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Thread: This feels like a break up....

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Oh like when she said this?

    >>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. <<

    Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

    But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)
    Kat she led with sex and as blue said displayed herself as a victim with that statement because there’s a huge difference between:

    “I don’t want to become a booty call.”

    And

    “I’m looking for a relationship what about you?”

    Huge difference between the two, the first puts the other person on the defensive, is showing weak boundaries that can easily be swayed. Just imagining that statement to me it comes off as whiny and not in control of your own sexuality essentially leading with sex because you’re dangling a carrot and saying hey this isn’t all that well guarded...

    Stating a boundary is not what she did, she stated a weakness, stating ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ let’s the other person know in a confident way, pretty much the same thing without putting a target on your back.

    OPer, you essentially said one thing and did another. You stated you didn’t want to be a booty call but allowed things to turn sexual the second time you met this man. I’m not placing blame I’m stating a fact you really really really need to recognize you hold the power and responsibility to guard your emotional and mental health and that includes making changes to how you approach sex in dating.

    Stating my preferences and boundaries and sticking to them has never failed me, going out with weak boundaries and leading with sex has, simply because it’s not who I am. If you are a relationship oriented girl don’t bring up sex until it naturally occurs, to kinda piggyback off of what blue said men aren’t brutes who can’t see past boobs and butts, they’re human beings, they don’t need to be treated like dumbed down monkeys, enjoy the conversation, enjoy each others company don’t treat men like theyre predators, do players exist? Of course, female ones do too, boundaries help weed them out though. I personally do not think you’re ready to date, I think you have some self esteem issues to face and you need some more practice with learning what your boundaries are and how you plan to execute them while dating.

    I’ve been where you are and I had to learn the hard way, now, I don’t let things ‘lead’ anywhere, I don’t accidentally fall into bed, no one does really without an ample amount of alcohol but I digress, as much as I may want to rip off a hot guys shirt, I know my end goal and I know how sex affects me emotionally. I remember a while ago there was a poster who said only have sex in dating if you’re ok with the other person never speaking to you again. My advise is the opposite, only have sex when you know and are ok with the outcome.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 05-31-2019 at 07:27 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Oh like when she said this?

    >>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. <<

    Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

    But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)
    . . .deleted.
    Figureitout stated it much better than I could have.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    Stating a boundary is not what she did, she stated a weakness, stating ‘I’m looking for a relationship’ let’s the other person know in a confident way, pretty much the same thing without putting a target on your back.
    Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

    And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

    But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

    EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.

  4. #24

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    He knew I was looking for something serious from the start and before our first date. Two weeks went by before we officially met, we did a quick meet and greet (which I forgot to mention) before our official first date so he knew what I wanted. The whole "booty call" thing came about when he started to ask me questions about sex.

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  6. #25

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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Okay that's a very fair point fio, but nevertheless, I still don't see how that comment could lead him to feel like he was signing his life away, and that's why he suddenly dumped her after sex.

    And let's not forgot, they went on to have two more awesome (according to OP) dates after she made that comment, so it must not have affected him that dramatically. They had sex on the third date.

    But again fair point, thank you, and Marissa if you're reading, moving forward consider phrasing it the way FIO suggested instead.

    EDIT: FIO, not that it matters all that much, but they had sex on the third date.
    Thank you, Katrina I appreciate your responses

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    He knew I was looking for something serious from the start and before our first date. Two weeks went by before we officially met, we did a quick meet and greet (which I forgot to mention) before our official first date so he knew what I wanted. The whole "booty call" thing came about when he started to ask me questions about sex.
    And he was asking about sex on your first date?
    Let that be a red flag for you.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    To be clear: I have nothing against having sex on the first, second, third date—whenever—and no hard belief that doing so automatically spoils the potential for a relationship. All in all, I've been pretty quick on the draw on that front, which is to say so have a lot of women I've gone one to date for many weeks and years.

    But onto the specifics of whole "leading with sex" thing...

    The story here, at least as I read it, is that at some point during date one, as things were progressing swimmingly—when OP was feeling that he was really "engaged in conversation" and "interested in getting to know me," she said something like, "Hey, I don't want to just be a booty call."

    She put the booty on the table right there—perhaps literally if they were, you know, sitting at a table and talking when that statement came out. They're vibing, talking travel and movies and whatever people talk about, there's that sweet little flirty simmer going, and then—boom—pivot to the booty. Sex, the thing that is always there in dating, the question of will-we-or-won't-we, was put front and center.

    In the "lead," you could say.

    In his shoes, I'd hear "I don't want to just be a booty call" as "My booty is calling for you right this second and I want you to know it." I'd also, of course, hear "My booty would like some words of assurance before exposing itself." And, well, he obliged: "I see a bright future with you."

    We've all rolled our eyes at his response, but he was just going along with the new sex-forward game, the pivot from movies and books to booties and eyelash batting. I am a far more subtle and articulate man than he is, skilled, in moments like that, of burping up something less cringe-inducing. Still, I'd know the game. A booty on the table is a booty on the table.

    And, hey, nothing wrong with that. No "burden" or judgment on anyone who decides to put their booty on the table that quick. But you have to own it.

    If anyone, man or woman, has some kind of value system that equates "giving up the booty" with "serious commitment" it's simply best to keep the booty on the back burner. Hedges against risk.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    And he was asking about sex on your first date?
    Let that be a red flag for you.
    I agree!!

    ....

  10. #29
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    Actually blue, see Marissa's last post.

    Apparently he led with sex by asking her questions about sex on the first date, and Marissa responded accordingly.

    Marissa I stick to my opinion that I think this turkey gaslighted you, and you dodged a bullet.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MarissaJ
    He knew I was looking for something serious from the start and before our first date. Two weeks went by before we officially met, we did a quick meet and greet (which I forgot to mention) before our official first date so he knew what I wanted. The whole "booty call" thing came about when he started to ask me questions about sex.
    I'll keep my last post up for posterity (pun intended) but, okay, it appears he put the booty on the table first. On the first date. When someone is mentioning sex after knowing you for an hour or so, it's a good sign that their primary focus is sex.

    What you do with that information is up to you, but if it's quickly escalating to "hot and heavy" and then sex, there's simply a risk that that'll be that.

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