Jump to content

This feels like a break up....


MarissaJ

Recommended Posts

I had been dating a guy I met online about a month; from the beginning I made clear to him that I was only interested in dating men that were serious about getting into a relationship and he told me he was also looking for something serious as he was tired of dating and choosing the "wrong people" like me. We hit it off instantly and it felt right. Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. We texted and called each other everyday after that. Our second time hanging out was the same thing, but this time things got a little hot and heavy but we did not have sex, finally third date, we meet up at his place before going to watch a movie one thing led to another and we end up having sex, afterwards we go to the movies and once we say goodbye for the night I notice he's acting a bit different. Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us. Even though I had a gut wrenching feeling that it was the end before he told me I was still shocked, when I ask why he says "more than anything else fundamental things are more important to me, you never thanked me for dinner and the movies to me that looked like I had to do those things for you." I was absolutely floored this person who a couple days ago was this sweet and incredible person was basically calling me ungrateful. I know I had only been dating him for a month, but this felt like a break up, how could this person someone I had been this excited about a future together suddenly end things with me over that?! I don't get it and still don't get it?! My first thought was that he was just using me, but I'm honestly still distraught.

Link to comment

I suspect alot of responses you will receive will be that the guy was just after sex. It's possible, but I want to give you something else to consider. When you lead with a first date and set this tone Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. You come across a little victim like and you put all the responsibility on him.

 

If you don't want to be used for sex, then you just act on your own behalf. You don't need to tell anyone that.

 

One date in and there is this implied ultimatum and while things end up progressing naturally, you two end up having sex and now 3 dates in and this man has just realized he signed his life away by doing so. It kinda takes the enjoyment out of the discovery process and he second guesses what he might have just agreed to. That's probably why he grasped at the negative points and shared them with you.

 

In the future take your time. You decide whether or not you will be sexual and you take responsibility for the risks.

If it's too risky for you and your require more of a guarantee, then you wait until you have more information.

It's ok. I know I do.

Link to comment

It could be a couple things.

 

He is possibly being very honest that he doesn't feel you appreciated the dates, even you feel you were showing him otherwise.

 

The other possibility is that he didn't feel sexual chemistry once you two did the deed. You said you noticed he was different just after having sex, which makes me wonder if it just didn't click for him in bed. This is not to say that you did something wrong, but sometimes the intimate element is very different from what we expect and just doesn't work.

 

Who knows, maybe he's had a recent break-up and having sex with someone else was just too much for him to handle yet. I am not sure I'd say he used you for sex, as it stands to reason that if he felt sexual sparks, he wouldn't have cut it off so abruptly.

 

I'm sorry this happened, in any event. I can understand why it stings.

Link to comment

Look he's either not being honest and it was something else (connection wore off, sex didn't work, he was only in it for sex, etc) - in which case he's not honest and it never would have worked out; or he's being honest and broke it off for a pretty superficial and weird reason, in which case you wouldn't have wanted to date him any longer to find out what other odd expectations he might have had.

 

You probably got a little caught up in the excitement of that early connection, it happens. Don't be hard on yourself. It stings now, but onward and upward. It'll pass.

Link to comment

As soon as I read that he saw "A bright future with you,". I know he was full of sh$t. How can one see a bright future with a stranger! Also, all the "lovey dovey" talk is also a red flag. You do not know one another.

 

If you want a relationship, then do not be so eager to give away the goodies. You need to be smarter when it comes to smooth talking players. He used the thank you thing as an excuse, but you should thank people when they treat you. Always!

Link to comment

Yes, the fact that he said those.....ugh.....stupid lovey-dovey words on your first dates was a huge red flag.

 

I get how easy it is to fall into belief here, as it's what you want so bad, so don't beat yourself up about it.

 

This wasn't going to last, whether you had sex or not. If you didn't have sex, he'd have stopped contacting, and you'd think it was because you said no. But since you did have sex, it seems like he was just after a booty call.

 

Here's the thing: He was going to stop contacting you either way, once he got bored. And guys like him get bored easily.

Link to comment

 

Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us. Even though I had a gut wrenching feeling that it was the end before he told me I was still shocked, when I ask why he says "more than anything else fundamental things are more important to me, you never thanked me for dinner and the movies to me that looked like I had to do those things for you."

 

 

Telling you that he thought you had a 'bright future' together on the first date was a huge red flag.

 

I agree with this, and OP, one thing I've learned about men (well not all, but many) is that when they first meet a woman they are attracted to, their very first order of business is to have sex with her.

 

This is NOT a bad thing, it means he's very attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. And until he does, his hormones are in high gear, he will come on super strong, even believing himself that you're "the one," and as such will say all sort of things like what this guy did -- he sees a "bright future" with you etc etc etc.

 

Now how can he possibly know that after only one date? He can't, he doesn't even know you! But try telling him that, he's so out of control with feelings of lust and raging hormones, he's not even thinking clearly.

 

In short, he's in fantasy mode right now.

 

Okay, so then he has sex with you. Reality hits. His first goal has been accomplished. So now is the time he starts really using his brain and thinks about how good a fit you are. Remember, before this, his hormones were in high gear and pretty much all he thought about was having sex with you.

 

Even my boyfriend admitted this to me!! And he's in his mid-40's! Course he didn't tell me this to way after we became a "couple" and were exclusive, but those were his thoughts. We had sex on our sixth date. Things didn't change much after that only because he doesn't have commitment issues, and did see me as the right fit, so we carried on and here we are today almost 1.5 year later.

 

Anyway, now that's he had sex with you, and he's sort of calmed down, he starts looking at you with a more rational brain.

 

If he's got commitment issues, and doesn't want a relationship, he'll use anything he can against you, to dump you and avoid looking like the "bad guy." It's called gaslighting.

 

That is sort of what it sounds like here. I mean what the *, suddenly after you have sex, you're not the right fit because you didn't thank him for dinner and the movies?

 

Is he freakin serious?

 

Please don't give this chump a second thought, seriously. I certainly wouldn't. I might feel disappointment for like a day, and that's about it.

 

You dodged a major bullet, my dear.

Link to comment

I'm sorry for the sting—moments like this come with dating, so don't beat yourself up (or even him) about it all.

 

I really like reinvent's take, I have to say. Reminds me of when I'd be swiping on the apps and women would say something like "no hookups, no a$$holes" under their photos. Immediate interest-killer for me, not because I was swiping to hookup with randoms but the opposite.

 

I just don't find it attractive when people explicitly lead with sex—especially from an angle where the assumption is I'm an a$$hole who has to prove that otherwise by...what? Hooking up with you as soon as possible and then proposing? Or never showing interest in hooking up until I propose? Either way, everything is already about sex and we haven't, like, even met.

 

Maybe the little lesson here is to just save the talks about sex for later, once you're comfortable enough with someone to go there. Spending a first date telling someone you don't really know who has never seen your booty that you don't want to be a "booty call" is basically a trap. It's bluntly expressing sexual willingness (that you're down for some booty stuff) but with unrealistic parameters (that booty stuff with a stranger makes them less strange). If you need some heart stuff before the booty stuff, give it time to develop; if not, all good too. But the booty and the heart are separate things—biology 101.

 

None of that is to make you feel bad. Sometimes we have to give into hormones to learn to corral them a bit, not be so beholden to them. Dude doesn't sound like much of catch, anyhow, as others are saying. Hopefully he was good in bed—great. If not—whatever. Life. A bruise that'll be gone by this time next week. Plenty of good dudes out there. Best way to find them is by having talks about things other than booties and see if they can hang.

Link to comment

I have a question re this "leading with sex" theory. Specifically the woman leading with sex and how she shouldn't do so if she wants a healthy mutually-rewarding long term relationship.

 

Using the Op's situation, they were getting along swimmingly on dates one and two, and decided together (I am assuming) to have sex on the third date.

 

She felt comfortable with that and obviously he did as well.

 

How is this the OP leading with sex? Couldn't it be just as true that he led with sex? Or they both led with sex? Why is the burden of "leading with sex" placed only on the woman?

 

I don't get why this a bad thing, they were both attracted and wanted to have sex. Whether or not it leads to a long term relationship had yet to be seen as it would if they had NOT had sex.

 

I had sex with my bf on the sixth date, did I lead with sex? How many dates should a couple have before having sex lest the woman be accused of leading with sex?

 

I am not being obtuse I promise, I really don't understand it.

 

I don't see how the OP did anything to warrant this guy's sudden change of mind after sex. Or how he could have felt he was "signing his life away" afterwards, due to OP's actions and comment about not wanting to be just a booty call. I'm just not seeing it.

 

She was attracted, he was attracted, they both acted on that attraction. He said things to her that led her to believe it could be more, and if there were any mistakes made by the OP, it was believing him. Lesson learned for next time.

 

But other than that, I really don't see how she "led" with sex, or maybe I'm just not understanding what that means.

Link to comment

Yes I agree! I mean I've heard a lot of stories of people having sex on the first or second date and they end up getting in long-term relationships or even married. I think if a person really truly is interested in someone the "sex" isn't going to change anything it's just the next step in the relationship and that's how I saw it because I felt really comfortable with him and he did too.

Link to comment
When I said that I was referring to talking about sexual expectations the first time you meet someone.

 

Oh like when she said this?

 

>>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call.

 

Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

 

But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)

Link to comment

Marissa, please don't feel too bad. This guy has commitment issues, and he totally gaslighted you.

 

I mean come on, he goes from "he sees a bright future with you" to having sex and then immediately afterwards, announcing he doesn't want to date you again because you didn't thank him for dinner and the movies?

 

I mean it's such a lame reason, it's almost laughable don't you think?

 

So just laugh and chalk it up, seriously.

 

I suspect you will encounter many men like him on your dating journey. If I have any advice, it's when a guy leads with "I see a bright future with you" on the first date, let it go in one ear and out the other. He's attracted to you and in fantasy mode.

 

If you choose to have early sex (within three dates), try to not have any expectations. If he wants to move forward with you, and you want that as well, terrific, if not, then chalk it up to experience and carry on with head high.

 

If you find you become too attached after sex, then wait a while before having sex.

 

Chin up, okay? And good luck!!

Link to comment
Oh like when she said this?

 

>>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call.

 

Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

 

But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)

 

Kat she led with sex and as blue said displayed herself as a victim with that statement because there’s a huge difference between:

 

“I don’t want to become a booty call.”

 

And

 

“I’m looking for a relationship what about you?”

 

Huge difference between the two, the first puts the other person on the defensive, is showing weak boundaries that can easily be swayed. Just imagining that statement to me it comes off as whiny and not in control of your own sexuality essentially leading with sex because you’re dangling a carrot and saying hey this isn’t all that well guarded...

 

Stating a boundary is not what she did, she stated a weakness, stating ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ let’s the other person know in a confident way, pretty much the same thing without putting a target on your back.

 

OPer, you essentially said one thing and did another. You stated you didn’t want to be a booty call but allowed things to turn sexual the second time you met this man. I’m not placing blame I’m stating a fact you really really really need to recognize you hold the power and responsibility to guard your emotional and mental health and that includes making changes to how you approach sex in dating.

 

Stating my preferences and boundaries and sticking to them has never failed me, going out with weak boundaries and leading with sex has, simply because it’s not who I am. If you are a relationship oriented girl don’t bring up sex until it naturally occurs, to kinda piggyback off of what blue said men aren’t brutes who can’t see past boobs and butts, they’re human beings, they don’t need to be treated like dumbed down monkeys, enjoy the conversation, enjoy each others company don’t treat men like theyre predators, do players exist? Of course, female ones do too, boundaries help weed them out though. I personally do not think you’re ready to date, I think you have some self esteem issues to face and you need some more practice with learning what your boundaries are and how you plan to execute them while dating.

 

I’ve been where you are and I had to learn the hard way, now, I don’t let things ‘lead’ anywhere, I don’t accidentally fall into bed, no one does really without an ample amount of alcohol but I digress, as much as I may want to rip off a hot guys shirt, I know my end goal and I know how sex affects me emotionally. I remember a while ago there was a poster who said only have sex in dating if you’re ok with the other person never speaking to you again. My advise is the opposite, only have sex when you know and are ok with the outcome.

Link to comment
Oh like when she said this?

 

>>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call.

 

Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

 

But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)

 

. . .deleted.

Figureitout stated it much better than I could have.

Link to comment

 

Stating a boundary is not what she did, she stated a weakness, stating ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ let’s the other person know in a confident way, pretty much the same thing without putting a target on your back.

 

Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

 

And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

 

But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

 

EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.

Link to comment

He knew I was looking for something serious from the start and before our first date. Two weeks went by before we officially met, we did a quick meet and greet (which I forgot to mention) before our official first date so he knew what I wanted. The whole "booty call" thing came about when he started to ask me questions about sex.

Link to comment
Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

 

And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

 

But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

 

EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.

 

Thank you, Katrina I appreciate your responses

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...