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Thread: Cheating? Thoughts? Opinions?

  1. #11
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    Thanks for the replies, I appreciate them a lot.

    The backstory is that I was madly infatuated with her in college (although she would have none of my testosterone-fueled antics and always chose the more sensitive artistic types over me) and kept in touch since. She moved to London and wasn't happy there, in her marriage, and our Facebook correspondence gave her solace -- and allowed her romantic feelings to grow for me.

    Two years ago we met briefly when she visited another friend in NYC. We had drinks and she admitted she had feelings for me. We met up again the next day, and after a few more drinks, she admitted that her husband had cheated on her, and when she realized she didn't care that he did, she knew the marriage wasn't right for her. In a moment of pent-up passion that for her had been building up for over a year, and me for 13 years, we kissed. It was passionate but went no further than a kiss.

    She returned to London and told her husband what had happened, and blocked me from Facebook in respect of his wishes.

    A year later, last November, she got back in touch with me and said she was now living in DC, divorcing her husband, and that not a day had gone by that she didn't think of me. I told her that I felt the same, and we met up in DC where our thing started.

    When we ended, she expressed some indignation when I told her 'we had no long-term potential' by replying 'and you're basing that decision on our brief go as a "couple?" I'd like you to elaborate on that.' It seems to me that she thought we could be something more, but eventually lost interest in further un-returned investment to grow our relationship.

    We eventually both admitted that we loved each other in that final text exchange, but agreed, at least in that moment, that it didn't mean we were right for each other. The last thing I said was "thank you for giving me closure" and the last thing she said to me was "I will miss you and will continue to love you."

    So this wasn't some girl I had met out of the blue and started dating casually. There's history here, and at one point during our thing, we were madly in love with each other.

    The reason I am asking this, is because there is a glimmer of hope in me that one day we will reconnect again. Obviously, for that to happen, there needs to be trust and although I understand that she didn't technically cheat, I still feel there was a lack of transparency about seeing other men in DC while we were apart. If there was, that's obviously going to affect my hindsight of our history, and whether the feelings she was showing me were only for me, or if it was kind of an act.

    Thanks for reading, and any further thoughts.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Dude....what you do know for a fact is that she'll cheat on her husband. What you absolutely do not know is what actually went on in her marriage. Cheaters rarely tell the truth. I think it's rather ironic that you are worrying about her cheating on you when you helped her cheat. You've been carrying a torch for what you imagine this woman is for years. Time to wake the eff up and see her for who she actually is - a wh... who isn't that into you, but was happy to use you until she found more, better, closer, etc.

    Dude....get your head on straight and forget she exists. This is sick on your part. She ain't the one who got away....she is a nightmare you've narrowly dodged.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by rjc149
    So this wasn't some girl I had met out of the blue and started dating casually. There's history here, and at one point during our thing, we were madly in love with each other.
    That may once have been the case, but it evidently does not hold true anymore. Not for her, anyway.

    It's time to let go of this.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You are romanticizing the cheating you helped in. She was having an emotional affair with you online. Then she lost feelings for her husband and poof it is over between them and on with you.

    She is a cheater. Be glad she made you wear a condom because some other dude had just left her place at 8:30 after making his deposit.

    You were used emotionally and yes you were a rebound. She is pretty and probably on a few dating sites and getting all kinds of attention (her options comment) and she is test driving guys and you are last years model.

    You lucked out so try and see the silver lining. She would have eventually cheated on you too.

    Lost

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Dude....what you do know for a fact is that she'll cheat on her husband. What you absolutely do not know is what actually went on in her marriage. Cheaters rarely tell the truth. I think it's rather ironic that you are worrying about her cheating on you when you helped her cheat. You've been carrying a torch for what you imagine this woman is for years. Time to wake the eff up and see her for who she actually is - a wh... who isn't that into you, but was happy to use you until she found more, better, closer, etc.

    Dude....get your head on straight and forget she exists. This is sick on your part. She ain't the one who got away....she is a nightmare you've narrowly dodged.
    There's probably a kernel of truth here but it sounds like an overly harsh assessment. Maybe you're right. But I don't believe her investment into me, the daily texts she was sending trying to share her life and thoughts with me, the really thoughtful gifts she bought me, was manipulation and deception to string me along until she lined up a suitable replacement. She is undoubtedly an emotionally needy person, and was emotionally vulnerable just getting out of a 6-year marriage.

    To a certain extent yes, I filled a void in her life left by her isolation in a new city and recent divorce. But it was my complacency, taking her affection and texts and attention for granted by not reciprocating in equal measure, that created a new void in her life. She likely felt I didn't care all that much about her, her feelings, and that I was just in it for the sex. Sometimes I disregarded her feelings and vulnerability with a sneering disdain 'don't bother me with your feelings BS, I'm busy.' In some ways, I was a cold to her. The void I was creating was then filled by someone else. I think that's just the cyclical nature of dating and relationships -- realizing an arrangement isn't working anymore, and moving on.

    I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by rjc149
    There's probably a kernel of truth here but it sounds like an overly harsh assessment. Maybe you're right. But I don't believe her investment into me, the daily texts she was sending trying to share her life and thoughts with me, the really thoughtful gifts she bought me, was manipulation and deception to string me along until she lined up a suitable replacement. She is undoubtedly an emotionally needy person, and was emotionally vulnerable just getting out of a 6-year marriage.

    To a certain extent yes, I filled a void in her life left by her isolation in a new city and recent divorce. But it was my complacency, taking her affection and texts and attention for granted by not reciprocating in equal measure, that created a new void in her life. She likely felt I didn't care all that much about her, her feelings, and that I was just in it for the sex. Sometimes I disregarded her feelings and vulnerability with a sneering disdain 'don't bother me with your feelings BS, I'm busy.' In some ways, I was a cold to her. The void I was creating was then filled by someone else. I think that's just the cyclical nature of dating and relationships -- realizing an arrangement isn't working anymore, and moving on.

    I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.
    Why on earth? You've already given her 13 years only to be discarded when she found someone she liked better. Why go back for Round 3?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by rjc149
    I can, and will, become a better lover. Not for her, but in general. I'm just wondering if she is a woman worth reaching out to again at some point, or being receptive if she does.
    I think that's what folks here are trying to warn you about.

    For all the loving gestures she made towards you, she sure doesn't value honesty, transparency and commitment much in general. She would've left her marriage before getting involved with you, if that were the case. The way she treated her marriage is pretty telling, and it's not good.

    I think she needs to be on her own for a good, long while and learn to stand on her own two feet again without having a man to emotionally lean on. Monkey-branching from one man to another to another leaves very little time for reflection, for growth as a person, and for learning from past relationship mistakes. So while you goofed by being aloof and too distant, I am not convinced you two would have done well as an official couple in the long-run, when the monotony of daily life inevitably sets in and she starts getting bored or restless again.

  9. #18
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    I remember after we would part after our torrid weekends together, she would be in this state of total despair and helplessness. She would text me how awful and lonely she felt after I left her. That always raised my eyebrows, I would be thinking "wow, she is not okay being alone."

    So I knew she was wildly insecure emotionally and that she would, whether the circumstances were right or not, fill the void in her soul left by the absence of a physically present romantic partner. All of my friends have told me, probably correctly, "even if you had been official, and been a good boyfriend, she would have cheated with someone in DC eventually." Our LDR was on borrowed time from the get go. This is a tough truth to swallow. I was really in love with her, had been for years, and for the first time in my life, I made love to a woman. It was always just 'banging chicks' and 'f--king' but I made love to her and it was amazing. It's going to take me a while to do that with someone else again, which is why I'm feeling this loss particularly hard.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rjc149
    I remember after we would part after our torrid weekends together, she would be in this state of total despair and helplessness. She would text me how awful and lonely she felt after I left her. That always raised my eyebrows, I would be thinking "wow, she is not okay being alone."

    So I knew she was wildly insecure emotionally and that she would, whether the circumstances were right or not, fill the void in her soul left by the absence of a physically present romantic partner. All of my friends have told me, probably correctly, "even if you had been official, and been a good boyfriend, she would have cheated with someone in DC eventually." Our LDR was on borrowed time from the get go. This is a tough truth to swallow. I was really in love with her, had been for years, and for the first time in my life, I made love to a woman. It was always just 'banging chicks' and 'f--king' but I made love to her and it was amazing. It's going to take me a while to do that with someone else again, which is why I'm feeling this loss particularly hard.
    I sincerely hope that you see the light and move on faster and take what you learned with you to a real relationship with a good woman. This woman, you have been in love with is a fantasy and it's time for you to admit that to yourself. As for making love......why deprive yourself for a long time. Let go of the fantasy and start living in real honest relationships where you do make love rather than just fck.

    Your friends are right and people on here calling it what it is are right. You know this, you just have to get to a point where you accept and internalize it for yourself. Where you stop seeing her as a damsel in distress and see her for what she truly is - a cheater and an attention wh... Everyone else around you seems to already see it. Believe them and stop harming yourself by being unavailable for true love and good relationships because you are stuck in this game.

    As for her genuine investment and emotions.....yeah...cheaters are really really good at playing a victim that you'll feel sorry for and want to rescue. The ultimate damsel in distress....sob.....sob..... In her mind she may well believe it too....but that's the problem with these people. They are forever a victim and if you ever step into the shoes of the SO, you just become the focus of their problems while they continue to seek to be rescued elsewhere. The cheating game never ends. They are consumed with it like a drug addict. Just like a drug addict, you can't fix them, help them or rescue them from themselves. They have to decide for themselves that they want to and in many cases, they don't actually want to at all. Being how they are works for them just fine - there is new sucker born every minute. You, OP, need to stop being the sucker du jour.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I sincerely hope that you see the light and move on faster and take what you learned with you to a real relationship with a good woman. This woman, you have been in love with is a fantasy and it's time for you to admit that to yourself. As for making love......why deprive yourself for a long time. Let go of the fantasy and start living in real honest relationships where you do make love rather than just fck.

    Your friends are right and people on here calling it what it is are right. You know this, you just have to get to a point where you accept and internalize it for yourself. Where you stop seeing her as a damsel in distress and see her for what she truly is - a cheater and an attention wh... Everyone else around you seems to already see it. Believe them and stop harming yourself by being unavailable for true love and good relationships because you are stuck in this game.

    As for her genuine investment and emotions.....yeah...cheaters are really really good at playing a victim that you'll feel sorry for and want to rescue. The ultimate damsel in distress....sob.....sob..... In her mind she may well believe it too....but that's the problem with these people. They are forever a victim and if you ever step into the shoes of the SO, you just become the focus of their problems while they continue to seek to be rescued elsewhere. The cheating game never ends. They are consumed with it like a drug addict. Just like a drug addict, you can't fix them, help them or rescue them from themselves. They have to decide for themselves that they want to and in many cases, they don't actually want to at all. Being how they are works for them just fine - there is new sucker born every minute. You, OP, need to stop being the sucker du jour.
    Hard to read but I'm starting to see that you are right. The reason I idolized her wasn't because she was worthy of idolization. It was my own hangup about the pretty girl I couldn't have in college. It was an unhealthy infatuation, that led to an inappropriate long-distance Facebook relationship, and that culminated in an intense, but brief, sexual relationship when she monkey-branched to me.

    I'm thinking of her miserable ex-husband, who she used to fill the void of being a new arrival in a foreign city. If she was feeling alone and isolated in DC, that was amplified 1000x in London. He was her 2nd OKCupid date and they married in under a year. He filled the void, and she was in love with him for that, but once that faded, and she was stuck with him, she became unhappy. Hence, enter me. This new guy is the new British husband. The new me. And there will be a new one after him.

    She's not the one who got away. I'm the one who dodged the bullet. I'm the one who got away.

    And I got away a better person, a person who understands that relationships are about giving and always showing love. Not being content for being loved. Thank you all so much for your feedback and brutal honesty.

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