She's busy don't spend much time together, but words/actions are affectionate

Been dating a woman for 6 months and things have been going really well (we are both 60). Lots of similar interests, same values.

We've gotten very close in fact just came back from a weeks vacation together that went very well.

However, something is nagging at me. We both have full-time jobs and she is VERY busy with friends, dancing (her hobby 4-6 days a week). She also travels a bit with her friends and spends time at her parents several hours away.

On a given week, it seems our dates always come last in her planning. We done some day trips, dinners, hikes, but I always feel like she is squeezing me into her schedule. This week I've seen her for only a couple hours, normally driving to her house 30 minutes away for a couple hour visit before she heads off to dance or something. Normally I'd think she isn't that into me, I believe as people get closer they spend more time together. Certainly don't want to be attached at the hip, I have my own interests, but this just feels wrong.

Now here is the rub...she is affectionate, likes to talk about planning our long term relationship, in short talks a good game. She has talked in the past about fighting not wanting to be vulnerable, but this feels different.

My assessment at this point is that it seems she enjoys having me as her boyfriend in "concept" but isn't willing to put forth the full commitment in reality. Either she's a bit wacky or she really is having trouble moving to the next level. Thoughts.

You could have just described me or any one of my friends.

We've been married, raised kids, worked hard at recovering and landing on our feet. We spent a lifetime nurturing others and became self less.

This round comes full circle. We've learned that our needs count and we often times overreach. We've cultivated a life for ourselves and now coming back around that curve still have the desire for a relationship. . But we don't always know the right formula to have everything we want.

It takes a little tweeking.

Men I've dated have commented on how I could possibly have room for them. I hear that. I get it. And I adjust.

My advise is to open a discussion about it. Not in a defensive way but more of a collaborative way.

How can you two make the best of the time together and see that everyone gets their needs met?

Because this needs to work for you too.

If it feels wrong, it's not right.

Her actions don't match her words.

She's not serious enough with you to commit to a long term relationship. Ask yourself how much longer you can continue at this rate and then make a decision whether or not she's worth dating when time permits.

If you weren't making efforts to see her, would she contact you?

While I agree with Reinvent; maybe she doesn't realize how bad the situation is, for you and for cultivating a relationship, I'm leaning more in the direction of really just not that into you. Maybe she's too wrapped up in "me time" after years of putting her own desires on the back burner to care for and nurture other people, and she's not willing to make any changes to that. Maybe she needs to find a balance...maybe she needs a "heads up."

However, I think that you need to make a decision whether or not her busy life is going to work for you. How long are you going to wait for her to make you a priority and nurture the long-term relationship she speaks of? When will it be right for her? It's a difficult choice. You keep thinking soon, "after." After the holidays, after the work busy season, after the class ends...after. When will that be? When will "after" be? A discussion is worth having if you haven't already, again considering she may not realize how bad it is. Offer a chance to fix it. No ultimatums, just let her know how you feel. Unfortunately, especially if she isn't making any efforts to see you, she's probably not going to change anything. She'll be happy to have you around when she has some free time. If you didn't contact her, would you hear from her? Would you just fade into the background?

Thank you all for you guidance and support.

Take up dancing.

I think you need to be more clear with yourself about what it is that you want from her. Do you want longer dates? Do you want to spend more time together, if so how much more time? What do you actually want happening here. If dancing is such a huge passion and huge part of her life, have you thought about joining her? Have you talked about it?

I'm really not sure if you have something concrete or if this is more just some deeper resentment that she has a more fulfilling life than you.

Some couples see each other once a week, but two hours is not enough time.

Find another woman who falls in love with you (it's been six months, that's plenty of time).

More great help. I already have been learning to dance.

Given your advice I can make the assumption she really isn't that into me or she has some form of commitment phobia (she has on multiple occasions early on said she was worried about being totally vulnerable -- even mentioning she saw her therapist and that was one of the things they talked about)

My current plan is to let it play out for a couple weeks and then sit her down for a talk, posing the question will be important " I have this feeling you are holding back on moving forward on our relationship, is it that your interest in me has faded or are you holding back for some reason"

Dime store psychology would say why in the world when we went away for 8 days did we have the time of our life (vacation is to some degree a fantasy) and then we are back to reality and she starts to hold back. That screams unable to commit to me. We will see.

Thanks again for the support.

This is a common theme for people of a certain age particularly if they as reinvent says they spent a lifetime taking care of others. I met so many people that just crammed their lives with hobbies and activities and had no time to really date.

For awhile I did the same thing...

It took me awhile to realize that if I wanted a serious relationship I needed to be willing to compromise to a degree and make more time in my schedule for him.

She may just not be ready for anything serious... fun vacation not withstanding if she won’t make time for you guys then she probably isn’t that interested.

Agreed, fun vacation...but we were really discussing things like LTR, where we might want to travel next, where we might want to settle down or relocate. Like night and day. From heading to love on vacation, entering the friend zone once we were back, very very strange.

you have only dated 6 months and this is a 60 year old woman with a full life. it would be disturbing if she dropped everything for you. I think that you should a)take up dancing b) have your own hobbies and friends c) plan a day trip or another vacation. you are not in the friendzone. Why not take some dance lessons and go out at least once a week involving dancing and the other date is not dancing. My aunt who is older than that and was widowed had a full life a) looking in on a 95 year old uncle every day or every other b) her adult child and family c) card game once a week d) volunteering at the hospital e) seeing her parents d) having a part time job e) going out with girlfriends. Her now-husband started playing cards with her and helping out with the uncle. Now that they are married, he sees his sister without her every week and goes on trips with his son without her and now obviously they are with eachother daily because they live together married.

Not implying she would drop everything for me. I have plenty of interests, but you need to spend time together to grow a relationship, right? Its lik night and day, when we are together on vacation or a long date the world stops for both of us. Then it seems when reality sets in she pulls back. That is what has me puzzled.

This is what has my head spinning, text message this AM..

"Morning sweetheart, I’m ever so grateful for you in my life."

Just makes me completely confused. Words don't match actions.

Vacation is vacation. Vacation's very design is to schedule out a slice away from reality. Of course it's fun. Of course it's romantic. Of course there's a lot of fantasy. Same thing with the long dates.

And then you get home.

And then there's the laundry. The bills. The dancing. The friends. The job. The dry cleaning. The grocery shopping. The dinners, the drinks, and the baby showers.

You and Ms. Wonderful could retire to your dream location of bliss and everloving fantasy, and I guarantee you, within a matter of six months, your GF will be climbing the walls and fully itching herself back to her busy lifestyle and her dancing and dancing classes, friends who share her joys, volunteer, a job, and activities.

I think it's great you are learning skills in order to spend time with her...will it last? How long before you ditch it all because it's just not your thing? You shouldn't have to pretzel yourself into her lifestyle. I mean, I'm game to go camping once in awhile, but I promise you, it didn't take long for me to tell my BF and eventual husband to go have fun with it; I'll stay home with electricity and plumbing or you can rent me a cabin with cable and you do do your thing in the dirt. If he was gone every single weekend on these excursions while dating, we never would have lasted.

Is your GF doing anything to incorporate your hobbies into her life in order to spend time with you?

It's easy to "say the say" and "think the think" on vacation, or all-day getaways, and then you get home and what happens? She's back to her vast social life and activities. If you can meet a middle ground, great, but you, OP, should not be putting these vacation-heart-and-flower-discussions in the bank...they're not real. They are not how she wants to live right now.

It actually makes sense to me that after a week vacation together, she is enjoying more space from you right now.

And for her, this may be just right. She may genuinely being feeling very lucky to have you and grateful for you !!

At 6 months with my partner, the pace you describe was just right for me. Bliss!!

He wanted a bit more, and he was honest with me about it. It was worth it to me at that time to stretch a bit out of my comfort zone so both are needs got met. We've been together almost four years now, and I still need more time to my self than he does. It works because we talk about what we need and both try to make sure neither of us feel like we are giving up something we want to be together.

What would you need at this point to feel like you are a priority and to feel you are moving at a pace that meets your needs?

More great help. I already have been learning to dance.

 

Given your advice I can make the assumption she really isn't that into me or she has some form of commitment phobia (she has on multiple occasions early on said she was worried about being totally vulnerable -- even mentioning she saw her therapist and that was one of the things they talked about)

 

My current plan is to let it play out for a couple weeks and then sit her down for a talk, posing the question will be important " I have this feeling you are holding back on moving forward on our relationship, is it that your interest in me has faded or are you holding back for some reason"

 

Dime store psychology would say why in the world when we went away for 8 days did we have the time of our life (vacation is to some degree a fantasy) and then we are back to reality and she starts to hold back. That screams unable to commit to me. We will see.

 

Thanks again for the support.

I think your talk would be better received if you come from a place about what you want and how you feeling about wanting a little more.

The words you just used are 'her' focused and come across as a criticism of sorts and in turn can make her feel defensive.

Sprinkled throughout this - and beginning with you wondering if she was just 'wakky' and arm chair psychology remarks about her commitment and possible relationship issues.

I just caution you from viewing this as something wrong with her. This could nothing more than a difference and because shes not meeting your needs doesn't mean somethings wrong with her.

Tell her what you need. If everything she says is true she'll want to work on a compromise with you.

But for now, squash the ' there must be something wrong her' thoughts.

This is what has my head spinning, text message this AM..

 

"Morning sweetheart, I’m ever so grateful for you in my life."

 

Just makes me completely confused. Words don't match actions.

Yes, words DO match her actions. She went away with you after only dating 6 months. She goes on dates with you. You will gradually be more integrated into her day to day but the relationship is far too new for that. What do you want??

I think this just shakes my confidence, 10 years past divorce and 30 years since I've dated, need to chill and get some perspective.

Thank you all for your input.