Complainers

How do you folks deal with friends who are chronic complainers? I am talking about people who are complaining about the same thing for more than a year, without making the necessary changes.

I would acknowledge it "I hear you are annoyed/frustrated" whatever then say "I am happy to be a support if you figure out what can be done to change the situation or accept it, or to brainstorm with you about the ideas you have to that end. I'm not sure it's helping you for me to be a sounding board while you vent".

Also ask yourself if what you see as the "necessary changes" are what they see as those changes.

And I am sorry you are experiencing this. FWIW I can relate.

What specifically do they complain about?

First is realize that they aren't seeking any advice or help and aren't looking to change their situation.

Second is realize they are only looking to vent, so as a friend I can lend them my ear or shoulder to cry on, but I'll probably tune them out a bit too and not get invested in their issues.

I'll only do 2 above for a limited amount of time. In other words, I'll either limit time spent with them or seek to change topics once I've had enough of their complaining or both.

Overall, your personal frustration in these situation stems from your own desire to help them and see results instead of recognizing that they aren't seeking your actual help.

I would acknowledge it "I hear you are annoyed/frustrated" whatever then say "I am happy to be a support if you figure out what can be done to change the situation or accept it, or to brainstorm with you about the ideas you have to that end. I'm not sure it's helping you for me to be a sounding board while you vent".

 

Also ask yourself if what you see as the "necessary changes" are what they see as those changes.

 

And I am sorry you are experiencing this. FWIW I can relate.

Thanks, Bats!

The thing is, she knows what she needs to do, she just doesn't do it. I have also made suggestions, and she agrees, but simply does not do what she says she wants to do. Then, I get to hear about the same stuff, again and again.

How do you folks deal with friends who are chronic complainers? I am talking about people who are complaining about the same thing for more than a year, without making the necessary changes.

Holly, after a while I tend to lose respect for the person, and when that happens, I incorporate the slow fade, until there's nothing left.

For me personally, I try to steer clear from any such negativity, it's bad for my mental health, and as I said I tend to lose respect anyway, making the choice to fade quite easy, actually.

How are you dealing with it? Is this a long time friend, and has he/she always been a complainer since you've know them?

Thanks, Bats!

 

The thing is, she knows what she needs to do, she just doesn't do it. I have also made suggestions, and she agrees, but simply does not do what she says she wants to do. Then, I get to hear about the same stuff, again and again.

You mean like certain posters on this forum do?

Holly, after a while I tend to lose respect for the person, and when that happens, I incorporate the slow fade, until there's nothing left.

 

For me personally, I try to steer clear from any such negativity, it's bad for my mental health, and as I said I tend to lose respect anyway, making the choice to fade quite easy, actually.

 

How are you dealing with it? Is this a long time friend, and has he/she always been a complainer since you've know them?

Yes, I do similar stuff -I have to keep my distance. Good for you K!

At a certain point, I literally say “so are you going to continue b*tching about it or are you actually going to do something about it?”

Venting usually ends when the sympathy does. Perks of being blunt.

Thanks, Bats!

 

The thing is, she knows what she needs to do, she just doesn't do it. I have also made suggestions, and she agrees, but simply does not do what she says she wants to do. Then, I get to hear about the same stuff, again and again.

But she doesn't "need" to do it -because if she did she'd lose her negative comfort zone. Here's the truth for me -sometimes when I'm bone tired after a long day but everything is "ok" - I find my mind traveling to negative places - cranky places - but it's small stuff. And no I don't complain or vent - because I nip it in the bud - give myself a talking to. But that's because I don't want to be that person. Part or most of your friend loves getting the attention even if it's negative attention.

I had to distance myself from a chronic complainer who was also getting way too combative and argumentative. We still interact and if I see any sign of her going down the complainer path I do the fade like K suggested.

What specifically do they complain about?

Not personal stuff.

I'll give an example: she has been talking about organizing the papers in her office for 1.5 years, but it never gets done- This is something that would take 1-2 days. Every time I see here the damn papers would come up as to how she has to get it done. Things of this nature.

First is realize that they aren't seeking any advice or help and aren't looking to change their situation.

 

Second is realize they are only looking to vent, so as a friend I can lend them my ear or shoulder to cry on, but I'll probably tune them out a bit too and not get invested in their issues.

 

I'll only do 2 above for a limited amount of time. In other words, I'll either limit time spent with them or seek to change topics once I've had enough of their complaining or both.

 

Overall, your personal frustration in these situation stems from your own desire to help them and see results instead of recognizing that they aren't seeking your actual help.

Thanks.

Honestly, I don't care if she takes my advice. I just don't want to hear about the same issue every time we meet.

Are you close enough to her to call it to her attention? "Veronica, you complain about your papers every day. Why don't you do something about it?"

Holly, after a while I tend to lose respect for the person, and when that happens, I incorporate the slow fade, until there's nothing left.

 

For me personally, I try to steer clear from any such negativity, it's bad for my mental health, and as I said I tend to lose respect anyway, making the choice to fade quite easy, actually.

 

How are you dealing with it? Is this a long time friend, and has he/she always been a complainer since you've know them?

I take an identical path—the slow fade.

I'm about as patient and curious as it gets when it comes to other people's issues—I'm here on ENA, after all, where I almost exclusively just respond to strangers—but those who bit*ch but don't budge? I can't. I'm too prone to moving fast and forward in my own life—to making changes—that I just can't deal with that energy. Bad for my own path.

That said, my best friend, while I wouldn't call him a complainer, is much, much slower than I am (and just about everyone) when it comes to making the changes he knows he needs to make. Took him five years to end a relationship he knew was over, two years to move to a city he knew he should move to, and so on. He kind of analyzes and engineers things into a loop of paralysis—and then, once fully self-paralyzed, makes the change.

With him I've learned to just listen—but also to limit my intake—because I've known him long enough to have faith that, in the end, he does make the right move, just at what I see as a frustrating snail's pace, but is, of course, simply his pace.

Holly, after a while I tend to lose respect for the person, and when that happens, I incorporate the slow fade, until there's nothing left.

 

For me personally, I try to steer clear from any such negativity, it's bad for my mental health, and as I said I tend to lose respect anyway, making the choice to fade quite easy, actually.

 

How are you dealing with it? Is this a long time friend, and has he/she always been a complainer since you've know them?

Thanks, Kat! She is actually a very compassionate and thoughtful woman, it's just this stuff that is annoying. It is frustrating!

You mean like certain posters on this forum do?

You got it, sister!

I perform my artistic take on the Happy Days theme song.

"Sunday, Monday, complaining. Tuesday, Wednsday, complaining. Thursday, Friday, complaining. Saturday, you b*tch too much. Cut that **** out, Stacyyyyyyyyyyyyy.."

For something like papers I would just change the subject.

Are you close enough to her to call it to her attention? "Veronica, you complain about your papers every day. Why don't you do something about it?"

I don't think it's my place to teach grown adults lessons.

If someone is a chronic complainer, it's typically a personality style. That type of negativity wears on me.

If it's someone who is merely having a bad streak, I might listen but there is definitely a limit.

Sometimes people need to vent until the need is gone.

I can’t stand it, so I more than slow fade.....I vanish. I just.....can’t.

I used to lend an ear for hours upon hours, until I realized that the reason they’re complaining is because they’re actually happier complaining than fixing the thing about which they’re complaining.

These days my patience for it is teensy tiny, and I’ve even noticed my own tone on these forums has gotten sharper and less empathetic. Tell me about a problem and ask for advice; after I’ve given advice, you have two choices: tell me you don’t agree (which is cool), or agree. Either way, the next move is to act. If that doesn’t occur, then I’m done. I’ve begun checking a poster’s history before I respond, to see if they are still complaining about the same issue from 5 years ago, and yep....often, that’s the case. I then skim through prior responses, which are usually terrific. Yet, here we are again, years later, complaining about the same thing. I just.....can’t.

How do you folks deal with friends who are chronic complainers? I am talking about people who are complaining about the same thing for more than a year, without making the necessary changes.

It depends on the person and the situation.

A couple of years ago, I had two classmates who complained about everything all of the time. Once I realized how it wore on me, I made an effort not to be seated near them--especially when they were together. Actually, one of them (Alan) was way worse than the other (Michael). I actually liked being around Michael when Alan wasn't around.

Another person/situation would be my friend of 15+ years. I met her through work and I liked her vibe. In the early part of our relationship, I just tuned her complainy-nature out. After years passed and our friendship grew, I listened to her complaints and offered advice/support. But once I saw that didn't work, and that (as Batya put it) she was in her negative comfort zone, I just tuned her out again. It's very easy to do. She doesn't actually care if I offer advice or not. In fact, she requires almost no maintenance at all. One of us calls the other every 3 months or so and we go to dinner and have a great time. My kind of friendship.

Honestly, I don't care if she takes my advice. I just don't want to hear about the same issue every time we meet.

If this is all you are able to focus on when you see her/ talk to her, then maybe this friendship has run its course.

When they're done complaining, I say either:

1."Are you done yet?"

2. "That's not a solution."

I tune them out for as long as I can and then I distance myself from them for good. Life is too short to be around people who complain all the time and wont do anything to solve their issues.

At a certain point, I literally say “so are you going to continue b*tching about it or are you actually going to do something about it?”

 

Venting usually ends when the sympathy does. Perks of being blunt.

Indea, loving that!