Boyfriend just had a bit of a wobble...

 

...not the fact that he didn't get a certificate from the One Year Single School

LOL!! Thanks for that blue, I was in dire need of a huge chuckle today, that did the trick!

In fact, I nearly spit the diet coke I am drinking outta my mouth (bad girl for drinking that crap, I know).

Ok in all seriousness, that was a really great post imo; I 100% agree with everything you said.

Thanks cat feeder. Do you really think it’s impossible to move on whilst you’re still married? Even if it’s for technical reasons? Everything that he has shown me up until now has given me the impression that he was ready and does want this. And of course this wobble has made me rethink that and hope that what we have had so far has been real and true.

 

But I dunno, I totally totally hear what you’re saying, but on the other hand I’m also reluctant to throw this away. Also... I have never had a relationship like this before. For the past 10 years I’ve been treated badly. This guy treats me well...with respect, honesty and openness. I don’t doubt that we need to find whether our balance works and whether he’s ready to give me what I want/need from a relationship but I’m reluctant to just close the door on something that could also be so ‘right’

The idea behind walking away isn't to throw him away, it's to preserve any future potential by allowing him to stabilize on his own. From there you'll learn whether he'll want to pursue a commitment with you when he's ready, in which case you can trust that he's fully IN. Isn't that preferable to hanging on only to doubt that the reason he's still with you may be that he invested prematurely, and once he started to doubt his course, he ended up sticking around for the time being just to avoid hurting you?

I see people above debating the calendar rules after divorce, but the reason I raised backing off to avoid positioning yourself badly as a rebound is this:

He says that his life is a bit of a mess at the moment. ...He says that when he met me he had spent a lot of time healing and was just ready to start really enjoying being single ...

That's the place he needs to live through--enjoying being single--before both of you can fully trust his investment in you as a valid choice beyond leapfrogging from one commitment to the next.

This isn't about you deciding whether you can trust his judgment, it's about HIM being able to trust his own judgment. That's not something we can manipulate into another by sticking around and hanging on.

Head high, and read my sig.

Interesting thread this one is turning into.

 

He was gung-ho quick, twisting the throttle all the way. Always intoxicating, that, but often a sign that someone is running away from something (unresolved feelings, a messy situation, pain, etc.) as much as they're moving fast into something. Emotional unavailability, in short, dressed up as the opposite. How do you know if it's the opposite? Generally when someone starts tapping hard on the brakes and saying things like, "My life is a mess right now."

 

Were there signs of this before the wobble?

 

There were signs that there were certain aspects of his life that he was unhappy with but he has always maintained that he’s been very happy with me up until now. There are things he has wanted to change....his job, his working pattern, his salary, him always being tired because of that. But he always said that he was very happy with me and our relationship.

He said that our relationship has urged him to make some big changes with the things he is unhappy with in his life and plan more for the future which I sense is what he meant by ‘my life is a bit of a mess at the moment.’

His job played a big part in the amount of time he was ‘available’ to spend with his ex (as did hers) and he has always said that going forward he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

He’s had a few stressful, big decisions to make over the past couple of months. I think he became a little more withdrawn and I think that shook me up a bit and made me question whether it was about me. And in return from me questioning it, I think it’s made him ask some questions too. But after airing those questions he then said he does want this to continue...I think he just wishes he’s already made these changes before he had met me.

This is a man who tends to have an incredibly positive outlook on life but he has really shaken that up.

Interesting thread this one is turning into.

 

How long have you been concerned, even during the sweetest moments of the honeymoon, about whether he is fully present with you? (I use that word "present" because I think it's something you can detect and feel pretty quickly, even while you're both leaning into full "commitment" at different paces.) How much of your emotional bonding has come from him dissecting his past relationship and talking about it in general? How interested does he seem in your emotional truths—who you are, where you've been, how you're feeling—that aren't connected to the relationship but simply the singular being that is you? Does he seem to have space to take interest in that—in the story of you as opposed to just the ways you help him tell a story about himself?

Honestly...I always felt he was very present. That doesn’t mean it’s been perfect, of course it hasn’t. But we’ve always been very very open. If something was bothering me (e.g. wanting to see him more) He has always encouraged me to talk to him, and vice versa. Then it was dealt with, with no resentment or judging. Not what I’m used to at all. Guys in the past used to run a mile but, If anything, he has encouraged me to let my guard down and become very emotionally open worth him.

There has been a shift in his behaviour since he changed his career and its certainly not his perfect situation yet so that is still hanging over him. This has meant he’s been a little more withdrawn than usual, and given that he’s always encouraged me to be open I have asked why and checked in that he is ok. He has always maintained that he’s very happy with me. So this has very much been a short term thing. Which has why it’s left me in a bit of a shock.

He has always been very interested in my story. He knows I’ve been treated badly in the past and that I’ve been hurt. He’s always made me feel very secure.

All I know at the moment is that I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve definitely become a little more guarded around him. And I’m pretty sure he can sense that. But I need to know for sure that he’s still in this properly

Of course, there is risk in any relationship you enter that it won't work out. Don't let that eat you alive though. I do think we have identified some of the issues of why he pumped the brakes on you and it is more to do with emotional and time pressure to see him and to maintain that intensity you had early on. You need to allow the relationship to normalize. The fact that he is communicating with you and trying to sort this out rather than just run for the hills, I think is promising for continuing to build a healthy relationship. You've only known each other for 6 months....so long ways to go before you can figure out if there really is a future there.

I have definitely tried to maintain the intensity of the dating stage. When real life kicked in we couldn’t maintain it. Given that I’ve not had a proper relationship in years...I think I started to panic. He maintained that it was not a reflection of his feelings changing, if anything his feelings were growing, but of real life kicking in and an inability to maintain the amount we were seeing each other/ staying up until the early hours/ going to work exhausted.

Moving forward, all you can do is continue observing and paying attention to his actions, and whether or not his words match those actions.

When we're infatuated and falling in love, it's very easy to take his "words" at face value, but there is a lot going on here under the surface that's not being addressed.

As objective observers, based on what you've shared, many of us can see it, but you can't which I totally understand; I myself lived in a sort of never-never land for many years w my ex. After 5.5 years, we even got engaged, planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii.

Never realizing, all that time, he had a sort of "hidden agenda" that I knew nothing about. Partly my fault for refusing to take those "rose colored glasses" off, and I take responsibility for that. Lesson learned.

I am not saying your bf is not being legit, he very well may be, and as he said, and you agreed, things just need to "normalize." I hope so!

I will say that my relationship with my current bf started off pretty intense too, lots of texting, late night calls, lots and lots of sex.

But after some time, there was a gradual lessening of that. There was no him suddenly putting on the breaks, or having a "wobble" or making any sort of issue about it.

In your case, this all seems like unnecessary drama imo, which could be indicative iof deeper issues on his part that were firmly set way before you came along, and your issues as well to which you've admitted.

So again, just continue observing actions, dial it back a bit, and lower expectations.

Stop discussing it (gets old and is draining) and simply enjoy your developing relationship with your feet firmly on the ground. Let it play out gradually and organically -- no pushing.

I really do hope this all works out for you, I truly do.

Best of luck to both of you!

Thank you Katrina. And thank you for all the Advice. I am listening to you and it has made me think...I really do appreciate it. One day at a time moving forwards now. I will keep you updated x x

I have definitely tried to maintain the intensity of the dating stage. When real life kicked in we couldn’t maintain it. Given that I’ve not had a proper relationship in years...I think I started to panic. He maintained that it was not a reflection of his feelings changing, if anything his feelings were growing, but of real life kicking in and an inability to maintain the amount we were seeing each other/ staying up until the early hours/ going to work exhausted.

Well....he has been as clear as a person can be that he likes you, he wants to continue dating you and see where this goes, but that he cannot maintain the kind of intensity and time demands that you seem to need. So now it's on you whether you choose to take it the wrong way, continue panicking and wreck what you have going on, or chill out and adjust to something more realistic and sustainable long term. This is more about your insecurity than anything else.

If he was done, it's easy enough for him to drop you and walk away. He is trying to make this work, but he needs you to understand that and come on board with him on this journey. If your response/reaction is that I need what I need and I need to talk until 5 am every night, yes he will throw in the towel and walk away because you are too needy and he can't do that. The ball is your court here. Do you want a sustainable relationship or just the high of high intensity drama?

Well....he has been as clear as a person can be that he likes you, he wants to continue dating you and see where this goes, but that he cannot maintain the kind of intensity and time demands that you seem to need. So now it's on you whether you choose to take it the wrong way, continue panicking and wreck what you have going on, or chill out and adjust to something more realistic and sustainable long term. This is more about your insecurity than anything else.

 

If he was done, it's easy enough for him to drop you and walk away. He is trying to make this work, but he needs you to understand that and come on board with him on this journey. If your response/reaction is that I need what I need and I need to talk until 5 am every night, yes he will throw in the towel and walk away because you are too needy and he can't do that. The ball is your court here. Do you want a sustainable relationship or just the high of high intensity drama?

Very wise words dancingfool - and ones I think I needed to hear. Thank you xx

Hi - unfortunately I find myself in a very similar position to you... did some googling and found this thread - am dying to know how its worked out for you....?  I feel broken! 😞

2 hours ago, littlerobo said:

Hi - unfortunately I find myself in a very similar position to you... did some googling and found this thread - am dying to know how its worked out for you....?  I feel broken! 😞

This is a 2 1/2 year old thread. Unlikely you will get a response after such a long time.