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Hello everyone,

 

I was wondering if i could get some advice here please.

I met this man from online dating site. So it has been a month and we met about 3 times, first for a coffee at a pub, second -we were supposed to park my car at his place and then go to walk around the area but then he took me to his apartment as i was 1 hour late and he had to meet his friend afterwards for work discussion, third time again i went to his apartment as he finished work later than expected.

He is a successful businessman who has everything including the looks, the height. The main thing for me is i guess his looks and the height, his intelligence and sensical.

The third time he mentioned sex and i told him i have been calibrated for years since the last relationship and sex would make me suffer emotionally ( which i did not explain any further that i wanted to get to know him better )

 

We had a great time on the 3rd date as we laughed a lot. But the day after i saw him actively online dating website again looking for someone.

I do really like him but i realize that for all the 3 dates , 2 of those i was the one who travelled for half an hour to see him. Therefore there has not been any investments on his side yet.

I do realize that he is this highly successful man , dark , tall and handsome. Obviously he could get any woman he wants.

I am looking for a meaningful and long lasting relationship and definitely i need to get to know each other well enough to feel safe for the next step

 

I feel that he thinks i am not open to sex ( which is not the case ) which i do not know what to do next .

 

Could you please give me some advice what i should do next.

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Well you set your boundaries, stick to them. If you don't want to have sex, don't. The fact that he's still on dating sites doesn't mean anything, you've only been out on three dates. Plan something near you, see if he'll come. And stop checking his dating profile. After all, it works the other way around too, he might've seen you online too, what should he assume? Anyway, again, no point in analyzing that, it's normal.

 

Random: what is it with height? Seriously.

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Thank you so much for your reply , I am mostly online on the dating profile as it is a way for me to talk to people and make friends. Not exactly only for romantic reason but just friendship. Do you think it would consequently push him away ? ( getting jealous? )

i am not sure about the dating etiquette but i do stay online most of the time just to socialize .

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Oh no, don't change what you're doing in the possibility of him assuming, that only leads to disregarding your needs. I just mentioned that to show you that assuming is not an accurate way to get to know someone.

 

If you think he's not putting much effort into seeing you, start making plans somewhere where it's more convenient for you and see how he responds.

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And I think it's ok to have preferences, but I'd put that under the general word of "handsome". I just keep seeing women getting really obsessed with height, when looks do play a role, but shouldn't be a deal breaker (generally speaking)

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OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

 

So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

 

He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I do realize that i told him everything although i just met him because i dont normally talk through these things with anyone ( all my close friends are very busy with there family , work etc. )

I need to now be more careful and keep things private.

I am just being open and honest from the start which is probably not the way to be successful in dating field.

I think now i need to probably just let him decide if he wants to contact me again then i am open to it . If he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore then, i will move on and learn this as a valuable lesson for not being to open and honest next time...

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I don't know if this guy sits well with me. Three dates, and you do all the travel. The second was to "walk around." Does he live in a populated area where restaurants, bars, stores, activities are nearby and walking distance? It seems very...come up to my apartment, babe...to me. And he brought up sex after the second date. I don't know that that's inherently bad. Let's not pretend it's not something we want at some point and think about, but the actions seem to be oriented in that direction, heavily, as more casual and hookup, less relationship-oriented. Has he done anything for you? Dinner, window shop and grab a drink on your "walking," or anything?

 

There seem to be issues with punctuality as well...you and him, apparently. It seems strange that instead of rescheduling, he kept you on your way over and then had to duck out for a "meeting." Third date...hang out at his place because he had to work late. It all seems "off" to me, sorry. He sort of does as he pleases, and you sniff after him. I hope this is only an impression and there's more substance to what you have had so far. To have you over at his apartment because he was running late seems very "booty call" in a sense to me. Again, I hope I'm wrong.

 

While I don't think I'd be eager to jump into bed after the three encounters so far (he seems lazy, aloof), I agree with Batya that unloading your emotional trauma was not something that had to be done so early. There's nothing wrong with saying you'd rather wait a little bit, or you want to be in a committed relationship first. He could simply not be interested in dealing with someone who is terribly damaged.

 

At this point, you don't have a lot to lose. I would want to see if he steps up to the plate, drives out to your area, puts in some more effort to see you, which if he was interested, he would be making that effort. If he's looking for casual, why bother when you can have the woman come to you? Tread carefully here. You may be charmed by him and his looks, but don't let it blind you into something one-sided, leaving you feeling empty.

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First of all, I don't think it's fair to assume he's seriously 'looking for someone else' just because he was still online on the dating website and/or browsing for new matches. It's perfectly fine for him to still do that, since you two have no commitment to each other yet. I would say to not worry about that yet.

 

The right course of action, I think, never really is to limit how open you are. Things are so much easier and more comfortable for everyone when confusion is avoided through just being clear with each other. If you are really interested in getting to know this person better and learning whether there's more to him than just his good looks, and eventually maybe trying a committed relationship with him, I would recommend better communication. The way I see it, it's not a problem that you shared what you did with a man you've only seen a few times - only you really understand how comfortable you already are with each other or not -, but rather the way you expressed it. Perhaps you said it in a way that was perceived more as rejection than you simply expressing some problems you have from your past experiences. The right course of action here is that, next time you meet, you clear it out for him that there was a 'yet' involved. It's normal for people to want to feel more connected before having sex. Make sure he understands that you are attracted to him but just need more time. Ask him for a response too, don't let him avoid telling you what he thinks about that. This way, you'll know for sure if he just wants sex now or can wait for a proper relationship with you. Both people need to be informed of what's happening, so nobody wakes up with an unpleasant surprise (such as him looking for other people and you being confused as to why).

 

As for his involvement in the dates, just set one up that implies some effort on his side. Like suggested above, meet somewhere of your choice next time, and make sure the timing is right for both of you to be fully mentally present.

Another tip - don't focus so much on looks. Just because he's handsome doesn't mean 'any woman wants him'. I don't know why you would only want him because of that either - there must be more to him, right?

 

Good luck! :) ♥

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He's looking for hookups, that's why he steered the dates to his place. Always meet in public the first 3 dates. Never drive to their home and never let them drive to yours. In-home dates very early on means they want hookups. It's that simple. Note he brought up sex but not exclusive dating. That's pretty clear.

 

Avoid TMI, particularly the damaged goods stuff. People you meet online are not therapists, they are strangers.

 

You and anyone you meet are free to date whoever you want until you've been dating a while and have had the exclusive conversation. If you need to be exclusive before sex, make it a standard and be clear on that.

second -we were supposed to park my car at his place and then go to walk around the area but then he took me to his apartment as i was 1 hour late and he had to meet his friend afterwards

third time again i went to his apartment as he finished work later than expected.

The third time he mentioned sex. the day after i saw him actively online dating website again looking for someone.

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I told him that sex would make me attached to you and also make me feel needy and clingy which is actually not the case but i'm not sure why i said that ( thinking it's the dating anxiety)

I did not feel good after seeing him on the 3rd date in his Ferrari ( my view towards him then was linked to a player rich man who i have to be careful and it scared me to be honest )

Yes you are completely right! i was not attracted to him for his looks as a priority really. He ticked all the boxes which is very rare for me and the most important thing is that his job involves being a senior in his organisation practically saves people lives everyday - i relate him to the quality of good heart , morals and conscience )

I was being relaxed about making my way to go to see him as i thought of him as a friend to begin with and just you know - going to do things , have some fun etc... that's why i didn't really think about the other disadvantages of my actions

I still have a lot to learn and it is very useful for me to be able to hear your views, thank you so much.

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OK -consider this.

 

It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

 

 

His career allows me to search him on google and can see that he is someone important in his organization which works to save people lives everyday and he is kinda the senior in there . He never touched me and very polite and gentleman so that's why i felt safe with him.

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I told him that sex would make me attached to you and also make me feel needy and clingy which is actually not the case but i'm not sure why i said that ( thinking it's the dating anxiety)

I did not feel good after seeing him on the 3rd date in his Ferrari ( my view towards him then was linked to a player rich man who i have to be careful and it scared me to be honest )

Yes you are completely right! i was not attracted to him for his looks as a priority really. He ticked all the boxes which is very rare for me and the most important thing is that his job involves being a senior in his organisation practically saves people lives everyday - i relate him to the quality of good heart , morals and conscience )

I was being relaxed about making my way to go to see him as i thought of him as a friend to begin with and just you know - going to do things , have some fun etc... that's why i didn't really think about the other disadvantages of my actions

I still have a lot to learn and it is very useful for me to be able to hear your views, thank you so much.

 

I feel like just saying wow!!!! Wow wow wow!

But that’s not going to help you so I will explain or try to!

 

A guy I know well, is and has been on the dating scene for about 4 years now. He is a well renowned brain surgeon and if I was not a good friend I would mention his name to prove that.

Yes he saves lives through his work but it doesn’t equate to empathy in his personal life. I actually am cranky with him for having an affair when his first born was only a few months old.

 

I don’t earn anything near this guy because I’m not a brain surgeon , yet what I do for a living saves lives everyday and my brain surgeon friend can’t do his job without my input. I am a scientist. He asks me what his patient test results mean. Because he has no idea!!!

 

Why are you caring about superficial crap when dating?

My brain surgeon friend would write you off but still sleep with you. Because you are willing to.

He will still save a life the next morning. Because that’s his job.

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wow! you hit the right spot there, thank you so much for the insight!

i do not understand why these people dont want to be monogamous and have a loving fulfilling relationship? isn't that what everyone is looking for? I hope the online dating world is better than this but this could be the last straw of my faith...

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Why are you caring about superficial crap when dating?

My brain surgeon friend would write you off but still sleep with you. Because you are willing to.

He will still save a life the next morning. Because that’s his job.

 

He told me on the first date that he is looking for someone to marry

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How are you putting all of your judgement about the online dating scene as a whole and about this one person that you know into one example someone gives you!? Just as because his job is saving lives it doesn't necessarily mean anything about his personality, neither does one example of a brain surgeon not being a good person not mean anything about the person you are talking about. This is between you and him. Get to know him, then decide what you think of it.

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I don't see why you would wait in confusion when you could be taking steps towards making everything clearer for the both of you. Let him know if you have serious doubts that he wants you because of his apparent lack of involvement, and make sure to talk about what you really meant by the sex thing the next time you meet. You both have a right to understand what's really going on. I wouldn't worry about seeming desperate, but maybe that's just me. There are ways in which you can casually express that you still want to meet (and on your terms, so that he travels this time and stuff) without appearing like you're all over him already.

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I don't see why you would wait in confusion when you could be taking steps towards making everything clearer for the both of you. Let him know if you have serious doubts that he wants you because of his apparent lack of involvement, and make sure to talk about what you really meant by the sex thing the next time you meet. You both have a right to understand what's really going on. I wouldn't worry about seeming desperate, but maybe that's just me. There are ways in which you can casually express that you still want to meet (and on your terms, so that he travels this time and stuff) without appearing like you're all over him already.

 

I was thinking of sending him messages to explain but i think it looks desparate so maybe it's better to talk through when we meet face to face. I am on the shy side so it would take more work for me to try to reach out etc...

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The third time he mentioned sex and i told him i have been calibrated for years since the last relationship and sex would make me suffer emotionally ( which i did not explain any further that i wanted to get to know him better )

 

 

Not sure what you meant by "calibrated," but in context I am assumimg you meant you've been celibate for years?

 

Or did you mean something else?

 

Did you actually tell him you've been "calibrated" for years? What was his response?

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I told him that sex would make me attached to you and also make me feel needy and clingy which is actually not the case but i'm not sure why i said that ( thinking it's the dating anxiety)

 

This may have been your honest thoughts and feelings but was waaaaayyyy too much for a third date. I mean let's get real... even the most respectful and relationship oriented guy will feel somewhat reluctant to pursue anything further after hearing something like that.

 

If that's how you feel after having sex then good on you for not relaxing on your boundaries around when you have sex, however it does show a lack of personal boundaries that you would communicate something like this so soon. In the future just tell them you choose not to have sex unless you are in a serious relationship.

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When a guy starts to bring you by his place...then starts in about sex after a couple of dates, he's looking to hook up. Now that he knows you are not looking for something casual/fun, he busy looking for someone else. It's very possible, since you only had 3 simple dates in over a month's time, he's seeing other women. When a man is interested in YOU, he will treat you like a queen, taking you out on nice dinner dates, making a real effort to see you more than on night a week, and more than for 45 mins, nor would he be making you wait for him while he finishes up his work, etc. You are making excuses for a guy that hasn't shown he's datable material, potential BF. You are so struck by his good looks, you are glazing over the red flags that have appeared right in front of you. I know why you are here...you want us to tell you how to make him want to be with you, and have a relationship with you...you have no control over he wants....he is looking for sex, and to get it with very little investment.

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