He was my first love

It all started in 2010, we both were in high school and we fell in love. We moved really quickly, after 4-5 months we said “I love you” to each other. Everything went great, but then in the end of 2010 his grandmother passed away and his mother came home from The United Kingdom (she moved there in 2008) to support him. Long story short – she hates me. After year in the end of 2011 his grandfather passed away as well. He was completely devastated, because he was raised by his grandparents. In the New Year 2012 I moved in his house, because I didn’t want him to be alone. It was really hard time for us – taking care of house and garden by two high school students. Somehow in summer 2012 we graduated from high school.

My parents insisted on going to one of the best Universities in my country, so I got in and started to study in capital city. He stayed in hometown and started to study in local University, because he didn’t have money for studies. I felt bad for him – he really wanted to move to the capital city. Time went by and in the beginning of 2013 he dropped out, because he didn’t like local University. I tried to talk to him about important stuff – about other Universities, about money and income, about future plans, wedding and family. He answered “Can we talk later about this?”

I came home for summer and also his mother. His mother started to demand money from him. I stepped in and said that we don’t have any money to give her right now. And we had fights because of this. I felt like he always is choosing her not me. After summer I went back to University, our communication wasn’t good and I decided to confront him. I gave him 2 weeks to decide what are his future plans. His answer was “I don’t know” so I got my things and moved out.

I was heartbroken and I partied for a while. He also partied. After 4-5 moths (beginning of 2014) we met at local club, word by word, drink by drink and I woke up in his bed. The next morning, he begged me to get back together, he even had tears in his eyes. I thought about it for 2 weeks and we got back together.

Everything went good, I went back to University, he found well paid seasonal job in Sweden. At the beginning I wasn’t happy about it, but I got used to it. In summer 2015 I graduated from University and came back home. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find job in my hometown so in 2016 I went back to capital city and started to work in car dealership.

He wasn’t happy about it, but he still refused to communicate about important stuff. Every time I mentioned marriage he answered “I don’t feel financially ready for it” or “I love you, but not right now” or “I wanted it to be surprise, now you ruined it and I have to do something else”. So I patiently waited. One more thing – if he made promise to his friends or mother and me, he firstly did the thing he promised his friends or mother and then the thing he promised to do for me. I still am really hurt about this, because I put him in first place thousand times.

All time I was working in car dealership he asked me to leave work and come back to hometown. After summer 2018 I decided to come home, we were in really good place and I was still patiently waiting for some good signs about marriage in future. At that point we were together for more than 8 years.

I came back home, started to study in local University because I couldn’t find job again. We went on vacation with my family, after that he went back to work to Sweden. I got some new friends in University. We had some parties, we talked about friends and relationships and somehow I understood I wasn’t happy in my relationship, I love him, but I’m not in love anymore. So I messaged him that we need to have serious talk and this time it is going to happen. He wasn’t too happy about it, but agreed.

He was coming home in 3 days. Those were the worst days in my life – I cried all time, I couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep, I was a mess. From mutual friends I found out that he was angry and aggressive all 3 days before coming home. We talked, I cried a lot and we decided to break up. The next day I moved out (again). It was just before Christmas.

After month we again met on local club and history repeated itself – I woke up in his bed. But this time he said nothing, we had breakfast and I went home. We stayed in touch and one day he admitted that he is going to Sweden tomorrow and is staying there for a year, because he wants to earn some extra money and nothing is holding him back anymore.

Before he left, I wrote him a love letter and dropped in his bag. He was really touched when he found the letter and said that he would love me forever. For a while everything was good, he even made plans for us when he gets back from Sweden, he sent me big flower bouquet for Valentine’s day and my birthday.

Now I found out that not only the moment while we both were heart broken, but also now he is saying:

- that he isn’t ever getting married;

- I was really demanding and bad for him;

- he was relieved when we broke up, because I was pressuring him all the time;

- he isn’t even considering getting back together.

I just don’t understand how can you say all those things so publicly about person who you love… Yes, I was wrong in some points of relationship, but if I was so bad, why stay in relationship for so long? I’m feeling so down, I haven’t messaged him for 2 weeks. I know the best thing is to move on, but I feel so broken and worthless… I'm 26 now and I feel like I have wasted almost 9 years in this relationship and my youth.

Sorry for the long text.

See, this is why it is called First love, because you are supposed to follow it up. This relationship is no good for you, I don't know that it ever has been, and you are throwing away your interests and well being for no freaking reason.

Let's go over some bad decisions: Putting yourself between his mother and him. Always, always stupid unless she is coming at him with a gun. In all relationships you handle yours, he handles his.

Sticking around forever while he made no progress on career or education and magically expecting that to change.

Leaving a good job in a good city because of the possibility that you might get married -- and why would this be so great?

You get back together only because you get drunk.

You make a decision to dump him based on the input of your "new' friends and then are just so hurt that he is not planning a long term relationship.

You have put WAY too much time into this and not enough into your own maturity and well being. First, go find a job, a good job, likely out of this hometown. Second, get a therapist and work through your low standards and obsession with this very uninteresting person. Third, stop dating and getting wildly drunk until you have become a stronger, more mature person. Your goals now should be YOUR future -- start building a career, savings, better friends, live a healthy life. It is amazing how focusing on these things instead of the immature, on again/off again relationship will vastly improve your life.

You haven't wasted 8 years. You have some good memories you can cherish one day. And you also have learned valuable lessons of what you don't want in a partner, and that should help you to one day choose one more wisely.

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. He showed you over and over again that you weren't a priority. That's on you for staying so long when you could see that.

The human brain isn't fully formed until about age 25. You shouldn't have been making major decisions like moving in with him before the decision-making portion of your brain was fully formed.

You are going to have to make a clean break from him for closure. Tell him that for the good of both of you, that you both need to delete each other's contact info/social media, etc. You will have to go through all the mourning stages before getting to the healing stage. And don't expect that will be a quick process after 8 years together. It might take a good year. In the meantime, think about your psychology of words. You are not broken or worthless. You're a normal human being who loved someone but he wasn't right for you, so you're moving on. Take care.

I agree that this relationship had been holding you back. Thankfully, you still went on to do your studies and such, so you didn't waste important chunks of your life away for it. Don't worry about the time wasted, as long as you got nice memories out of it that's all that really matters now that nothing can be done about it anymore. Surely you would have had a lot to gain had you experienced a variety of people rather than only him for so long, but for now all you can do is sigh in relief and get on with the rest of your life. You're not worthless at all - there's still a bright future ahead for you and plenty of life to experience.

Sounds like you two just grew into people too different to be compatible a while ago, and it is right to end. He sounds uninterested in personal development, and frankly uninterested in being with you or someone like you. I can't know for sure whether you really were too demanding or pressuring him 'all the time', but I know that if he believes that about you and you really can't see why, there's no reason to keep going. You're going to grow so much and be so much better off without this overly prolonged burden in your life. Just make sure to take care of yourself and not be reckless in an attempt to 'fully enjoy life'. Good luck!

Not sure why his mother came to support him when she didn’t raise him and he still had his grandfather at that point?

And what do you mean by how he “publicly” said those things?

Unfortunately you took this much more seriously than he did. Unfortunately the distance and your conflicts didn't help. It's best this is behind you and you're free to date local guys with similar goals. It's not a loss because you learned not to pressure and talk about money, future, weddings, etc and that you have to try to get along with their people and family. Don't act like a fiance/wife when you're just dating on/off.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice! Really appreciate it and needed it.

Honestly I have no idea why she came home.

Maybe “publicly” isn’t the right term. I meant – he is telling all those things to our mutual friends and our mutual friends tell their other halfs and so on. He never said anything bad to me about our relationship, so I was really upset when I heard it from other people.