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Thread: This feels like a break up....

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

    And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

    But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

    EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.
    I think that she should have shown it with action, not talk. Not a good idea to be stating these types of things on the first date, it puts you in a place of weakness.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

    And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

    But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

    EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.
    To answer your edit first:

    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    Our second time hanging out was the same thing, but this time things got a little hot and heavy but we did not have sex, finally third date, we meet up at his place before going to watch a movie one thing led to another and we end up having sex, afterwards we go to the movies and once we say goodbye for the night I notice he's acting a bit different. Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us.
    I interpreted that to mean while they didnt have sex things got sexual, kissing, maybe a little heavy petting things of that nature.

    To answer your previous statement:

    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    Our second time hanging out was the same thing, but this time things got a little hot and heavy but we did not have sex, finally third date, we meet up at his place before going to watch a movie one thing led to another and we end up having sex, afterwards we go to the movies and once we say goodbye for the night I notice he's acting a bit different. Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us.
    They actually did not go on a subsequent date. He broke up with her a few days after they had sex. Why? Who knows.

    What I do know now that more information is coming out is that she ignored some glaring red flags:

    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    He knew I was looking for something serious from the start and before our first date. Two weeks went by before we officially met, we did a quick meet and greet (which I forgot to mention) before our official first date so he knew what I wanted. The whole "booty call" thing came about when he started to ask me questions about sex.
    On top of making herself a target.

    Im not trying to be hurtful or mean OPer, Im trying to get you to see that you gotta make some changes to how youre approaching this whole dating game.

    In his shoes, I'd hear "I don't want to just be a booty call" as "My booty is calling for you right this second and I want you to know it." I'd also, of course, hear "My booty would like some words of assurance before exposing itself." And, well, he obliged: "I see a bright future with you."
    This was also where my mind went and FWIW I'm a woman...

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    And he was asking about sex on your first date?
    Let that be a red flag for you.
    Yes! This should have been a blaring, red flag!

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Marissa I stick to my opinion that I think this turkey gaslighted you, and you dodged a bullet.
    I'll agree with the bullet dodged, but gaslighting? Nah.

    We do our best to gauge someone's feelings and intentions. We also have to respect that someone's feelings and intentions are allowed to change, sometimes drastically. The game of dating is walking the line between being both open and protected.

    Me? I protect myself during the first three dates by knowing there is a very high chance that this woman will bounce. Makes no difference if those dates are talking philosophy over mint tea or having marathon sex. Makes no difference if the woman seems "distant and reserved" or is telling me she's never met a soul as magical as mine. We are two people who don't know each other, who are feeling each other out—figuratively and literally.

    The less you know someone, the higher the risk of sudden shifts in feelings and intentions. That is a fact, as hard as the hottest booty.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    They actually did not go on a subsequent date. He broke up with her a few days after they had sex. Why? Who knows.
    Clarifying that they had two more dates (dates two and three, the third ending with sex), after she made the comment about not wanting to be a booty call (in response to his questions). :)

    Absolutely 100% agree that a man leading with sexual questions on date one is a big red flag!!

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'll agree with the bullet dodged, but gaslighting? Nah.

    We do our best to gauge someone's feelings and intentions. We also have to respect that someone's feelings and intentions are allowed to change, sometimes drastically. The game of dating is walking the line between being both open and protected.
    blue, I agree our feelings are allowed to change, including his. No argument about that.

    What I consider to be gaslighting is, instead of owning that, owning that his feelings changed for whatever reason that he's not even obligated to disclose, he threw it back on her, essentially blaming her, by telling her he no longer wants to date her because, why?

    She didn't thank him for dinner and the movies. Leaving Marissa's brain spinning and blaming herself.

    I mean come on, if that isn't a clear case of gaslighting, I don't know what is.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-31-2019 at 08:19 PM.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's a lame response, I agree, even if he was 100 percent genuinely annoyed that she didn't thank him.

    The standup move is to own the pivot in feelings, and move on.

    Odds are, of course, that even the most elegant of responses will trigger some mental spins and self-blame. That's the sting—the sourness we all go through in pursuit of the sweet.

    Marissa? Dude is a dunce, not worth your time. A lay and some lessons—chalk it up to that, dust off, move forward, head high.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Clarifying that they had two more dates (dates two and three, the third ending with sex), after she made the comment about not wanting to be a booty call (in response to his questions). :)

    Absolutely 100% agree that a man leading with sexual questions on date one is a big red flag!!
    Well of course they did, as many have stated she pretty much told him 'I have weak boundaries'.

    I dont think anyones saying she chased him away, per se.

    I will only speak for myself but what Im saying is she presented herself, to me, as an easy target and the guy took the bait, the signs were there that this was a shaky connection at best. I dont think hes manipulative or gaslighting her or is even a player, simply because and this is no disrespect to the OPer but he didnt even really try all that hard, he simply responded to the weak boundary bat signal by throwing out some sweet words and boom, her boundaries evaporated. I think in this game of dating you have to wear some armor and she went out like a lamb to slaughter unfortunately.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    blue, I agree our feelings are allowed to change, including his. No argument about that.

    What I consider to be gaslighting is, instead of owning that, owning that his feelings changed for whatever reason that he's not even obligated to disclose, he threw it back on her, essentially blaming her, by telling her he no longer wants to date her because, why?

    She didn't thank him for dinner and the movies. Leaving Marissa's brain spinning and blaming herself.

    I mean come on, if that isn't a clear case of gaslighting, I don't know what is.
    Ah I see what you mean Kat. I do agree with you on that.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It's a lame response, I agree, even if he was 100 percent genuinely annoyed that she didn't thank him.

    The standup move is to own the pivot in feelings, and move on.

    Odds are, of course, that even the most elegant of responses will trigger some mental spins and self-blame. That's the sting—the sourness we all go through in pursuit of the sweet.

    Marissa? Dude is a dunce, not worth your time. A lay and some lessons—chalk it up to that, dust off, move forward, head high.
    Well I agree with you there, wholeheartedly.

    Especially the "dunce" part, lol. A stand up guy would have simply said he enjoyed the time spent, but not interested in pursuing further.

    If she asked why, he could simply say after three dates, he just wasn't feeling enough chemistry, which was probably the truth anyway.

    Even saying that in a text message would be fine, imo. Yes, a big OUCH, and would have still left her with her brain spinning, but at least he owned it.

    Either that or the guy's a bonafide commitmentphobe who would probably run away from his own shadow if given the opportunity.

    But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say, after sex, he just wasn't feeling it, but chose to toss it on her because he didn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" due to the fact they had sex.

    Which is pretty freakin lame if you ask me.

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