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Thread: This feels like a break up....

  1. #11
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    You also should not get so attached so early on!

  2. #12
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    Yes, the fact that he said those.....ugh.....stupid lovey-dovey words on your first dates was a huge red flag.

    I get how easy it is to fall into belief here, as it's what you want so bad, so don't beat yourself up about it.

    This wasn't going to last, whether you had sex or not. If you didn't have sex, he'd have stopped contacting, and you'd think it was because you said no. But since you did have sex, it seems like he was just after a booty call.

    Here's the thing: He was going to stop contacting you either way, once he got bored. And guys like him get bored easily.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by MarissaJ

    Once all sweet and lovey dovey over text and now just seems disinterested, keeps the conversation going but it feels like I'm talking to a friend than a potential boyfriend. At first I try not to panic, but notice this going on for a couple days; finally I ask to meet up so he can return a pair of sunglasses I had left at his house and we meet up at the train station after work there he tells me that things won't work out between us. Even though I had a gut wrenching feeling that it was the end before he told me I was still shocked, when I ask why he says "more than anything else fundamental things are more important to me, you never thanked me for dinner and the movies to me that looked like I had to do those things for you."

    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Telling you that he thought you had a 'bright future' together on the first date was a huge red flag.
    I agree with this, and OP, one thing I've learned about men (well not all, but many) is that when they first meet a woman they are attracted to, their very first order of business is to have sex with her.

    This is NOT a bad thing, it means he's very attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. And until he does, his hormones are in high gear, he will come on super strong, even believing himself that you're "the one," and as such will say all sort of things like what this guy did -- he sees a "bright future" with you etc etc etc.

    Now how can he possibly know that after only one date? He can't, he doesn't even know you! But try telling him that, he's so out of control with feelings of lust and raging hormones, he's not even thinking clearly.

    In short, he's in fantasy mode right now.

    Okay, so then he has sex with you. Reality hits. His first goal has been accomplished. So now is the time he starts really using his brain and thinks about how good a fit you are. Remember, before this, his hormones were in high gear and pretty much all he thought about was having sex with you.

    Even my boyfriend admitted this to me!! And he's in his mid-40's! Course he didn't tell me this to way after we became a "couple" and were exclusive, but those were his thoughts. We had sex on our sixth date. Things didn't change much after that only because he doesn't have commitment issues, and did see me as the right fit, so we carried on and here we are today almost 1.5 year later.

    Anyway, now that's he had sex with you, and he's sort of calmed down, he starts looking at you with a more rational brain.

    If he's got commitment issues, and doesn't want a relationship, he'll use anything he can against you, to dump you and avoid looking like the "bad guy." It's called gaslighting.

    That is sort of what it sounds like here. I mean what the *, suddenly after you have sex, you're not the right fit because you didn't thank him for dinner and the movies?

    Is he freakin serious?

    Please don't give this chump a second thought, seriously. I certainly wouldn't. I might feel disappointment for like a day, and that's about it.

    You dodged a major bullet, my dear.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-31-2019 at 06:29 PM.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the sting—moments like this come with dating, so don't beat yourself up (or even him) about it all.

    I really like reinvent's take, I have to say. Reminds me of when I'd be swiping on the apps and women would say something like "no hookups, no a$$holes" under their photos. Immediate interest-killer for me, not because I was swiping to hookup with randoms but the opposite.

    I just don't find it attractive when people explicitly lead with sex—especially from an angle where the assumption is I'm an a$$hole who has to prove that otherwise by...what? Hooking up with you as soon as possible and then proposing? Or never showing interest in hooking up until I propose? Either way, everything is already about sex and we haven't, like, even met.

    Maybe the little lesson here is to just save the talks about sex for later, once you're comfortable enough with someone to go there. Spending a first date telling someone you don't really know who has never seen your booty that you don't want to be a "booty call" is basically a trap. It's bluntly expressing sexual willingness (that you're down for some booty stuff) but with unrealistic parameters (that booty stuff with a stranger makes them less strange). If you need some heart stuff before the booty stuff, give it time to develop; if not, all good too. But the booty and the heart are separate things—biology 101.

    None of that is to make you feel bad. Sometimes we have to give into hormones to learn to corral them a bit, not be so beholden to them. Dude doesn't sound like much of catch, anyhow, as others are saying. Hopefully he was good in bed—great. If not—whatever. Life. A bruise that'll be gone by this time next week. Plenty of good dudes out there. Best way to find them is by having talks about things other than booties and see if they can hang.

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  6. #15
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    I have a question re this "leading with sex" theory. Specifically the woman leading with sex and how she shouldn't do so if she wants a healthy mutually-rewarding long term relationship.

    Using the Op's situation, they were getting along swimmingly on dates one and two, and decided together (I am assuming) to have sex on the third date.

    She felt comfortable with that and obviously he did as well.

    How is this the OP leading with sex? Couldn't it be just as true that he led with sex? Or they both led with sex? Why is the burden of "leading with sex" placed only on the woman?

    I don't get why this a bad thing, they were both attracted and wanted to have sex. Whether or not it leads to a long term relationship had yet to be seen as it would if they had NOT had sex.

    I had sex with my bf on the sixth date, did I lead with sex? How many dates should a couple have before having sex lest the woman be accused of leading with sex?

    I am not being obtuse I promise, I really don't understand it.

    I don't see how the OP did anything to warrant this guy's sudden change of mind after sex. Or how he could have felt he was "signing his life away" afterwards, due to OP's actions and comment about not wanting to be just a booty call. I'm just not seeing it.

    She was attracted, he was attracted, they both acted on that attraction. He said things to her that led her to believe it could be more, and if there were any mistakes made by the OP, it was believing him. Lesson learned for next time.

    But other than that, I really don't see how she "led" with sex, or maybe I'm just not understanding what that means.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-31-2019 at 07:26 PM.

  7. #16

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    Yes I agree! I mean I've heard a lot of stories of people having sex on the first or second date and they end up getting in long-term relationships or even married. I think if a person really truly is interested in someone the "sex" isn't going to change anything it's just the next step in the relationship and that's how I saw it because I felt really comfortable with him and he did too.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    telling someone you don't really know who has never seen your booty that you don't want to be a "booty call" is basically a trap.

    But the booty and the heart are separate things—biology 101.
    I am going to start writing these things down.
    Classic!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980


    But other than that, I really don't see how she "led" with sex, or maybe I'm just not understanding what that means.
    When I said that I was referring to talking about sexual expectations the first time you meet someone.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    When I said that I was referring to talking about sexual expectations the first time you meet someone.
    Oh like when she said this?

    >>Our first date was one of the best I've had in a while and we both felt comfortable he seemed very interested in getting to know me and really engaged in conversation also telling me that he saw a "bright future with me" when I mentioned to him that I did not want to become a booty call. <<

    Hmmm, still not seeing it, to me she was stating her boundaries. Man and woman having an open and honest conversation and her letting him know she wasn't interested in being some sort of one night stand. Nothing wrong with that imo.

    But I respect your opinion reinvent, as always, and will just leave it at that. :)

  11. #20
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    Marissa, please don't feel too bad. This guy has commitment issues, and he totally gaslighted you.

    I mean come on, he goes from "he sees a bright future with you" to having sex and then immediately afterwards, announcing he doesn't want to date you again because you didn't thank him for dinner and the movies?

    I mean it's such a lame reason, it's almost laughable don't you think?

    So just laugh and chalk it up, seriously.

    I suspect you will encounter many men like him on your dating journey. If I have any advice, it's when a guy leads with "I see a bright future with you" on the first date, let it go in one ear and out the other. He's attracted to you and in fantasy mode.

    If you choose to have early sex (within three dates), try to not have any expectations. If he wants to move forward with you, and you want that as well, terrific, if not, then chalk it up to experience and carry on with head high.

    If you find you become too attached after sex, then wait a while before having sex.

    Chin up, okay? And good luck!!

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