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Thread: My anger might ruin everything

  1. #1
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    My anger might ruin everything

    Hello everyone,

    I need some advice as to how to handle this situation. I have a boyfriend of three years and so far things are good. We are good friends, have lots of things in common, he is a very supportive guy, very honest, trustworthy, honestly a real friend. He’s the “I will be here in the good times and bad times.” Because we have been through difficult times and he has proven to be very supportive. There’s only one big problem. Me.
    I have not been a good teamplayer in this relationship because of one simple reason. I am too angry. I have a tendency to think the worst of him in certain situations when there is no proof. I sometimes get angry when I feel excluded, for example if he goes out with some friends but doesnt take me, which I understand is healthy and ok, because he does make time for me, he just makes time for his friends too, but my emotions react otherwise. I have been to therapy and my therapist says that in my head I probably have a dangerous dream-like version of the boyfriend he should be, and because he doesnt fit that, well I lash out in anger. I am more aware now of all these things and I try to keep myself in check. But its so difficult to control my emotions. My boyfriend is really patient with my outbursts, but not only can I not expect him to be patient forever, it is also unfair to him. He deserves better. But I just dont know how to control my wild, out of control, intense emotions. Any advice is welcome.

  2. #2
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    It's great that you at least recognize your role in this, and want to do something to fix it. I dated an angry man a few years back and it did ultimately kill the relationship. He never acknowledged his own behaviour or took responsibility for his actions so there was no hope there. You, on the other hand, seem prepared to make positive changes.

    Has your therapist recommended any coping strategies you can use when you feel yourself getting angry?

    What happens when you have an outburst? Tears, shouting, insults, or..?

    I would also look at what else you have going on in your life, and make sure you have enough friends and interests of your own so that you don't place unrealistic expectations on your boyfriend to always be with you and include you in everything he does.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this anger only with him or does it effect work, friends, family etc? It sounds like you're not compatible or communicating well. See a doctor to rule out any physical/v chemical causes that could be managed/treated medically. Make sure you are treating the right thing. Anger is often a warning sign that something is wrong/must change or a chemical malfunction.
    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    I am too angry. I have a tendency to think the worst of him in certain situations when there is no proof.
    I have been to therapy and my therapist says that in my head I probably have a dangerous dream-like version of the boyfriend he should be, and because he doesnt fit that, well I lash out in anger.

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    Hi! Thanks for your responses!

    Well so far no coping skills because my therapist has mostly focused on exploring the reason as to why I get so angry. I looked up some coping skills on my own anyways and they havent helped much but I still continue to try them out.

    As for my outbursts they are really bad stuff, not happy about them, mostly yelling angry words, not insults or name calling, but yeah angry stuff im too ashamed to say.

    Things in my life has slowly been getting better but it has been a little difficult with family problems and such. My anger isnt limited to my boyfriend, ive had anger towards friends and family, however since my boyfriend is currently my closest relationship, he sees the worst of it.

    Keep the advices coming! I was actually really interested with the whole chemical imbalance thing, as I will definitely be looking in to that.
    And also you are right on placing unrealistic expectations on him. Want to work on getting rid of that.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There is a theory that the root of anger is fear. If you could dig a little deeper, is there something you are fearful of?
    And if you were to stop taking your anger out on him, what do you think would be different?

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    Actually I think that theory is very spot on.
    I am fearful of many things. For example: Being lied to, not being cool enough, being cheated on, being taken for granted and the list goes on.
    But even though I have no actual proof of the above fears sometimes I get irrational by justifying something through a chain of events that in my mind sound logical, so I lash out.

    Like for example, suppose one day Im telling him about my day and he responds very blandly, I get mad about that quickly. Hes never been the sentimental/expressive type, and I know this, and sometimes hes busy or feeling down, but I jump to the “obvious conclusion” that he must be bored of me, or has someone else, or he is ready to leave me because im too annoying, so boom! I get angry. I guess its kind of like a “defensive anger”?

    However even understanding all this and seeing it and wanting to change, it still is very hard to control that initial impulse.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    Actually I think that theory is very spot on.
    I am fearful of many things. For example: Being lied to, not being cool enough, being cheated on, being taken for granted and the list goes on.
    But even though I have no actual proof of the above fears sometimes I get irrational by justifying something through a chain of events that in my mind sound logical, so I lash out.

    Like for example, suppose one day Im telling him about my day and he responds very blandly, I get mad about that quickly. Hes never been the sentimental/expressive type, and I know this, and sometimes hes busy or feeling down, but I jump to the “obvious conclusion” that he must be bored of me, or has someone else, or he is ready to leave me because im too annoying, so boom! I get angry. I guess its kind of like a “defensive anger”?

    However even understanding all this and seeing it and wanting to change, it still is very hard to control that initial impulse.
    With that knowledge give some thought to how you approach things that you are fearful of. How about catching yourself in time and coming from a place of wanting to be hear and understood?

    Your fears and insecurities are yours issues to deal with. Be responsible about it and stop taking it out on him.

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    What coping strategies have you already tried, OP?

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    Coping strategies Ive tried:
    - Breathing exercises
    - Counting to 10
    - Try not to argue when hungry/tired/havent slept or things like that
    - Keeping track of triggers

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    For example, right now Im having one of my famous angry outbursts. My boyfriend went out drinking and that is making me so anxious and because that is making me anxious Im also mad about that. And I want to take the anger out on him. I want to yell at him for making me feel this miserable, although I know its not his fault but I have so many emotions right now they are so hard to hold back.

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