Advice on the ex

My boyfriend has been separated for 5 years. He was with his wife for 17 yrs. She is still very much a part of his family. Goes to his family events etc. I just can't get my head around this. My feelings are she should take a step back so me and boyfriend can go to these events and give me a chance to fit in with his family. Atm she goes or we go. My boyfriend also thinks this is fine that she goes and thinks even if I can't attend he should be able to go. I haven't met her yet and he does not want us to meet yet. Your thoughts please. We have been together 7 months.

Do they have kids together, and if so, are the kids at these events?

If not, then yes, I would feel it is inappropriate for his ex-wife to be attending family functions. If he insists on it and sees no issue with it, that would be my signal that this isn't the man for me. Being friendly with an ex is one thing; celebrating family events together if there are no kids involved? No, not for me.

Does she even know you exist, OP?

Kids are 15 and 17.

Yes she knows about me. And kids do go to the events

If there are kids involved, then I think you are going to have to recognize that her presence will always be a part of your relationship with him in one way or another.

I wouldn't try to intervene here and bar her (or him) from these events. She is their mom. As time goes on, and when your relationship becomes more serious, you might find that she is not as keen to be around his family as she is now anyway. After you meet her, it's possible it will all be more "real" for her too, and she steps backs on her own volition.

Personally, I would observe now. See if he makes steps to divorce (I am gathering they have not filed yet, correct?) and integrate you further into his life. See what he does on his own accord, too. If you reach the one-year mark, for example, and you don't see any progress in either direction, I would re-evaluate if this is really someone to commit to.

Having said all of that, if you are currently seriously uncomfortable with this and don't feel you can accept it, it would be wiser to walk away rather than insist on changing their dynamic. It won't be worth the hassle.

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated. A new situation for me. I was hoping to compromise and say I'm happy to attend together if she's there but didn't want him to attend with her there if I can't go. Especially when we haven't met. No divorce in near future because of cost apparently.

At 7 months in it’s probably too soon to introduce his kids to you.

Have you met them?

Ok 7 mos is a good time to determine if this situation is right for you. Do they still live together? They are still married so that tells you a lot about their dynamic. It seems they treat you like a fifth wheel in their marriage/relationship. Does she know about you or is this an affair?

My boyfriend has been separated for 5 years. My feelings are she should take a step back so me and boyfriend can go to these events and give me a chance to fit in with his family. We have been together 7 months.

Have had a lot to do with the kids we get on great

They have lived apart for 5 years

Have had a lot to do with the kids we get on great

They might be 15 and 17 now but they were 10 and 12 when their parents split.

That’s kind of important!

How many women has their father introduced to them in the past 5 years? That you know of?

He should not be introducing them to anyone unless he is sure about the person he is introducing them to. Which clearly he isn’t?

Why haven't they officially divorced in these 5 years? Did you meet the kids and are often with them? Do you live with him?

Divorce causes a lot of problems. And since he has kids with the woman and they are still like a part of the family, there's not much you can do about it.

Having been through a divorce and wrestled with the co-mingling aspect, I will share with you that it creates a lot of anxiety for the kids. Add in the fact that most relationships post divorce don't last. It's possible but the statistics are low. I didn't risk bring any one I dated around to family functions. Nor did I put any restraints on my partner doing the same.

I am going to guess that you don't have kids?

My ex brought his girl of the day to every function that included the kids and tried to play house with them in a lot of different ways. He's no longer with any of these women and my now adult sons look bad at those moments and shake their head at all the unnecessary drama.

Me - my mom was always my date to family functions.

You do what's right for the kids. They didn't ask to put in this situation.

If you are still together a year from now, that might be different. But at 7 months and a man with two teenagers, unless he's given you a reason to not trust him, you give him a wide birth to do what he feels he needs to for his kids.

Why hasn't he filed for divorce?

Are you the first woman he's dated since his "separation "?

 

No divorce in near future because of cost apparently.

Here is how I would interpret that if I were dating him.

IF he truly saw potential with me, something long term, someone to grow and evolve with, he'd find a way around that, if in fact that's truly what's going on.

It's a great way for a man to avoid commitment -- a ready-made built-in excuse, hoping whomever he's dating will buy it, and they can go along in this fun for now, non-committed relationship, and he comes out looking like a good guy who is a victim of circumstance (financially). Poor boy, ugh!

Still remaining married, is his "safe" zone. I mean unless his ex contests it, divorce is not all that expensive. And again if he considered you long term, he'd find a way, for sure. Especially after FIVE years separation, goodness gracious.

Guys like him will typically stay married, remaining in that safe zone, using this same excuse, until such time they do meet a woman who knocks his socks off, a woman he sees long term potential with, a woman to grow and evolve with, and then you better believe he'd find the money to file those papers!

Now, if you're not seeking a long term commitment, that's fine, continue forward, accepting the limitations.

But if you are seeking a commitment, something solid and long term, then I'd move on. He's not it, I'm sorry.

They haven't even pursued divorce--there's no way I'd involve myself in that. I'd tell BF that I adore him, and I can picture the two of us together in the future, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly one another. If he ever finishes his old business and is legally free and clear, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

There's no valid reason for dating while still legally tethered to someone else after 5 YEARS. Skip that. There's something going on there that I'd want no part of.

Here is how I would interpret that if I were dating him.

 

IF he truly saw potential with me, something long term, someone to grow and evolve with, he'd find a way around that, if in fact that's truly what's going on.

 

It's a great way for a man to avoid commitment -- a ready-made built-in excuse, hoping whomever he's dating will buy it, and they can go along in this fun for now, non-committed relationship, and he comes out looking like a good guy who is a victim of circumstance (financially). Poor boy, ugh!

 

Still remaining married, is his "safe" zone. I mean unless his ex contests it, divorce is not all that expensive. And again if he considered you long term, he'd find a way, for sure. Especially after FIVE years separation, goodness gracious.

 

Guys like him will typically stay married, remaining in that safe zone, using this same excuse, until such time they do meet a woman who knocks his socks off, a woman he sees long term potential with, a woman to grow and evolve with, and then you better believe he'd find the money to file those papers!

 

Now, if you're not seeking a long term commitment, that's fine, continue forward, accepting the limitations.

 

But if you are seeking a commitment, something solid and long term, then I'd move on. He's not it, I'm sorry.

I have to agree with you. I know that my parents' divorce is probably an exception to the rule as everything was very civil and simple: my mom got the house and payed my father half of its value (it was in both name) and my father got the car. I was young but I don't remember huge costs of divorce. Actually in my country I never heard of these super costly divorces where the man loses half of his fortune or more I usually hear about on US and etc. I know that there are divorces that pan out for a long time and cost a lot because people disagree in the division of assets or try to make it hard on purpose as a revenge. But if him and his "ex" are so friendly/in good terms and seem to have good co-parenting agreements, I don't see how a divorce after 5 years would be so hard and costly being that they are friendly and don't even live together anymore. I also don't buy this and see this as an excuse to avoid commitment.

Does he intend to marry you in the future? And even if he didn't want to marry again and you were ok with it, is his plan living with you until the rest of your days never ever divorcing her? Seems BS to me. This doesn't mean that he's in a relationship with her, given that according to you she knows of your existence, however, his unwillingness to divorce in 5 years is a big red flag for me and more problematic than she attending family events. I usually avoid "separated" men as the devil runs from the cross but even if you don't, men who don't want to divorce their wives should be a dealbreaker if you want a long term committed relationship.

PS: I missed that it is a recent relationship with just 7 months, but my opinion about him not wanting to divorce her and the consequences for this relationship is still the same. Him not taking you to family functions is normal at such an early point of your relationship (even more if he doesn't see long term commitment, as he doesn't even want to divorce his wife). As to meeting his children or going to family functions there's not much you should do or should be demanding at such early state of the relationship when it comes to you and his children or him and his family.