Should I date a guy with a criminal and chemical dependency record?

I met an amazing guy online, on a dating app, and we had been seeing each other for about a month and a half. We are both in our mid 30's, he a bit younger than me. He was very sweet and giving, a complete gentleman, and our personalities were very similar. We seemed to be the perfect match! After about 3 weeks of seeing each other a few times a week, he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I accepted. After some more time, he started dropping hints that he was falling in love with me but never actually admitted it. I felt like the same though things seemed to be moving fast so I never said anything either and wanted to give it more time. Before our first date he admitted to me that his sobriety was #1 to him, he had DUIs and been caught running from cops drunk on his motorcycle. He went to treatment and has since cleaned up his act. He has a steady job but lives in a bad situation with friends who drink/do drugs that he is trying to get out of but isn’t able to find anywhere affordable that will accept him. He hasn’t gotten his license back yet and is working on that also.

He was upfront with me and said I could ask any questions I had from the beginning about that situation, which I appreciated, and left the option to go on a date open if I didn’t want to at the time.

I just found out yesterday after one of my cousins who is a cop looked him up that he has a lengthy criminal record. Some on there I knew about, DUIs, treatment, drug problems in the past with Meth. There were also charges of domestic violence, stalking, and disobeying orders. These all scared my parents and cousins when they found out, obviously, and they let me know. They said I needed to break up with him that he was bad news, and that the cop was told by one his cop friends who personally know the guy I’m dating said to “run away” from him. He also found out he had threatened to kill cops from the guy.

I broke things off with him yesterday afterward and let him pick up his stuff outside when I wasn’t there.

After calling him and telling him things were over he was upset but took it well otherwise. He didn’t yell or throw a fit. He hung up on me at the end and texted saying the worst thing to do to someone working on bettering himself is throw his past in his face. He texted me later saying he'll miss me, he loved me, and he is sorry.

I questioned the domestic abuse and he admitted the girl he dated for 9 years ended things after cheating on him and he was depressed, turned to drugs/alcohol. He said he never hit anyone, ever (and said prior that he would never hurt me) but he texted her constantly and that was how he got those charges. He also had many failed suicide attempts but served time, went to counseling, psychiatrist, etc. He said he knew the things I found out on paper were scary but not him anymore. That he wanted a chance to prove to me that it was in the past and he is a different person. The records came up from only a couple years ago or more, so somewhat recent, but he admitted he had been sober for 8 months. Should I continue to see him? Should I date him or maybe at least be friends until more time has passed? My parents are concerned and against it but said they would support my decision. It will be tough if they are not onboard but am hoping if they get to know him and have a chance to talk to him things will get better. He has done nothing wrong in our relationship yet and I can't help but feel like it's unfair to him. He is being honest and really has changed or wants to continue to better himself. People deserve second chances or a chance to change don't they? He said he wouldn't show up uninvited and would leave me alone if I told him too, but he really wants to try to make it work and said ask any questions I have.

I am just not sure right now what decision to make right now and need some help! I have not responded to any of his last few texts. Please help...

I would run. I think save y9ourself the heartache and just run away. plenty of fish in the sea.

also, to add - it would be different if you were both in your 50s and he had this happen in his 30s but he cleaned his act up and has been sober and out of trouble for 20 years. But right now, it sounds like he's still in the thick of it, without a license and living with a bad crowd.

You don't get convicted of domestic violence for excessive texting.

He is either minimizing or outright lying. And that should be reason enough to stop dating him.

I would say you've made the right choice in breaking things off, and should hold that line hard.

It's tough, I know. Those feelings, the connection, the hopes. But this is someone you've only known six weeks, and his "past" isn't really in the past yet. Sober eight months, with those fires in the rear view mirror? That's basically ten seconds into the new life—if that, considering his current living conditions.

If this guy was, say, 45, sober 15 years, and these stories were from his mid-20s—well, that would be different. You wouldn't feel like you were his "second chance" or his "chance to change" because he'd already gone out and gotten that for himself, many times over.

I suspect if you saw all this on his Bumble profile you would have swiped left right away. Not because you think everyone with a past like his is a forever monster, but because you wouldn't want to take the risk. Well, you're still five minutes from that rightward swipe. Think of it like that.

Um, how long has it been since he cleaned up his act?

How long ago was the last DUI?

And why is he living with druggies?

Personally, I'd walk.

The guy is a loser and bad news! You should know this! He was not honest about his past, and you would be a fool to date him, again. So much investment after 1.5 months. Good grief!

You can do much better! Block and delete. You can't be friends, either.

Don't be so desparate to have just anyone in your life.

I wonder if his comments about his unacceptable living situation was a hint for you to offer your home to him? Thank goodness you didnt let him move in!!

Like others have said, break up, block, delete, next!!!!

This guy is nothing but unstable and bad news. Run for the hills! You're better off having a boyfriend who has a clean past, normal, stable and again, normal. Stay away from nut cases.

The biggest red flag here is that he said he would never hurt you even before you knew of his domestic violence .

It’s an admission of guilt right there despite proclaiming innocence.

Run!

Block all contact now.

There is no way in hell I would continue dating this man.

His past isn't far enough into the past to convince me he's put all of it behind him and made some real, sustainable changes. I don't believe he is being honest with you about how he wound up in hot water for domestic violence and stalking, either. Listen to the police officers who know him, OP. They know a lot more about him than you do, and this warning is a gift.

Do with it what you will. I know what my choice would be. I would choose to find a man who comes without all this hassle and doesn't need to be given a second chance for a lengthy criminal record and substance abuse to begin with.

Do not date sociopaths, criminals, drunks, drug addicts or women beaters. Only a fool thinks they are "amazing" because everyone is just a pawn to them. It's that simple. Watch crime drama tv shows. Don't make it your dating life. Differentiate between who is decent to date and who belongs on Criminal Minds. Delete and block this guy immediately.

I met an amazing guy online

I just found out yesterday after one of my cousins who is a cop looked him up that he has a lengthy criminal record. Some on there I knew about, DUIs, treatment, drug problems in the past with Meth. There were also charges of domestic violence, stalking, and disobeying orders.

I'd run as fast as I could. Too much red flags and problems too soon into the relationship. There's no reason to invest with someone with such record and red flags.

Do not date sociopaths, criminals, drunks, drug addicts or women beaters. Only a fool thinks they are "amazing" because everyone is just a pawn to them. It's that simple. Watch crime drama tv shows. Don't make it your dating life. Differentiate between who is decent to date and who belongs on Criminal Minds. Delete and block this guy immediately.

I'm wheezing because I love watching true crime and now everyone can be "the killer" lol

But yes his "past" has all the red flags for an abusive relationship.

Run and don't look back.

IF he was serious about bettering his life, he would be putting 100% of his effort and attention into that and the last thing he'd want to do is date. An addict has to be clean for at least 1.5 years before they can even say they are actually starting to move on. At 8 months he isn't even close and dating is actually against rehab rules. He isn't dating for love, OP, he is dating to find someone to use....and apparently abuse too. He already started to quickly get under your skin with his sob story about how poor him, he is working sooo hard to move on up in life if only his living situation wasn't sooo terrible (hoping that you'll invite him to move in with you soon). He is already manipulating you and you are kind of falling for it.....because despite all the support and information you have about this being a horrible idea, you still feel bad ending things.

OP, he is a predator and your kindness and desire to save someone makes you the perfect prey, aka victim. Please understand that evil people exist and they aren't victims, they are predators. You've just come across one such....and yes, predators can look very nice and cuddly and innocent. If they didn't, you'd never let one near you, so they must be camouflaged to look like a "nice" person. Please listen to your friends and family and be careful. Don't get involved with broken people. Understand that someone who is genuine about fixing themselves will not be looking to date precisely because they are too busy fixing themselves and don't want to divert their energy or revert back to their bad ways. As already pointed out, you can give a person a chance if they've been clean for 10 years, but never just 8 months. That right there screams dishonesty.

DING-DING-DING...

HELLO - Macfly???? Anyone in there?

Seriously... Run and don't look back, no contact. You are setting yourself up for trouble. You can't be that attached to someone in 1.5 months.

Please, think about yourself and move on...

I felt like the same though things seemed to be moving fast so I never said anything either and wanted to give it more time.

 

He has done nothing wrong in our relationship

Your relationship is only 6 weeks old.

Lesson - whenever you feel someone is fast tracking you into a relationship, it's typically because they want you to form an attachment to them quickly because when you find out these things, or their real (post honeymoon) personality comes out you find yourself securely attached and it makes it more difficult to walk away.

Most people won't do anything wrong in the first 6 weeks. Date people, not projects. You're so lucky that you're not serious with him yet. Exit now is my strong opinion. If 2 years from now he is still sober and has his act together and you meet up again -fine.

If he had a DUI from when he was 25 an now he is 50 and that was the only thing that ever happened, I would give him a chance -- but domestic violence charges and everything else - run FAR FAR away.

Honestly, even if he is sober and moved out of his friends' place, I would still not give him a chance. domestic charges are an absolute non-start no go. He is probably hoping you like projects. He gave you the gift of telling you what you are in for - no surprises here...

(and said prior that he would never hurt me)

a man that abused me emotionally, mentally, financially an spiritually never laid a finger on me....

So take that with a grain of salt....

I read your post from 2014 so you have been in a relationship with a guy that isn't a criminal, although that guy was emotionally unavailable.

I hope you always remember you have value and you should never de-value yourself for anyone.

To answer your question: NO you should not date a guy like that!!!

Being alone is better than getting sucked into that mess. That guy shouldn't even be dating until he gets his life straightened out.

Lost

Beware. Unstable people are con artists and always on the hunt for their next victim. They're predators always looking for prey. Don't be a fool. They're charming and pretentious. Never bite the bait otherwise you will be sorry. They'll entrap you. Never get involved and stay far, far, far away. Escape, flee and do whatever it takes. Sever all contacts permanently.

Also predators always look for the mentally weak. Don't make yourself vulnerable to their scheming ways. They'll drain you financially.

he has a lengthy criminal record. Some on there I knew about, DUIs, treatment, drug problems in the past with Meth. There were also charges of domestic violence, stalking, and disobeying orders.

Remember when you had to remember an arithmetic formula? Your first thought about something is most likely the closest to the correct one.

If when you found out this information, your first reaction was to walk away, then you should do that.

These are excellent points. If you have the tendency to being an adrenaline junkie, it's better to finds sports, hobbies or other things that have some pay-off or value. A return on your investment and at least a decent risk v benefit ratio.

Something that is at least adventurous or fun or interesting. That's a better deal than all risk and zero benefit.

This guy is more like the habit of cutting oneself. It's just a way to alleviate pain, numbness and feel something, anything, but at quite a cost.

I read your post from 2014 so you have been in a relationship with a guy that isn't a criminal, although that guy was emotionally unavailable.

I hope you always remember you have value and you should never de-value yourself for anyone.

To answer your question: NO you should not date a guy like that!!!

Being alone is better than getting sucked into that mess. That guy shouldn't even be dating until he gets his life straightened out.

Lost

The guy has not established enough stability to be dating material, much less relationship material. The point of dating is to screen OUT bad matches, not to become their taxi driver and social worker. I'd run, not walk away--and there is no way I'd stay in contact with him. If you continue to do so, you'll learn WHY that's a lousy idea soon enough.