Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Healing & Moving On: Challenges at 30

  1. #1
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,631
    Gender
    Male

    Healing & Moving On: Challenges at 30

    Hi all, long-time poster. Just wanted to give an update. In no particular order, here are things that are currently going on in my life.

    • Divorce currently in process. Married for about 4+ years, together for about 10. It's all paperwork at this point. I don't hurt as much as I used to.
    • My Dad/Dad's family and I had a falling out over his new marriage. He left my Mom, who is terminally ill, for his mistress and ended up marrying her. My Sister an I don't support it. We tried to be happy for our Dad, but she's a toxic woman. My Dad and I had big fight a week ago and haven't spoken. We were always close.
    • My Mom is bi-polar. We talk occasionally. Sometimes, our convos are good. Other times, very bad. Currently, things are good, but it could easily flip.
    • I still have a job, but there's uncertainty in the near future. My company was acquired. I'm battling through.
    • Trying to figure out 'what's next' for me. I'm the type of person who likes to try/do a lot of different things. I feel like I'm ready for my next adventure.



    Overall, I feel like this is a lot to be going through. I've been to counselling to discuss, but it's a lot to have on your plate. I've been volunteering, working out everyday, staying busy, etc. I'm starting softball next week. I would say that I'm pretty positive and upbeat 90% of the time, but sometimes, I feel like an idiot/failure. I don't really lean on friends because it's not a 'guy thing' to do. I've briefly told some friend what's going on, but I try to save those conversations for the counselor. I've also started casually dating (e.g., having drinks, going to baseball games). It's fun to meet new people.

    Just looking for some words of encouragement here.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    711
    Gender
    Female
    Try to accept your dad's mistress (wife). He's a grown up, and if he made a bad choice, he's the one who will suffer the consequences. Why create problems?

    Sorry to hear about your mom. That must be stressful.

    What kinds of adventures are you up for?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,440
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by thekid55
    I don't really lean on friends because it's not a 'guy thing' to do.
    I'm not sure about that....If not for some very special friends here on ENA and out here in real life I wouldn't be posting this to you now*

    You'll be surprised who comes when you reach out*
    Originally Posted by thekid55
    Just looking for some words of encouragement here.
    Well, basically this....>>
    Originally Posted by thekid55
    I would say that I'm pretty positive and upbeat 90% of the time, but sometimes, I feel like an idiot/failure.
    You don't see that as completely normal....? I'd say that^ rings true for pretty much most people in the world.....

    In fact I think they'll lock you up for being 100% happy all the time! :)

    You definitely have dealt with a lot recently but keep it movin' buddy - You're not in jail. You're not in hospital. You're not in a war zone.....I want you to really absorb that.

    Lot's to be grateful for*

    Regards

    Carus*

  4. #4
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,631
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Try to accept your dad's mistress (wife). He's a grown up, and if he made a bad choice, he's the one who will suffer the consequences. Why create problems?

    Sorry to hear about your mom. That must be stressful.

    What kinds of adventures are you up for?
    Thanks for the reply. Good question. I enjoy traveling. I want to see more of the world. I've seen a lot in the U.S., but outside of the Caribbean, not much internationally. I've been to Europe once.

    My goal is to continue building my social circle in the city. I have a lot of really close friends, but we're all spread out in different states. Most of my best friends are at least 2 hours away. Once I receive some more job clarity in the next month (or so), I plan to move. I'm still living in the same apartment that my wife and I had for 5+ years. I've totally changed in the side of the apartment by throwing a lot of things out, changing pictures, changing decorations, changing bedding and clothes. It feels like a new place, but some of the old memories still linger in there.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,631
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Carus
    I'm not sure about that....If not for some very special friends here on ENA and out here in real life I wouldn't be posting this to you now*

    You'll be surprised who comes when you reach out*

    Well, basically this....>>

    You don't see that as completely normal....? I'd say that^ rings true for pretty much most people in the world.....

    In fact I think they'll lock you up for being 100% happy all the time! :)

    You definitely have dealt with a lot recently but keep it movin' buddy - You're not in jail. You're not in hospital. You're not in a war zone.....I want you to really absorb that.

    Lot's to be grateful for*

    Regards

    Carus*
    Thanks, buddy. The bolded part really hit home for me.

    I texted one of my best buddies yesterday. We've known each other for about 20 years. About 6 years ago, his fiance called off their wedding about 2 weeks beforehand. My buddy lost all of his security deposits on vendors, site fee, etc. Total amount lost was about $30,000. I spent a lot of time talking to him about it, reassuring him that everything happens for a reason, it's all good, etc.

    Well, about 2 years ago, my buddy found someone new, they got engaged, and will be married in August. Via text, I told him about my divorce and how I'll bring someone else to his wedding. He sent a few long messages, which basically said everything works out for the best (look at his situation), told me to go cold turkey on all communication/social media, accepting that not everything works out, how these situations make you stronger, better. I told him I was happy for him and couldn't wait to see him again soon.

    Goes to show that everything happens for a reason...

  7. #6
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    1,631
    Gender
    Male
    I think the biggest challenge I'm dealing with is trying not to blame myself too much for these things.

    With my marriage, it just stopped growing and fell apart. I did everything in my power to position us in the best way possible, financially. I took care of her financially, help pay student loans, etc. We made so many smart financial decisions to set ourselves up for the future, but that came at the expense of having more fun. Still, we went on fun vacations a few times a year. The issues I had my parents' divorce definitely affected me. It was hard to deal with the different personality dynamics, but I did the best I could. My wife was always there and was supportive, but my parents' divorce affected me big time because we were always a close family, my Mom is terminally ill, etc. If I could change anything about the past, I wouldn't have AS hands on w/ my Mom and I would sought counselling much sooner to deal with these issues. Deep down, I don't think I was ever my wife's #1 choice, either. It's hard for me to admit that, but we got back together once her jerk of an ex-bf rejected her. They only dated for a few months, but still, I harbored some resentment about being second best.

    With my Mom, the relationship changes so much. I haven't seen her in a year (I'm going through a lot of stuff, she lives 3 hours away, I don't have a car). I feel a massive amount of anxiety about seeing her. I've done the long trek to see her multiple times only to have her blow-up, start yelling, and I just leave. Then I have to do the 3-hour commute all over again. It's a negative trigger, so I just do phone calls right now. She does like to guilt trip me that I don't help her/support her enough, but I simply end the conversations and move on.

    With my Dad, he's the most easily manipulated man I've ever seen. Now, my aunt and uncle are shutting me out, too. Maybe it's good that I'm purging all of these people at once....


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •