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Thread: My anger might ruin everything

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Where you raised in an angry and chaotic household?

  2. #12
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    Yes I was.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    Yes I was.
    Then that is your answer. You and your therapist need to work on you not recreating that environment. That is abusing your partner.

  4. #14
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    That makes so much sense. Because Im
    Angry he went out and I think about “punishing him” with my anger as soon as he gets back. That sounds awful, its no way to live.

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  6. #15
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    People are allowed to have friends and go out. We don’t own people.

  7. #16
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    I know this...
    I just wish my emotions understood that too... I really really dont want to be that type of person...im working so hard right now trying to hold everything back...

  8. #17

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    I think sometimes, when working on a major character trait or flaw, it's best to take it in steps. No (reasonable) person expects you to be suddenly "cured" of this by tomorrow, but the fact that you can own up to your vice and genuinely want to better yourself means it's something that will be attainable for you in time. You mention here that he's out and you feel yourself swelling up with anger. Well, before he gets home, release some of that anger in a healthy way. My suggestion would be to write a letter explaining to him why you felt so mad tonight. Write out every detail, and if it brings up a topic you hadn't thought about, explore it! "hm, maybe you going out makes me think you'll cheat on me, but maybe that's just a trust issue in general, I wonder where this trust issue stems from, maybe it's because my father used to lie to me" <- I mean obviously I don't know what's happened in your past, but you get the gist. You don't have to actually give him the letter, or you can if you still feel seething when he gets home. The point is, there are other ways you can vent without it doing direct damage to your relationship and over time, you may find these strategies to be much more effective (and thus much more appealing) than yelling.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by VivianLuna90
    I know this...
    I just wish my emotions understood that too... I really really dont want to be that type of person...im working so hard right now trying to hold everything back...
    You can control your anger through triggers and by gaining a better understanding.

    The root of anger is feeling wronged and getting angry gets you more control in the immediate situation at a possible cost of future control. You get angry because you feel wronged that you could not go with him even though you love him and he loves you. That loves makes you feel like he should've included you and since that makes you feel wronged you want to be angry to get more love out of him. And while you are angry you are getting more attention than you normally would which balances out the time he spent outside but then it puts the relationship in peril overall. So understanding this is the first step, next you can try using triggers. Tell yourself that once you're angry you are more likely to do something impulsive that you may not be able to do damage control on. You may do something you deeply regret. If you say this a lot to yourself you will trigger yourself to be worried about being angry before you get angry.

    The other thing you can do is be upfront and decide how much time and attention you need before you're ok with him going out on his on. If this is currently set to 24 hours a day then you have a problem, otherwise if your needs are met you should not be getting angry upon his return.

    The third thing you can do is lower expectations and accept that people make mistakes or have needs of their own. Being in love you may think that your boyfriend *must* want to spend all his time with you if he's in love with you. And then if he's saying he's in love and isn't then he's clearly a liar. You may have other expectations that may be difficult to meet. Lowering these expectations will lower how in love you are but at the same time you'll be considerably less angry. Your expectations should be lowered though if they don't line up with reality.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered that he is either consciously or unconsciously trying to push buttons?

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