Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: Overcoming Guilt After Sterilization

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    5

    Overcoming Guilt After Sterilization

    I am married and got sterilized last year. When my husband and I first got together he said he wanted multiple children and at first I was on board with it. However reality slap me in the face and I realize that parent hood is not as great as they make it, pregnancy is awful, and childbirth was traumatic. I didn't want to go through any of it again.

    In five years he never mentioned starting on baby number two, and he would make comments about how he was glad we only had one child. I tried talking with him before I underwent surgery. I was honest about how I really didn't want any more children and I was never quiet about it. He didn't say he wanted more children or anything of the sort.

    After I got sterilized my husband reveals to me he wanted more children, but said he would never try to control what I do with my body. He keeps bringing up how we should have had more than one child, and it gives me this sullen look on his face every time he holds a child. I also asked him why didn't he say anything before and he said to me that if he would have told me about his desires they would have just fallen on deaf ears.

    I'm not sure exactly what to do anymore. I don't regret going through with the sterilization, but I can't afford a reversal or IVF. I don't have one foot out the door but had I known about him still wanting more children after I was finished, I would have ended the marriage. In fact I tried getting out of the marriage so that he can find someone else who he can have kids with while my child is still young, but he doesn't want the marriage to end.

    I would have no problem only having one child and being unable to have more children if my husband was okay with it too. Sometimes I secretly hope I miraculously end up pregnant again in the next year but only to appease him and my child. I'm not exactly sure what I can do to stop feeling guilty about robbing him of having more than one child.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,623
    Gender
    Male
    Therapy is always a great place to untangle some guilt, so if you haven't considered that I'd suggest a few appointments. I'd suggest he do the same—that maybe you both give yourselves some space to explore these feelings, in separate sessions and together.

    I have to say that, from what you've written, it sounds like your husband is being pretty unfair. This was a huge decision on your part, and something you talked to him about at length. He had ample time to voice any concerns or feelings. Of course, he's totally allowed to feel a new set of feelings after the procedure—that's life, and feelings are their own logic system—but to express them in a way that puts it on you (his perception of your "deaf ears" etc.) is neither kind nor productive, a wedge in lieu of a bridge.

    Your husband, like you, is an adult. He is allowed to make the choice that his life will not be complete if he doesn't have more children—allowed, even, to change his mind from what he once said—but he knows that he can't make that choice and remain with you. To remain with you and make you feel guilty—well, that's not going to work, not for either of you.

    Have you tried calmly and warmly expressing that? I can't help but get the sense that you two can be a little passive aggressive in your communication—never great even when you're making dinner plans (and someone burps our that they really wanted Chinese while eating Italian), and especially counterproductive when it comes to confronting very real and consequential matters like this. There may be momentary comfort in "secret hopes" of impossible scenarios, but in the long run they don't help you navigate what is actual and actually possible.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    5,749
    Gender
    Female
    I think therapy for both of you is in order.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,560
    Gender
    Female
    Couples counseling too considering (apparently) say the following so cavalierly.
    I don't have one foot out the door but had I known about him still wanting more children after I was finished, I would have ended the marriage. In fact I tried getting out of the marriage so that he can find someone else
    You did tell your husband you were having the procedure done BEFORE you got it done, right?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    5
    Absolutely. I talked with him about family planning before I went through with it. It would be unforgivable to do such a thing without informing him let alone unfair.

    However I find his snide comments are just as unfair.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,795
    Gender
    Male
    Tell him to stop being a passive-aggressive hostile jerk about it. Shut down that guilt-tripping conversation asap. Ask him what he is insinuating with this line of discussion.
    Originally Posted by gumbierthan
    After I got sterilized my husband reveals to me he wanted more children, . He keeps bringing up how we should have had more than one child, and it gives me this sullen look on his face every time he holds a child.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,846
    Gender
    Female
    So he agreed with your sterelization prior to it but now he's making passive aggressive remarks?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    55
    Posts
    7,796
    Gender
    Male
    Wait what?

    You are willing to throw your marriage away over this? Read your own words a few times and let them sink in.

    You sound disconnected from your husband. Are you in love with him? Do you even love him?

    He sounds disappointed and petty.

    Time to make an appointment with a couples therapist or marriage counselor because there is way more going on her than just a disagreement on how many children to have.

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,825
    Gender
    Female
    wow you would have ended your marriage because he wanted more kids (and he was clear on this from the beginning?) even before you had your tubes tied? Did you have any form of premarital counseling - it doesn't sound like it. If you really did not want a bunch of kids from the beginning - you should not have married him and found a guy who didn't want

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    5
    Yes I love my husband and wish to stay with him. I stated that I wanted to have kids at first, but after actually going through it I didn't want anymore.

    I am not willing to easily throw our marriage away. You cannot compromise on half a child. Although I want to be with my husband, it is unfair for me to expect him to just be okay with not having more kids and stay married. I didn't want to just say "oh what the hell" and have a child I did not want. Before anyone says it, it is very poor judgement to throw caution to the wind and just have the baby because I'll fall in love with it. It doesn't always turn out that way and children don't deserve that.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •