Just want an outside opinion on this friend situation

Where I work, I was friendly with a guy who recently quit, and he invited me and some other of his former coworkers to his out-of-town wedding which was about a 4-hour drive away. The wedding was this past weekend.

So, I knew several people going, and I was committed to going but my husband couldn't go because he was working on final projects with urgent deadlines.

One of my current coworkers was planning to go and to stay in a hotel, but he didn't want to drive, so he was looking for someone to drive with, and split the hotel. I agreed. (Just in case this sounds weird, going with a guy while I'm married, he's gay, I'm a woman, and I've worked with him for years. We're friendly at work but don't hang out much outside of work - maybe we hung out 2-3 times in a group setting).

So here's what ended up happening: I drove the whole way there and back. He pitched in for gas. He got the hotel room reserved.

When we got there, the hotel was totally disgusting and not clean. Whatever. Went to the wedding. Fun, reception. I had three drinks at the reception and toward the end of the night, I blacked out. I don't know how or why I blacked out. All I remember is waking up the next morning in the hotel bed, fully dressed, and my coworker was sort of laughing at me for getting wasted the night before. But the weird thing is, I don't remember getting drunk. I have never blacked out like that before. What's especially strange is that, when I have gotten very drunk before, I always got sick and/or had a killer hangover. This time, I wasn't very hung over. I felt tired, dehydrated, a bit of a headache but not nauseated or head-pounding/light-sensitive like a usual hangover.

I still had to drive home though, because this guy said he didn't feel comfortable driving.

Today I am really mad at this coworker because he told everyone at my office about me getting wasted at the wedding and passing out.

And then, he also told me about how he had complained about the hotel to their manager and he got refunded half the price of the room. But I still had already paid him my half of the room and he didn't refund me any of the money he got back.

I told my husband about it and he thinks I must have simply had too much and he feels sympathetic to me but he also thinks I should have been more responsible.

As for his opinion about my coworker, he thinks it was petty of him to tell everyone at work about my over-drinking, but that I shouldn't expect him to give me any of the hotel refund back, since he was the one who complained to the manager and earned the refund. But I think, I could have complained but it wasn't on my credit card so I couldn't rightfully ask for a refund from the hotel. And I did agree to drive, accepting his gas money, so again, it was my decision to agree to all of these bill-splitting terms. Furthermore, my husband said that this coworker had to put up with me being drunk and passed out, and that he got me safely back to the hotel so I may even in fact owe him a favor.

What do you all think?

Edit/Addition: I should add that, come to think of it, I don't think I ever apologized to this coworker for blacking out, or really thanked him for getting me back to the hotel. Maybe I did, I can't remember what I said when I was asking him what happened, trying to piece things together. If I was that drunk I must have been so out of it, he probably had to walk me to the bed. I was so disoriented and confused by the whole thing the next day, and a little scared and worried, that I wasn't thinking about it from his perspective. So maybe he was mad at me for not apologizing or thanking him, and annoyed over my being such a handful, so maybe that's why he laughed at me with everyone and spread this embarrassing story.

I have no idea about why you blacked out and felt no ill effects afterward. I will say that I feel your co-worker was way out of line telling everyone at the office that you got wasted and passed out. That was not only very disrespectful to you but very thoughtless and immature on his part. I also think that he should have had the sheer courtesy to give you half of what he got back from the hotel. IMO, he is a total jerk. And, NO, you don't owe him any favours. What he did (helping you back to the hotel) was just what people do in a situation like this. A thank you from you would have been sufficient. Do thank him if you didn't already.

I would also express my annoyance at him telling the office what happened. But that's just me.

I think your co-worker, the one who spread the rumor, sounds like a bit of a butt, but at the same time when you get blackout drunk in public, this is kinda what you're asking for. As for why you didn't feel as terrible the next day, there are a lot of factors that affect your hangover. You may have threw up and don't remember it.

You should talk to your co-worker. Be honest, tell him you blacked out and don't remember anything and ask him what you did. Apologize if it sounds like you were a handful, but also request that he not go around spreading rumors about you. If it hurt your feelings or embarrassed you, tell him that.

Oh, and as for the money, if it sounds like your co-worker had to babysit you all night, i'd forget about it. You need to get info on what happened and how you behaved.

I will try to talk to him. I guess I feel so injured especially because I didn't mean to drink too much. I think I must have been already dehydrated or something, or maybe the drinks were much stronger than I expected. Maybe my tolerance was down. It's true that I didn't each much at the reception.

You need to get the difference in the room rate. How much money are we talking about? Your husband is wrong.

Your coworker should have kept his mouth shut about your drinking. Next time, watch how much you are consuming.

It sounds like you may have had more to drink than you realized. And you passed out. It's easy to do...the drinks are easier going down after a few! Since you awoke safe, I think you are OK.

Your friend sounds a little petty for telling everyone at work, but he may have done that as a passive aggressive way of returning the favor: perhaps he was really bugged by your drunkenness and his way of expressing his irritation is telling people. It's not the most mature thing, but people do it. A Lot.

Being that the hotel was nasty, I would hope that the cost of the room was not high. Let that part go; don't press him for reimbursement--you weren't expecting that initially. Laugh off the talk of your drunkenness (there will be another office story to steal people's attention anyway). And be more careful next time.

"I only had a couple of drinks, I just don't know what happened...." - says every blackout drunk ever.....

Look, you lost control and yes, you owe an apology or two, not only to your coworker who had to deal with you, but others as well. You became a liability on other people who had to take care of you and that tends to put a real damper on other people's enjoyment of the party and the wedding.

You want to squabble about hotel money after you acted like a jerk? Please don't.

Your husband is actually right on every single point.

you should have apologized to your friend for getting so drunk when you woke up. The apology and thanks for him getting back to your room unscathed (you could have been take advantage of by someone else or just left there, you know? or the hotel could have called the cops not knowing where you belonged) would have gone a long way to head off any gossip that might have ensued.

It was not right for him to spread talk, but the talk was the truth, so there's that.

I don't think your friend is in the right with talking about it - but are you sure he "told everyone" or did someone asked - what happened to Rhiannon? I looked for her later at the reception and didn't see her.." and he told what happened and it spread that way?

So bottom line, i think that you are embarrassed about what happened and you are taking it out on him

"I only had a couple of drinks, I just don't know what happened...." - says every blackout drunk ever.....

 

Look, you lost control and yes, you owe an apology or two, not only to your coworker who had to deal with you, but others as well. You became a liability on other people who had to take care of you and that tends to put a real damper on other people's enjoyment of the party and the wedding.

 

You want to squabble about hotel money after you acted like a jerk? Please don't.

 

Your husband is actually right on every single point.

Was the guy out of line touting how ****-faced you got? Sure. But it was a wedding, not a work function. And unless you've got some reputation of excess drinking among your co-workers, they likely just believe you're human after all. And as DF suggests, this dude wasn't your husband or father, or otherwise someone beholden to your well-being. That this guy seemed to make sure you made it to the room and bed alright is a fair enough trade for making light of it. I also wouldn't be expecting money someone else negotiated for. It'd be nice if he offered you the difference, but at the end of the day, you wouldn't have gotten it regardless.

The talk is not the problem. The problem is to be in denial about your personal responsibility to not drink to excess. I guarantee you that this guy you're mad at is not the only one who was spreading the gossip around.

The difference is he made sure you were safely returned to the hotel room unmolested. And that in itself is worth you dropping your annoyance over the room bill.

I will try to talk to him. I guess I feel so injured especially because I didn't mean to drink too much. I think I must have been already dehydrated or something, or maybe the drinks were much stronger than I expected. Maybe my tolerance was down. It's true that I didn't each much at the reception.

OP you are blaming everything and everybody but the body that actually consumed the alcohol.

Yea I mean your friend was being a gossip in telling everyone what happened but it’s not like he was lying... and that’s the risk you run when you choose to have more than a couple of drinks at a time and end up making a fool out of yourself.

My guess is that you weren’t paying attention to what you were consuming vs it being all those other factors.

I am concerned that your drinks were spiked perhaps?? But I am surprised that you drank more than one drink/very socially at a function with coworkers there -even though it was a non-work event. And how did you get back to the hotel if you were supposed to drive/why did you drink if you knew you were going to have to drive (maybe you didn't).

I think that your coworkers should find your colleague spreading this kind of gossip really ridiculous -I wouldn't want to hear about it or if I was there for the story I'd unhear it. I remember many years ago working on a weekend and a coworker who likely was bullimic got sick in the ladies room -huge mess. I walked in to use the restroom. She looked panicked "please do not mention to anyone that I got sick." Of course I didn't -why would I? Why would he? Sounds like he was retaliating for what he felt was your lack of appreciation for him taking care of you after the wedding.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound supportive and seems to enjoy blaming the whole mess on you.

my husband said that this coworker had to put up with me being drunk and passed out, and that he got me safely back to the hotel so I may even in fact owe him a favor.

I always like to pick the perspective that makes it easiest for me to move forward with less stress on my own stomach lining. Deciding that coworker is now an adversary would NOT be that. I'd rather adopt husband's POV and thank the coworker for getting me to the room safely, and I'd recognize that whatever fun he's had with the gossip will quickly pass--nobody cares about that stuff.

I'd also make it a point to never walk away from my drink in public. Gone are the days when we can leave drinks on a table or a bar to hit the dance floor and then return to sip it. Someone may have drugged your drink, and you're lucky to be here today without having been robbed or overdosed.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I hope you'll opt to see the safe outcome of the experience as worth the price you've paid for a room you would have had to pay for on your own anyway.

Late yesterday afternoon I asked my coworker if we could take a walk together. I formally apologized for making him put up with me being a hot mess, and thanked him again for taking care of me at the wedding. It turns out, I had apologized and thanked him that morning after, but it was not so heartfelt then, since I was also just waking up like "duh wha happen me?" I explained that I never meant to even get drunk much less...all that.

He was nice about it and he explained that he was also really, really drunk as well, actually said he meant to get drunk. (The hotel was walking distance to the reception so drunk driving was never an issue that night). He said it was no big deal. I didn't say anything to him about his hotel refund, or about the gossiping.

People at work have made some little jokes and comments and I just laugh it off and try to say something like "do I know how to party or what? Ha ha" so hopefully it will get to be old news. This coworker gossips about everybody so hopefully his gossiping about me says more about him than it does about me.

And it wasn't a work function, it was a friend's wedding. There were about three or four people there I knew from work but not people I work closely with on a daily basis. My work is pretty independent of them. So I don't think it impedes our work together, them knowing I am fallible.

I have wondered if my drink was spiked, like a roofie or something. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up, TBH. But I can't imagine who or when or why that would have happened. And nothing happened to me so, if that did happen then I'm OK so, close call I guess.

I just laughed it off and tried to say something like "do I know how to party or what? Ha ha"

That's a good way to diffuse it.

And you know, it wasn't a work function, it was a friend's wedding. T

It really does not matter. People from work were there. If a teacher is at a wedding that is not a work function and a couple of her student's parents are there, if she makes a pass at someone underaged or says things that are offensive to the main ethnicity of her students, even if she is not at school and its caught on camera, she will pay for it at her place of business and suffer the consequences from parents/coworkers. your conduct in public or wherever carries to other parts of your life.

I think you need to let it go. It's in the past. Just remain professional, polite, respectful, cordial, respectful and well mannered at the work place. You can't do anything about your co-worker's loose lips. All you can do is to prove you are a good person with your good, exemplary behavior. Let your coworkers be the judge of that by you just being a good, very decent person. Carry yourself with poise and aplomb and you will be fine.

When you can have a private 1:1 moment with the guy gay co-worker, thank him nicely for helping you when you were drunk. Be sincere and kind. He will appreciate your sincerity and humble attitude. Take care of this, get it over and done with so both of you can move forward in a mentally healthy way.

Late yesterday afternoon I asked my coworker if we could take a walk together. I formally apologized for making him put up with me being a hot mess, and thanked him again for taking care of me at the wedding. It turns out, I had apologized and thanked him that morning after, but it was not so heartfelt then, since I was also just waking up like "duh wha happen me?" I explained that I never meant to even get drunk much less...all that.

 

He was nice about it and he explained that he was also really, really drunk as well, actually said he meant to get drunk. (The hotel was walking distance to the reception so drunk driving was never an issue that night). He said it was no big deal. I didn't say anything to him about his hotel refund, or about the gossiping.

 

People at work have made some little jokes and comments and I just laugh it off and try to say something like "do I know how to party or what? Ha ha" so hopefully it will get to be old news. This coworker gossips about everybody so hopefully his gossiping about me says more about him than it does about me.

 

And it wasn't a work function, it was a friend's wedding. There were about three or four people there I knew from work but not people I work closely with on a daily basis. My work is pretty independent of them. So I don't think it impedes our work together, them knowing I am fallible.

 

I have wondered if my drink was spiked, like a roofie or something. That was the first thing I thought when I woke up, TBH. But I can't imagine who or when or why that would have happened. And nothing happened to me so, if that did happen then I'm OK so, close call I guess.

Great work! You're handling this beautifully. Nobody at work is going to remember second hand gossip about something as common as drinking when they, themselves, didn't witness it. Letting coworker off the hook is smart, not only because you would have needed to pay full price for a room anyway, but also because you'll need to continue working with him--and holding hard feelings for someone on the job is self-punishing with zero payoff. Someone who admits to intentionally trying to get blasted doesn't view such a thing as a terrible outcome--so his fun at your expense isn't likely malicious.

While you may not be able to come up with a plausible reason for someone to have spiked your drink, its possible that a fellow guest, employee or crashing stranger may have spiked the drinks of several guests to observe which may have ended up the most vulnerable target at the end of the night. So your travel back to your room with your roommate may have spared you a bad outcome.

Head high.

You did the right thing, Rihannon. Humble, sincere gratitude goes a long way. Your coworker appreciated it. He was nice.

Now that you've since apologized, put this in the past and keep it there. No sense rehashing it.

In the future, be careful with booze though. Never walk away from your drink and then drink it because you can't prove it if it was spiked and tampered with. Also, self-control with the drinking. It's not fun getting plastered not to mention it endangers your safety especially as a woman and / or on the road. You don't want to be taken advantage of if you're inebriated.

I'm so glad you decided to take this approach and glad it is working out well at the end!!