Communication issues have me considering getting out...

Hello,

I've been with my current gf for about a year and a half. I usually stay at her place, but have my own. Recently, I've been catching myself considering leaving. I've been through a lot personally in the last few years, but I never voice it and burden close one's with this information. Anyway, my gf often plays the victim or tries to find ways out of seeing my perspective.

Recently, I've been rubbed the wrong way by her eleven year old kid. This kid has done rally disrespectful things to me: Kick dirt on me, pretty much punched me in my lip under the guise of a prank, blatantly lies after hitting me, throwing things at me, etc. by telling the mom/gf I was the one doing it. Manipulative stuff, the mom just laughs it off.

I get it, she's a kid and probably resents me, but does it have to get to that point? Where it's okay to do such things said person doesn't want done to them? Anyway...

I'm at a point where it's bothering me, so I told the gf, I'm headed home. Explained there's something bothering me, but I want to think it through before I speak on it. This is just how I am. I know I can be brash if not allowed to think/get space first.

She wants me to speak on things right then and there. Now, I'm a blunt person, I don't believe in hiding things, or misleading people via omission, lies, or flat out bs. I rely on being honest, and letting the cards fall where they may.

We've had issues, as I have a hard time feeling stable with her. She's indecisive, doesn't always tell me when things are bothering her, and is often scatterbrained. The feeling of instability this gives off, stresses me out.

To get back on track, I tell her, I'm headed home and we can talk when I've thought and calmed down a bit. She assumes it has something to do with me suspecting her of infidelity, yet says she doesn't know why I'm just leaving. I tell her, it's fine, we're fine, I just need to think this through before I come to you with it.

She gets all upset and says whatever, and how I can't just run home all the time when there are issues. She continued to have this passive aggressive demeaning speech, so I just left.

Then I get a text about how she now has to go to work and worry all day. The fact that she turned the whole thing into how she 'felt', just made me feel like, even when trying to do the right thing, even though I'm the one dealing with something, all of that is below how she feels.

What am I supposed to do in this situation? I feel like I'm dealing with someone who doesn't really hear me out, becomes defensive with every issue I have, or tries to turn it around on me, leaving my issues unresolved. It's gotten to the point I feel comfortable dealing with things myself, instead of opening up just to feel like an idiot for doing so in the end.

Don't feel she respects me, I know her kid doesn't respect me, so why stay?

I'm starting to feel we're too different. I deal in absolutes, I'm not afraid of being wrong and owning up, and I don't believe anyone should just allow themselves to be disrespected, at all.

I don't know what to do, but I'm getting to a point where I may have to accept it for what it is and leave.

Sorry to hear this. It's not working out. The kid resents you staying there too much..you're in his space. Why are you there all the time? Why aren't you having some child free weekends/dates? Where's the dad? Where are the baby sitters? Basically when push comes to shove, she'll pick her kids, so you may want to end things sooner rather than later.

You complain about your GF being passive-aggressive, yet you do the very same thing by walking away in anger with no explanation and forcing her to wait over what's bothering you until you have a chance to mull it over and speak about it. I understand your need to remove yourself from the situation lest you explode, but this action is quite traumatizing and rather disrespectful of her to keep her wondering what is wrong, what made you mad, and waiting until you deem it an appropriate time to discuss. I think you need to work on the ability to express yourself in the moment without turning into a powder keg...this will go a long way in the future. As for now, I don't know that this relationship is going to work out. If this child is this unruly and she refuses to discipline, this is pretty much what you're stuck with.

Of course she's mad at you for making her wait all day for whatever you're mad about, and she has every right to express that. You state, "She doesn't know why I'm leaving." What do you think is an appropriate reaction to that? When you walk out the door, angry, with no indication what the issue is, and you have to "think about it first" and "get back to her," what else do you think is going to happen?

Again, I think you need to work on skills to discuss certain issues as they occur, and not explode or be rude or cruel. It's okay to need some time and space before tackling difficult issues, but some things require being dealt with in the moment, or at least an indication of what went wrong so that you can both be on the same page later about the issue at hand. Storming out in an angry huff isn't necessarily the best solution.

We've had issues, as I have a hard time feeling stable with her. She's indecisive, doesn't always tell me when things are bothering her, and is often scatterbrained. The feeling of instability this gives off, stresses me out.

It sounds to me that she's doing to you what you do to her and you both need to work on your communication.

A couple of points.

If a kid hit me, I'd be spanking his bottom. To heck with the relationship.

It can take a couple of years for a kid to warm up to you. And some never do. One trick is to buy them gifts.

You want to run out on her in a huff, but what did she do? She's indecisive? So what? Do what you want to do, if she goes along with it, fine. You are not married and don't live with her.

On the other hand, don't argue. It takes two to argue, two to tango. Walk out but don't give any explanation. Wait until she contacts you and wants to talk calmly. Really good couples talk things out calmly, compromise, and have only a handful of arguments per year.

I can't see why you think taking off with no explanation was a wise choice, OP. I don't know what you're playing at there, but it's clear that she isn't the only one who needs to work on communication. Of course she's worried and trying to figure out what is going on - how did you expect her to react?

If you are done with the relationship, that's perfectly fine. It doesn't sound like it's going well, I admit. I don't see the need to leave her hanging, though, unless you're trying to punish her or something. You could have at least been adult enough to let her know what this was about, and agree to talk later.

I see both sides. I too like a moment to collect my thoughts so I can say what I need to in the best way possible.

At the same time you can tell her this, but you shouldn't leave her hanging. It's very distressing to have your partner walk out upset, having no idea why and no idea about what is about to happen or when.

Request for a time out and then set a reasonable amount of time that you need and agree to talk about it at the suggested time.

`I'm sorry, but I am a little upset right now and I need a moment to collect my thoughts. Can we talk about this in an hour?'

Just because this is your preferred style of conflict resolution, doesn't mean it's hers. It doesn't make either of you right. It's just a difference and if you want to keep this relationship you need to communicate this to her. Have this conversation with her before the next conflict and not in the middle of one.

Man, OP, I really felt this post, I relate to it so much. I’m very similar to you in that I need to think through my feelings, look at an issue from different perspectives before I want to bring it up. And the exact reason for that, like your girlfriend, my husband becomes defensive every single time I’m upset about anything (which is like once a year). I feel like I have to let my emotions pass and feel neutral about an issue before I will be able to handle his defensive gaslighting without losing my cool.

I don’t feel like you really left your girlfriend hanging to worry. You told her “we are fine, everything’s okay, I just want to think first.” That’s so much better than trying to deny that anything is on your mind (she’d know better), or rushing into a discussion you’re not ready for, saying things you don’t mean, and ending up in a full blown fight. I think her needing answers right then and there in order to feel okay speaks to her level of insecurity. For example, my husband can be angry with me and I can wait to talk about it without worrying “is he going to leave me?” or “what’s gonna happen?” because I’m very secure in this relationship. Seems like your girlfriend is not able to just trust that the commitment between you will carry you through together. Do you think she feels you pulling away? Do you do enough to make her feel secure and loved?

I think maybe you guys just have different communication styles, which is okay IF you both can be aware of it and allow the other what they need to feel okay. I don’t doubt that you can meet her in the middle on this, but based on her response to your voicing that you’d just like to ponder your issue for a moment, I don’t know that she’ll be able or willing to learn to self soothe for an hour or two and find security in your commitment to her.

I guess you don’t know until you ask/discuss? Might be best to make this a separate discussion from that regarding her child though. I imagine she will become very defensive of her child and won’t even hear the rest of your concerns, let alone be open to understanding them.

Btw, the child’s behavior alone, for me, would be a deal breaker.

When the goal is to seek privacy to consider things, it makes no sense to tell someone you're leaving angry. That's a passive-aggressive move that prompts questions and raises concerns. So then it makes no sense to fault a person for having the questions and concerns that YOU have prompted.

If you don't want someone to worry, why would you tell them that they've got something to worry about but you're not going to say what it is until later? That makes no sense unless your goal IS to be cruel and manipulative so you can blame the woman for not responding well to that.