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Overcoming Guilt After Sterilization


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I am married and got sterilized last year. When my husband and I first got together he said he wanted multiple children and at first I was on board with it. However reality slap me in the face and I realize that parent hood is not as great as they make it, pregnancy is awful, and childbirth was traumatic. I didn't want to go through any of it again.

 

In five years he never mentioned starting on baby number two, and he would make comments about how he was glad we only had one child. I tried talking with him before I underwent surgery. I was honest about how I really didn't want any more children and I was never quiet about it. He didn't say he wanted more children or anything of the sort.

 

After I got sterilized my husband reveals to me he wanted more children, but said he would never try to control what I do with my body. He keeps bringing up how we should have had more than one child, and it gives me this sullen look on his face every time he holds a child. I also asked him why didn't he say anything before and he said to me that if he would have told me about his desires they would have just fallen on deaf ears.

 

I'm not sure exactly what to do anymore. I don't regret going through with the sterilization, but I can't afford a reversal or IVF. I don't have one foot out the door but had I known about him still wanting more children after I was finished, I would have ended the marriage. In fact I tried getting out of the marriage so that he can find someone else who he can have kids with while my child is still young, but he doesn't want the marriage to end.

 

I would have no problem only having one child and being unable to have more children if my husband was okay with it too. Sometimes I secretly hope I miraculously end up pregnant again in the next year but only to appease him and my child. I'm not exactly sure what I can do to stop feeling guilty about robbing him of having more than one child.

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Therapy is always a great place to untangle some guilt, so if you haven't considered that I'd suggest a few appointments. I'd suggest he do the same—that maybe you both give yourselves some space to explore these feelings, in separate sessions and together.

 

I have to say that, from what you've written, it sounds like your husband is being pretty unfair. This was a huge decision on your part, and something you talked to him about at length. He had ample time to voice any concerns or feelings. Of course, he's totally allowed to feel a new set of feelings after the procedure—that's life, and feelings are their own logic system—but to express them in a way that puts it on you (his perception of your "deaf ears" etc.) is neither kind nor productive, a wedge in lieu of a bridge.

 

Your husband, like you, is an adult. He is allowed to make the choice that his life will not be complete if he doesn't have more children—allowed, even, to change his mind from what he once said—but he knows that he can't make that choice and remain with you. To remain with you and make you feel guilty—well, that's not going to work, not for either of you.

 

Have you tried calmly and warmly expressing that? I can't help but get the sense that you two can be a little passive aggressive in your communication—never great even when you're making dinner plans (and someone burps our that they really wanted Chinese while eating Italian), and especially counterproductive when it comes to confronting very real and consequential matters like this. There may be momentary comfort in "secret hopes" of impossible scenarios, but in the long run they don't help you navigate what is actual and actually possible.

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Couples counseling too considering (apparently) say the following so cavalierly.

I don't have one foot out the door but had I known about him still wanting more children after I was finished, I would have ended the marriage. In fact I tried getting out of the marriage so that he can find someone else

 

You did tell your husband you were having the procedure done BEFORE you got it done, right?

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Tell him to stop being a passive-aggressive hostile jerk about it. Shut down that guilt-tripping conversation asap. Ask him what he is insinuating with this line of discussion.

After I got sterilized my husband reveals to me he wanted more children, . He keeps bringing up how we should have had more than one child, and it gives me this sullen look on his face every time he holds a child.

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Wait what?

 

You are willing to throw your marriage away over this? Read your own words a few times and let them sink in.

 

You sound disconnected from your husband. Are you in love with him? Do you even love him?

 

He sounds disappointed and petty.

 

Time to make an appointment with a couples therapist or marriage counselor because there is way more going on her than just a disagreement on how many children to have.

 

Lost

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wow you would have ended your marriage because he wanted more kids (and he was clear on this from the beginning?) even before you had your tubes tied? Did you have any form of premarital counseling - it doesn't sound like it. If you really did not want a bunch of kids from the beginning - you should not have married him and found a guy who didn't want

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Yes I love my husband and wish to stay with him. I stated that I wanted to have kids at first, but after actually going through it I didn't want anymore.

 

I am not willing to easily throw our marriage away. You cannot compromise on half a child. Although I want to be with my husband, it is unfair for me to expect him to just be okay with not having more kids and stay married. I didn't want to just say "oh what the hell" and have a child I did not want. Before anyone says it, it is very poor judgement to throw caution to the wind and just have the baby because I'll fall in love with it. It doesn't always turn out that way and children don't deserve that.

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Unfortunately. I was on long term birth control and when it was almost expired I talked with him about sterilization.

 

I thought long and hard if it was really what I wanted. I thought about the good times with my little one, held babies, about my pregnancy; and it wasn't enough to persuade me.

 

When our child was younger, I would be playing with relatives' babies and feeding them, my husband would say to family "don't even think about it" about another child. When he would see siblings arguing, he would say how glad we have one child. I guess I have more fault than I thought because I didn't outright ask him if he wanted more kids, just what he wanted to do regarding family planning.

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You did the responsible thing. You talked to him then found a responsible solution. Why is he beating you up over something that was discussed and can't be undone? Is he trying to justify an affair, or divorce? Sounds like it. You didn't "rob him" of anything.

In five years he never mentioned starting on baby number two, and he would make comments about how he was glad we only had one child. I tried talking with him before I underwent surgery. I was honest about how I really didn't want any more children and I was never quiet about it.

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In five years he never mentioned starting on baby number two, and he would make comments about how he was glad we only had one child. I tried talking with him before I underwent surgery. I was honest about how I really didn't want any more children and I was never quiet about it.

 

you told him that you didn't want children and that you were having surgery. you did not really sit down and talk, did you?

 

When it was prom time, i was very hurt that i was the only girl without a date even though 10 boys didn't have dates and went to prom solo. I would say 'well i am glad i don't have a date. i actually WANTED it that way" even though i was hurting deep inside.

 

You did not sit down and say "honey, I keep hearing you saying that you are glad we only have one child. Does that mean you do not want any more children, or does that mean you are trying to just be happy with who we have? If we really are sure we don't want kids, one of us could get sterilized. What are your thoughts about that? (LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN) "If we did, I would say it should be me..."

So it was something you both wanted.

 

If he wasn't totally on board with it, he is not going to say boo about it because you have already decided and men are told they have no right to have an opinion when it comes to women's reproduction even though he is your husband and he should get input as your partner and sounded board. Sometimes people are upset when things are final even if they were okay with the decision.

 

At this point, I predict that he may eventually leave and have kids with someone else because that is still his deepest desire. Or he is going to be passive aggressive with you.

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Thank you for not having more children when you know you don't 100% want that! I absolutely agree with you that it would be unfair to have more kids just because someone else may want you to have them.

 

Of course. I couldn't fathom ruining the life of my flesh and blood. Children are not idiots, they know when they are "tolerated". Being ill-equipped to properly raise them isn't an excuse then they turn out bad too. Although I will say that between my spouse, mother-in-law, and child I was looking into the cost of IVF and a reversal.

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