Friend introduced me to her best friend

So one of my friends introduced me to her childhood friend of 20+ years. She is visiting from another country and is leaving end of June. She is a performer in her country (doing operas) and wants to settle down. She can vouch for her character and she even wanted to marry her into her own family but things didn’t work out.

I know long distance will be an issue if thinking long term and she did say if we want to continue dating we should think long term. Should I take a chance and see where it goes? I know people here will point out the possible roadblocks for visa etc. (she can apply for special skill visa?) but isnt that just one of many possibilities and that shouldn't be a total dealbreaker? I don’t really have anyone local yet but there is one girl who is 5 hours away whom I spoke to a few times but not sure how interested she is.

Any suggestions?

You've been introduced- and have seen her how many times?

In my experience, just because someone makes for a good friend, doesn't mean they will make a good love interest. To really know a person, IMO, you need to physically see them twice a week over a period of at least a year to get a good picture of if they might be a good longterm partner or not. There are so many cons of LDRs, I never recommend them if they start out that way. Believe me, if she moved to your country on a work visa to basically date you with the goal of marriage when you barely know her, it will do a number on you psychologically. Lots of pressure there that you probably haven't even considered.

If you aren't meeting anyone locally, perhaps you haven't been creative enough in expanding your ways of meeting single women your age group. Take dancing lessons. Do volunteer work at a zoo, museum, environmental cleanups, etc. If you have meet up.com activities in your area, try that.

You are an adult, you choose how you should proceed. Everything we do, and the choices we make will always have some element of risk involved. If nothing works out, or you choose to not pursue, it's not the end of the world.

Date for fun while she's here. Don't overthink it.

So one of my friends introduced me to her childhood friend of 20+ years. She is visiting from another country and is leaving end of June.

Is this another woman from China who is looking for a husband? same questions as the first batch of women. If you decide to date, would they have the ability to stay for a few months in a few months down the road - rent a place of her own somewhere to actually "date" you. Can they legally be in this country on their own steam? (because of her skills, she could find an artist in residence situation or be employed and in demand here to receive residency on her own even with no fiance VISA??)

Can dating locally really be so hard that an arrangement like this seems preferable? It's so much more complicated and it's not like you even know whether or not you have a strong connection to know if it's worth the effort.

Is this another woman from China who is looking for a husband? same questions as the first batch of women. If you decide to date, would they have the ability to stay for a few months in a few months down the road - rent a place of her own somewhere to actually "date" you. Can they legally be in this country on their own steam? (because of her skills, she could find an artist in residence situation or be employed and in demand here to receive residency on her own even with no fiance VISA??)

Well she wants to settle down and have a family so yes. In terms of the residence situation I didn't feel comfortable asking - maybe i should to see what she's thinking? Her best friend actually graduated from same music school as her and the way she's staying in US is through student visa (she's finishing up her PHD). She is also a performer (piano) so I suspect if her friend wants to come to US she could do "special talent visa" or student visa. She did have 2 masters already and she did indicate shes not looking to get another degree although PHD is the direction if she were to.

I did subtly asked her how she would "expand" in US and she said performers are pretty flexible and she can get gigs like she got 3 gigs when she been in US just a week or so. She said another route is the school route to get PHD then do research. She said in terms of her career she has reached a "mid-top" level where she done all the key performances offered by the company and had main roles. She doesn't want to deal with the politics in her workplace and dont like the city and want a more peaceful place.

Should i straightup ask her these questions next time i see her?

You've been introduced- and have seen her how many times?

I was introduced last weekend at a performance and we chatted. Last night we had dinner and talked for 2hours or so. She has another concert this weekend I am planning to check out.

Well she wants to settle down and have a family so yes. In terms of the residence situation I didn't feel comfortable asking - maybe i should to see what she's thinking? Her best friend actually graduated from same music school as her and the way she's staying in US is through student visa (she's finishing up her PHD). She is also a performer (piano) so I suspect if her friend wants to come to US she could do "special talent visa" or student visa. She did have 2 masters already and she did indicate shes not looking to get another degree although PHD is the direction if she were to.

 

I did subtly asked her how she would "expand" in US and she said performers are pretty flexible and she can get gigs like she got 3 gigs when she been in US just a week or so. She said another route is the school route to get PHD then do research. She said in terms of her career she has reached a "mid-top" level where she done all the key performances offered by the company and had main roles. She doesn't want to deal with the politics in her workplace and dont like the city and want a more peaceful place.

 

Should i straightup ask her these questions next time i see her?

 

 

 

I was introduced last weekend at a performance and we chatted. Last night we had dinner and talked for 2hours or so. She has another concert this weekend I am planning to check out.

I would simply go on a couple more dates with her to see if you enjoy eachother's company and not talk about those things. Talk about other things like personal interests.

When people date, they tend to ask questions and give info "i am looking to date in order to meet my future wife" "do you see yourself wanting kids someday". So after those dates and there is still interest - I would ask "so, how often do you get to come to the United States? What if you decided you wanted to live here one day?" See if she is interested enough in you to make another trip back and see if she invites you to visit in China. ---

Can dating locally really be so hard that an arrangement like this seems preferable? It's so much more complicated and it's not like you even know whether or not you have a strong connection to know if it's worth the effort.

That's what i asked last time. He is Chinese(speaks Chinese as well) and is looking for a Chinese, or at the very least Asian, wife - with Chinese culturally being preferable. He keeps saying that there are not many Chinese women in his direct area. Maybe he feels he has a better chance with them vs women who are already in the US, even first generation natural citizens because he has less competition? I have no idea. But he seems to keep looking at women who would have to jump through hoops and might not be able to legally stay

You're thinking WAY too far ahead. You went on one date!

I get that you want to find a wife, but don't just leap on the first female who comes along. Find out if she's a good match for you to even date steadily first.

Slow down!

I would simply go on a couple more dates with her to see if you enjoy eachother's company and not talk about those things. Talk about other things like personal interests.

When people date, they tend to ask questions and give info "i am looking to date in order to meet my future wife" "do you see yourself wanting kids someday". So after those dates and there is still interest - I would ask "so, how often do you get to come to the United States? What if you decided you wanted to live here one day?" See if she is interested enough in you to make another trip back and see if she invites you to visit in China. ---

Yes she is ready to settle down and have family. That's why she said she's looking for long term to marriage relationships and want other to feel the same.

You're thinking WAY too far ahead. You went on one date!

 

I get that you want to find a wife, but don't just leap on the first female who comes along. Find out if she's a good match for you to even date steadily first.

 

Slow down!

I agree to slow down.. just i guess last time the talk about visa hardships really scared me. Also, i have questions on how she can make a living in US - not saying she needs be breadwinner but it would be nice to have another set of income. She doesn't seem to have any plan besides "Settle down".

At the moment, the divorce rate is about 45% in the U.S. If you are resorting to dating long distance, I believe it'd be wiser to stick to U.S. citizens in other states to avoid the worse financial ramifications when attempting to divorce a foreigner. Here's a portion of an article from a lawyer's website to educate yourself on the pitfalls of divorcing someone from another country:

One of the requirements the U.S. imposes on a resident who seeks to sponsor a foreign spouse is an affidavit of support. Filing such a document imposes a 10-year liability on the sponsor for certain types of government-based financial assistance that the foreign spouse - and the spouse’s children - may access in the future.

Let that sink in.

The theory goes that the sponsor should be held responsible for the costs of a foreign national who, say, goes on welfare after the break-up of a marriage. In that situation, the U.S. government may sue the sponsor to recover the costs involved.

In one case I had not long ago, the government was pursuing my client as a sponsor for $90,000 in social services benefits that were incurred by the sponsored parties several years ago. The sponsor argued he should not be held liable because he was disabled by illness and could therefore not support himself, never mind others. The government did not buy that excuse. They wanted their money.

I Owe How Much?

Often, the realization that a U.S. sponsor is on the hook for a foreign spouse's government debts is a rude awakening. In such moments, the sponsors invariably look for ways to relieve themselves of these liabilities, such as arranging for the removal of the now divorced foreign spouse. If the couple is still on speaking terms, and the foreign spouse is unhappy in the U.S., the spouse may be persuaded to leave the U.S. But this is rare.

A more popular, if sometimes more mischievous, method of addressing the problem is a so-called “poison pen letter,” where the sponsor writes to U.S. authorities outlining all the failings of the foreigner and calls on the government to remove that spouse. On occasion, such letters accomplish their goal and the foreign spouse ends up deported. More often, however, the foreign spouse gains permission to remain in the United States despite the marriage breakdown by proving extreme hardship or that the marriage was entered into in good faith or that they or the children of the marriage were subject to extreme cruelty.

As might be expected, the situation gets especially complicated for a disillusioned sponsor when there are children involved. For one thing, chances for the foreign spouse to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith dramatically increase. A showing of extreme hardship is also made easier.

Still, a foreign spouse must prove certain details to get approval to remain in the United States. First, the foreign spouse must prove that the marriage was a legal marriage in the place where the wedding took place and that it was not terminated. Second, they must show that the marriage was not entered into for the purpose of procuring U.S. residence (re-run The Proposal starring Sandra Bulloch or Greencard starring Gerard Depardieu for an entertaining and fairly accurate portrayal of this scam). Finally, there must be a showing that no fee, apart form an attorney fee, was paid - such as the $5000 to Cylvia Hayes above. One or more of these failings can sabotage the removal of the temporary condition on the green card.

Don't Forget To Ask For The Removal Of Temporary Residence

A huge mistake is when a foreign spouse neglects to file the application to remove the condition regarding temporary residence. From the moment the temporary green card expires, that foreign spouse begins accruing unlawful presence. Where such unlawful presence continues for a period in excess of six months, the foreign spouse becomes subject to a three-year bar to re-entry if he or she is removed or leaves the U.S. If the foreign spouse accrues more than one year of unlawful presence, then that spouse becomes subject to a ten-year bar to re-entry. Trouble is, a spouse isn't made aware of these penalties until they travel outside the U.S. and then try to re-enter. A big surprise awaits at the airport.

Assuming the foreign spouse applies successfully for the removal of temporary status, the green card becomes a permanent green card. In that instance, the sponsor’s financial responsibility often survives for a period of ten years or until the foreign spouse gains U.S. citizenship.

That last part is key. In marriage-based cases, the foreign spouse is eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship after three years of residence. It would be wise to encourage such a foreign spouse to obtain U.S. citizenship as soon as possible, especially if the concern is about future financial responsibility.

Not that your marriage won't be happily ever after, of course.

50% divorce rate is a myth. If 200 couples marry in a given year and 100 couples divorce - its not 50 percent because it doesn't account for the people married prior to that given year and are still married.

The best way to understand divorce rates, researchers say, is to calculate how many marriages have subsequently ended in divorce.

In other words, if we want to count how marriages held up in the past few decades, let's count how many of them made it to their 15th anniversary.

Measured that way, approximately 65% of marriages that began in the 1970s and 1980s reached their 15th anniversary, according to data from University of Michigan economist Justin Wolfers provided to the New York Times, making for a divorce rate of about 35% for those generations.

Based on that same data, about 70% of marriages from the 1990s reached 15 years, for a divorce rate of about 30%. And through around 2014 (which is when the dataset ended), the divorce rate for people who married in the 2000s was only at 15%.

The divorce rate, it appears, is dropping.

In the 1970s, people thought marriage was doomed.

There's a reason why people are worried about divorce rates. It's a holdover from decades ago, when the rate started trending upwards.

But according to the Times, the rise in divorce rates in the 1970s and 1980s was a historical anomaly. It occurred during the same time as a major feminist movement, which changed the way society thought about the role of women in life and in the economy. Women initiate about 70% of today's divorces.

At the time, the high divorce rate signaled an upward trend that would lead to 50% of marriages ending up in divorce. But that statistic never substantiated itself. Divorce rates began declining in the mid-1980s and continue to do so.

However, the OP would have several factors going for him - common goals of marriage (both want kids, etc), same culture (a biggie) or similar background, etc. - and if both from China their family backgrounds potentially have many similars. The biggest factor facing a potential marriage is economic - how they handle money and what their lifestyle expectations are.

Anyway, i don't think the OP should cancel out a relationship because of "divorce statistics" but should be open to women who are already here

It actually was not unheard of in generations past for a man who was from a particular country originally (or at least his parents were) to return to that country to look for a bride and most of the time the relationship was very successful because they chose based on family background, probably from the same village the future groom's initial impression of her, and she of him, and of course coming to America would also be attractive to her. But back then it was probably harder to meet someone who was also from the "old country" who you were not directly related because everyone of your background who was in America and settled in your town were relatives.

Nowadays, obviously immigration is rightfully harder, but what's easier is meeting people because of the internet. the OP has never explained beyond "i met one person and it wasn't a match" why he won't try to meet women within a 4 hour radius of him or he won't move to an area that has a higher population of Chinese immigrants instead of only looking at foreign women.

He me this woman twice. I feel any talk of marriage or divorce is extremely premature.

He me this woman twice. I feel any talk of marriage or divorce is extremely premature.

AGREE. I am just talking in general of his quest in finding a foreign bride.

It seems like he is working with a matchmaker who is suggesting these women

However, the OP would have several factors going for him - common goals of marriage (both want kids, etc), same culture (a biggie) or similar background, etc. - and if both from China their family backgrounds potentially have many similars. The biggest factor facing a potential marriage is economic - how they handle money and what their lifestyle expectations are.

 

Anyway, i don't think the OP should cancel out a relationship because of "divorce statistics" but should be open to women who are already here

I would be lying if financial burden is not a concern, but then isn't this normal if the woman is here or there? I mean it's certainly not a topic for discussion. In terms of her spending... i dont know how to take this but her best friend said she is very frugal to the point she borrowed her cloth for our date. Granted she came here with suitcases so with performance dresses etc. maybe not much room for tons of extra clothing? I think being good with money is ok but hope she's not to the extreme though. She is stylish though and takes care of herself skincare-wise (due to performing no doubt). But again it would be awkward to ask her? maybe ask her spending methods?

It actually was not unheard of in generations past for a man who was from a particular country originally (or at least his parents were) to return to that country to look for a bride and most of the time the relationship was very successful because they chose based on family background, probably from the same village the future groom's initial impression of her, and she of him, and of course coming to America would also be attractive to her. But back then it was probably harder to meet someone who was also from the "old country" who you were not directly related because everyone of your background who was in America and settled in your town were relatives.

 

Nowadays, obviously immigration is rightfully harder, but what's easier is meeting people because of the internet. the OP has never explained beyond "i met one person and it wasn't a match" why he won't try to meet women within a 4 hour radius of him or he won't move to an area that has a higher population of Chinese immigrants instead of only looking at foreign women.

I have looked but the selection here is small. Also, due to work i cant really move very easily unless i get to that point where i need to.

I would be lying if financial burden is not a concern, but then isn't this normal if the woman is here or there? I mean it's certainly not a topic for discussion. In terms of her spending... i dont know how to take this but her best friend said she is very frugal to the point she borrowed her cloth for our date. Granted she came here with suitcases so with performance dresses etc. maybe not much room for tons of extra clothing? I think being good with money is ok but hope she's not to the extreme though. She is stylish though and takes care of herself skincare-wise (due to performing no doubt). But again it would be awkward to ask her? maybe ask her spending methods?

 

 

 

 

 

I have looked but the selection here is small. Also, due to work i cant really move very easily unless i get to that point where i need to.

I am not talking about financial burden - i am talking about how you handle finances. Some people are savers. Some people have no concept and blow money on any little thing they want. Some people like to live above their means and use credit cards. its what your relationships with money are.

Also, you say the "selection here is small" - so there are 5 Chinese-born or American-born but with a strong Chinese background in the whole USA who are single and looking to find their future husband between the ages of 28 and 40? That's BS. Are you on Match and other dating sites indicating preference for Asian women (open to women who are half Asian? How about non asian women who grew up in China because of their parents working at a company there or as missionaries?), that you speak English and Chinese fluently and you are looking for a relationship leading to marriage? ) There are millions of women that meet those criteria.

Do you not think you will meet someone so therefore you are sabotaging yourself by only looking overseas?

If you were born in China and came over in the past 10 years, then i could understand it more

It's using a match-maker customary and considered more auspicious and polite in her culture?

It's using a match-maker customary and considered more auspicious and polite in her culture?

Yes. The "matchmaker" basically gathers background info from both parties and filters out anyone not meeting those requirements. You can think Matchmaker at the basic level to be the "filter" option on dating sites with exception it is more reliable.

I am not talking about financial burden - i am talking about how you handle finances. Some people are savers. Some people have no concept and blow money on any little thing they want. Some people like to live above their means and use credit cards. its what your relationships with money are.

 

Also, you say the "selection here is small" - so there are 5 Chinese-born or American-born but with a strong Chinese background in the whole USA who are single and looking to find their future husband between the ages of 28 and 40? That's BS. Are you on Match and other dating sites indicating preference for Asian women (open to women who are half Asian? How about non asian women who grew up in China because of their parents working at a company there or as missionaries?), that you speak English and Chinese fluently and you are looking for a relationship leading to marriage? ) There are millions of women that meet those criteria.

 

Do you not think you will meet someone so therefore you are sabotaging yourself by only looking overseas?

If you were born in China and came over in the past 10 years, then i could understand it more

Match.com and other english sites i used are mostly useless. Match.com is a scam since you have no idea if the profiles are legit AND you have no idea who's paying and who's not. I use another asian site where the selection are all asians and as long as one person is a paying member the non paying can respond and conversation can be had. Plus the site i use is more legit in terms people there are not around playing games. Not saying match/harmony/etc cant create matches but they way they do it doesn't really "encourage" direct communication.

Whether it's a dating site or a matchmaker, their job ends once you have met the person in question. After that, it's up to you to do your due diligence vetting them as a viable partner. Which should be a lot more than just learning some facts about them.

Match.com and other english sites i used are mostly useless. Match.com is a scam since you have no idea if the profiles are legit AND you have no idea who's paying and who's not. I use another asian site where the selection are all asians and as long as one person is a paying member the non paying can respond and conversation can be had. Plus the site i use is more legit in terms people there are not around playing games. Not saying match/harmony/etc cant create matches but they way they do it doesn't really "encourage" direct communication.

Are you not open to English-speaking women? Or Asian-American women?

Are you not open to English-speaking women? Or Asian-American women?

asian american is fine too.