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Thread: How should I proceed?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Really, really wise words.

    To assume the worst in others is not very nice. To put another (and yourself) under this level of scrutiny creates a needle too narrow to ever be threaded.
    Think `preemptive strike.
    Your means of trying to feel safe is to beat her to the punch. But the ways you go about it could create the very thing you fear. Failure.
    I understand anxiety. I've dealt with it my entire life. I might have been you in another life.

    An epiphany moment for me was when I realized my efforts were better spent learning to trust myself. It's exhausting trying to constantly focus on any perceived negative and from there come up with an exit plan.

    Really, dating should be fun. If it's not at least enjoyable then it's a sign to step back and reevaluate.

    What helped me in my anxiety dating days was a couple of things -
    To remind myself - it's just date. Not a marriage proposal. That's all. One day in my life. Live in that very moment and resist the temptation to forecast into the future.

    Manage my expectations because most people are not the One. And with each experience you can refine things and get that much closer to knowing exactly what you want. Consider it practice.

    Resist wondering if they are accepting you. You just do you and be on your best behavior. After all that's all you really can do. They either like the real you or not.

    Your focus should be on whether or not they are a worthy guest in your world. Pay attention to that.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by mrsin627

    To test the water, I asked if she was still available this weekend and wanted to grab sushi and I was surprised to hear yes and she helped me select the place and everything, but her communication frequency has dropped significantly since top golf.
    The best (and only way imo) to gauge a woman's interest level is if they're accepting your date invites. In this case, not only did she accept, she helped select the place!

    Forget about how often she texts, it means nothing! People get busy, don't have their phones with them, or simply dislike texting. It's not reflection on how they feel about you, in fact, I know women who love texting and will text guys they DON'T like ad nauseum, just for the attention!

    Focus on whether or not she accepts your dates and how she acts on the date.

    Originally Posted by mrsin627
    So after a couple days like that I decided I should address it and said "So I wanted to ask you something... You mentioned at trivia that I was your first date from match and that you've only been on a few dates since having your son and those times you realized that you weren't ready... I've dated other women who were trying to get back into dating and realized they weren't quite ready so it's something that I'm pretty guarded against... so I wanted to check in with you now that we've gone out a couple of times about how you're feeling and if you're really up for seeing each other again this weekend?" The goal was to give her an easy out...
    So you wanted to give her an easy "out"? Why? I could see if she had been flaking on your dates, acting disinterested, but she accepted your date invite, helped to pick out the place, what in the world made you think she could have possibly wanted an "out"?

    I dunno man, if I were out with a man, unless it was a love at first type thing, where the chemistry was off the charts, in which case you probably wouldn't have sent a text like that in the first place, your message would have caused me to take pause and decide whether or not I wanted to go out with you again.

    She responded politely and said she likes you but feels the chemistry if off. This isn't good, but you can turn it around if you can somehow tap into your male energy, behave in a confident manner, don't burden her with what amounts to your neurosis, and proceed forward with strength and purpose.

    Originally Posted by mrsin627
    ... show a little vulnerability of my own and would really like to prevent my dating anxiety from getting the best of me and just running away to prevent myself from getting hurt.
    I am all for a man showing vulnerability, in fact doing so will pull me closer to him, but NOT immediately after the first date! Again, unless there was a real connection made after that date, high chemistry, which is very very rare.

    In that case, a guy could basically do no wrong, but in this case, the date was fun but "tentative" but you've both decided to move forward to see where it leads. So showing such vulnerability probably wasn't the best move, but again you can turn it around by following what I advised above.

    Re getting hurt, well, that's a risk we all take when embarking on dating and relationships. And if/when it happens, we get up, shake that s*** off and carry on.

    If you're so afraid of getting hurt, to the point you're wearing your anxieties and insecurities on your sleeve so to speak, you really have no business dating in the first place.

  3. #13
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    Give her time to get to know you, OP - and time for you to get to know her, too.

    I think she felt a bit put on the spot when you asked her what was up. Neither of you knows yet if you're wasting your time, to be fair. How do you know you will like her enough to continue seeing her in a few weeks' time? I think your expectations are too high for a woman you've only just met.

    Take a step back and breathe. Have fun on your next date.

  4. #14
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    I think you should remember you are meeting a stranger when online dating. You are not finally getting a date with someone you have known for a long time and loved from afar. Do not kiss on the first date, and do not kiss on the second date if there is no positive physical contact .... leaning in, brushing your hand, voluntarily initiating a hug and not at "goodbye time". In fact, holding off till the 3rd or 4th or 5th is fine too. I would continue getting to know her,. Time will tell. assume there is interest if someone accepts a second and third date

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  6. #15
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    also, you have already "pegged her" - you have decided which narrow box she fits into -- the "just starting to date box" and you already made a judgement call

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