Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: Fiancee doesn't get along with anyone in my life.

  1. #1

    Fiancee doesn't get along with anyone in my life.

    My fiancee and I have been together for about 8 years. We met in his home area which was another province than mine. I noticed right off the bat how different he was than myself, way more outgoing than I was, wasn't afraid to try new things, very smart anda little quirky etc. We seemed to mesh well though. That opposites attract thing, I liked how different he was than anyone I've met.

    While we lived in his area he began to see the few friends he had less and less. I encouraged him to go see them but he said they seemed to be naturally losing touch, he had just gone through a career change. He didn't have a huge social network when I methim, just a few buddies.

    I started to make new friends in the area and we would all go on couple dates with their husbands and him. I noticed right away that typically the husbands didn't like myfianceeatfirst. It would take them a while to warm up to him and even then I always got the sense that they didn't like him just put up with him since their wives and I were friends. I always heard the same thing from people that he was just a differentpersonality andnot something they were use to. I always just chopped it up to us living in different areas. I grew up in a small town, him a big city. I always defended him and would ask people to keep giving him a chance. My friends never out right told me they hated themand when I would bring up me thinking they don't like him they all told me the same thing, 'I don't hate him, you just need to get use to him, he's just not someone I would hang out with'. I figured okay, he's a bit different and can accept not everyone willlike each other or get along. I love him and that all that matters.

    Fast forward a few years into our relationship and we ended up moving back to my hometown. He had met all my friends here from visit and things but after all my good friends started getting to know him I would hear the same thing. The more they would get to know him the less they started to like him. I did notice quite a shift in hispersonalitywhenwe moved here. I chalked it up to him being stressed, not knowing many people in the area etc. I tried my hardest to make him feel included in things to make him feel better but seemed to make things worse. Hispersonalitytraitsthat people didn't like went to the extreme, he seemed to talk down to people a lot, was that person that needed to 'one up' your stories, would draw unwanted/unneeded attention to himself. This seemed to push a few of my friends away, as well put a huge riftin my family. I spoke to him countless times in a gentle andsensitiveway about how he was treating people. Which he was say he would work onbut never seemed to work on it, so they turned into bigger fights and a huge strain in our relationship for a short time. I also just kept telling myself that he grew up so differently and I should try to understand that my friends and I are beingjudgmentalandnot open minded to him. Again I would defend him but also tried to invite him out with our friend group less and less. He started to make his own set of friends which I thought was great.

    I started a new job about a year ago and have made quite a few new friends from it, they are all starting to meet him and I seem to be running into the same problem. A lot of themdon't know how to take hispersonalityand arebeginningtojust tolerate him for me. We also just moved into a house with my best friend to save money on rent. My friend is starting to hate living with my fiancee and it's a constant battle for me to try to make everyone happy. We've had countless conversations that they need to not put me in the middle of their fights but never seems to work out that way. I'm not close with my family anymore and this best friend is all I have left family wise it feels so now I'm desperate about not losing them. I feel like I'm gettingto my breaking point with this now and not sure how to proceed. I remind myself that I love him and I'm the one dating him not my friends so it doesn't matter how they feel or what they think of him. It's hard though to fit someone in your life that neverseems to quite belong there. I do love him but also frustrated I need to defend hispersonality, something that I can't change to people in mylife that I love as well. I would also hate to end an 8 year relationship over the thoughts and feelings of other people, but I do think it's important that people in my life can get along.Thank youforreading and any advice would beappreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    3,653
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by PinkTurkey
    I remind myself that I love him and I'm the one dating him not my friends...
    You've turned dating, which should be a one week to six month discovery period, into how to force a square block into a round hole, dreary relationship.

    Is he a sarcastic?
    [Register to see the link]

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,176
    I know that whomever I choose to date, my family wouldn't like, because they really don't like my lifestyle. I have chosen my friends though, and if they don't like him, something's up. I adore my close friends and trust them and their judgment. I consider them family.

    If you have this type of friendships, I'd definitely second guess my choice of a partner. Are you really getting along with him?

    If you don't have really close friends, say for example, you just know them from high school and held on to them despite your differences, and you really get along with your partner, I'd second guess my choice of friends.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,425
    Gender
    Male
    You can't fix or change people. After 8 years this is who he is. Stop forcing people on each other. You need to get your own place. It's a battle for you because you should be living by yourselves and you are forcing too much togetherness to the point of suffocation. You can't have the attitude of "I'm the one dating him not my friends so it doesn't matter how they feel or what they think of him" when you are in their house.

    You both need to work more hours, save more, get part time jobs, get rid of some luxuries. You seem to blame your bf's personality, but you force everyone on him and him on everyone, and in the end you picked all these people and are the epicenter of all the "battles" you're complaining of. Move out asap and stop forcing people on each other..
    Originally Posted by PinkTurkey
    We also just moved into a house with my best friend to save money on rent. My friend is starting to hate living with my fiancee and it's a constant battle for me to try to make everyone happy.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,650
    It's important to me that family and close friends think my SO (and now, my husband) is a good person whether or not they want to be buddies. Talking down to people is not ok. My husband can be reserved/quiet around people but people are good with that because it's not like he's hostile or negative -just not an extrovert like me. I sometimes wish he would take more initiative in certain social situations but I try to just let him be. Also I would stop prioritizing doing everything with couples or as much as you are -let him have his own friends, you have yours. I'd also stop the "how he was raised" -he's an adult not a kid. He can choose to accept how "he was raised" or parts of it, or not at all, etc. And your friends need to be cordial to him as long as he acts in a respectful way but they don't have to obligate themselves to get along with him beyond that.

    I wouldn't end a relationship over it unless your friends/family think he is not a good person with good intentions -then I still would not end it but might explore that further. A personality mismatch -no biggie.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,306
    PinkTurkey, Are you sure you're not my sister who wrote your post? You just described my BIL (brother-in-law) quite accurately!

    You can't force others to like people. People naturally sense when a person is off in an unkind way and people naturally avoid those who are chronically disrespectful and rude. This is not rocket science.

    Your fiance is nothing but a lot of alarm bells and red flags. He will always remain problematic in your social and family life. Either you will forever be caught in the middle, forever defend him, infuriate others for defending him if he disrespected them or his personality and characteristic traits will cause eventual estrangement within your circle. And, it's no surprise he doesn't have friends except a few buddies. Who wants to become friends with a jerk?

    My BIL is some piece of work. He earns a very high income, an excellent provider for my sister and their 3 children, live in an enormous house, drive new cars yet his personality and character stinks to high heaven! No matter how nice I or many people try to be toward him, sooner or later, he'll have another bout with his "foot in mouth disease" problem. It's a reflection of his mind and no amount of self control can duct tape his big fat mouth. It never fails. For every social gathering whether at restaurants or traditional holiday meals at a relative's house, he'll say something incredibly condescending, rude, obnoxious, cruelly critical, extremely disrespectful, has no qualms spewing foul language left and right and go out of his way to hurt others with his words. I've given BIL endless chances for 20 years. He is mentally ill and has a screw loose in his brain. Both he and my sister are narcissistic, too.

    If BIL is not the center of attention, if he's not the primary focus and center attention for his wife (my sister), then your head gets automatically sent to 'The Tower of London.' Be prepared to set your head on the chopping block. When my sister congratulated my son upon his graduation at a NYD party at her house, her insanely jealous and enraged husband said, "SO WHAT????????!!!!!!!" He refused to congratulate his nephew. He became insanely jealous that my son had done well for himself, attained a better job, graduated from a prestigious university with top honors, did it all by himself, worked his way up alone with no help. BIL despised that his wife paid attention and praised someone else. BIL is mentally sick for which there is no cure. BIL is an unprintable description. He's beyond insulting and offensive. We've basically cut him off. DH (my husband) doesn't even shake his hand anymore at family reunions. BIL never even graduated from high school.

    Examples: "Eww, I don't want your gift card." "You made these quilts for my kids? They're really ugly!" "You embroidered this 'Home Sweet Home' sign, had it professionally mounted in glass and framed for my new home? Don't hang it up on the wall. Instead, wipe your feet on it, the glass will break and it will make a great doormat!" "Don't abuse my newborn son while he's holding onto your pinkie." He offers alcohol to my underage children. He drinks like a fish whenever my mother pays for the restaurant bill. When I helped him and my sister move, my husband and I took a day off from work, drove 100 miles to help them haul and transport their furniture. BIL had the audacity to say while I was carrying a 35 pound box down his alley, "Oh you're going to take a break at poolside while you sun yourself with cool drink in hand." To say I was infuriated would've been a gross understatement. He had to leave several previous jobs because his colleagues despised him. He's one of 6 brothers and all SIL share notes at family gatherings. They grew up feral. He's a real loose cannon for which there is no cure. He's a real nut case.

    My sister refuses to bring her husband to social gatherings with her friends both men and women because she fears he will embarrass and humiliate her as usual. In the past, she always had to do damage control. Her husband acts like a spoiled 2 year old toddler, says something highly inappropriate all the time and later she has to admonish him so it's easier to leave him at home. There is no risk of trouble if he's stuck back at home.

    My sister and I had a huge argument over her husband's very bad mouth problem. She defends her meal ticket, told me that I'm slanderous, threatened to forward my emails to my SIL (sister-in-law - husband's sister) and my cousin and even went so far as to tell my mother that I'm a troublemaker. My siblings (sister, brother) and my mother want me to simply put up and shut up; pretend everything is simply grande and fine. Bite your tongue and look the other way. Don't be a drama queen. At that point, I knew I was done.

    If there's one thing I've sincelearned from the moral of this story is that you cannot change people nor can you will them to change. A leopard cannot change its spots. They're born that way, raised that way and they are who they are. It's permanent and they truly feel down deep within their bones that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. They'll forever be in denial mode and you'll always bang your head against a wall should you try to continue having a relationship with someone who is abnormal. They think YOU are the problem and if you can't deal and handle their personality and characteristic traits as is and if you choose NOT to ignore and pretend you didn't hear anything inappropriate (or read anything inappropriate), you leave the relationship because it's no skin off their nose. They believe you're hallucinating should you call them on it, think that you're a drama queen with nothing better to do in your life and most of all, GASLIGHT you. Google the word "gaslighting." They deflect, turn it around on you so you are perceived as the insane one, not the perpetrator. It's a real head trip and deal breaker let me tell you. I finally got off this sick merry-go-round. I finally went passive aggressive. We have zero contact throughout the year despite residing locally. We only get together for the sake of the children for Thanksgiving and sometimes for Christmas and NYD. Sometimes for special occasions such as a grad party which is rare. I don't say nor do anything. At reunions, my husband and I are civil, polite yet frosty and distant. We avoid them like the plague. It works. No one is at each others throats, there is peace but not to get it twisted. We're not old chums by any stretch of the imagination whatsoever. That ship has sailed.

    I hope my story gives you a glimpse of your future. Granted, it may not have the same outcome as mine but there are definite parallels. Whenever a person lacks emotional intelligence (EQ) and empathy, you need to think of the problems which will arise with all of your contacts such as friends and family. Think how one person who lacks EQ, will alienate others very quickly. It doesn't take long to sense an off putting individual. No one in their right mind enjoys being with a person who makes them feel disrespected. No one. They avoid, cut you off, become estranged, gossip and treat the bad person as if he has a contagious disease. No one trusts a person who is unpredictable but predictable at the same time. People avoid those who are inconsiderate, unkind, very rude and lack common sense gracious behavior. That's a no-brainer.

    Also, it makes my sister look really bad for choosing a loser as her husband. It makes her appear as if she chose a bad apple. He's a loser who doesn't know how to behave like a decent, honorable, respectful human being which will make marriage and friendships hell. It's a reflection of her poor choices in life and how she has since resigned herself into accepting her hopeless husband. He can't be fixed. She made her bed and now must lie in it. Better her than me.

    A bad person is disruptive to your life at home, in public and it feels forever humiliating, shameful and embarrassing. It's also very sad.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,306
    I don't mind those who are introverted. It's perfectly fine. The problem is when it crosses the line to where a bad person truly goes out of his way to disrespect, condescend, treat others as if they don't have feelings, insult, offend, treat them with obnoxiously inappropriate comments which are painful to hear. Unkindness and general disrespect are UNACCEPTABLE. It makes you lose your self worth and you're not treated with dignity. Talking down to people is a very fast way to alienate everybody.

    This impacts your life if you have a relationship with him. You either have to socialize apart from him in order for your friends to want to socialize with you and in other cases, if they know he's with you, they'll walk away.

    If his personality mismatch is ok with you, then proceed. Just be prepared to be avoided if they don't like him because of the way he is.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,230
    Gender
    Female
    My friends thought the same thing about my ex - and after we broke up, people in commttee groups, colleagues, acquaintances, friends would say "we never liked the way he talked to you. We didn't want to intrude and say anything about it because we figured you realized it and for whatever reason were okay with it" He would one up any statement i made. If i did something well, he would learn how to do it better than me. People stopped wanting to socialize, people didn't want me on committees because he would be around.

    Honestly, if ONE friend didn't like him, i would be like "okay, that's one friend - you don't have to like everyone" or one difficult family member that always butts heads with you. but if that was the concensus from everyone -- LISTEN -- your friends and family care about your well being! They see you struggle.

    And btw, when someone alienates your friends, they have succeeded in isolating you because they know you will eventually drop your friends or they won't want to be around. he is succeeding in every way to make sure that you don't have friends and are at odds with your family to control you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,306
    abitbroken is so correct and so right. I've known two men who deliberately alienated their wives' friends, isolated them and were extremely jealous of wives paying attention to others. It's quite sick. This happened to my cousin's husband. He deliberately snapped every woman's bra strap and harassed them whether it was the cousin's mother, stepmother, neighbor, me and a DOZEN of her girlfriends. All friends and family have since fled and scattered to the four winds permanently. She lost everyone near and dear to her and now she is stuck with a dud and bad apple.

    My BIL (brother-in-law) is the same. He succeeded in pushing everyone away, alienated everyone so he can control and manipulate his relationship with his wife, my sister. It's all so quite pathetic. Don't let this be you, too.

  11. #10
    Guess I should have clarified for @Wiseman2, we didnt move into my friends house. My friend who is the one more so in the financial situation wanted us all to move in together into a house. My boyfriend and I have lived on our own since the beginning of the relationship. We were in a small apartment and my friend still at their moms after many talks we all decided to move to a large house.

    I agree with a lot was said here and thank everyone for their replies. I guess it's hard to get mad at him when I constantly make excuses for him such as 'oh he was raised this way.'

    I will also say hes never mistreated me, my friends dont like his personality not anything to do with how he treats me.

    I do have a lot to think about though. Thank you all again.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •