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Thread: Should I keep the baby?

  1. #1

    Should I keep the baby?

    I was in a relationship with someone for a year and a half before discovering I was pregnant. This shouldn't have been possible as I was told by 6 doctors I would need IVF to conceive and extra help to continue the pregnancy despite before only in my mid to late twenties. Around the same time, I discovered that he'd had lots of hookups/said he was tricked into sleeping with a post-op transsexual (he's a surgical intern MD at the time)/all kinds of strange sexual escapades/etc... While I don't mind if others engage in it, I personally have been with one other person who I was married to. Our ideas of who the other person should be don't quite line up and I was pretty shocked (particularly by the wild transsexual story as well as accounts of sleeping with someone with an anoxic brain injury and another with autism). The pregnancy has been difficult. I had to go to several specialists and take and inject medications in order to continue the pregnancy. He initially seemed happy (prior to a lot of these problems) and then went no contact with me for 5 weeks. I'm in medical school to be a doctor. I thought I would keep the baby and do my best with my family's help (who I live with). He eventually returns saying that his parents hate me and think I'm a huge liar and he agrees. He comes up with wild stories about me trying to get my ex husband back (who has been in a relationship the past 2 years and it did not end well). They all question the paternity of the child and say it's a valid concern. I told them to get the DNA test done. I wish it wasn't his. He says that he knows it's his, but that he could understand why they think it isn't (which is so insulting). I ask why he wants to maintain paternal rights given all that he thinks of me/says about me. He says that his paternal rights are worth over a million dollars after telling me to get an abortion and then to consider adoption. He has vacillated between saying he wants nothing to do with the baby and that my dad can adopt him to saying that I have to sign the baby over to him. I am afraid of his family. They are both lawyers and he is a doctor (only child). They live in a very wealthy area. A lawyer my parents found told me she's seen people like them outspend people like me and annihilate me cost-wise in court. She even said that I could lose custody of the baby given that I will be going through residency (12 hour days) and he will be a full-time family doctor (8 hour days, owns a house currently, etc). He lives a state away (2.5 hours). I am now 20 weeks pregnant and would never have proceeded this far if I had known that he would have changed his mind so drastically in the last 2 weeks. Given that I have had so much trouble in this pregnancy I do have the option of termination. I am struggling a lot with it. I stupidly grew attached and ideally didn't want to terminate. Even now, he goes from saying I should quit school and move in with him to saying he'll never marry me to saying he'll marry me within the year (insulting again). His parents are a continual problem and say to break up with me (they have said this since meeting me...when I ask why I don't really get an answer aside from I will be a horrible wife/mother). His parents agree with his past and say it's perfectly fine. I would have even been happy if he'd just said that he regretted it instead of defending it. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post.

  2. #2
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    Given the fact that you will struggle to become pregnant again I would advise you keep the baby.
    I wouldnít worry about his lawyer parents as there is no reason you canít be a fit mother and work.
    How supportive are your family?
    Will they be available to provide childminding once you return to work?

    End the relationship and in the meantime hire a lawyer yourself so you are ready for what he may throw at you in 4 months time.
    Discuss with the lawyer whether itís in your best interest or not to have this guy on the birth certificate!

    Sorry you are going through this!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    No woman should ever carry a child because of a man (unless agreed upon) or to keep a man and no woman should ever terminate a pregnancy because of a man.

    Thats my personal opinion.

    At the end of the day throughout all this you seemed to have been incredibly short sighted, from the lack of birth control to how him changing how he feels about you changing your desire to be a mother

    Take him out of the equation, completely

    Calm your hormones as best as you can and truly listen to yourself - your reasoning for terminating a 20 week pregnancy is hes a h*e and he may go for custody ....read it again...hormones aside the responsible thing to do to me is if you dont really desire to be a mother, and this was all kinda a fluke, give him custody of the child.

    DO NOT BRING THIS CHILD INTO THE WORLD TO BE A PAWN AND DO NOT USE ABORTION AS A POWER MOVE.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ask yourself if you wanted to be tied to this nutjob for the rest of your life through a child.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ask yourself if you wanted to be tied to this nutjob for the rest of your life through a child.
    Or given her fertility prospects , choose to have her possible ONE chance terminated because of this nutjob?

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Icecream13
    I was in a relationship with someone for a year and a half before discovering I was pregnant. This shouldn't have been possible as I was told by 6 doctors I would need IVF to conceive and extra help to continue the pregnancy despite before only in my mid to late twenties. Around the same time, I discovered that he'd had lots of hookups/said he was tricked into sleeping with a post-op transsexual (he's a surgical intern MD at the time)/all kinds of strange sexual escapades/etc... While I don't mind if others engage in it, I personally have been with one other person who I was married to. Our ideas of who the other person should be don't quite line up and I was pretty shocked (particularly by the wild transsexual story as well as accounts of sleeping with someone with an anoxic brain injury and another with autism). The pregnancy has been difficult. I had to go to several specialists and take and inject medications in order to continue the pregnancy. He initially seemed happy (prior to a lot of these problems) and then went no contact with me for 5 weeks. I'm in medical school to be a doctor. I thought I would keep the baby and do my best with my family's help (who I live with). He eventually returns saying that his parents hate me and think I'm a huge liar and he agrees. He comes up with wild stories about me trying to get my ex husband back (who has been in a relationship the past 2 years and it did not end well). They all question the paternity of the child and say it's a valid concern. I told them to get the DNA test done. I wish it wasn't his. He says that he knows it's his, but that he could understand why they think it isn't (which is so insulting). I ask why he wants to maintain paternal rights given all that he thinks of me/says about me. He says that his paternal rights are worth over a million dollars after telling me to get an abortion and then to consider adoption. He has vacillated between saying he wants nothing to do with the baby and that my dad can adopt him to saying that I have to sign the baby over to him. I am afraid of his family. They are both lawyers and he is a doctor (only child). They live in a very wealthy area. A lawyer my parents found told me she's seen people like them outspend people like me and annihilate me cost-wise in court. She even said that I could lose custody of the baby given that I will be going through residency (12 hour days) and he will be a full-time family doctor (8 hour days, owns a house currently, etc). He lives a state away (2.5 hours). I am now 20 weeks pregnant and would never have proceeded this far if I had known that he would have changed his mind so drastically in the last 2 weeks. Given that I have had so much trouble in this pregnancy I do have the option of termination. I am struggling a lot with it. I stupidly grew attached and ideally didn't want to terminate. Even now, he goes from saying I should quit school and move in with him to saying he'll never marry me to saying he'll marry me within the year (insulting again). His parents are a continual problem and say to break up with me (they have said this since meeting me...when I ask why I don't really get an answer aside from I will be a horrible wife/mother). His parents agree with his past and say it's perfectly fine. I would have even been happy if he'd just said that he regretted it instead of defending it. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long post.

    It isn't just because of his past or his parents (though both are very reasons). I'm afraid that what the lawyers told me they were concerned about will come true and I won't even be able to keep and raise my child. I wish it was easy for me to have a child, but I can't. I don't really find it short-sighted to not bother with birth control in a long-term relationship plus permanent (pretty confirmed) infertility. My main fear is losing custody of the baby and going bankrupt trying to keep custody in court. My parents were initially supportive until hearing what the lawyers had to say. Some say the lawyers are doing worst-case scenario, but others say it may be fairly realistic.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Icecream13
    It isn't just because of his past or his parents (though both are very reasons). I'm afraid that what the lawyers told me they were concerned about will come true and I won't even be able to keep and raise my child. I wish it was easy for me to have a child, but I can't. I don't really find it short-sighted to not bother with birth control in a long-term relationship plus permanent (pretty confirmed) infertility. My main fear is losing custody of the baby and going bankrupt trying to keep custody in court. My parents were initially supportive until hearing what the lawyers had to say. Some say the lawyers are doing worst-case scenario, but others say it may be fairly realistic.
    Unless you have had a hysterectomy, or have completely gone through menopause, consider yourself fertile. You cannot lose your baby to him because you are in residency just like a working mother can't. He is just saying that to scare you. If you adopt the baby out to a family, that's one option. If you keep the baby, then there is the option of him giving up is rights, or you filing for sole or joint physical custody. No judge would take an infant from a mother unless she was on drugs, perpetually homeless, totally incompetent.

  9. #8
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    [I]Given that I have had so much trouble in this pregnancy I do have the option of termination. [/I

    20-35% of babies born at 24 weeks survive. They would be in NICU for quite some time, but they can make it.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Unless you have had a hysterectomy, or have completely gone through menopause, consider yourself fertile. You cannot lose your baby to him because you are in residency just like a working mother can't. He is just saying that to scare you. If you adopt the baby out to a family, that's one option. If you keep the baby, then there is the option of him giving up is rights, or you filing for sole or joint physical custody. No judge would take an infant from a mother unless she was on drugs, perpetually homeless, totally incompetent.
    I have immunodeficiencies as well as an inability to make progesterone (the hormone required for both fertilization and gestation). I had a nasty disease 5 months ago thanks to my exposure in my job that set this off. Otherwise, I might as well not have ovaries or a uterus according to 6 doctors. Several lawyers told me explicitly I can lose my baby. Whatever is in the child's best interest is what is preferred. I work 12-16 hours per day as dictated by our programs. He would be working a maximum of 8 for 4 days since he is almost done with residency. He owns a house/car/expansive bank account thanks to his parents. I have none of these things. His parents know a lot of lawyers and judges in this area given that they practice law themselves (and do very well). I want to believe it is merely a threat. Most babies born prior to 28 weeks show moderate to severe neurological deficiencies as well as other complications (necrotizing enterocolitis). I looked into adoption. I cannot adopt my baby out unless he terminates his rights which he says he will never do. Would you still choose to keep the baby given that you may lose the child later in life?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Icecream13
    I have immunodeficiencies as well as an inability to make progesterone (the hormone required for both fertilization and gestation). I had a nasty disease 5 months ago thanks to my exposure in my job that set this off. Otherwise, I might as well not have ovaries or a uterus according to 6 doctors. Several lawyers told me explicitly I can lose my baby. Whatever is in the child's best interest is what is preferred. I work 12-16 hours per day as dictated by our programs. He would be working a maximum of 8 for 4 days since he is almost done with residency. He owns a house/car/expansive bank account thanks to his parents. I have none of these things. His parents know a lot of lawyers and judges in this area given that they practice law themselves (and do very well). I want to believe it is merely a threat. Most babies born prior to 28 weeks show moderate to severe neurological deficiencies as well as other complications (necrotizing enterocolitis). I looked into adoption. I cannot adopt my baby out unless he terminates his rights which he says he will never do. Would you still choose to keep the baby given that you may lose the child later in life?
    This makes such little sense logically.

    You dont want to lose custody of your child, Im assuming because you love her/him so to avoid that youre willing to abort or put up your child for adoption??

    Am I reading this right??

    That logic is one of someone who wants to win, so can you explain

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