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Thread: Did I come on too strong with this guy?

  1. #1
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    Did I come on too strong with this guy?

    Been seeing a guy for a month and a half who just came back from a two week trip. We've slept together twice and he's introduced me to his friends. He texted me when he got back and we've been chatting - this guy has always been a bad texter, will initiate conversations and always replies but gives short responses, isn't good at asking questions etc. but treats me well in person and makes an effort. I was happy to talk to him since I hadn't much since he was gone so I was asking him questions trying to keep a convo going etc. Last night I asked him a question about his work,real estate(again trying to keep the convo going), he replied, and since i was in bed I said " ahh okay. Shows what I know. I feel like so many people around me are selling because their kids are going off to school, ill have to put your work calendars in my kitchen! Have a good night, I hope your jet lags getting better. Sleep well :)" no response. I know I was ending the convo but he usually texts back saying good night or something. I always talk like that but maybe it felt like I was trying to carry the conversation too many times these past couple days..? Or that I was overstepping asking to help out with his work? Should I pull back and wait a day to text him? Im starting to second guess myself now that I haven't heard from him

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Text conversations aren't everyone's thing. If you guys are at the point where you're sleeping with each other and he isn't a big texter, he will probably put less effort in.

    It's hard to play it cool when you like someone (I get it), but generally bombarding someone with attention and affection when they are not responding in kind is not the way to go. Don't think of it as pulling back. Think of it as refocusing on yourself and other parts of your life for a couple days. If you do that, you'll feel less stressed and invested in how this guy does or doesn't respond.

    And remember, it is okay if you get disappointed if he doesn't respond the way you want or this involvement doesn't work out! It stops being fun when you let anxiety control the experience and this guy can probably sense that you're trying too hard. Relax.

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    I personally loathe having general conversations through text. For me, it's tedious. I use texting when making a plan, to exchange information about something specific, or touch base briefly. I don't use it for general chit-chat, and never really have.

    Your guy sounds like me, in the sense that he doesn't view texting as a medium of conversation. It doesn't mean he's not "good" at messaging; it means he doesn't use it for the same purpose that you do. Don't take it personally if he's not engaging that way or making general conversation, nor if he forgets to wish you goodnight. Especially if he's been traveling, he probably is tired and ready to put down the phone for a while.

    Let him reach out to you now. You wished him goodnight, so let him lob the ball back to re-establish contact. And if you sense he's not into texting, don't get your hopes up that it will change. It's just who he is, and not necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you.

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    Originally Posted by Taralynnski

    Last night I asked him a question about his work,real estate(again trying to keep the convo going), he replied, and since i was in bed I said " ahh okay. Shows what I know. I feel like so many people around me are selling because their kids are going off to school, ill have to put your work calendars in my kitchen! Have a good night, I hope your jet lags getting better. Sleep well :)" no response.
    Sweetie, stop worrying, your text was fine! Your text did not warrant a response.

    Sure he could have replied "you too" or something but it wasn't necessary.

    But yeah going forward, step back from texting a bit, give him a chance to step up. Let him wonder about you, miss you, it builds attraction.

    Me thinks you're trying too hard, pushing, and that can be a bit of a turn off in these very early stages.

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  6. #5
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    When does he plan to see you again?

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    we don't have plans to see each other as yet.. we usually make plans the day before . I was planning to not text him today then tomorrow reach out and see if he wants to get together...

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Taralynnski
    we don't have plans to see each other as yet.. we usually make plans the day before . I was planning to not text him today then tomorrow reach out and see if he wants to get together...
    How about trying something different.

    Don't reach out, do your own thing and let him reach out. Let him be the one to suggest getting together again.

    You're coming off too easy, chasing, it's an attraction killer.

    Relax! Let him wonder about you a bit. Follow his lead.

    You can reciprocate but as it stands now you're doing all the chasing.

    You texted last, he didn't respond. Don't reward that behavior by texting him again and asking him out, big mistake.

    The girl he falls for will be the girl who does not chase him, does not text him all the time, does not suggest getting together.

    He'll be be chasing (pursuing) her! And she will be reciprocating in her own way.

    Do you have friends or family you can hang with so you're not waiting on him all the time?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-29-2019 at 09:05 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I know a lot of people who either don't like texting (emailing, messaging, phone calls, too) or they're not good at it. Typing is not easy for many and their social graces are unrefined. However, they're great to get along with in person! Some people are a joy to be with, you can talk for hours together, they're easing going, natural, kind, very nice and it's all quite pleasant. Perhaps this guy falls into this category. I know it's hard to accept how he is in this electronic information age but it's a fact for many. They're just not adept at constant, endless instant replies back 'n forth. Keep in mind, for a lot of people, texting is time consuming and turns into a time trap. They have a life, too. They have things to do, people are very busy with their own lives, schedules, they need to be productive and industrious as opposed to treating a cell phone like a ball 'n chain.

    I think you should back off and give him time, space and breathing room. Don't suffocate and smother him. Too much familiarity breeds contempt. Since he's better at getting along in person, concentrate on your times in-person times together. Know that when you're not together, he's unenthusiastic or lacks the desire to constantly correspond via text. Everyone's personality is different which you need to accept if you want the relationship to endure.

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    I would focus on what happens in person AND his phone calls if that is how he prefers. Save up all your chat for those situations. I will say saying that you will put his work calendar in your kitchen is a little much, though. It implies you want him to stay over more.

  11. #10
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    Thanks for the advice! I guess I just felt from the beginning like maybe I wasn't showing my interest enough, sometimes I would not text him for a day or two then when we would start texting again he would make sure to say " talk to you tomorrow" so I felt like he wanted to be in contact.Since the beginning he's set up all the plans etc. and made the effort to text me a few times from his vacation. I didn't want it to seem like I was not interested because I never initiated plans etc. But maybe I over did it now that he's back from vacation. You are right though, I sent the last text, and it was a very nice and wordy one hah, probably best if I leave the ball in his court.

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