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Thread: Trust issues, long distance relationship, she just isnt that into me

  1. #1
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    Trust issues, long distance relationship, she just isnt that into me

    First post. Im relatively young (22) and new to relationships, and read a lot here on the forums. I'm an attractive guy and am on my way to an awesome career with a support system of friends and family. One thing i lack on is relationships though, and i just got out of my first one. Recently i had met a girl who made me want to end my sleeping around days and commit to her. But a plethora of issues came up that I'm trying to resolve and would like some fellow enotalone guidance and advice about my situation.

    This is a long post but with cliffs at the end:

    Met this girl at a party, we hooked up that night. Both virgins, and she gave me a bj and i ate her out. Her bj sucked and i figured wow here is a girl who was saving herself and doesn’t fool around like the rest.

    We kept in touch and met up a few times over the summer. We lost it together and i caught feels and asked her for a relationship. At first she was hesitant and said she wasn’t ready. But then she spent a night with two guys and a girl doing shrooomies and spent the night with them. I got kinda jealous and let her know i didn’t like the thought of her spending nights with guys and a girl. She said nothing happened, but if i wanted to be exclusive we will be exclusive, yet she wouldn’t stop seeing her friends. I was hyped, and since she had called me that night i figured nothing really did happen between them.

    She was just starting college after transferring and i let her know she would be experiencing many new things, and i would just like her to be honest and up front with me if anything ever happened (like if mistakes were made, she fooled around, etc). From the get go, i had a hard time trusting her because she didn’t want a relationship after losing her virginity with me, and so i felt like a stepping stone to her wanting to sleep around.


    I kept my feelings at bay with some distance and enjoying my own life as our relationship developed. 4 months in, we met up for new years and her birthday, and she introduced me to her family and friends. In that time she said I love you, and i said it back hesitantly saying that I was still developing feels for her. In fact, i just still hadn’t developed my full trust in her. Something occurred which gave me an adverse reaction which was that she received two texts from guys on her bday: she said both were friends and i come to find out through her that one was interested in her earlier in her life, and the other was her ex. These messages I got to read and see, however she had deleted all convos with them from before. In fact, she deletes convos with everyone besides the most important people in her life (according to her), and she showed me her phone and it all checked out. I found it incredibly odd still and this exacerbated my trust issues.

    Moreover, she had gone on a trip with her girlfriends beforehand to hawaii, over which the communication was splendid, but she asked me a weird question: “ would you rather get emotionally cheated on or physically cheated on?” to which i kinda blew and laughed it off. But it made me incredibly uneasy.

    So now 3 months in im dating a girl i still don’t fully trust yet, long distance, where i’ve met her family and friends and who says she loves me. Im feeling good about developing the relationship so i ask her to set up dates for the next term for both of us to see each other: once a month. She doesn’t like the idea saying she doesn’t have the money and doesn’t know what her schedule will be like, and asks for space, or that i buy her her tickets. i declined and i tried my hardest to give her space without being clingy. Things are going good so two weeks later she tells me she is ready to set up dates. So we set them up.

    The first visit was planned to be a few weeks away. In this time we are texting good morning and good night, and talking whenever we are both free. Twice, she actually fell asleep during texting conversations (early in the nights), to which i didn’t trip out. But then she would wake up late into the night and say “oh i fell asleep, but good night”. I found this incredibly odd, and would get accusational saying that i don’t believe she was actually sleeping because when i sleep, i sleep for the whole night.

    This stressed her out incredibly, and our relationship became rocky. This is where things began going downhill. During a tense week after the first occurrence, she messaged me saying she was going to a concert with a guy friend who invited her. I never met the dude and told her that it was weird she was doing “couple things” without me. And she said she wasn’t attracted to the dude, and i asked one of our mutual friends, and she confirmed my girl wouldn’t ever harbor romantic feelings towards the other guy. Still, i was curious why she wouldn’t engage me before making plans. So i trusted her less.

    The second occurrence happened where she fell asleep on me, and i kinda laughed it off like “oh you did it again, im not going down on you when i visit” she woke up in the morning and freaked out, and almost broke up with me saying that this was a symptom of an underlying problem. I told her to chill and it was a joke and i was just messing around, and still developing trust in her even though her behaviors were kind of inconsistent. Anyways, i talked her into the visit and we had a great time.

    Things were good but only lasted a week before i started asking questions and stuff about her and other people.. This happened because 1) she had new sex moves in the bedroom, a reverse cowgirl position i have never seen and 2) she cried one time while eating her out, saying that other guys were not like me. This kept playing in my mind and i assumed that she must be experimenting. I told her that i appreciated honesty more than anything, and she denied any other guy being involved.

    So ok the week leading up to our breakup, she messaged me saying she is going to a lingerie party. I thought this was too much, asked her to open the relationship up, and told her i didn’t feel like she respected what we had. I got kinda bitter at her especially for agreeing to open up the relationship, and we had a fight. After talking it out she asked for space telling me i could see other people, and she would decide if she wanted to be with me. I asked her if she would see other people and she said probably not. I told her i would be attending therapy to work through my issues because i really loved her. To which she didn’t reply and said she would just think about if she still wants to be with me.

    So i broke up with her over text, because her asking for space lined up nicely with the lingerie party. And i did it in a harsh way really. She replied to me super composed, saying i was hurting her while in the relationship with her. I apologized and took responsibility for my side of things and left it at that.

    I started messaging her again throughout the next month, telling her why i hurt her (trust issues, and insecurities) and also keeping things light hearted. She called me up one time and asked for a closure talk so i gave it to her and she was crying the whole time, but i reengaged her through humor and keeping things light hearted and hearing her out.

    I then convinced her to let us meet up again and put it all behind us. We met up again and had a great time. During one our hook up sessions she cried saying there wasn’t another guy and she hasn’t been with anyone, etc and we had a bunch of good things going. I believe her whenever i am with her, but i still doubt her when im not there because she doesn’t put the time into the relationship like i do.

    I asked her if there wasn’t another dude, why didn’t she just want to continue our relationship. She said she didn’t want my controlling behaviors and that she couldn’t handle my aggressive/confrontational manners. Every time we see each other we have a great time, but when we’re apart my anxiety and trust issues spark up and i look for her for reassurance and support. And she cant handle that.

    So it happened again after we hooked up the last time. I told her about my trust issues and accusations being a learned behavior from my parents (my mom is always accusing my dad) And then she said she needed space again, and may never talk to me again. So she blocked me on everything, but i figured she would be back. I got her to unblock me through venmo, and then told her to talk to me, because i was planning my next few weekends and i wanted to fit her in there. i told her that she obviously still likes me and i like her, and that we should just meet up once a month and then se can go back to blocking me so she doesn’t have to deal with my issues when we are apart. She said that was too complicated and all I said was “ok take your time, i believe you’ll come around, so let me know if things changed”

    Things did in fact change, and she hit me up a week later saying how much she missed me, that she loved me, but it was emotionally damaging to be in a relationship with her. She also said her friends were telling her we had a healthy relationship, and she wanted us to see each other once more but stop talking after that.

    I told her she had a change of heart, and im down with seeing her again but i want full confidentiality if she had been with anyone else in this time. I don’t care but i just wanted to know the truth. To this, i was kind of aggressive because of how inconsistent she had been about her feelings and asking for space, and she said no there wasn’t anyone she had been with in the interlude. I told her that whenever a girl asks for space it means the relationship is over and there is usually another guy, and i understand that and i just want the truth. She denied it again, and we had a conversation for 3 hours where she was crying a lot but then it became light hearted and she said she saw a future with me, yada yada, but i was too emotionally exhausting to keep up with over distance.

    The next day she asked me if i was buying a ticket: i told her i can live without seeing her given that we wouldn’t be talking to each other after that, and that ive been consistent in everything i have told her and my actions, even my trust issues, and she had been flopping bak and forth. I told her that was a big reason i have trouble trusting that she won’t flake on me, so that i would wait until she was sure she wanted to see me. I told her i would always be there for her, even though i felt like she hasn’t been there for me, and to let me know when she is for sure about seeing me and ill come. But then i was like what the hell, ill just go and talk to her in person, so i bought her ticket and told her. She said that after out talk, she realized she hadn't been consistent, and she realized that to be consistent she would go back to not talking to me and moving on with life. That really hurt, but then we both agreed that perhaps seeing each other wasn't the best idea.

    She said that it was over then, and that she will try being consistent and move on with life. She appreciated our connection and a lot of things about us but it was too much emotional damage being together. I told her we both couldn’t handle this and she should begin seeing a therapist like me. And she agreed and set up an appointment. So i am blocked again really hoping we have a future together. She called me up referencing the line "if you love someone let them go", so i let her go..

    The last contact I had with her was reaching out to her on whatsapp 6 weeks later -as i saw her contact there incidentally while working on my online business- a few days after my birthday. I said "wow stranger, not even a bday text? I wanted to invite you to my formal.." As she always wanted to come to me to my college formal. She read my message then blocked me.

    So i went through and blocked her back on everything she had me blocked on, and went to vegas with my friends and had a weekend where i didnt think about her at all. When i came back, i kind of stalked the blocked accounts and saw how she changed her instagram status to "do not disturb mode", and cleaned up her instagram following ratio, and posted a new photo which i cant see because of her being on private.. These may or may not have anything to do with me blocking her, i do not know.

    It has been a few days and I am officially on no contact, but still resolving what went wrong in the relationship, so I can grow and learn. My emotions had settled, yet came back after i got blocked after that last message. My self-esteem is shot but im working solely on myself and for myself to continue growing and maturing.

    Any advice and insight into my relationship would be appreciated..

    What do y'all think?

  2. #2
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    Cliffs:

    Im left wondering if im a fool because everyone has been saying that space means that theres another dude. I believe it myself and it checks out with people in my life i have talked to, and am left wondering if she just didn’t have the balls to tell me. Or that this was an exceptional case (perhaps she wanted to see what was out there, but just didnt find anyone or have anyone specific in mind), and i was wrong on this one and my trust issues ended the relationship.

    at the end of the day it was hard on both of us, and the distance made it harder, and we couldn’t handle it. So its best we both move on. I am sure we will perhaps reengage in the future. Ive been seeing other girls and she knows this, and i don’t know what she will be up to. I don’t know if i would trust her if she said she hadn’t been with anyone again, or that if she was lying throughout our relationship and was sleeping around but wanted to spare my feelings. she know i have been cheated on before, and i told her im already slightly jaded but she is different from the rest and i need to develop trust in her over time.

    Cliffs:
    -long distance relationship, we lost our virginities together. I pushed for exclusivity and she was hesitant at first, but eventually agreed
    - she spends a time with guy friends, and still talks to her ex and past flings occasionally.
    - She asked for space twice, and would do things that i felt like disrespected our relationship: lingerie party, and going to a concert with her guy friend who i didn’t know, asking me to buy her plane tickets when i was trying to keep finances even between us.. Both times she made the decision to do these without accounting for my feelings, and told me about her decision after the fact.
    - i break up with her over text, as she asks for space coincidentally at the same time the lingerie party was happening, and start seeing a therapist about how i react to feelings of disrespect and distrust ( i get kind of angry and aggressive)
    - i take responsibility with my side of things that went wrong in the relationship, and reengage her. We meet up again hook up and have fun
    - she denies there ever being with another guy, or seeing anyone else since the breakup. While, i have hooked up with a few girls and told her about this
    - I tell her about why my trust issues and jealous accusations occur, and that i am working through them. She says she cant handle them, so she wants to be friends with benefits at most. But we both have feelings for each other
    - I tell her i cant live with that, and ive been consistent about my feelings and desires. She says then she will move on with life, even though she will have a lot of trouble from contacting me. She blocks me from everything.

    Some added info:
    I've fooled around with a ton of girls, but never really cuffed one. Was raised religious but broke out of my shell because i wanted to date and have my fun; would hook up with girls but kept my virginity and only kept things at third base for all of them. Found a genuine good girl who has only made out with a few people and done nothing more than second base with any of them. I instantly wanted to cuff, classic case of oneities, but i guess i became overbearing trying to influence her to see things the way i see it: have sex with someone you are committed to and try your hardest to make things work for them. I caught big feels but didn't fully trust her from the get go based on her value system and lifestyle, yet still we exchanged virginities. She fell in love but started asking for space and this freaked me out and killed our relationship.



    My closing thoughts are this: She seems like a genuine girl, and i have issues to work through. I believe that we will cross paths again. Perhaps when we are closer to each other in a few months time. Do y'all think if its possible to build up a new relationship again or will the past conflicts destroy us. Ive been putting in massive work on my own emotional limitations and believe i still have a lot of work to do but will continue doing so. Just need some love and guidance to be honest. I've been frustrated over this girl, and this frustration turned into a disturbance towards the end of our relationship. I'm keeping my mind off things and building my life up, but i felt like she was the one and she felt the same way.

    Any advice, personal stories, and insights would be splendid. Thanks

  3. #3
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
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    There were mistakes on both sides, but my ultimate conclusion is that you two were just not compatible for a long-distance relationship. You can't help but suspect she cheats when there isn't much to point to that, and she doesn't have the energy to deal with your crap, which is fine.
    Knowing how you would react is a good enough reason sometimes for your partner to not tell you about plans they make with other males. Maybe she just didn't want to put up with a possible scene from you over something she knew shouldn't be an issue. I don't think she really must tell you whenever she does anything. Not wise to start every thought process assuming that it's more likely she's lying than not, but I guess that's what trust issues do.
    When it comes to the falling asleep while texting part, I'm just like.. really? This happens to most people. Most people wake up during the night, too. I'm also someone that doesn't, but I've met so many people that do. Don't get suspicious about that, please, it's tension where it really doesn't need to be.

    No, 'needing space' doesn't necessarily mean there was another dude. More likely, it just means she doesn't want to put up with how exhausting you are anymore. I'm not convinced she was cheating, but rather probably just scared of too much drama between you. Perhaps she realized she would just be better off without it. Kept blocking you everywhere, which in my impression is striving for a permanent separation, or at least a total one for the time being - she was so tired of you, so often. I don't believe in blame; you're just not good for each other, objectively there are too many differences in what each of you wants.

    My thoughts on this are that you shouldn't keep hoping to get back together once 'your issues' are solved. Move on, go grow, build a relationship without so much constant tension. Best of luck! ♥

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    Hi Dima, wow thank you so much for the advice. See i posted in a male chatroom and got some similar advice but coming from you it really puts things in perspective. I can finally admit that my trust issues are a huge problem, and long distance really was not an ideal situation for me despite how much love we may have for each other.

    I agree the drama was exhausting, and so I totally understand her needing space and all that now. It is good to know that these issues were all in my hands and I can effectively deal with them for my next relationship, with her or not. I am actually a relatively jealous free person, but when it comes to doing things with other males my boundaries revolve around at least knowing who they are so i can make a judgement on their character myself. I think that is fair, but almost impossible to achieve in a long distance relationship. Thing between us, I was always effectively able to communicate with her whenever she had worries and fears, or wanted to discuss red flags with me. In fact I believe I did a lot of the talking during our relationship and I truly wish I encouraged her to talk more and find out more about her while taking an "innocent until proven guilty" approach like you hint at.

    My emotions were on over drive after meeting her family and friends because after meeting them i really wanted to get serious with her; so while having love for her but not understanding that I could actually trust her i went haywire. Now that the (relation)ship has sailed, it sucks to know that by taking time for myself I wouldnt have i pushed her so far.. But I do know the changes i need to make in myself.

    My only point of contention is the moving on with other people part. I am moving on, and i am not lingering hope on her coming back. I will continue working on myself and doing me until I meet the next one. I do have a gut feeling that she only seeked a total separation for the time being. Alas, only time will tell. We grew a lot with each other, and I do personally think our time was cut short to a degree.

    What do you, and others, think about the crying while I was going down on her? That just seems plain weird to me and it gives me a chuckle.

    And also, from what ive posted, what do you surmise she essentially wants? I definitely know she wants peace and no drama. More freedom, etc..

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Enjoy your freedom and experience life a bit more. You both don't seem cut out for a LDR or being exclusive at this time.

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    Originally Posted by jadedjuan
    What do you, and others, think about the crying while I was going down on her? That just seems plain weird to me and it gives me a chuckle.

    And also, from what ive posted, what do you surmise she essentially wants? I definitely know she wants peace and no drama. More freedom, etc..
    Very glad to know you found my post helpful :). It's good to see you so clear-headed about the whole situation.
    I don't know what to think about the crying. She could have really meant it, just one of those moments of affection, like 'realizing' that you care about her and stuff, but expressed with words that could have been picked better.
    I don't think she wants much more than that - peace, and to be over with the stress and tension.

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    Will she ever unblock me? Everywhere i read people are saying theyve never unblocked their ex when it got to that point. It seems super crazy.. How could that be genuine love if thats the case

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The move forward and don't want interference from the past.
    Originally Posted by jadedjuan
    Will she ever unblock me? Everywhere i read people are saying theyve never unblocked their ex when it got to that point. It seems super crazy.. How could that be genuine love if thats the case

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    Our past was defined by long distance.. 6 hours from e/other, in a few weeks we’ll be 2 hours from each other.

    One of our convos she asked if we could make up when i am closer, i said no, then maybe.. I am hoping she reaches out when i am closer.

    Should i keep her blocked or unblock her?

  11. #10
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
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    Hey, sorry I haven't replied over the weekend. Honestly, I think only you can decide that. Just don't mess with your own feelings anymore, this isn't worth it. :)

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