Emotional cheating

Hi guys, I'm in a tough situation with my gf and wanted to get an outside point of view so I can figure it out if it's all in my head or not.

Context

We've been together for 5.5 years and I'm her first. Now we are 27 and 32yo. In this relationship I've been told repeatedly that she doesn't feel appreciated and oftenly doubted my love and I accepted my fair share of blame for that, mostly because emotionally I'm not the most open person, I'm having many emotional blocks and often I have troubles communicating my feelings.

The story.

I'm a wedding photographer and on May 4th, on Saturday, I went to a wedding. Here, there usually last until late morning and because she didn't want to stay home alone she went to a concert by herself. There she met a guy, which later she described as her male version. They resonated on every level, made her feel understood, things that were lacking sometimes in our relationship. She told me about him the next day and I was ok with it, because she doesn't have any friends that she could really talk to about deep and meaningful stuff that I know it's important to her. Not even me. She mentioned going out to get some coffee with him someday and again, I said ok.

Fast forward to the following Saturday, May 11th, we had a fight. Same issue, I'm not paying attention to stuff, meaning that I don't care about her. Sometimes from my POV it's the smallest thing, like not closing the bedroom door and all the food smell from the living going there, where we sleep. It's the first time that she actually mentioned breaking up cause she can't take it anymore (the little stuff that I don't pay attention to and that apparently drive her crazy). We slept in separate rooms that weekend 11-12th.

The following monday, on 13th, I was supposed to go to a friend, outside the city, but that was cancelled. She said the previous day that she wanted a break/needed space and implied that I should still be leaving the house. I accepted under protest and went to my brothers that Monday.

I have to mention that for the past 5 years, every monday when Game of Thrones aired in our country, we sat and watched it together. First thing she did after we agreed that I was leaving to my brother's on monday, she messaged the guy, saying she doesn't want to watch it alone and she had to watch it that night because otherwise she would get spoilers from her office the next day and didn't want to ruin the series. She also told me that she might watch it with the guy on Monday night, after work.

On tuesday night when we next saw each other, we talked and agreed that I would be more thoughtful because we still love each other and we should work on our relationship. She also told me that she went to his house, at night, alone, to watch Game of Thrones. I told her that that wasn't ok and she disagreed, saying that it was ok, nothing happened, just went to his house to see the show. Moving on.

Meanwhile they talk random stuff and chat on facebook, exchanging songs and memes, harmless stuff. Until I noticed that 2 days after we made up, on the 15th, she sends him this song, Sabrina Claudio - Belong to you, which has the following lyrics.

"Take care of me

Talk all day then at night fall in deep

Stimulate me

I want you mental and physically

I belong to

I belong to you, you, you

Grab hold of me

Gentle love but touch passionately

I'll give you my blessing

Take me person and objectively

Ex and internally

I belong to you"

I know this because she showed me her phone, two days ago, on 26th, when I asked if she'd agree to let me see what they talk about that she feels so connected to him. This broke me and she said it's just a song.

Fast forward, to 24th, we have another fight. We had a chill evening, everything was good. I filled 2 glasses with Martini and she played a song on youtube for the mood. Meanwhile, I was browsing youtube for interesting stuff to watch later and for a split second another video overlapped her song, breaking her mood, but she didn't say anything. Then the internet broke down and the music stopped altogether. And she got pissed. Long story short, we fought again, same reason, I don't care about her apparently and that she can't take anymore. Asked me to leave, I refused, so she started looking for a hotel. Feeling like I didn't want to loose her over a stupid song that was interrupted 2 times, I caved and went in the living room.

Saturday 25th night we were supposed to hang out with my friends but we figured that we couldn't, fightin and all, so we cancelled. Later I found out that she messaged the guy that "her evening just cleared up". I was furious.

She came home at 6:30 in the Sunday morning. We haven't spoken all Sunday, being election day and we were out all day, separately. When we met home at night, she told me that she messaged him to go out, cause she needed someone to talk to, that they met the previous night at a restaurant around 10pm, where a friend of his also came, that all 3 stayed until 3am when his friend left and then they talked alone until 6am.

She's not the lying type. Always upfront with stuff. At least that's the image she created for me in the past years and I believe her when she says that nothing happened, but who really knows.

After all this and to summ it up, my question is: do you think it's ok for a girl which has been in a relationship for 5.5 years, to go to a guys house at night, alone the first time after she met him in a public gathering, to watch a show that she has only watched with her boyfriend and that was a big part of their lives, then send the guy sexually implicit songs after making up with her boyfriend, then going out with the guy again and stay until late in the morning after an argument with her bf?

Sorry this is happening. You need to start looking for separate places to live. It's not working out.

It sounds like your relationship is falling apart on both sides, and has been for a while. She thinks you're inconsiderate, but has stayed for years despite that fact. You think she's cheating on you emotionally by having this male friend, but you're not going anywhere, either.

What do you both want from a relationship?

She is quite obviously cheating, OP.

I wouldn’t buy for a moment that nothing physical has transpired between them by now.

Time to really think about splitting up. She is not being honest with you and you are being insanely passive about it all.

I'm sorry, but your relationship has run its course a long time ago, long before this guy even came into the picture.

The problem is that you two aren't really compatible but instead of breaking up as you should, you both continue to cling on and essentially torture each other. What she is doing is blame shifting - making you out to be a bad guy, so she doesn't have to feel bad about either cheating or dumping you for someone else. When someone keeps picking ridiculous fights over every little thing, it's your clue that this person is actively, aggressively even, checking out of the relationship. They are basically making the relationship untenable.

Time for you to read the writing on the wall, find some self respect and tell her to hit the road. Enough is enough. Can you imagine spending another 5 years being picked apart almost daily? The relationship has long died, what you are dealing with now are the toxic remains. Give her freedom to go chase other guys, give yourself freedom to find a woman who loves who you are. Healthy relationships aren't this hard and miserable.

Oh wow, she's got a new boyfriend, a replacement for you. I'm so sorry.

She's obviously cheating right under your nose, as well as playing you for a fool. I'm sorry you're in this situation but it's time to send her a wake up call by standing up for yourself, and refusing to continue being a doormat.

It's time to throw in the towel, as a betrayal of this magnitude would likely go on to haunt you in the long term.

OP

Read your words above carefully as if you are total stranger hearing about this for the first time and then read the spot on responses you have received.

Just to clear up any doubts you have: YES she is cheating emotionally and I would guess this guy has made his move and they at the very least have made out like teenagers.

In the big picture view this is a blessing in disguise. This was not a healthy relationship and I seriously doubt this new guy is all that great, he is just new and once the new wears off she will be belittling him just like she does you.

Time to see this for what it is. She is cheating on you and you are hoping it isn't what it looks like.

Hopefully the apartment is in your name, if so she needs to find a new place to live so she can keep the doors closed to keep food smells from going into the bedroom.

Lost

I'm sorry, but your relationship has run its course a long time ago, long before this guy even came into the picture.

 

The problem is that you two aren't really compatible but instead of breaking up as you should, you both continue to cling on and essentially torture each other. What she is doing is blame shifting - making you out to be a bad guy, so she doesn't have to feel bad about either cheating or dumping you for someone else. When someone keeps picking ridiculous fights over every little thing, it's your clue that this person is actively, aggressively even, checking out of the relationship. They are basically making the relationship untenable.

 

Time for you to read the writing on the wall, find some self respect and tell her to hit the road. Enough is enough. Can you imagine spending another 5 years being picked apart almost daily? The relationship has long died, what you are dealing with now are the toxic remains. Give her freedom to go chase other guys, give yourself freedom to find a woman who loves who you are. Healthy relationships aren't this hard and miserable.

100% this ^^^. She is emotionally cheating and is about to monkey branch. This guy is not the cause of your relationship break down though, he is just a catalyst that came along. The real problem is that you are not right for each other. In a way, this guy is doing you a favour because if he hadn't come along you could lose more years in this dead end relationship. Do yourself a favour and give yourself freedom to find a woman who accepts you as you are. Do not accept all this crap just because she is blaming you. It always takes two to tango and emotionally cheating is never justifiable no matter what a monkey brancher will try to have you think. If you stay on, you will be mentally abused and dumped once she has completed her mental check-out. There is a book titled "uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan that is worth reading to gain more insight regarding what is happening in her head and yours for that matter.

So sorry, but I agree with Gary Snyder. I think she has feelings for this new guy and that's why she is so determined to break up.

100% this ^^^. She is emotionally cheating and is about to monkey branch. This guy is not the cause of your relationship break down though, he is just a catalyst that came along. The real problem is that you are not right for each other. In a way, this guy is doing you a favour because if he hadn't come along you could lose more years in this dead end relationship. Do yourself a favour and give yourself freedom to find a woman who accepts you as you are. Do not accept all this crap just because she is blaming you. It always takes two to tango and emotionally cheating is never justifiable no matter what a monkey brancher will try to have you think. If you stay on, you will be mentally abused and dumped once she has completed her mental check-out. There is a book titled "uncoupling" by Diane Vaughan that is worth reading to gain more insight regarding what is happening in her head and yours for that matter.

i agree 100% with DancingFool and Clio. They summed it up perfectly. You need to muster up some self respect, not take this bullsh*t that she's feeding you and move on. Don't be her doormat, dude! How very disrespectful she is. Come on, you know this is a very bad situation. Why on earth are you putting up with it? Really? Don't waste any more your time with her.