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Thread: GF is making me anxious, what is the next step?

  1. #1

    GF is making me anxious, what is the next step?

    Hello! Just try to see what options I can take with my GF.

    Right now we have been together for more than a year now.
    We are living together at my place, and recently I just feel mistreated and anxious now when I am near her.

    Reasons why:
    1. Issue: She wants me to adapt to her method of housework (which I am more messy/clutter type and clean once a week) she wants the place to be near speck clean and sighs or raises her voice at me when I misplace a toothpaste.

    Answer: She thinks I don't clean up after myself and which I do at my pace, not hers but it is getting to a point where I am paranoid if I misplaced a remote now.

    2. I pay the majority of rent, to put in %, I pay 91% while she pays 9% (though given I make more) and we promised to split later down the line about 65% to 35%, that agreement was overdue 5 months ago.

    Answer: She is in debt and I agreed for her to pay some off to pay rent later, idk how that is going honestly. I bring it from time to time but she says, you are basically paying your rent as if I am not here.

    3. The apartment is moved in with all her items and decoration, mine had to be put away and now I am left with one side of the closet for mine while nearly all the desk/other 2 closets and area are filled with hers

    Answer: I am a nerd, I collect nerd and had it decorated as I wanted. She was accepting at first but now she doesn't want much if not all outside and eggs me to put them in a storage.

    4. Majority of the time I pay for meals for the both of us.

    Answer: It gets expensive, I understand that maybe cause I get more pay that I may have to pay, but sometimes it is too expected and she gives a subtle attitude like why are you struggling with your finance? She apparently had a bad relationship with her ex that traumatized her when they had to go 50/50 for everything she told me about this and I didn't mind it at first But this is crippling my finance, I am not expecting 50/50 but some help from time to time or some gesture, if I don't ask her to pay then it ends up being me.

    5. She says "we should clean/buy/move" but usually it ends up being most of the time me.

    Answer: pretty straightforward she say we, but it becomes me. She makes a mess and I clean up after her in the past.

    6. She has depression and when she does have an episode, she says things that are hurtful ex:you should find yourself a new gf that is more suitable to you)

    Answer: Sometimes this is hard to deal with, I tried different approaches and insure that I care for her or give another perspective in life but she is still the same.

    7. We bicker/argue nearly 4 times a week average about reasons 2, 4,5 mainly.

    Answer: This part stresses me out, I personally don't like conflicts but this happens for some small reason and really ruins the day.

    8. If I fail at some expectations of hers then she gets mad/sarcastic/or sad ex: I don't kiss her goodnight, she gets angry or says like you don't love me

    Answer: It feels like I have to be robotic and remember the routines that she expects to make sure that she is happy and not angry.

    Now recently I believe these are getting worse, I tried to confront her and be blunt about how I feel (been addressing the 8 reasons to her). I am a person that doesn't want to
    repeat myself over and over but here I am in this relationship where there is little to no progress but what I see.

    Some topics of what I've said to her:

    1. Sure I need to clean up and be more tidy but not at her pace.

    Her Answer: You need to learn how to clean up after yourself and I don't want the place cluttered

    2. I feel sometimes that I contribute more to the relationship than her financially and it is taking a toll on my finance

    Her Answer: she takes this to great offense and say that who takes care your health? (honestly she tells me to the doctors all the time)

    3. I feel that we fighting a lot and why is that?

    Her Answer: If you think we are fighting a lot, then why don't you break up with me then?

    My patience is worn out and it is getting hard to fight with her or appease to her anymore. What can be done from this point if being honest to her about these problems are not getting any better? When I am honest with her of how I feel in this relationship, she replies back in anger mainly.

    Any advise or thoughts from any others would be great

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    I can't help, in reading all this, to see a pretty classic case of two people who moved in together too quickly, without quite knowing the person they were moving in with. Not sure how long you were dating before cohabitation, but do some rudimentary math from your timeline (dating around a year, she's already 5 months late on the 65/35 rental agreement) it sounds like it was lightening fast.

    So, what can be done at this point? My honest answer is to end the relationship. You've been together for a year now, and it kind of sounds like majority of that time has been spent watching things deteriorate.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Well.....she is really giving you some good, honest advice - you really do need to find yourself a better gf.

    What you are describing isn't a relationship, but a complete nightmare. It does really sound like you two rushed to move in without knowing what you are both getting into. She has taken over your life without any consideration for you, your needs, your stuff, etc. That's not how cohabitation works. You are literally paying for everything while she does nothing but attack you and belittle you. Why do you think you keep putting up with it and please don't give the easy out excuse of "but I love her". This isn't what healthy love looks like, although it is a lot what servitude to a tyrant looks like.

    When you get to the point where your relationship and even being in the same room with your gf gives you anxiety....it's time to call it quits, don't you think?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Your home should be the safest, securest place you can go to. Instead you go home to misery.

    I get she makes it difficult for you to address your concerns with her, but apparently it works. It keeps you in check, walking on eggshells and she gets it her way. How's that working for you?

    I agree, you moved in with her before you really knew her. Had you taken this last year to discover these things about her , I'll bet you would have thought twice about moving in.


  6. #5
    All of you are right, definitely it was very hasty moving in with her. There were some reasons but foolish ones as well. And I won't be giving the "but I love her" excuse at all at this point. I think the love that was once there is gone and I was hoping that she would change later but she isn't budging. definitely this home doesn't feel like home anymore. I thank everyone for their honesty :) I believe I know what to do here.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Call her on it and break up. Make her eat her words.

    Both of you are incompatible.

    I married a neat person who likes a clean, decluttered house. I am the same. We're agreeable regarding our finances. Both of us make the concerted effort to make it work. This is what harmony is. Be evenly yoked. Both you should be similar with your daily lifestyle and if not, the relationship will fail miserably.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Get her out. This sounds unfair and miserable. You are not compatible. Time to get a backbone, dude!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    All that conflict can definitely kill whatever infatuation was there in the beginning. Make plans to move out your separate ways. It's just not working and you both know it. Be kind, be firm, but don't just coast along with this much resentment.
    Originally Posted by serverwalker
    I think the love that was once there is gone and I was hoping that she would change later but she isn't budging. definitely this home doesn't feel like home anymore. I thank everyone for their honesty :) I believe I know what to do here.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    If she moved into your place, she has no right to dictate that your furniture and decor must go. you are paying 91% of the rent, so its your say, not hers. She likes to clean? Great. So let her make the kitchen spotless and leave your crap alone. Honestly, i would have dumped her instead of inviting her to move in. You shouldn't be so messy, but its your apartment.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    You could always tell her that it's 91+% your place and you'll treat it as such. She doesn't get a say on how you clean decorate etc.

    See if you're compatible when she's not getting her way and running all over you.

    But as the others have stated it just sounds like a case of incompatibility.

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