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Thread: How to move on from this crush and deal with mutual friends?

  1. #1
    Member eldasensei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Gotham, MBTI: INFJ

    How to move on from this crush and deal with mutual friends?

    Hi guys,

    I don't really know where to start. But this post is about a girl in my friends group(which makes things more complicated for me) for who I've developed a crush on, I think, over a span of 2 years gradually. In my eyes, she is extremely attractive. Furthermore, this is the girl I posted a thread about earlier in the year. At the time I kinda felt depressed about it. This went on for 2/3 months after that but it had finally gotten better. Since then, I didn't spoke to her or hadn't seen her. Yesterday, I've spoken and seen her for the first time with the whole friends group, since, almost a half year. We meet up to kind of say farewell to a fellow friend(she decided to go back to her own country) from within the group. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go because I didn't want to feel crushed or sad again. I will write down how the whole day went and how I felt (this is going to be a long post, brace yourselves), I would like to have advice from you guys of how to proceed further with her and the group of friends. I would be extremely gratefull! Moreover, english is not my main language. Sorry if some sentences are not well written.

    First of all. I allways believed that, when someone posts something about their crush here. 9/10 of the time their crush is not reciprocated. And, I know that I am not the exception here, just the friendzone guy I dread to be. Yet, I would like to vent and have your opinion or advice.

    Where to start.

    We all meet up at a station, I came in last and saw her(the crush, or rather, lets call her "C") and stood next to her. they were all happy to see me and she looked surprised and very enthousiastic. Congratulated me for graduating, getting my masters and started a conversation with me. I felt excited and talked with her. Not so long after (perhaps not even a minute), she unexpectedly cut the conversation and focused her attention on another guy in my friendsgroup and I kinda felt left out, not valued and it also felt rude, even though it might've not been like that at all. I allways kinda suspected there was a thing between those two, at least a good connection and, to be honest, allways felt jealous. In this case I'll call this guy Mr.T. Please, bear with me. I did not want to make a big deal out of it and started a conversation with another friend and just moved on.

    Throughout the whole day, she (C) walked together with Mr.T (8/10 of the occasions) and this was a noticable thing to the rest of the group (and offcourse, especially for me), which, one of my other friends mentioned this. We first went for a dinner at a restaurant and I intentionally sat next to her because I wanted to find out and know for sure if something was there. Mr.T was sitting left of me, so I was kind of between C en Mr.T, the rest was sitting across the table. While, making an order, she started flirting, teasing with the waiter (This went on for multiple occasions while we were there. Moreover, I'm not an expert in knowing what is an attractive male, but he deffinitly looked like a guy who would get lots of female attention) and we all made our orders (yes I ended up jealous again, and also feel guilty for it, I wish that I wouldn't feel this way).

    Throughout the dinner I initiated converstations with her, she was enthousiastic talking about herself but I also noticed that at some point I kind of felt burned out and did not feel like talking anymore, it was likewise for her I think and we just continued talking to others. At some point Mr.T made a remark of "lets grab some coffee" in which she happily reacted to it immediately and wanted to go along with it. But when the waiter (a different one) came, Mr.T ordered coffee and C sounded a bit dissapointed and thought that we would grab coffee at some place else. For me, it looked like they were not able to make a decision, in which I just made the decision for them and said lets go grab coffee somewhere else for a change. They all sounded happy but C and Mr.T kind off blamed me that it was rude against the waiter/restaurant. Nonetheless, we came at a nice barrista and Mr.T and C immediately sit next to eachother on the couch. they were in their own bubble for the whole time there and it felt like I was the only one that wasn't able to strike a conversation with them. It felt like I was constantly being cut off, while for others it was very easy. I felt like a child trying to fit in.

    Although, I kept talking to another friend, in my own mind I ended up in a negative spiral, and thought, whats the point in trying. I felt like my visit there was way above expiration date at some point, but because some of them wanted to stay longer and insisted (and Mr.T with C wanted to grab some milkshake), I stayed for them and the friend that was about to leave for her own country. The whole dynamic did not have any changes for the remainder of the day. Mr.T and C were together having a good time, while I tried strucking conversations with others, but I did not feel like it at all.

    At the end, Mr.T came up to me and asked me why I was so quite. I lied and told him that it was a side effect of a medicine I had to take (which I really do had to take for an infected wound) and felt very tired from it. C laughingly joked (almost laughing hysterically) that they all should watch out and deffinitly not let me drive. I almost stumbled at that point and she laughed harder. She also made fun of my grammar, laughing about it like she was almost fainting, (admittedly I am not good at it, but it turned out that my grammar was actually correct), which I wouldn't mind and take it too serious. But she went on too long about it. It bothered me at some point and started to see it almost as mocking and bullying instead of teasing. I felt annoyed. At this point I am thinking: Yes, physically she might look very nice, but some of her remarks bothered me more then I wouldíve thought. It could also be that I am just making a big deal out of small things but I am more inclined to avoid her forever, within the best of my ability. I think I would also do her a favor with this, while 1 or 2 people within the group will be bothered by me not participating in the group (I would still want to engage with them personally).

    At the end of the day I felt very unappreciated, a bit offended, nevermind feeling respected, a huge idiot for feeling this way towards her for almost 2 years. Although, I mightíve had feelings for her, in her eyes the best thing I probably was, is a nuisance. Although, at first I was happy to see everyone alive and well, I regret for my own mental wellbeing for being there.

    On the other hand, I have to be honest and hard against myself. While, I engaged with the friendsgroup, it was mostly with the intention of seeing her. Which was selfish and stupid of me.

    A friend of mine mentioned that she mightíve flirted with me, and that I should, at least try and ask her to grab a cup of coffee together. Honestly, I might have the wrong lenses because of some lingering feelings, but I think Iím not blind enough to see the difference between attraction based flirting and mocking, making fun of someone in a negative way. This felt deffinitly like the latter and it feels clear to me that she has no attraction towards me at all (at least, the way Iíve had experienced everything). Moreover, I tried making plans with the group in the past and she never felt like coming or being part of the plan, while, when Mr.T would make plans, she allways was very excited to be part of it. She would also never hesitate to ask Mr.T to have a cup of coffee together, while with the rest and including me, she would, very much hesitate. I am just not in her interest and donít excite her enough, I have to accept that and move on. The problem is, I donít know how to move on as we have mutual friends. I just want to feel indifferent and move on from this.

    Mr.T made plans to travel to the country of our mutual friend this new year's eve and planned a date. C again, instantly replied and signed in excitingly (the rest still has to reply). While, I am also excited and mentioned before that I would want to go to our mutual friend, I canít go anymore. My mutual friend would feel disappointed and kind of sad about it, I just canít. Iíll deffinitly visit her some other time.

    One other thing. Although, Iíve been a very jealous and selfish person through out all of this with Mr.T and C. Mr.T is a very great and considerate person and friend. He has a much better head on his shoulders then me and is a great guy, in and out. If it ever works out between Mr.T and C. I would wish them the best and would be very happy for hem, even with all this jealousy. But I do have to take care of myself first, which one of the first things I want to do, is move on.

    Thankyou if you ever came this far!
    Last edited by eldasensei; 05-31-2019 at 03:30 PM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Florida Panhandle
    I think you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Feeling sorry for yourself is not an attractive quality, and it probably comes across to others. Good grief. Your crush probably prefers Mr. T because I'm guessing he exudes confidence, and he's not into self pity.

    Why not pluck up some courage and call her and ask her out? If she makes excuses not to go out, then work on moving on. Don't leave the group because she's still there. Work on building some self-confidence.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Land of Wind & Ghosts
    Find another woman to date / a girlfriend, and you won't be thinking about her anymore.

    Certainly there are other women in the world you would like to kiss? Plus, it does not matter if you like them - they have to like you back, otherwise, nothing starts.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Well, it's obvious that C and Mr.T have a mutual attraction. That seems very right and natural. Your problem is that you and C don't share a mutual attraction. It's a one-way attraction for you. There's nothing you can do to change that, and it sucks, I know. I've been there. I think most people have experienced unrequited love. And I think that your reaction is ok. You were in a crappy situation and you (unsurprisingly) felt crappy. But you didn't do or say anything reactive, and that is key.

    As for the making fun of you bit: I don't know if it actually happened and I think you should just forget about it. You say throughout your post that you felt like an outsider, and that you were miserable. Well, your mind can play tricks on you when you feel that way. It can seem like the world is against you, when in reality your friends noticed that you were quiet and withdrawn and were probably trying to make light of the situation.

    Remember your last thread, where you felt like you had completely alienated this girl with your grumpy texts? Well, it turns out you didn't alienate her, did you? When you saw her again this time, she was happy to see you. She didn't give you the same attention that she gave to Mr.T, but unfortunately she is not attracted to you in the way that she is attracted to Mr.T. You're not doing anything wrong, it simply is what it is.

    I think you're actually handling the situation correctly. It just happens to be one of the tougher situations to deal with. Believe me, no one in your shoes would be skipping blithely along saying, "Gee, this is so easy!"


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