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Thread: Need some advice and encouragement

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Even though your story is different than mine or other people's, I can relate in my own way. There are different breakups with different people in our lives but there are so many parallels where feelings and sentiments are quite similar.

    Having said that, what you need to remind and constantly tell yourself during this coping process is to be kind to yourself. Often times, when we live with regrets and / or remorse, we beat ourselves up very badly. Other than being kind to yourself, remind yourself that you need to give yourself TIME to heal and recover. This could take weeks and months. I know it did for me.

    What helped me were healthy distractions. I concentrated on my health, my Golden Retriever at the time, worked out (exercised diligently), dieted strictly and I'm glad you're doing the same because you're on the right track. I delved into hobbies, went on outings, developed intellectual interests, joined a book club (book discussion & potluck), surrounded myself with like minded friends who were very nice to me and other times, I enjoyed my own time with SILENCE. It was a time for thinking long and hard, focusing on my own life, introspection and it was comforting. I felt safe and secure. I recharged my batteries. At first, I felt uneasy and lonely. However, over time I actually grew to enjoy liking myself, felt more and more secure within my own skin and content. You have to be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day.

    Even though breaking up is painful as estrangement from various people in our lives whether friends, relatives, extended family members or previous significant others, I always take it life lessons. I've learned from my past mistakes. I've learned to deal with people better, became empathetic and if some people are simply impossible to have a harmonious, intelligent relationship with, I either enforce healthy boundaries with them or release them from my life. I no longer become dramatic with them. I let them go. Should our paths cross, I remain civil and polite and that's it. We're not chums. If I cannot avoid people whom I don't like, again, I'm well mannered but distant in a safe way. You learn how to navigate yourself, learn the delicate dance with dynamics, become considerate and at the same time protect yourself if the situation is either hopeless or unreasonable. You learn to discern. You learn how to be diplomatic, firm yet fair. You learn that you cannot control others but you can steer the ship. You can control yourself and behave honorably all the while. You can behave like a decent human being, give common courtesy, common decency and behave with class. You make wise judgments based upon fairness and respect. You guard your words wisely whether speaking or writing. You treat others the way you would want to be treated. Painful experiences equal wisdom gained. You become a better person in your own right.

    Then when you've become secure and content with yourself, this is when you automatically attract others to you because they sense that you have your act together. No one wants to be with an insecure person.

    In the past, I wanted to rekindle relationships and what we want and wish for and what reality is are two separate things. You always have to examine personality, character, how the other person thinks, speaks and writes. If they're not on the same page with you, all the will to make the relationship work will fail time and time again. Once you realize this concept, you become serene and actually happy with yourself. It's as if you found the golden nugget, the secret to wisdom if you will. It's a real eye opener. Thinking long and hard is a good thing. This is how you become smarter.

    Always give your current coping process a positive spin. Give yourself the power of positive thinking and it will change your outlook on your life and how you'll behave in the future. You'll be more sure of yourself as time marches on.
    Thank you very much for you wisdom. I really appreciate it, it is always nice to have someone else's perspective because sometimes our judgement is clouded that we can't see any other way. Yes I have been doing a lot of introspection, I have now learned from that vital thing that you said 'treat other people how you like to be treated', I used to not pay attention to that all but now I will be living by that because at the end of the day, it's free to be a decent human being. There's no harm in it and if anything it actually makes me feel good to just be nice and empathetic towards other people. We live and learn. As for now I don't think it's even a good idea to entertain the thought of rekindling relationships, at least not for now until I have fully healed and have managed to attain the best version of myself. One of the main reasons why my relationship collapsed was because I was not very compassionate towards people, I was tactless with my words even towards my ex partner, he had a very low-self esteem. It slowly chipped away the little confidence he had left. He must've not felt loved enough, I felt bad about that but I did not know any better. I am learning now from this mistake and started being empathetic again and careful with the words I say to people. Hindsight is such a beautiful thing but it costs you, whether it be your partner or friend.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by trisinister
    I will not give up thank you so much! I feel so much better now actually, I just found myself not even thinking about him earlier whilst I was doing something earlier. I felt so relieved that the waves of emotions are finally dying down. I still get hit by the wave every now and then but instead of ignoring it, I acknowledge it, sit for a while, and learn from it. I think at the moment the type of wave that still hits my core a little bit is the nostalgia wave as he and I created a lot of good memories together that I will never forget. This means that what we had created together was real and it's bittersweet in that sense. Although I take solace in the fact that I now have the chance to create better memories in the future, whether it'd be with someone special, friends, or just myself. My future partner will be lucky because he will get to experience a much better and stronger version of me who is more compassionate, empathetic, and got his priorities together.

    At this point, my heart is now exhausted and already on the mend. And yes, maybe in some days I would find myself being lonely and missing him, that's okay too. It just means that I need to tackle those feelings and address them. Right now, my priority is to not seeking love but to just learn to embrace myself again as I come first before any other man. I just don't think that it's fair on myself to give love when I can't fully love myself yet!

    As for you, you have already made so much progress and I really admire your courage and wisdom. Hang in there, as you said, we are all in this journey together and we will make it no matter what happens! That alone should be enough to make us feel hopeful again.
    It's devastating at first but the heart heals eventually. I'm so happy that your journey towards healing has begun. Baby steps and you'll get there. I, too, have some good memories and no one can take those away from us. My future partner will be lucky because he will get to experience a much better and stronger version of me who is more compassionate, empathetic, and got his priorities together. I love how beautifully you've worded this. You are so wise and intelligent. i admire you! You will love again when you are ready. I'm sure about that. You take good care of yourself, trisinister, OK? Hugs to you.

    One more thing: I find that listening to some upbeat music helps lighten my spirits.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    It's devastating at first but the heart heals eventually. I'm so happy that your journey towards healing has begun. Baby steps and you'll get there. I, too, have some good memories and no one can take those away from us. My future partner will be lucky because he will get to experience a much better and stronger version of me who is more compassionate, empathetic, and got his priorities together. I love how beautifully you've worded this. You are so wise and intelligent. i admire you! You will love again when you are ready. I'm sure about that. You take good care of yourself, trisinister, OK? Hugs to you.

    One more thing: I find that listening to some upbeat music helps lighten my spirits.
    Thank you very much goddess! Yes, I am slowly but surely getting there. And I will definitely take a good care of myself, it's the least I could do for myself. You too, always look after yourself goddess! Yes I have been doing that too, also the ones that about healing after break-ups. I also tend to keep a loose journal of what I have been up to and my feelings. I find it rather therapeutic. I hope you are feeling okay and having a great day, goddess.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by trisinister
    Thank you very much goddess! Yes, I am slowly but surely getting there. And I will definitely take a good care of myself, it's the least I could do for myself. You too, always look after yourself goddess! Yes I have been doing that too, also the ones that about healing after break-ups. I also tend to keep a loose journal of what I have been up to and my feelings. I find it rather therapeutic. I hope you are feeling okay and having a great day, goddess.
    Trisinister, you are one together person! You've hit a rather large bump in your life (breakup with your ex) but you have such a good attitude. Keep up the good work, continue writing in your journal and visit this site. I am amazed at how many people have experienced a breakup, or have recently had a breakup. Thank you for your feedback and stay in touch. Hugs.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Trisinister, you are one together person! You've hit a rather large bump in your life (breakup with your ex) but you have such a good attitude. Keep up the good work, continue writing in your journal and visit this site. I am amazed at how many people have experienced a breakup, or have recently had a breakup. Thank you for your feedback and stay in touch. Hugs.
    Hi Goddess, today I feel rather down again. I keep on dreaming about my ex then I wake up feeling very heavy hearted. I just don't know when it will stop. I keep on thinking about him even though I try my best to acknowledge it and then stop entertaining the thoughts. They are just thoughts but they haunt me all the time. I feel better just venting here because I don't have much anyone to talk about this thoroughly. I hope that you don't mind if I keep in touch with you. I hope you are healing well Goddess and wish you all the best in the world.

  7. #16
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    If anyone has any more advice to give please don't hesitate, I really need it right now and it's helping me a lot with my healing.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by trisinister
    If anyone has any more advice to give please don't hesitate, I really need it right now and it's helping me a lot with my healing.
    I just posted these on another thread:

    Videos from this channel - [Register to see the link]

    Breakup Recovery Guide - [Register to see the link]

    The audio book 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson...was an absolute Godsend to me...!

    Hope these help*

    Hang in there buddy. You're doin' great*

    Carus*

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    I just posted these on another thread:

    Videos from this channel - [Register to see the link]

    Breakup Recovery Guide - [Register to see the link]

    The audio book 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson...was an absolute Godsend to me...!

    Hope these help*

    Hang in there buddy. You're doin' great*

    Carus*


    Thank you for the suggestions Carus. I am doing a bit better. I still have my moments, such as waking up from a very bad dream of my ex and the constant rollercoaster ride of emotions. I will have a go at the audio book, it looks very helpful.

    Some days, I feel a-okay, and some days, I just feel like I want to hibernate and wake up once I start feeling indifferent. Sadly, there is simply no shortcut. I am not losing hope though, I just know that I will be able to come out of the end of the tunnel, stronger and better.

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