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Thread: Cheating? Thoughts? Opinions?

  1. #1
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    Cheating? Thoughts? Opinions?

    I saw a woman long-distance (her in DC, me in NYC) for about 5 months. She had just gotten out of a marriage that I had played a part in undoing (we kissed once while she was married).

    We spent 4 weekends together during this period. The weekends were extremely passionate, physical, and close. In the downtime apart, we texted most days like bf/gf but I would sometimes act aloof and distant, and go 2-3 days without contacting her, which she said bothered her. I was generally investing less into the communication than she was but always replied to her texts (I was excited to get texts from her and never ignored her), and reached out to her 2-3 times per week. We never had the 'talk' and there was never a verbal confirmation of our status or the expectations. However, we would call each other "just to hear your voice" and make plans to take trips and do things etc. So it felt like a relationship.

    After a 2-week stretch of spotty communication where her texts were less frequent but still upbeat and chatty, I called her, and she told me that she had been seeing another man in DC who was more nurturing, emotionally open, and boyfriend material. The 'opposite' of me, she said. She also said "you're too hot and cold" and "I'm very attracted to you but I'm confused about what I want because I like him too" and "I'm just getting out of a marriage and I have options." Basically, 'I've met someone new and I am moving on' and 'I don't want to commit to a LDR with you, and I'd rather date locally right now with men who will fulfill my emotional needs.' I ended things and did her job for her. I have been in NC since.

    Fine, her attraction for me fell from its height as she felt more and more emotionally neglected, and attractive women always have interested men in their orbit, so she decided she was tired of how I was showing up in our 'thing' and decided to go give one of these men a shot. It developed into a connection. I can own that. She's a 32 old woman, newly single, we had no exclusivity, she's within her right to move on to a better mate. It's my loss.

    What I'm having some trouble is is this:

    Prior to my last visit to her in DC, some things stuck out. We had sort of been on bad terms that week, not communicating, and she texted me Friday morning 'hey not sure if you're still coming, we haven't really spoken this week.' I said I was, and she asked me to come after 9PM so she could 'clean up her apartment.' She was then suspiciously insistent on using a condom that evening, when she was on the pill and I had been cleared for STD's. We had never once used a condom, although she did mention that me ejaculating repeatedly into her gave her vaginal irritation and yeast infections (we would have sex 9-10 times during on these weekends). But she was really adamant about it that evening which wasn't ordinary.

    Do I have reason to be suspicious, and if she did indeed have sex with another man before me, is this cheating?

  2. #2
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    Nope. And here's why:

    We never had the 'talk' and there was never a verbal confirmation of our status or the expectations

    Doesn't matter if you engaged in "couple-y" behaviors.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What bolt said.

    You guys were never a couple, never committed. In your shoes—and I've been in versions—I'd have assumed she was exploring others and sleeping with others the whole time, as she had every right to do.

    So—no, no cheating, and nothing to be suspicious of. She was honest with you. If she was insistent that you use a condom because she slept with someone else—good on her. If she insisted for other reasons, be they related to yeast infections or suspicions about aloof you—also good on her.

    You sound like a good dude, able to take this all on the chin with grace. Sounds like this might be a brief, but important, relationship to get you to open up a bit more, be more honest about the kind of connection you want.

  4. #4
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    So, you were cheating with a married woman and you're bugged that she may have also been cheating with yet another guy?

    Mov e on, don't help married women cheat. Get tested for STIs.

    Maybe think of her poor husband. How would you feel with such a wife?

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  6. #5
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    You were cleared of STI’s but she wasn’t ?
    Don’t worry about what she was or wasn’t up to.
    Get your self checked again for STI’s.
    You were long distance so was going to end anyway.
    Probably also rebound for her.

    Oh and no she wasn’t cheating but yes possibly having sex with multiples.

  7. #6
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    She was cheating with you. Why was that okay?

    Dude, you should always use condoms. You don't know what others are doing.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-28-2019 at 01:27 AM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Nope, not cheating. If you want exclusivity, ask for it. If you get excited when a woman you're seeing texts you, you should text more, she'll get excited too. This has nothing to do with her attractiveness, she stood up for her needs that you weren't fulfilling and good for her.

  9. #8
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    If you like someone, show it. Drop the games. it's boring.

  10. #9
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    No, it isn't cheating. You were not a couple.

    You also concede you were aloof and distant. Not sure what your strategy was there, but you can see that it didn't work if your goal was to establish something more solid with her. Women are going to get tired of the distant guy, and when another man shows up who does offer her that desired level of communication and attention, well, you're toast.

    But remember that this is someone who doesn't particularly value transparency and ethics anyway. You knew that from the beginning when she was still married but messing around with you. Again, I have a hard time understanding why you're surprised that she found another man when you two were seeing each other. You know her deal; perhaps you got a little big for your boots and assumed she wouldn't ditch you too, but here we are.

    This one is done, but it didn't have legs to begin with. Next time, steer clear of married or otherwise committed women. It generally doesn't go well for the affair partner once they're single and dating again.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    9-10 times in one weekend?....wow!!! double wow.

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