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I saw a woman long-distance (her in DC, me in NYC) for about 5 months. She had just gotten out of a marriage that I had played a part in undoing (we kissed once while she was married).

 

We spent 4 weekends together during this period. The weekends were extremely passionate, physical, and close. In the downtime apart, we texted most days like bf/gf but I would sometimes act aloof and distant, and go 2-3 days without contacting her, which she said bothered her. I was generally investing less into the communication than she was but always replied to her texts (I was excited to get texts from her and never ignored her), and reached out to her 2-3 times per week. We never had the 'talk' and there was never a verbal confirmation of our status or the expectations. However, we would call each other "just to hear your voice" and make plans to take trips and do things etc. So it felt like a relationship.

 

After a 2-week stretch of spotty communication where her texts were less frequent but still upbeat and chatty, I called her, and she told me that she had been seeing another man in DC who was more nurturing, emotionally open, and boyfriend material. The 'opposite' of me, she said. She also said "you're too hot and cold" and "I'm very attracted to you but I'm confused about what I want because I like him too" and "I'm just getting out of a marriage and I have options." Basically, 'I've met someone new and I am moving on' and 'I don't want to commit to a LDR with you, and I'd rather date locally right now with men who will fulfill my emotional needs.' I ended things and did her job for her. I have been in NC since.

 

Fine, her attraction for me fell from its height as she felt more and more emotionally neglected, and attractive women always have interested men in their orbit, so she decided she was tired of how I was showing up in our 'thing' and decided to go give one of these men a shot. It developed into a connection. I can own that. She's a 32 old woman, newly single, we had no exclusivity, she's within her right to move on to a better mate. It's my loss.

 

What I'm having some trouble is is this:

 

Prior to my last visit to her in DC, some things stuck out. We had sort of been on bad terms that week, not communicating, and she texted me Friday morning 'hey not sure if you're still coming, we haven't really spoken this week.' I said I was, and she asked me to come after 9PM so she could 'clean up her apartment.' She was then suspiciously insistent on using a condom that evening, when she was on the pill and I had been cleared for STD's. We had never once used a condom, although she did mention that me ejaculating repeatedly into her gave her vaginal irritation and yeast infections (we would have sex 9-10 times during on these weekends). But she was really adamant about it that evening which wasn't ordinary.

 

Do I have reason to be suspicious, and if she did indeed have sex with another man before me, is this cheating?

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What bolt said.

 

You guys were never a couple, never committed. In your shoes—and I've been in versions—I'd have assumed she was exploring others and sleeping with others the whole time, as she had every right to do.

 

So—no, no cheating, and nothing to be suspicious of. She was honest with you. If she was insistent that you use a condom because she slept with someone else—good on her. If she insisted for other reasons, be they related to yeast infections or suspicions about aloof you—also good on her.

 

You sound like a good dude, able to take this all on the chin with grace. Sounds like this might be a brief, but important, relationship to get you to open up a bit more, be more honest about the kind of connection you want.

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So, you were cheating with a married woman and you're bugged that she may have also been cheating with yet another guy?

 

Mov e on, don't help married women cheat. Get tested for STIs.

 

Maybe think of her poor husband. How would you feel with such a wife?

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You were cleared of STI’s but she wasn’t ?

Don’t worry about what she was or wasn’t up to.

Get your self checked again for STI’s.

You were long distance so was going to end anyway.

Probably also rebound for her.

 

Oh and no she wasn’t cheating but yes possibly having sex with multiples.

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Nope, not cheating. If you want exclusivity, ask for it. If you get excited when a woman you're seeing texts you, you should text more, she'll get excited too. This has nothing to do with her attractiveness, she stood up for her needs that you weren't fulfilling and good for her.

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No, it isn't cheating. You were not a couple.

 

You also concede you were aloof and distant. Not sure what your strategy was there, but you can see that it didn't work if your goal was to establish something more solid with her. Women are going to get tired of the distant guy, and when another man shows up who does offer her that desired level of communication and attention, well, you're toast.

 

But remember that this is someone who doesn't particularly value transparency and ethics anyway. You knew that from the beginning when she was still married but messing around with you. Again, I have a hard time understanding why you're surprised that she found another man when you two were seeing each other. You know her deal; perhaps you got a little big for your boots and assumed she wouldn't ditch you too, but here we are.

 

This one is done, but it didn't have legs to begin with. Next time, steer clear of married or otherwise committed women. It generally doesn't go well for the affair partner once they're single and dating again.

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Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them a lot.

 

The backstory is that I was madly infatuated with her in college (although she would have none of my testosterone-fueled antics and always chose the more sensitive artistic types over me) and kept in touch since. She moved to London and wasn't happy there, in her marriage, and our Facebook correspondence gave her solace -- and allowed her romantic feelings to grow for me.

 

Two years ago we met briefly when she visited another friend in NYC. We had drinks and she admitted she had feelings for me. We met up again the next day, and after a few more drinks, she admitted that her husband had cheated on her, and when she realized she didn't care that he did, she knew the marriage wasn't right for her. In a moment of pent-up passion that for her had been building up for over a year, and me for 13 years, we kissed. It was passionate but went no further than a kiss.

 

She returned to London and told her husband what had happened, and blocked me from Facebook in respect of his wishes.

 

A year later, last November, she got back in touch with me and said she was now living in DC, divorcing her husband, and that not a day had gone by that she didn't think of me. I told her that I felt the same, and we met up in DC where our thing started.

 

When we ended, she expressed some indignation when I told her 'we had no long-term potential' by replying 'and you're basing that decision on our brief go as a "couple?" I'd like you to elaborate on that.' It seems to me that she thought we could be something more, but eventually lost interest in further un-returned investment to grow our relationship.

 

We eventually both admitted that we loved each other in that final text exchange, but agreed, at least in that moment, that it didn't mean we were right for each other. The last thing I said was "thank you for giving me closure" and the last thing she said to me was "I will miss you and will continue to love you."

 

So this wasn't some girl I had met out of the blue and started dating casually. There's history here, and at one point during our thing, we were madly in love with each other.

 

The reason I am asking this, is because there is a glimmer of hope in me that one day we will reconnect again. Obviously, for that to happen, there needs to be trust and although I understand that she didn't technically cheat, I still feel there was a lack of transparency about seeing other men in DC while we were apart. If there was, that's obviously going to affect my hindsight of our history, and whether the feelings she was showing me were only for me, or if it was kind of an act.

 

Thanks for reading, and any further thoughts.

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Dude....what you do know for a fact is that she'll cheat on her husband. What you absolutely do not know is what actually went on in her marriage. Cheaters rarely tell the truth. I think it's rather ironic that you are worrying about her cheating on you when you helped her cheat. You've been carrying a torch for what you imagine this woman is for years. Time to wake the eff up and see her for who she actually is - a wh... who isn't that into you, but was happy to use you until she found more, better, closer, etc.

 

Dude....get your head on straight and forget she exists. This is sick on your part. She ain't the one who got away....she is a nightmare you've narrowly dodged.

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So this wasn't some girl I had met out of the blue and started dating casually. There's history here, and at one point during our thing, we were madly in love with each other.

 

That may once have been the case, but it evidently does not hold true anymore. Not for her, anyway.

 

It's time to let go of this.

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You are romanticizing the cheating you helped in. She was having an emotional affair with you online. Then she lost feelings for her husband and poof it is over between them and on with you.

 

She is a cheater. Be glad she made you wear a condom because some other dude had just left her place at 8:30 after making his deposit.

 

You were used emotionally and yes you were a rebound. She is pretty and probably on a few dating sites and getting all kinds of attention (her options comment) and she is test driving guys and you are last years model.

 

You lucked out so try and see the silver lining. She would have eventually cheated on you too.

 

Lost

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Dude....what you do know for a fact is that she'll cheat on her husband. What you absolutely do not know is what actually went on in her marriage. Cheaters rarely tell the truth. I think it's rather ironic that you are worrying about her cheating on you when you helped her cheat. You've been carrying a torch for what you imagine this woman is for years. Time to wake the eff up and see her for who she actually is - a wh... who isn't that into you, but was happy to use you until she found more, better, closer, etc.

 

Dude....get your head on straight and forget she exists. This is sick on your part. She ain't the one who got away....she is a nightmare you've narrowly dodged.

 

There's probably a kernel of truth here but it sounds like an overly harsh assessment. Maybe you're right. But I don't believe her investment into me, the daily texts she was sending trying to share her life and thoughts with me, the really thoughtful gifts she bought me, was manipulation and deception to string me along until she lined up a suitable replacement. She is undoubtedly an emotionally needy person, and was emotionally vulnerable just getting out of a 6-year marriage.

 

To a certain extent yes, I filled a void in her life left by her isolation in a new city and recent divorce. But it was my complacency, taking her affection and texts and attention for granted by not reciprocating in equal measure, that created a new void in her life. She likely felt I didn't care all that much about her, her feelings, and that I was just in it for the sex. Sometimes I disregarded her feelings and vulnerability with a sneering disdain 'don't bother me with your feelings BS, I'm busy.' In some ways, I was a cold to her. The void I was creating was then filled by someone else. I think that's just the cyclical nature of dating and relationships -- realizing an arrangement isn't working anymore, and moving on.

 

I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.

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There's probably a kernel of truth here but it sounds like an overly harsh assessment. Maybe you're right. But I don't believe her investment into me, the daily texts she was sending trying to share her life and thoughts with me, the really thoughtful gifts she bought me, was manipulation and deception to string me along until she lined up a suitable replacement. She is undoubtedly an emotionally needy person, and was emotionally vulnerable just getting out of a 6-year marriage.

 

To a certain extent yes, I filled a void in her life left by her isolation in a new city and recent divorce. But it was my complacency, taking her affection and texts and attention for granted by not reciprocating in equal measure, that created a new void in her life. She likely felt I didn't care all that much about her, her feelings, and that I was just in it for the sex. Sometimes I disregarded her feelings and vulnerability with a sneering disdain 'don't bother me with your feelings BS, I'm busy.' In some ways, I was a cold to her. The void I was creating was then filled by someone else. I think that's just the cyclical nature of dating and relationships -- realizing an arrangement isn't working anymore, and moving on.

 

I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.

 

Why on earth? You've already given her 13 years only to be discarded when she found someone she liked better. Why go back for Round 3?

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I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.

 

I think that's what folks here are trying to warn you about.

 

For all the loving gestures she made towards you, she sure doesn't value honesty, transparency and commitment much in general. She would've left her marriage before getting involved with you, if that were the case. The way she treated her marriage is pretty telling, and it's not good.

 

I think she needs to be on her own for a good, long while and learn to stand on her own two feet again without having a man to emotionally lean on. Monkey-branching from one man to another to another leaves very little time for reflection, for growth as a person, and for learning from past relationship mistakes. So while you goofed by being aloof and too distant, I am not convinced you two would have done well as an official couple in the long-run, when the monotony of daily life inevitably sets in and she starts getting bored or restless again.

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I remember after we would part after our torrid weekends together, she would be in this state of total despair and helplessness. She would text me how awful and lonely she felt after I left her. That always raised my eyebrows, I would be thinking "wow, she is not okay being alone."

 

So I knew she was wildly insecure emotionally and that she would, whether the circumstances were right or not, fill the void in her soul left by the absence of a physically present romantic partner. All of my friends have told me, probably correctly, "even if you had been official, and been a good boyfriend, she would have cheated with someone in DC eventually." Our LDR was on borrowed time from the get go. This is a tough truth to swallow. I was really in love with her, had been for years, and for the first time in my life, I made love to a woman. It was always just 'banging chicks' and 'f--king' but I made love to her and it was amazing. It's going to take me a while to do that with someone else again, which is why I'm feeling this loss particularly hard.

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I remember after we would part after our torrid weekends together, she would be in this state of total despair and helplessness. She would text me how awful and lonely she felt after I left her. That always raised my eyebrows, I would be thinking "wow, she is not okay being alone."

 

So I knew she was wildly insecure emotionally and that she would, whether the circumstances were right or not, fill the void in her soul left by the absence of a physically present romantic partner. All of my friends have told me, probably correctly, "even if you had been official, and been a good boyfriend, she would have cheated with someone in DC eventually." Our LDR was on borrowed time from the get go. This is a tough truth to swallow. I was really in love with her, had been for years, and for the first time in my life, I made love to a woman. It was always just 'banging chicks' and 'f--king' but I made love to her and it was amazing. It's going to take me a while to do that with someone else again, which is why I'm feeling this loss particularly hard.

 

I sincerely hope that you see the light and move on faster and take what you learned with you to a real relationship with a good woman. This woman, you have been in love with is a fantasy and it's time for you to admit that to yourself. As for making love......why deprive yourself for a long time. Let go of the fantasy and start living in real honest relationships where you do make love rather than just fck.

 

Your friends are right and people on here calling it what it is are right. You know this, you just have to get to a point where you accept and internalize it for yourself. Where you stop seeing her as a damsel in distress and see her for what she truly is - a cheater and an attention wh... Everyone else around you seems to already see it. Believe them and stop harming yourself by being unavailable for true love and good relationships because you are stuck in this game.

 

As for her genuine investment and emotions.....yeah...cheaters are really really good at playing a victim that you'll feel sorry for and want to rescue. The ultimate damsel in distress....sob.....sob..... In her mind she may well believe it too....but that's the problem with these people. They are forever a victim and if you ever step into the shoes of the SO, you just become the focus of their problems while they continue to seek to be rescued elsewhere. The cheating game never ends. They are consumed with it like a drug addict. Just like a drug addict, you can't fix them, help them or rescue them from themselves. They have to decide for themselves that they want to and in many cases, they don't actually want to at all. Being how they are works for them just fine - there is new sucker born every minute. You, OP, need to stop being the sucker du jour.

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I sincerely hope that you see the light and move on faster and take what you learned with you to a real relationship with a good woman. This woman, you have been in love with is a fantasy and it's time for you to admit that to yourself. As for making love......why deprive yourself for a long time. Let go of the fantasy and start living in real honest relationships where you do make love rather than just fck.

 

Your friends are right and people on here calling it what it is are right. You know this, you just have to get to a point where you accept and internalize it for yourself. Where you stop seeing her as a damsel in distress and see her for what she truly is - a cheater and an attention wh... Everyone else around you seems to already see it. Believe them and stop harming yourself by being unavailable for true love and good relationships because you are stuck in this game.

 

As for her genuine investment and emotions.....yeah...cheaters are really really good at playing a victim that you'll feel sorry for and want to rescue. The ultimate damsel in distress....sob.....sob..... In her mind she may well believe it too....but that's the problem with these people. They are forever a victim and if you ever step into the shoes of the SO, you just become the focus of their problems while they continue to seek to be rescued elsewhere. The cheating game never ends. They are consumed with it like a drug addict. Just like a drug addict, you can't fix them, help them or rescue them from themselves. They have to decide for themselves that they want to and in many cases, they don't actually want to at all. Being how they are works for them just fine - there is new sucker born every minute. You, OP, need to stop being the sucker du jour.

 

Hard to read but I'm starting to see that you are right. The reason I idolized her wasn't because she was worthy of idolization. It was my own hangup about the pretty girl I couldn't have in college. It was an unhealthy infatuation, that led to an inappropriate long-distance Facebook relationship, and that culminated in an intense, but brief, sexual relationship when she monkey-branched to me.

 

I'm thinking of her miserable ex-husband, who she used to fill the void of being a new arrival in a foreign city. If she was feeling alone and isolated in DC, that was amplified 1000x in London. He was her 2nd OKCupid date and they married in under a year. He filled the void, and she was in love with him for that, but once that faded, and she was stuck with him, she became unhappy. Hence, enter me. This new guy is the new British husband. The new me. And there will be a new one after him.

 

She's not the one who got away. I'm the one who dodged the bullet. I'm the one who got away.

 

And I got away a better person, a person who understands that relationships are about giving and always showing love. Not being content for being loved. Thank you all so much for your feedback and brutal honesty.

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There's probably a kernel of truth here but it sounds like an overly harsh assessment. Maybe you're right. But I don't believe her investment into me, the daily texts she was sending trying to share her life and thoughts with me, the really thoughtful gifts she bought me, was manipulation and deception to string me along until she lined up a suitable replacement. She is undoubtedly an emotionally needy person, and was emotionally vulnerable just getting out of a 6-year marriage.

 

To a certain extent yes, I filled a void in her life left by her isolation in a new city and recent divorce. But it was my complacency, taking her affection and texts and attention for granted by not reciprocating in equal measure, that created a new void in her life. She likely felt I didn't care all that much about her, her feelings, and that I was just in it for the sex. Sometimes I disregarded her feelings and vulnerability with a sneering disdain 'don't bother me with your feelings BS, I'm busy.' In some ways, I was a cold to her. The void I was creating was then filled by someone else. I think that's just the cyclical nature of dating and relationships -- realizing an arrangement isn't working anymore, and moving on.

 

I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.

 

She was married. End of story.

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