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Thread: This feels like a break up....

  1. #1

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    This feels like a break up....

    I had been dating a guy I met online about a month; from the beginning I made clear to him that I was only interested in dating men that were serious about getting into a relationship and he told me he was also looking for something serious as he was tired of dating and choosing the "wrong people" like me. We hit it off instantly and it felt right. Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. We texted and called each other everyday after that. Our second time hanging out was the same thing, but this time things got a little hot and heavy but we did not have sex, finally third date, we meet up at his place before going to watch a movie one thing led to another and we end up having sex, afterwards we go to the movies and once we say goodbye for the night I notice he's acting a bit different. Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us. Even though I had a gut wrenching feeling that it was the end before he told me I was still shocked, when I ask why he says "more than anything else fundamental things are more important to me, you never thanked me for dinner and the movies to me that looked like I had to do those things for you." I was absolutely floored this person who a couple days ago was this sweet and incredible person was basically calling me ungrateful. I know I had only been dating him for a month, but this felt like a break up, how could this person someone I had been this excited about a future together suddenly end things with me over that?! I don't get it and still don't get it?! My first thought was that he was just using me, but I'm honestly still distraught.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I suspect alot of responses you will receive will be that the guy was just after sex. It's possible, but I want to give you something else to consider. When you lead with a first date and set this tone Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. You come across a little victim like and you put all the responsibility on him.

    If you don't want to be used for sex, then you just act on your own behalf. You don't need to tell anyone that.

    One date in and there is this implied ultimatum and while things end up progressing naturally, you two end up having sex and now 3 dates in and this man has just realized he signed his life away by doing so. It kinda takes the enjoyment out of the discovery process and he second guesses what he might have just agreed to. That's probably why he grasped at the negative points and shared them with you.

    In the future take your time. You decide whether or not you will be sexual and you take responsibility for the risks.
    If it's too risky for you and your require more of a guarantee, then you wait until you have more information.
    It's ok. I know I do.

  3. #3
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    It could be a couple things.

    He is possibly being very honest that he doesn't feel you appreciated the dates, even you feel you were showing him otherwise.

    The other possibility is that he didn't feel sexual chemistry once you two did the deed. You said you noticed he was different just after having sex, which makes me wonder if it just didn't click for him in bed. This is not to say that you did something wrong, but sometimes the intimate element is very different from what we expect and just doesn't work.

    Who knows, maybe he's had a recent break-up and having sex with someone else was just too much for him to handle yet. I am not sure I'd say he used you for sex, as it stands to reason that if he felt sexual sparks, he wouldn't have cut it off so abruptly.

    I'm sorry this happened, in any event. I can understand why it stings.

  4. #4

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    I appreciate the feedback and yes, it stings. Ugh.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Telling you that he thought you had a 'bright future' together on the first date was a huge red flag.

  7. #6

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    It was, now that I think about it and all of the other red flags and how stupid I was to ignore them.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    It was, now that I think about it and all of the other red flags and how stupid I was to ignore them.
    Don't beat yourself up about it. Really. We all have to learn the hard way sometimes. Use it as a valuable learning experience.

  9. #8
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    Look he's either not being honest and it was something else (connection wore off, sex didn't work, he was only in it for sex, etc) - in which case he's not honest and it never would have worked out; or he's being honest and broke it off for a pretty superficial and weird reason, in which case you wouldn't have wanted to date him any longer to find out what other odd expectations he might have had.

    You probably got a little caught up in the excitement of that early connection, it happens. Don't be hard on yourself. It stings now, but onward and upward. It'll pass.

  10. #9

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    Thank you and yes, I think you have a point.

  11. #10
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    As soon as I read that he saw "A bright future with you,". I know he was full of sh$t. How can one see a bright future with a stranger! Also, all the "lovey dovey" talk is also a red flag. You do not know one another.

    If you want a relationship, then do not be so eager to give away the goodies. You need to be smarter when it comes to smooth talking players. He used the thank you thing as an excuse, but you should thank people when they treat you. Always!

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