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Thread: Am I overreacting by my girlfriends flirty behavior?

  1. #1

    Am I overreacting by my girlfriends flirty behavior?

    My girlfriend and I (both 29 y/o) have been together for about a year and I have developed massive trust issues and anxiety over the last couple of months. She is very sweet when we are together and takes ridiculously good care of me even when I sometimes don't reciprocate, but there are things about her personality that make me very concerned.

    Some examples are that she:

    • was sending 2am texts to me before I really knew her and while she was in a previous relationship (I got a random text at 2am from a number I didn't know telling me to come drinking)
    • sending similar 2am texts to my coworkers when her and I were hooking up in the beginning
    • we work together in a small office and she was acting flirty in my office with other coworkers in odd ways. For example, I would come out of a meeting and she would randomly be at other guys desks acting in a very flirty manner. This happened with 2 separate coworkers and I finally confronted her about it when she was flirting quite heavily on separate occasions at work parties (i.e. was giving them a ton of flirtatious attention, took photobooth pictures with one of them). I then was so drunk and upset after the party that I went through her work messages and found a thread calling one of them 'boo'
    • she had an STD while we were just hooking up in the beginning that I did not have. I still don't know how I never got it since we were not using protection, but she claimed that she was not sleeping around and I believed her
    • she kind of hides her phone when I am with her. I know she uses her phone all the time, but not much when I am around and turns her phone away when I am with her. she is very active on Instagram with a lot of followers and this for some reason bothers me
    • we slept together on the first night out and she is also very sexual. texts me very sexually, sends me sexual pictures, and we have sex a lot. i like this of course, but it for some reason makes me paranoid that she is this thirsty. i recognize this point is kind of illogical.




    Am I overreacting to the above in thinking we should break it off? I have been cheated on before and have some self confidence issues so I know that some of this stuff is me being paranoid, but is this too far for me to continue on with her?



    The flirty behavior could be me overreacting, but it did bother me a load and has perpetuated my anxiety about her being unfaithful. I've confronted her about all of this (even me looking through her phone), and she has explained that she is naturally flirty and has improved since we spoke about it. Her calling my coworker boo for some reason really bothers me and I am having tons of difficulty getting over it.



    Putting myself in her shoes, I also come across flirty and she has had several instances where she was upset with me for how i acted. She has also been cheated on in her last 3 relationships and we talk about how we both never want to hurt each other and will forever be faithful. I know that I can't keep bringing up her past behavior, but it feels like I'll never get over it and will forever be paranoid about what she is doing when she is not with me. I have never been like this, but now I find myself worried when she is out late or is simply messaging people on her phone. It is making me want to look through her phone or act controlling and that is not the type of relationship I want. Am I overreacting, or is this cause for concern? There have been no explicit breaches of trust, just paranoia caused from her behavior. Should I just give her the benefit of the doubt and move on or is this real cause for concern?



    TLDR: My girlfriend has done several things that make me feel as though I should not trust her and I may break up with her because of it.

  2. #2
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    I am social and chatty and sometimes it has come across as flirty- apparently. Not for many years though. She sounds like she’s crossing lines beyond harmless flirting. When you’re both sober have a calm mature discussion about what you’re comfortable with and what you are not. It can be a very individual and subjective thing. Good luck !

  3. #3
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    I cannot believe that people still do not use condoms.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don’t see this working out. I mean, here’s the thing: everything that’s bothering you is also, of course, everything you like about her, everything that drew you to her.

    She’s fun, cute, flirtatious, sex-forward, sexual, a little dangerous. You dig that, or certainly did in the beginning. Fast sex, good sex with someone with a thirsty Instagram presence and an internal code that says it’s cool to send 2am texts to one dude while dating another. Great for your confidence then, I bet.

    You rewarded all that, were a reward for all that, and now you want...what? For her to be different because she’s with you? Doesn’t work that way, sadly. Everything you knew about her said this is someone who will call a coworker “boo.” Why even feign surprise?

    She’s being totally consistent. You’re not. You were into her texting you at 2am when she had a boyfriend, into starting a relationship like that, so you can’t mark that retroactively as a red flag right now or some character defect of hers that you don’t share. You were also into having sex with someone who didn’t care to use protection, so don’t vilify or judge her for that now. You either have the confidence that she’s not doing that to you and that your connection is different, or you don’t.

    And you don’t.

    You long ago crossed that line into being a paranoid, controlling boyfriend when you looked through her messages. Sounds simply that she’s “too much” for you—perfect for hooking up and casually dating, but not partnership. All good. A lesson there, maybe, about what you really want. But don’t shame her for that, and don’t stay in something that is turning your confidence to piecemeal.

    I know that sounds harsh. I’d take a minute to do some real exploring here about what you want and can handle. You’ve been cheated on, and that remains a scar. Yet you got involved with someone who was at least flirting with cheating on someone else with you. That’s your foundation here, and it kind of sounds like you’re trying to prove something or use this to work through your past.

    Sounds like she’s doing the same, since she didn’t break up with you when you violated her privacy. Some part of her feels “bad” for all the things making you feel bad, so she’s down for some schooling. But until you’re both genuinely comfortable in your skin, and know what you want, you’ll find yourselves in relationships that get the skin boiling. Right now that’s with each other.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I am social and chatty and sometimes it has come across as flirty- apparently. Not for many years though. She sounds like she’s crossing lines beyond harmless flirting. When you’re both sober have a calm mature discussion about what you’re comfortable with and what you are not. It can be a very individual and subjective thing. Good luck !
    Thank you for the advice. We have certainly had several conversations about this already, but it may have come to far at this point. I strongly feel as though I'll never be able to trust her again, even if her intentions were just being friendly.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don’t see this working out. I mean, here’s the thing: everything that’s bothering you is also, of course, everything you like about her, everything that drew you to her.

    She’s fun, cute, flirtatious, sex-forward, sexual, a little dangerous. You dig that, or certainly did in the beginning. Fast sex, good sex with someone with a thirsty Instagram presence and an internal code that says it’s cool to send 2am texts to one dude while dating another. Great for your confidence then, I bet.

    You rewarded all that, were a reward for all that, and now you want...what? For her to be different because she’s with you? Doesn’t work that way, sadly. Everything you knew about her said this is someone who will call a coworker “boo.” Why even feign surprise?

    She’s being totally consistent. You’re not. You were into her texting you at 2am when she had a boyfriend, into starting a relationship like that, so you can’t mark that retroactively as a red flag right now or some character defect of hers that you don’t share. You were also into having sex with someone who didn’t care to use protection, so don’t vilify or judge her for that now. You either have the confidence that she’s not doing that to you and that your connection is different, or you don’t.

    And you don’t.

    You long ago crossed that line into being a paranoid, controlling boyfriend when you looked through her messages. Sounds simply that she’s “too much” for you—perfect for hooking up and casually dating, but not partnership. All good. A lesson there, maybe, about what you really want. But don’t shame her for that, and don’t stay in something that is turning your confidence to piecemeal.

    I know that sounds harsh. I’d take a minute to do some real exploring here about what you want and can handle. You’ve been cheated on, and that remains a scar. Yet you got involved with someone who was at least flirting with cheating on someone else with you. That’s your foundation here, and it kind of sounds like you’re trying to prove something or use this to work through your past.

    Sounds like she’s doing the same, since she didn’t break up with you when you violated her privacy. Some part of her feels “bad” for all the things making you feel bad, so she’s down for some schooling. But until you’re both genuinely comfortable in your skin, and know what you want, you’ll find yourselves in relationships that get the skin boiling. Right now that’s with each other.
    Appreciate the time on this. Your analysis is impressive. I know that some people are cool with this sort of behavior and unfortunately a lot of attractive girls in my city are like this. She has done a great job of convincing me that she is a good girl, exclusively mine, and that she wants to be with me forever. She also does a great job of keeping me updated when she is out, gives open communication about her night, and invites me to everything. I know everyone in similar situations says this, but I do believe her for the most part and that I am overreacting / overthinking a lot of this. Mostly because we spend an insane amount of time together (~20hours/day) because we work together, and there is really no time for her to act unfaithfully.

    My gut instinct does give me a bad feeling though. She occasionally acts different once she gets drunk and I worry about her impulses. Of course, the above behavior isa big part of why I feel that way. I have treated her much worse however. It took me forever to be exclusive with her (over 4 months), never posted anything about her on ig even though it bothered her (stupid 2019 relationships), and just created general distrust with me by not inviting her out with my friends and just generally acting shady about what I was doing. I essentially just made her feel very insecure in the relationship.

    That said, we have collectively created a toxic environment that there may be no coming back from. I think some of the things she has done are out of spite and I believe you're right in that it will likely not work. I know that I painted a bad picture of her above, but she really is a very sweet girl and treats me insanely well. I've made her cry on many occasions because of how I've treated her and making her feel I was going to break up with her multiple times. I almost broke up with her after one of the flirting incidents and she went home and cried every night after work because I wouldn't talk to her.

    Some of her behavior is likely from this and I don't know if there is any coming back..

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by sccooterrr
    Thank you for the advice. We have certainly had several conversations about this already, but it may have come to far at this point. I strongly feel as though I'll never be able to trust her again, even if her intentions were just being friendly.
    A conversation where you state clearly what is the line between ok and not ok, in a calm way and give examples.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At a certain point the hot and easy sex will no longer outweigh your lack of respect for her. That point may be happening right now. You don't trust her and you hold her past and her sexuality against her. The tricky part is working together. You'll need a lot of diplomacy for that.

  10. #9
    Member meat50's Avatar
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    If you've talked about this and told her how you feel and she hasn't changed...there's your answer about ending the relationship. I'm not saying people have to change to be with someone else but it seems she's very aware of what she is doing. It sends a message to other guys...very clearly. I was in a similar situation (I'm much older than you ) and felt the same way. First thought I was just being 'clingy' or whatever. I talked with her about it and the response was "that's how you feel" . Not, hey, I didn't realize it bothered you and I'll be more sensitive. Maybe I was expecting too much. it ended.

  11. #10
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    Man bluecastle nailed it. /End thread right there.

    You're probably incompatible long term. Maybe just enjoy the ride for now but know that it's not meant to be long term. So guard yourself emotionally, use protection sexually. But enjoy it until you decide you don't.


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