...not anytime soon. lol It BLOWS.

Don't rush it :-) Nothing you do now will heal you immediately.

I would youtube the crap out of healing from a Break Up and moving on...

And know these things:

1 - If what you say is true, she has her own issues/demons to deal with, and probably won't for a very long time. You are better off.

2 - Take this time as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes, and learn why you allowed yourself to put up with her behavior...and to never let it happen again.

3 - I'm 43, and 100% of the girls who have left me, or never went past a few dates have ALWAYS reached back out to me at some point (months/years later). We all learn from experience, and there will be a time where she looks back and regrets how she treated you, and how she took you for granted. I'm not saying this to give you false hope or anything, but to urge you to become the best version of yourself you can be...and when you have achieved that, you could care less about her, while she's still dealing with her bs.

Stay strong my friend.