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Should We Break Up?


T4ron

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Just looking for an outsiders perspective on this.

 

My boyfriend and I live five minutes away from each other at the moment, however I want to move closer to my child's school (which is about 25 minutes away) and he wants to stay here to be closer to his child.

We've talked about moving in together but obviously can't if we both want to be in different places.

 

I am using a lot of money on petrol to get to school and it's taking up quite a bit of time to get there and back, my child also doesn't get invited on many play dates as the other children think she lives too far away. So I feel like it would be better for us to move closer.

I completely understand my boyfriends want to stay closer to his child (he has his child one day a week and every other weekend) , so would never try and force him to move further away.

 

I used to live closer to our school when we met and our relationship was good, but since moving closer to him we only see each other once or twice a week. Usually on a night when he sleeps over and then leaves in the morning. I've recently stopped us having sleepovers as I don't want this kind of relationship, I want to see him during the day and spend time with him. He says he loves me and he's comfortable, so we don't have to try as hard..... but I'm not comfortable and I'm not 100% sure whether I do love him. I do like him a lot and I don't want to break up over something that can be overcome.

 

I'm just thinking that when I do move further away, will we see each other the same or less. I get annoyed now that he's not willing to drive five minutes to my house, now that he's comfortable I don't know if he'll be happy to drive 25 minutes.

 

I'd like to talk to him about it but I don't know if I should wait closer to the time (I've got two months left on my rental contract) or what to really say.

 

Like I said, I don't want to break up over something that can be overcome but if there's no option for us to move in together one day (my child has around 10 years left of school), then would it be better for us to call it a day?

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Put your child first. A 25 min drive would not make or break it, if this situation were right for you. It sounds more based on complacency and convenience than this being the right guy/situation for you. Move and if it falls apart, you'll have your answer.

I want to move closer to my child's school (which is about 25 minutes away) and he wants to stay here to be closer to his child.

 

I'm not comfortable and I'm not 100% sure whether I do love him.

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My child is always number one to me. I wasn't in any way asking if I should stay or go, I am definitely going to move closer to school as soon as I can.

 

I was just asking for opinions on whether we should break up before I move and what I should consider saying when talking to him about it.

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So you do want to break up? If you mean it, do it now and start the healing process. Any person who wont drive 25 mins to see the person they supposedly are in a relationship with is pretty damn selfish. A compromise would be for each of you to move about half way to the other, while being near to schools and kids.

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“ I get annoyed now that he's not willing to drive five minutes to my house, now that he's comfortable I don't know if he'll be happy to drive 25 minutes“

 

Doesn’t sound like he’s that interested in you?

Why are you allowing this man to sleep over at your child’s home?

You say your child is your number one priority yet allow that when you aren’t even sure you love him? And why would you have even discussed living with him when you aren’t sure you love him?

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Just wondering why you haven't considered moving your child to another school?

 

 

Kids are pretty resilient and lots of families relocate and kids need to change schools.

 

I would never consider relocating my kids just to keep a guy.

 

Kids come first. Or, they should. I applaud the OP for being a good, responsible mother.

 

I would wait and see if this man makes an effort. I personally wouldn't tolerate a "sleep over only" pseudo relationship.

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You should move closer to the school. You have a live in child, he does not. Twenty five miles is not far for him to travel.

 

Why do you only see one another twice a week, and at night? He won't drive five miles to your house: selfish? Why are you even dating this guy?

 

You should be putting the welfare of your child, first. I have a feelings that this guy will fade away. He doesn't seem to care.

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“ I get annoyed now that he's not willing to drive five minutes to my house, now that he's comfortable I don't know if he'll be happy to drive 25 minutes“

 

Doesn’t sound like he’s that interested in you?

Why are you allowing this man to sleep over at your child’s home?

You say your child is your number one priority yet allow that when you aren’t even sure you love him? And why would you have even discussed living with him when you aren’t sure you love him?

 

I was thinking the same.

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I mean....what you are describing isn't really a relationship but more of just a casual, convenient fck buddy arrangement. You aren't happy and want more. You talked to him about it and he shot you down point blank. Soooo.....that's it. You already have an answer, even if one you don't like - this isn't going anywhere and won't get better.

 

He is comfortable with this arrangement and isn't willing to lift a finger to make any kind of an effort that would actually involve dating you or building an actual relationship with you. He comes over a few times a week, gets laid, goes home - that suits him. It obviously doesn't suit you, so why even worry about him or whether he'll see you even less if you move further away. Move, take care of yourself, do what you need to do for you and your child and forget this guy. Go out and date and find a guy who actually wants to date you, will make that effort, make you feel good and give you what you need - an actual real relationship and not just casual sleepovers. Raise your standards, expect more and don't settle. It's really not that hard to find a decent guy, you just have to learn to be ruthless in screening out users and losers.

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So you do want to break up? If you mean it, do it now and start the healing process. Any person who wont drive 25 mins to see the person they supposedly are in a relationship with is pretty damn selfish. A compromise would be for each of you to move about half way to the other, while being near to schools and kids.

 

I have suggested living half way, if we were to live together, but he wants to stay in the area he's already in.

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I haven't moved my child's school because she has health problems and this school has been really helpful, and I think moving schools will hurt her. We originally lived closer to the school, but had some problems with money so that's why we moved somewhere cheaper.

 

My child only sees him during school holidays and that's usually only once or twice a week when she plays with his child. He used to come over after he'd finished work at midnight and leave after she went to school, so they don't see each other very often.

The discussion about moving in together wasn't really a let's do it one, it was more if you're in a long term relationship it should happen one day and we can't do it if we can't agree on an area.

I personally believe you need to really get to know someone before falling in love with them, so that's the reason I'm not 100% sure I am in love with him. We've only been together a year, and I believe it takes time.

 

I do want a good worthy relationship but I had a really bad relationship with my child's father, so now I don't know if I'm giving up too early due to this insecurity or not.

I'm just curious as to whether it seems a good idea to wait until after I've moved and see how things go, or to break up before I move?

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Living 25 minutes apart is NOTHING. I still manage to see my partner 2-3 times a week and we live an hour apart. Your partner simply cannot be bothered to make the effort because he's not really invested in the relationship and it doesn't sound like you're too bothered either, so just do what's best for you and your child and if he calls time then so be it.

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You had a bad relationship with your child's father.....and now you continue to accept poor treatment by another guy.

 

In short, mentally, emotionally you still haven't worked out what a healthy relationship looks like, what a good man looks does and how you want to be treated.

 

I mean the guy tells you to your face that he can't be bothered to make an effort at all. Yet you keep fixating on making this work - maybe if I move closer, what if I move further, what if I move in with him.... For the love of...it.does.not.matter. He is who he is and he doesn't give a flying rat's azz. He still won't make any effort. OP......please get your head out of the sand. It's good to want a proper relationship, but you need to find a man who wants what you want. When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, you better believe him because he is telling you the absolute truth. Stop trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. Your perseverance will get you nothing but misery and pain. Healthy relationships aren't this hard, OP.

 

It doesn't matter when you dump him. Today, tomorrow, next week, before you move, after you move. Do it when it's convenient for you. Focus on you and you know what.....be single for a good while and work out your issues with relationships and what's driving you to tolerate being treated like dirt. Fix that before you try to date again.

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I haven't moved my child's school because she has health problems and this school has been really helpful, and I think moving schools will hurt her. We originally lived closer to the school, but had some problems with money so that's why we moved somewhere cheaper.

 

My child only sees him during school holidays and that's usually only once or twice a week when she plays with his child. He used to come over after he'd finished work at midnight and leave after she went to school, so they don't see each other very often.

The discussion about moving in together wasn't really a let's do it one, it was more if you're in a long term relationship it should happen one day and we can't do it if we can't agree on an area.

I personally believe you need to really get to know someone before falling in love with them, so that's the reason I'm not 100% sure I am in love with him. We've only been together a year, and I believe it takes time.

 

I do want a good worthy relationship but I had a really bad relationship with my child's father, so now I don't know if I'm giving up too early due to this insecurity or not.

I'm just curious as to whether it seems a good idea to wait until after I've moved and see how things go, or to break up before I move?

 

Completely understandable. Hopefully he is understanding too then on why you must live closer to the school your daughter goes to.

If he's not willing to make the effort and complains or forces you to do all the driving, cut ties.

I mean that.

No one needs to stay in a one sided relationship. He either finds you important enough to make as equal as efforts in remaining close or tell him you're moving on without him.

 

After a year, you will know whether he's going to be fair or not.

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Where is the father of your child living and what’s the custody agreement?

And where is the mother of your bfs child living and what’s their custody agreement?

 

When did you move to the same area as your bf and why?

How did you meet him?

A year is too soon to move in together for single childless couples.

For 2 single parents, I think making that move should only be after some commitment is made.

Moving in together is convenience not commitment.

 

Should you break up with him now? Because of an extra 20 min drive a couple times a week? Maybe!

Or just be prepared that it might fizzle because of the move and his lack of interest.

So far he seems disinterested in anything that’s not convenient and apparently you are not worth the drive.

But you can always wait and see!

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Yes . Moving will be a good all the way around. For you for your child and it will also give to food for thought about whether to continue with him or not. It sounds like you want to break up one way or the other. However since you are so undecided, let it die rather than pull the plug.

 

Since you are not that committed or engaged, in love or basically anything but just dating, your decisions need to be unilateral and not influenced by fear, the past, saving money, convenience, etc.

I'm just curious as to whether it seems a good idea to wait until after I've moved and see how things go, or to break up before I move?

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Im not a fan of the "should we break up" threads. You either know the answer and are looking for validation or you are looking for someone to talk you out of it or decide for you. Im not going to offer solutions to your situation but I will only ask you one question.

 

Are you happy in the relationship? Think about your answer then decide what you want to do. Your happiness should be greater than the worry of hurting someone.

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Are you happy in the relationship? Think about your answer then decide what you want to do. Your happiness should be greater than the worry of hurting someone.

 

I agree. The guy is already hurting YOU over a measly span of roadway, so make whatever changes you want in your own life, and let the chips fall. Either he'll step up to demonstrate that you're worth some effort to him, or he was never worth the consideration in the first place. He will show you HIS answer about your relationship while you meet your own needs and those of your child.

 

There's no way that I'd blow like a candle in the wind for anyone who's not willing to meet my investment with his own.

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