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Thread: Need some advice and encouragement

  1. #1
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    Need some advice and encouragement

    It's going to be a bit of an essay but please, do bear with me. We're both 25 and 26 respectively.

    I have been reading threads in this forum for the past few days and it has honestly been very therapeutic with my process of healing. So my ex and I broke up after 4 years of being together, we're both guys if that matters. We had ups and downs but throughout the relationship we never really had a massive argument just petty ones here and there and even those never occurred frequently. We were in a LDR and were planning to move in together. One night when I was with him, I just decided to break-up with him cos I was unhappy with my life, I lost interest in everything, but I was not really unhappy in our relationship at all. He told me that he understood and he felt relieved. Obviously, I quickly regretted my decision 5 days later and phoned him, I was a bit suicidal as well because I was diagnosed with situational depression after the break-up which I have completely sorted out now with the help of lifestyle and diet change. I started begging him to take me back (typical!) and he was very dismissive about it. He said he was not honest with his feelings and that he didn't love me anymore and that he was a coward. He also told me that I had a different outlook on life to his. This was true as my outlook really changed as I unknowingly gotten a bit unstable due to uni, work, and life in general. I became indifferent with everything. He also said that I was not completely open to him, that was true as well, I thought being romantic and emotional was wrong as my first ex told me that it's such an off and I (wrongly) took that on-board. I obviously told him about me being a bit unstable mentally due to uni leading up to work. I told him about my story with my first ex as well. So I begged him to try again and he was very dismissive and told me that he did not want to give me a false hope, he told me that he's going to block me until September and we can talk again (he told my mother that he's reluctant to do that anyway, it's just a way to calm me down). We broke-up once already, he was the one who broke up with me but regretted it and I took him back a day after. - This was a wrong move as it didn't actually give us time reassess our problems properly.

    Now, I just want to move on, I am not really clinging to false hope that we are going to get back again. I just want to be realistic with myself even though my heart says otherwise ALL THE TIME (it gets annoying after a while to be honest but I can't help it). I have been reassessing my outlook and been also reconnecting to my former self, the one that's in touch with his emotions and has a very positive outlook on life. I have started to appreciate every little thing again and slowly becoming empathetic. Anyway, we're not 'contacting' each other for 3 months and obviously part of me is hopeful (falsely) that we will get back together again but I don't really want to bank on that and just focus on myself. Obviously I still love him so much but feelings are not facts.

    So how you guys are coping/coped with a LTR break-up?

  2. #2
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    Sorry that you are going through this. I am recently divorced after a 29 year marriage. So, how did I cope? Well, it hurts like hell. You feel sad, lonely, rejected, humiliated, embarrassed. A whole array of emotions. It feels surreal. People here told me that I have to go through the different stages of the grieving process. They were right. I accepted that what I felt was normal. It's been almost a year now and I feel like I am slowly healing. But, I have a long way to go. At times, you feel like you are making progress while other times it seems like you're back to square one. That too is normal. Don't give up So, my advice to you is to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Cry if you have to, scream, whatever. Go to a therapist; that may help. Talk to a close friend that you can trust, or a family member. Let those feelings out. Slowly, with time, that "poison" within you will leave and you will begin the healing process. Try to occupy yourself; stay busy doing some things that you like. Join Meetup groups in your area. Go to the gym. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Realise though that you cannot keep busy 24/7, unfortunately. The pain and grief will haunt you at night, during part of the day, etc. It's inevitable. There is no quick fix. Try really hard to not dwell on the past. You are still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

    We all progress at different paces. I firmly believe that time will heal you. As time goes on, you'll notice that it doesn't hurt as much. Just hang in there and let time work its magic. If it's meant to be, it will happen but don't bank on it. Best of luck to you.

    One more thing: when he first told be he wanted a divorce, I was so shocked. I told myself and my sons that I would consider a reconciliation. That was almost a year ago. I took my rose-coloured glass off since then and I wouldn't go back with him for all the money in the world! That's time working its magic!

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Sorry that you are going through this. I am recently divorced after a 29 year marriage. So, how did I cope? Well, it hurts like hell. You feel sad, lonely, rejected, humiliated, embarrassed. A whole array of emotions. It feels surreal. People here told me that I have to go through the different stages of the grieving process. They were right. I accepted that what I felt was normal. It's been almost a year now and I feel like I am slowly healing. But, I have a long way to go. At times, you feel like you are making progress while other times it seems like you're back to square one. That too is normal. Don't give up So, my advice to you is to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Cry if you have to, scream, whatever. Go to a therapist; that may help. Talk to a close friend that you can trust, or a family member. Let those feelings out. Slowly, with time, that "poison" within you will leave and you will begin the healing process. Try to occupy yourself; stay busy doing some things that you like. Join Meetup groups in your area. Go to the gym. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Realise though that you cannot keep busy 24/7, unfortunately. The pain and grief will haunt you at night, during part of the day, etc. It's inevitable. There is no quick fix. Try really hard to not dwell on the past. You are still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

    We all progress at different paces. I firmly believe that time will heal you. As time goes on, you'll notice that it doesn't hurt as much. Just hang in there and let time work its magic. If it's meant to be, it will happen but don't bank on it. Best of luck to you.

    One more thing: when he first told be he wanted a divorce, I was so shocked. I told myself and my sons that I would consider a reconciliation. That was almost a year ago. I took my rose-coloured glass off since then and I wouldn't go back with him for all the money in the world! That's time working its magic!
    Goddess, I am so pleased that you have managed to pull through and have now started to finally heal completely - your story is inspiring. 29 years of marriage huh? And her I am mopping about over a 4 year relationship. Although, I am aware that that doesn't make my hurting any less real and validated. At the moment I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible but sometimes I have moments where I feel as though I am back to square one. My brain and heart are always conflicting with each other, I hope that's normal. The thought of him being with someone else makes my stomach churn, so it is really good that I cut him off completely and I am currently taking a break on social media. Of course, he is allowed to start dating, I don't own him nor his heart, I guess it's just a primal instinct to feel that way especially if you have been with someone for such a long time.

    How I deal with it right now is I created a future version of myself in my mind to help the present version of myself heal. I envisioned that my future version of myself is happy, stronger, and finally free from this suffering. We are both in this long, gruelling dark road and the end of it is so far away but filled with light, sunshine, and happiness. He constantly reassures my present self that it is going to be okay and I will look back at this and laugh about it. He is there to pick up or hold the hand of my present self and walk with him through this long excruciating journey. When I find myself reminiscing about the past and the good times, he is there to give me a reality check. My future self that I have envisioned will be there to guide and help me until I have finally reached the end of my journey and doesn't need him anymore because I have finally healed and become the best version of myself - my future self.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by trisinister
    Goddess, I am so pleased that you have managed to pull through and have now started to finally heal completely - your story is inspiring. 29 years of marriage huh? And her I am mopping about over a 4 year relationship. Although, I am aware that that doesn't make my hurting any less real and validated. At the moment I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible but sometimes I have moments where I feel as though I am back to square one. My brain and heart are always conflicting with each other, I hope that's normal. The thought of him being with someone else makes my stomach churn, so it is really good that I cut him off completely and I am currently taking a break on social media. Of course, he is allowed to start dating, I don't own him nor his heart, I guess it's just a primal instinct to feel that way especially if you have been with someone for such a long time.

    How I deal with it right now is I created a future version of myself in my mind to help the present version of myself heal. I envisioned that my future version of myself is happy, stronger, and finally free from this suffering. We are both in this long, gruelling dark road and the end of it is so far away but filled with light, sunshine, and happiness. He constantly reassures my present self that it is going to be okay and I will look back at this and laugh about it. He is there to pick up or hold the hand of my present self and walk with him through this long excruciating journey. When I find myself reminiscing about the past and the good times, he is there to give me a reality check. My future self that I have envisioned will be there to guide and help me until I have finally reached the end of my journey and doesn't need him anymore because I have finally healed and become the best version of myself - my future self.
    Four years is a long time; don't make light of it, dear OP. That is a long time. Suffering is suffering no matter how one's looks at it. What an interesting way of thinking (present self and future self). I completely understand how you feel when you say that your stomach churns thinking about your ex being with someone else. That's normal and it's because you are human. If you felt nothing, you'd be a sociopath.

    I moved from a big house to an apartment. I found an apartment sooner than I thought. He gave me 11 days to move out. Certainly not realistic considering how big the house was. Not everything that I wanted fit into the moving van so I'd go back to the house every day and pick up some things. I'd text him the evening before to make sure he'd be at work so I wouldn't run into him. On the 11th day, I noticed there was an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on my side of the sink, etc. OMG. How easily I was replaced. He didn't even have the courtesy/respect to get rid of her "evidence", knowing I'd be going there. Can you imagine? I was totally devastated. It bothered me for months. Fast forward to today: I truly don't care who he's seeing. He could be with 50 women for all I care. I am surprised that I actually feel this way. I call it progress! LOL! Time helps heal physical and emotional wounds.

    You will experience a roller coaster of emotions; all normal. Just do your best to move on, whatever it takes. You will see that, in time, your broken heart will heal. xx

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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Four years is a long time; don't make light of it, dear OP. That is a long time. Suffering is suffering no matter how one's looks at it. What an interesting way of thinking (present self and future self). I completely understand how you feel when you say that your stomach churns thinking about your ex being with someone else. That's normal and it's because you are human. If you felt nothing, you'd be a sociopath.

    I moved from a big house to an apartment. I found an apartment sooner than I thought. He gave me 11 days to move out. Certainly not realistic considering how big the house was. Not everything that I wanted fit into the moving van so I'd go back to the house every day and pick up some things. I'd text him the evening before to make sure he'd be at work so I wouldn't run into him. On the 11th day, I noticed there was an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on my side of the sink, etc. OMG. How easily I was replaced. He didn't even have the courtesy/respect to get rid of her "evidence", knowing I'd be going there. Can you imagine? I was totally devastated. It bothered me for months. Fast forward to today: I truly don't care who he's seeing. He could be with 50 women for all I care. I am surprised that I actually feel this way. I call it progress! LOL! Time helps heal physical and emotional wounds.

    You will experience a roller coaster of emotions; all normal. Just do your best to move on, whatever it takes. You will see that, in time, your broken heart will heal. xx
    Wow your ex husband was extremely inconsiderate towards your feelings. He doesn't deserve your respect at all. How long did it take for you to reach that stage? Stage of being relatively indifferent? At the moment yes I am still grieving our relationship, plus I am close to his nan as well, which makes it worse. My progress feels very minimal so far, I feel like I am trapped in a blackhole, where no matter what I try to do to heal and get out of the black hole, I keep getting sucked back in and it seems futile. I'm still very heartbroken so I tend to still fantasise the idea of getting back together eventhough logically, it's a false hope. I am lucky that I have friends around me who provide guidance and advice every time I am slipping up. I just wish there's a switch to just turn it off but unfortunately, there's none.

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    Unfortunately, it took me about 7 months or so to become indifferent. And, that's just dealing with the fact that he's with other women. That no longer bothers me. But, remember that we all process these things differently. Whenever I hear a song, see a photo or a place that reminds me of him, I still get somewhat emotional. Why? I just don't know. Guess I'm still not over it. I should be happy (and I am) that I'm no longer subjected to his emotional abuse and disrespect but I somehow still miss some parts of the relationship. It wasn't all bad.

    How long ago was the breakup? You have to allow yourself time to heal. A good number of people on this forum seem to think that you shouldn't date for at least a year in order to be fully healed. As I said before, I am far from healed and it's been a year this month. And dating? Not going down that path ever again but remember that I'm in my 60's. I'm so sorry that he was dismissive towards you but perhaps he's fighting his own demons. I know you secretly hope for a reconciliation. It may happen; you never know. I hope that the 3 months apart will shed some light on what you both want.

    I'm glad you have friends around you. That's so important. All our mutual friends turned their backs to me, so it's lonely at times. But, I have my brother and his wife, my ex MIL, my ex's sister, and my kids to support me. For that, I am deeply grateful. I truly believe that, with time, you will feel a whole lot better. How much time? Hard to say. The pain will lessen, I assure you. You heart will mend and you will be whole again. I, too, wish there was a switch to turn off all the pain and heartbreak but, guess that's not happening! xx

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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Unfortunately, it took me about 7 months or so to become indifferent. And, that's just dealing with the fact that he's with other women. That no longer bothers me. But, remember that we all process these things differently. Whenever I hear a song, see a photo or a place that reminds me of him, I still get somewhat emotional. Why? I just don't know. Guess I'm still not over it. I should be happy (and I am) that I'm no longer subjected to his emotional abuse and disrespect but I somehow still miss some parts of the relationship. It wasn't all bad.

    How long ago was the breakup? You have to allow yourself time to heal. A good number of people on this forum seem to think that you shouldn't date for at least a year in order to be fully healed. As I said before, I am far from healed and it's been a year this month. And dating? Not going down that path ever again but remember that I'm in my 60's. I'm so sorry that he was dismissive towards you but perhaps he's fighting his own demons. I know you secretly hope for a reconciliation. It may happen; you never know. I hope that the 3 months apart will shed some light on what you both want.

    I'm glad you have friends around you. That's so important. All our mutual friends turned their backs to me, so it's lonely at times. But, I have my brother and his wife, my ex MIL, my ex's sister, and my kids to support me. For that, I am deeply grateful. I truly believe that, with time, you will feel a whole lot better. How much time? Hard to say. The pain will lessen, I assure you. You heart will mend and you will be whole again. I, too, wish there was a switch to turn off all the pain and heartbreak but, guess that's not happening! xx
    I broke up with him, a day after our 4th anniversary. So it's only been almost 2 weeks. Yes, I don't see myself dating for at least a year. I have to focus on myself and I have also started to get in touch with my emotions and finally becoming empathetic again. I have long supressed them because of my first ex (as I have originally mentioned). It costed me my 4yr relationship to realise these things, I am hurting so much but grateful at the same time. At the moment, I am just focusing on moving on and much less of getting back together. Today I made a big step of putting everything that he gave me and things that remind me of him (e.g. clothes I wore on our first date) in a big bag and stored it in the attic. I was sobbing whilst doing it but I am glad that I did it cos it's the least that I can do for myself. I also phoned his nan today to say sorry to her cos I didn't get to say goodbye to her and also had my say. She's very sweet about it and I told her not to tell my ex that I called, it's for the best. It's the little things that I do for myself that add up I guess, and it's also a start.

    I guess it's normal to feel that way, where you can never see yourself going down that path ever again when you're still healing. It's normal isn't it? Also, DO NOT let your age hinder you from loving again. At the end of the day, we all deserve to love and be loved. At least don't rule out the possibility just yet. It's very unfortunate that your mutual friends abandoned you during this horrendous time, but on the brighter side you still have your family by your side, and also your ex's MIL and sister. It's nice that they stuck by you.

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    That is so recent, you poor dear. No wonder you are hurting so much. I am so sorry that your first ex brainwashed you into thinking that you should not be empathetic, or feel and express emotions. Shame on him. That's what human beings are all about. We're not made of stone. The good part is that you've learned from this, the hard way. Life sucks at times. I am so proud of you for taking that huge step. That takes strength and courage. Bravo! Of course you were sobbing; how could you not, after being with him for 4 years. You had me crying. I also did something similar: I took all the jewelry that he gave me and put it into a safe deposit box shortly after I moved to my apartment almost a year ago. I didn't want it to touch me. Weird, I know. I still cannot bring myself to wearing it. At least, not yet. Who knows?

    I'm glad you spoke to his nan. I imagine it gave you some closure as well as having your say. Looks like you are on the right path. Don't get discourage along the way. Be prepared for a long journey. There will be days that you'll feel like you're making progress and other days when you'll feel like you're back to square one. It's normal. Are you familiar with the five stages of grief? If not, check this out: [Register to see the link] I'm at the anger stage right now. Angry at him, at myself for not seeing how toxic the relationship was, angry that I still miss him at times. Like you mentioned earlier, there is no quick fix.

    Yes, I'm so fortunate that I have my family and his family to support me. His mom is very upset with what he did. They've been wonderful. As far as the mutual friends are concerned, I understand to a point. He works with these people, and I know them and their spouses or girlfriends. However, if they were genuine friends, some of them would have offered me some sort of kindness via Facebook (number of us are on Facebook). I didn't expect a phone call nor for them to take sides. But a "How are you?" or "Thinking of you" would have been nice. It's OK. I don't need people like that in my life. They've shown their true colours. Such is life. I do need to socialise though. I've joined some Meepup groups but I'm not ready or talk to people just yet. Hopefully, in time.

    Know that you certainly are not alone. I believe that most of us experience heartache at one point or another. Just don't give up, OK? Hugs.

  10. #9
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    Even though your story is different than mine or other people's, I can relate in my own way. There are different breakups with different people in our lives but there are so many parallels where feelings and sentiments are quite similar.

    Having said that, what you need to remind and constantly tell yourself during this coping process is to be kind to yourself. Often times, when we live with regrets and / or remorse, we beat ourselves up very badly. Other than being kind to yourself, remind yourself that you need to give yourself TIME to heal and recover. This could take weeks and months. I know it did for me.

    What helped me were healthy distractions. I concentrated on my health, my Golden Retriever at the time, worked out (exercised diligently), dieted strictly and I'm glad you're doing the same because you're on the right track. I delved into hobbies, went on outings, developed intellectual interests, joined a book club (book discussion & potluck), surrounded myself with like minded friends who were very nice to me and other times, I enjoyed my own time with SILENCE. It was a time for thinking long and hard, focusing on my own life, introspection and it was comforting. I felt safe and secure. I recharged my batteries. At first, I felt uneasy and lonely. However, over time I actually grew to enjoy liking myself, felt more and more secure within my own skin and content. You have to be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day.

    Even though breaking up is painful as estrangement from various people in our lives whether friends, relatives, extended family members or previous significant others, I always take it life lessons. I've learned from my past mistakes. I've learned to deal with people better, became empathetic and if some people are simply impossible to have a harmonious, intelligent relationship with, I either enforce healthy boundaries with them or release them from my life. I no longer become dramatic with them. I let them go. Should our paths cross, I remain civil and polite and that's it. We're not chums. If I cannot avoid people whom I don't like, again, I'm well mannered but distant in a safe way. You learn how to navigate yourself, learn the delicate dance with dynamics, become considerate and at the same time protect yourself if the situation is either hopeless or unreasonable. You learn to discern. You learn how to be diplomatic, firm yet fair. You learn that you cannot control others but you can steer the ship. You can control yourself and behave honorably all the while. You can behave like a decent human being, give common courtesy, common decency and behave with class. You make wise judgments based upon fairness and respect. You guard your words wisely whether speaking or writing. You treat others the way you would want to be treated. Painful experiences equal wisdom gained. You become a better person in your own right.

    Then when you've become secure and content with yourself, this is when you automatically attract others to you because they sense that you have your act together. No one wants to be with an insecure person.

    In the past, I wanted to rekindle relationships and what we want and wish for and what reality is are two separate things. You always have to examine personality, character, how the other person thinks, speaks and writes. If they're not on the same page with you, all the will to make the relationship work will fail time and time again. Once you realize this concept, you become serene and actually happy with yourself. It's as if you found the golden nugget, the secret to wisdom if you will. It's a real eye opener. Thinking long and hard is a good thing. This is how you become smarter.

    Always give your current coping process a positive spin. Give yourself the power of positive thinking and it will change your outlook on your life and how you'll behave in the future. You'll be more sure of yourself as time marches on.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    That is so recent, you poor dear. No wonder you are hurting so much. I am so sorry that your first ex brainwashed you into thinking that you should not be empathetic, or feel and express emotions. Shame on him. That's what human beings are all about. We're not made of stone. The good part is that you've learned from this, the hard way. Life sucks at times. I am so proud of you for taking that huge step. That takes strength and courage. Bravo! Of course you were sobbing; how could you not, after being with him for 4 years. You had me crying. I also did something similar: I took all the jewelry that he gave me and put it into a safe deposit box shortly after I moved to my apartment almost a year ago. I didn't want it to touch me. Weird, I know. I still cannot bring myself to wearing it. At least, not yet. Who knows?

    I'm glad you spoke to his nan. I imagine it gave you some closure as well as having your say. Looks like you are on the right path. Don't get discourage along the way. Be prepared for a long journey. There will be days that you'll feel like you're making progress and other days when you'll feel like you're back to square one. It's normal. Are you familiar with the five stages of grief? If not, check this out: x I'm at the anger stage right now. Angry at him, at myself for not seeing how toxic the relationship was, angry that I still miss him at times. Like you mentioned earlier, there is no quick fix.

    Yes, I'm so fortunate that I have my family and his family to support me. His mom is very upset with what he did. They've been wonderful. As far as the mutual friends are concerned, I understand to a point. He works with these people, and I know them and their spouses or girlfriends. However, if they were genuine friends, some of them would have offered me some sort of kindness via Facebook (number of us are on Facebook). I didn't expect a phone call nor for them to take sides. But a "How are you?" or "Thinking of you" would have been nice. It's OK. I don't need people like that in my life. They've shown their true colours. Such is life. I do need to socialise though. I've joined some Meepup groups but I'm not ready or talk to people just yet. Hopefully, in time.

    Know that you certainly are not alone. I believe that most of us experience heartache at one point or another. Just don't give up, OK? Hugs.
    I will not give up thank you so much! I feel so much better now actually, I just found myself not even thinking about him earlier whilst I was doing something earlier. I felt so relieved that the waves of emotions are finally dying down. I still get hit by the wave every now and then but instead of ignoring it, I acknowledge it, sit for a while, and learn from it. I think at the moment the type of wave that still hits my core a little bit is the nostalgia wave as he and I created a lot of good memories together that I will never forget. This means that what we had created together was real and it's bittersweet in that sense. Although I take solace in the fact that I now have the chance to create better memories in the future, whether it'd be with someone special, friends, or just myself. My future partner will be lucky because he will get to experience a much better and stronger version of me who is more compassionate, empathetic, and got his priorities together.

    At this point, my heart is now exhausted and already on the mend. And yes, maybe in some days I would find myself being lonely and missing him, that's okay too. It just means that I need to tackle those feelings and address them. Right now, my priority is to not seeking love but to just learn to embrace myself again as I come first before any other man. I just don't think that it's fair on myself to give love when I can't fully love myself yet!

    As for you, you have already made so much progress and I really admire your courage and wisdom. Hang in there, as you said, we are all in this journey together and we will make it no matter what happens! That alone should be enough to make us feel hopeful again.

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