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Thread: Feelings for a long-term friend

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    Feelings for a long-term friend

    A close, long-term straight friend has had a brutal 18 months, with the sudden death of her male partner last year and then her mother a few months ago. When her mother died she wrote a lot about how she felt. I (a lesbian) felt extremely protective towards her and wanted to see her immediately. The strength of these feelings took me back and I realized that part of me is in love with her . . . or I love her deeply. She has a few health issues and so we've not seen each other yet until her energy returns, but have communicated via email and text and plan to meet up next month. I'm not sure what to do. At the moment I am single and so feel that I shouldn't see her for a while without telling her why, but continue to be a very supportive friend via email. What are people's thoughts? Telling her how I feel isn't an option because I risk ruining or ending our friendship. Thank you in advance.

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    You know she is straight and does she know you are lesbian? Don't use her grief and vulnerability to try to make a pass at her. Date outside of this friendship.
    Originally Posted by Girlindigo
    A close, long-term straight friend has had a brutal 18 months, with the sudden death of her male partner last yearI (a lesbian).I realized that part of me is in love with her . . . or I love her deeply.

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    Well, if she is straight then I'm afraid there is really no chance for you with her. Normally if I have feelings for someone, it helps me to tell the person how I feel, get rejected, and then move on. But the trouble is that it sounds like you have a really close friendship and she is not even gay, so do you think it could make things awkward if you tell her how you feel? I understand that it's hard to control your feelings and they just happen out of the blue, but I think if maybe you try to channel your interest to other women, it might help. Have you tried online dating or GLBTIQ events to meet women/friends? I think it's nice that you've really been there for your friend but you don't have to dedicate ALL your time to her. You still have a life outside of her and you have other avenues to meet women who would also be interested in women. This friend is straight so it's a dead end as far as anything romantic goes.

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    If you are a true friend, it good and right to love your friend platonically and want to support her, but if you have romantic feelings you should not express them and you should keep your distance. She is vulnerable right now -- don't do that to her

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    Yes, it would make things awkward. Also, this time is about her. Not about me. I don't want to be introducing something else into the agenda while she's dealing with everything she's dealing with. But I agree, I need to move my focus. I guess she was there for me so much when my mother was a serious alcoholic, among other things. Yes, I'm trying to date :) Thanks!

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If you are a true friend, it good and right to love your friend platonically and want to support her, but if you have romantic feelings you should not express them and you should keep your distance. She is vulnerable right now -- don't do that to her
    Yes, I totally agree. It would just be plain wrong. I am right to keep my distance. Thanks for your thoughts.

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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well, if she is straight then I'm afraid there is really no chance for you with her. Normally if I have feelings for someone, it helps me to tell the person how I feel, get rejected, and then move on. But the trouble is that it sounds like you have a really close friendship and she is not even gay, so do you think it could make things awkward if you tell her how you feel? I understand that it's hard to control your feelings and they just happen out of the blue, but I think if maybe you try to channel your interest to other women, it might help. Have you tried online dating or GLBTIQ events to meet women/friends? I think it's nice that you've really been there for your friend but you don't have to dedicate ALL your time to her. You still have a life outside of her and you have other avenues to meet women who would also be interested in women. This friend is straight so it's a dead end as far as anything romantic goes.
    I agree. Thanks for posting this. You're right - it would be the wrong thing to do. I need to keep my distance and get over it, or begin dating again. Thank you.


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