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She Misses but Doesn't Call Me?


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So my girlfriend and i have been dating for 4 months now. 2 of the months have been long distance and will be for a year. She seems interested. We met each other's parents, she talks about the future and looking to move where I'm at.

 

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She used to snapchat me everyday. She doesn't at all anymore (past 2 weeks), and i haven't sent any to her.

She used to call every now and then and now she doesn't at all. I'm always the one calling, but I've stopped drastically.

 

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Anyways, I addressed the topic of our lack of communication 3 times. On the second time she says she's just been working late nights and things will change afterwards. Well, they didn't She went 4 days without contact, and I called her a 3rd time to tell her the only way this will work is if we communicate more. She agreed and said "she's just bad at long distance stuff". She mentioned how she doesn't even call her parents weeks on end and said I'm the most she's tried with. She said she'll call me 'tomorrow', which is today and i'm still waiting on her call. (we'll see if she does)

 

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During the same call, and before I mentioned the lack of communication, she mentioned about how much she missed me the other day. That's when I said "well you should have called", and she just said "yea". She also mentioned that I was "2 days away from getting an interesting text" I asked her the next day what it was and she said "i miss you inside me".

 

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So what do you think is going on? Is she interested in someone else?

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So after knowing someone for only 2 months—pretty short—you committed to be together for a year long distance? Bold move, but I think what you're seeing is why such moves rarely work out.

 

I can't tell you what's going on with her, whether she's losing interest, interested in someone else, or just busy. But it's pretty clear what's going on with you, which is that you're becoming increasingly anxious, unhappy, and hanging on to the smallest of particles (snapchat, etc.) to feel like you've got a deepening connection.

 

What's the supposed plan for how this is supposed to work with the distance? Are you able to see each other, in real life, regularly? If not, it sounds like it's basically a phone relationship with someone you briefly dated IRL—and, sadly, phone relationships tend to fizzle out pretty quick.

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Two weeks after me moving to another location, she booked tickets to see me and stayed a week. We've been dating for a total of 4 months, but only in person for 2.

 

We plan on seeing each other monthly. I'm actually flying there in a week.

 

She said she "missed me the other day", so it shows that she was thinking about me... but i don't get why she didn't call.

 

I don't know if this whole "i'm not good at long distance" stuff is bs or what. She said she'll call today on the trip back from her parents. I'm still waiting on that call.

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So are you both from the same area?

But you moved for work?

Have you met friends where you live? Any social life?

 

I moved to Michigan to work for a fortune 500. She's in school (14 hours by car). She's currently doing an internship a state away from that school. She's living with her girlfriend from college currently.

 

And I don't have a social life here. I'm by myself. I haven't met the type of people i click with yet at work. Its a small group in our division.

 

But, I used to call her every day or every other day. She would call me every now and then, pretty much only during long car rides. I've heavily backed off from calling her. Now its only like every 3 - 4 days. Only bc she never calls.

Also, she doesn't snapchat me anymore,... but she clearly snapchats other people because her score keeps going up.

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I guess i would call her and ask for an honest conversation - say you want to keep dating her but you notice that your frequency of communication has been going down. You know that she is probably very busy with her program and honestly, long distance is hard to do, even for the most committed couples. Ask if she wants to continue dating you. If she says no, that's fine. If she says yes, then tell her you'll need more consistent communication to keep this thing going because it is hard to maintain a connection if you aren't seeing her in person regularly.

 

For your social life - i'd recommend signing up for some clubs or outdoors hiking groups, sports groups, whatever you are interested. I've met a lot of friends in dance class myself. Try to do something that's not with your coworkers. I think that's good too, to not get too close to your coworkers so if you need to vent about a bad week at work, it;'s better to do so with people who don't work there.

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I guess i would call her and ask for an honest conversation - say you want to keep dating her but you notice that your frequency of communication has been going down. You know that she is probably very busy with her program and honestly, long distance is hard to do, even for the most committed couples. Ask if she wants to continue dating you. If she says no, that's fine. If she says yes, then tell her you'll need more consistent communication to keep this thing going because it is hard to maintain a connection if you aren't seeing her in person regularly.

 

For your social life - i'd recommend signing up for some clubs or outdoors hiking groups, sports groups, whatever you are interested. I've met a lot of friends in dance class myself. Try to do something that's not with your coworkers. I think that's good too, to not get too close to your coworkers so if you need to vent about a bad week at work, it;'s better to do so with people who don't work there.

 

 

I already let her know like 5 days ago that we need to communicate more. And I mentioned to her yesterday that "in order for this to work, we'd have to talk more". I still haven't heard from her today, even though she said she'll call during the ride home.

I don't know if she's trying to screw with my head, to make me want her more... or if she just isn't interested.

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I would let it fizzle out personally. LDR is a huge commitment for two people that don’t know each other very well.

 

I really like her, and it would be really hard to find another girl like her. Not impossible, but really hard. Especially being in the area that i'm at now (detroit). She seemed to be crazy about me.

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I think whether she calls today or not is really beside the point. You're already anxious, spinning around, and when there's this much pressure on a phone call you're already in the danger zone.

 

Sounds like the most important thing right now is that you need to start living a life. Get out, do stuff, find things that make you happy and excited, so that a call or snap from her isn't the day's holy grail—so that you feel pretty secure regardless of what's up with her, where this is going. I assure you that if you had a bit more of that you wouldn't be feeling this way about someone who, let's be real, you're very much still getting to know.

 

As for what to do if you don't hear from her? Well, I think you need to have an honest conversation—with yourself—about what you want, need, and whether a long distance relationship is really enough for you. I know it wouldn't be for me, certainly with someone I've only known for 2 months. Personally, the only way I'd ever consider it—never done it—is if I was already with someone for a substantial time (over a year) and I knew the distance was temporary and wouldn't last longer than we'd already been together.

 

But that's just me. Take a moment to really ask what's right for you, and then I guess you have an honest conversation with her about those things. I do worry, I have to say, that you might not be capable of having either of those honest conversations until you're more rooted in your own life.

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I already let her know like 5 days ago that we need to communicate more. And I mentioned to her yesterday that "in order for this to work, we'd have to talk more". I still haven't heard from her today, even though she said she'll call during the ride home.

I don't know if she's trying to screw with my head, to make me want her more... or if she just isn't interested.

 

I guess maybe that is her answer then...? Maybe she doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up with you and she is hoping you'll do it instead. That's cowardly of her, if that's what's going on.

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I already let her know like 5 days ago that we need to communicate more. And I mentioned to her yesterday that "in order for this to work, we'd have to talk more". I still haven't heard from her today, even though she said she'll call during the ride home.

I don't know if she's trying to screw with my head, to make me want her more... or if she just isn't interested.

 

I missed this.

 

Well, if you had that chat yesterday and you don't hear from her today—well, I'd end it. Clean, simple, no dramatics. Otherwise you're basically letting her know that your word means nothing.

 

I mean, what's the point of "toughing it out"? The prospect of more regular snaps? Or the thin salve making you a millimeter less lonesome in a new place?

 

I can only speak for myself but if I even had the faintest idea that someone I was calling my girlfriend was "trying to screw with my head to make me want her more" I'd just be bored to tears. Give me a beer, a book, a pool table and a motorcycle any day over that nonsense.

 

The fact that you're even having that idea, though—well, it means it's working, whether intentional or not. Which means you're very thirsty right now, too thirsty.

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I already let her know like 5 days ago that we need to communicate more. And I mentioned to her yesterday that "in order for this to work, we'd have to talk more". I still haven't heard from her today, even though she said she'll call during the ride home.

I don't know if she's trying to screw with my head, to make me want her more... or if she just isn't interested.

 

No I think she simply got turned off by your apparent insecurity and neediness, and frankly controlling attitude, sorry.

 

You basically gave her an ultimatum, "in order for this to work, we have to talk more." Period.

 

No asking how she felt about more communication, no open honest discussion.

 

Just a command, at least that is what it sounded like, which stemmed from your insecurity and neediness, versus a desire to have a mutually rewarding healthy relationship built on love and trust.

 

Yeah, I may be wrong but she's done, gone. Frankly, I would be too no matter how intoxicating the chemistry in the beginning.

 

Moving forward, learn to chill. It was a freakin phone call, man. Geez.

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I moved to Michigan to work for a fortune 500. She's in school (14 hours by car). She's currently doing an internship a state away from that school. She's living with her girlfriend from college currently.

 

And I don't have a social life here. I'm by myself. I haven't met the type of people i click with yet at work. Its a small group in our division.

 

But, I used to call her every day or every other day. She would call me every now and then, pretty much only during long car rides. I've heavily backed off from calling her. Now its only like every 3 - 4 days. Only bc she never calls.

Also, she doesn't snapchat me anymore,... but she clearly snapchats other people because her score keeps going up.

 

I think you are bored!?

You need to develop a social life there.

Get a hobby, play a sport, whatever.

Because at this point I don’t think you have anything to chat about other than work.

 

And stop checking her Snapchat!!

You are behaving very insecure.

Maybe it’s you not her that isn’t good at this long distance stuff?

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No I think she simply got turned off by your apparent insecurity and neediness, and frankly controlling attitude, sorry.

 

You basically gave her an ultimatum, "in order for this to work, we have to talk more." Period.

 

No asking how she felt about more communication, no open honest discussion.

 

Just a command, at least that is what it sounded like, which stemmed from your insecurity and neediness, versus a desire to have a mutually rewarding healthy relationship built on love and trust.

 

Yeah, I may be wrong but she's done, gone. Frankly, I would be too no matter how intoxicating the chemistry in the beginning.

 

Moving forward, learn to chill. It was a freakin phone call, man. Geez.

 

I just think its concerning that we are supposed to be in a relationship, and she's gone 4 days without even giving me a call. Especially in a long term relationship. It may have turned her off, I agree, but I would imagine anyone would question whether or not the other party is even interested if all the communication is one sided.

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I just think its concerning that we are supposed to be in a relationship, and she's gone 4 days without even giving me a call. Especially in a long term relationship. It may have turned her off, I agree, but I would imagine anyone would question whether or not the other party is even interested if all the communication is one sided.

 

All true—in theory—but if you sound pretty insecure to us odds are you're coming across as really insecure to her.

 

She tells you she was missing you and you say, "Well, you should have called." Cringe, you know? It's basically saying, "But how much did you miss me?" and then asking for a number from 1 to 10? She tells you you're two days away from a pixilated surprise, and you're response is to say: give it to me now, after a day. Cringe again.

 

I'm not saying that to bash you, but just to go to my above stuff: you're the one, basically, who is not so good with this long distance stuff." No shame in owning that.

 

Plus, per Katrina's post, you kind of took the ultimatum route—never super cool, never productive, and a pretty giant anvil to drop on a scale that's 8 weeks old. But there it is, out there. Can't go back from that.

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I just think its concerning that we are supposed to be in a relationship, and she's gone 4 days without even giving me a call. Especially in a long term relationship. It may have turned her off, I agree, but I would imagine anyone would question whether or not the other party is even interested if all the communication is one sided.

 

Four months is not a long term relationship, in fact it's still considered very early stages, the time during which we are observing and assessing each other for a long term relationship.

 

And my guess is she has been doing just that, and determined you're just not the right fit for her. So yeah you're right, she's lost interest.

 

The distance factor could be part of it too, but I would also guess this incident isn't the first time you've displayed such insecurity and need for control, so this may have been brewing inside her for awhile, and after four months, she simply decided she wants no part of that.. Next.

 

Again I'm just speculating based on what you've posted, but that is what it sounds like to me.

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All true—in theory—but if you sound pretty insecure to us odds are you're coming across as really insecure to her.

 

She tells you she was missing you and you say, "Well, you should have called." Cringe, you know? It's basically saying, "But how much did you miss me?" and then asking for a number from 1 to 10? She tells you you're two days away from a pixilated surprise, and you're response is to say: give it to me now, after a day. Cringe again.

 

I'm not saying that to bash you, but just to go to my above stuff: you're the one, basically, who is not so good with this long distance stuff." No shame in owning that.

 

Plus, per Katrina's post, you kind of took the ultimatum route—never super cool, never productive, and a pretty giant anvil to drop on a scale that's 8 weeks old. But there it is, out there. Can't go back from that.

 

I agree it sounds insecure and that's why i debated heavily about even bringing it up. I knew it would turn her off.. but again, there's just something wrong about me always taking initiative and then when i finally stop calling, i still don't hear from her first. At that point are we even in a relationship? I risked showing insecurity and coming off needy, to put my mind at ease. I don't want to waste my time with someone that talked about having a future, living with me etc, when they don't even put in effort. But i'm going to go cold silent and see what happens. I have a flight scheduled there this friday... so i wont communicate with her until that day comes or the day before. (but she knows what time i'm going to be there and that i even scheduled it)

 

I'm going to emotionally try and distance myself from her either way.

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Four months is not a long term relationship, in fact it's still considered very early stages, the time during which we are observing and assessing each other for a long term relationship.

 

And my guess is she has been doing just that, and determined you're just not the right fit for her. So yeah you're right, she's lost interest.

 

The distance factor could be part of it too, but I would also guess this incident isn't the first time you've displayed such insecurity and need for control, so this may have been brewing inside her for awhile, and after four months, she decided she wants no part of that..

 

Again I'm just speculating based on what you've posted, but that is what it sounds like to me.

 

So you think she really is done with me? The fact that she's cut contacting me first? What confuses me is the last time she spoke to me... she mentioned how much she misses me. She's said this the last couple of time we've spoken. She says one thing but does another. I'm not sure if she's done since she said she misses me. I feel like she wouldn't even say it at all if she wanted to break up.. But you're right that i have to look at it as if we are still in the early stages.

 

 

--Also, i did show insecurity earlier on in the relationship. The topic of her ex's came up and i asked a few insecure questions about penis size out of curiosity. That was a f** up. Even though my tool below is perfectly normal

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Dude, you need to take a deep breath.

 

This "cold silent" stuff? You're creating games that don't exist—and that she's not playing. I mean, unless I've got this wrong, yesterday this woman was telling you that she missed you "inside" of her? Great! Go for a run, have a beer, read a magazine, enjoy yourself.

 

Except, for some reason, you can't. For some reason "I miss you inside of me" sated you for—what? A few hours? Then you were staring at the clock watching "tomorrow" become today, waiting for the phone to ring, questioning everything once more?

 

No relationship can survive under this kind of scrutiny—long distance or IRL.

 

You had two good months. She went away. Two weeks later you had a week together. Now you've been apart for what? Three weeks, with a date on Friday? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but that's pretty great. For some people in the same city that would be pretty great at this stage in a relationship. If you had three other things in Michigan that were bringing you joy these moments would be a lot easier. Regardless of where all this goes or what she's feeling, I think that should be your focus right now.

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What do you mean you took all the initiative but then you finally stop calling?

 

Why? To shyt test her to see if she'll step up? That's what it sounds like to me.

 

Shyt tests have no place in a healthy developing relationship, pls learn this.

 

Another guess? She was on to your little test, and you flunked it, badly.

 

Next time, if you'd like her to step up more, communicate that to her in a non-accusatory, non-demanding, non-needy way.

 

Don't just suddenly stop calling, hoping she'll step up. She won't. She will either think you lost interest OR that you're playing games, the latter of which was precisely what you were doing!

 

Ugh.

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What do you mean you took all the initiative but then you finally stop calling?

 

Why? To shyt test her to see if she'll step up? That's what it sounds like to me.

 

Shyt tests have no place in a healthy developing relationship, pls learn this.

 

Another guess? She was on to your little test, and you flunked it, badly.

 

Next time, if you'd like her to step up more, communicate that to her in a non-accusatory, non-demanding, non-needy way.

 

Don't just suddenly stop calling, hoping she'll step up. She won't. She will either think you lost interest OR that you're playing games, the latter of which was precisely what you were doing!

 

Ugh.

 

I just felt like I was contacting her all the time.... she can pick up the phone and do the same. Why should i be the one to call every single day. Also, maybe 3 weeks back there was a time where i called once on one day and once on another and she ignored both calls with no call back. That's not a good sign. I gave her space recently for her to take initiative. It shouldn't be one sided. It should be 50/50 generally.

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Dude, you need to take a deep breath.

 

This "cold silent" stuff? You're creating games that don't exist—and that she's not playing. I mean, unless I've got this wrong, yesterday this woman was telling you that she missed you "inside" of her? Great! Go for a run, have a beer, read a magazine, enjoy yourself.

 

Except, for some reason, you can't. For some reason "I miss you inside of me" sated you for—what? A few hours? Then you were staring at the clock watching "tomorrow" become today, waiting for the phone to ring, questioning everything once more?

 

No relationship can survive under this kind of scrutiny—long distance or IRL.

 

You had two good months. She went away. Two weeks later you had a week together. Now you've been apart for what? Three weeks, with a date on Friday? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but that's pretty great. For some people in the same city that would be pretty great at this stage in a relationship. If you had three other things in Michigan that were bringing you joy these moments would be a lot easier. Regardless of where all this goes or what she's feeling, I think that should be your focus right now.

 

I guess I do need to chill. That's why i'm just going to distance myself emotionally. I've tried doing the things you mentioned. Literally going out, running etc. But she's consuming my mind. I need to distance myself. And I'm posting this right now because she said she would call me but didn't. If i say i'm going to do something, i usually do it. One day she says she misses me and will call me on a specific day (supposed to be today), but then she does the opposite... but yea, i'm going to try and chill out.

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