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Thread: Cheating

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Cheating

    This is a general question, not a specific situation so I was not sure whether I could submit it under the infidelity section. It is my perception that participating in cheating as a cheating partner or as the "other person" involves a choice. I can understand how one can be tempted due to life circumstances but imo there is a point at the very beginning where one can "see" where they are headed to and can in fact opt to step away from the situation. I feel that opting out of participating in cheating IS within one's control. Yet, one of my best friends says "never say never, there are situations where participating in cheating can be out of one's control, everyone has the capacity to participate in cheating". Do you think that under certain circumstances everyone of us has the capacity to get entangled in cheating either as the cheater or the "other person"? I am thinking of the average person rather than extreme cases of, lets say, abuse.
    Last edited by Clio; 05-27-2019 at 02:40 PM.

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    IMO your friend is wrong. Cheating is always a choice and no!!!....the ability to cheat is not in everyone, only those who are selfish lack the basic human condition of empathy.

    I lived in an abusive marriage with a binge drinking, serial cheater. Most weekends she would leave me to care for our children while she partied and slept around..... she had multiple one night stands and affairs. Eventually she had an exit affair and left me with our children (4 years later and she now has a reasonable relationship with them)

    During the 25 years we were together I never once looked at another women and when she left I prided myself on the fact that I was never tempted once to betray her like she did to me.

    If your friend is a woman and made that statement to me, I would never see her as a suitable person to for any type of relationship apart from a casual hook up.

    It tells me like all cheaters, that she can easily excuse and rationalise that behaviour in her mind, or maybe in the past has already cheated on a partner.

    Tell your friend that by making that comment they have the mindset of a cheater, so of course he or she will think everyone is capable of this abusive behaviour.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Interesting threadóand one, I imagine, that will get heated quick.

    My simple answer to your question? Yes, everyone has the capacity to end up as an active participant in infidelity. The world proves this daily, and has for millennia. All sorts of people cheat on people. People who say they will never, ever cheat...end up cheating. Lots. It is, in the grand scheme of human behavior, pretty "average." Devastating, of course, but statistically speaking pretty run of the millóa thing that human beings do with high frequency.

    But just to be clear: it is, of course, always a choice, though I don't think your friend was saying it's not. Maybe by a "situation out of one's control" your friend means a situation where someone becomes the "other" man or woman because they were led to believe the person was not in a relationship?
    Last edited by bluecastle; 05-27-2019 at 04:15 PM.

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Interestingly, my friend is a very empathetic and decent person. This is why I have always been intrigued by our difference of views on the subject. I would prefer if the thread does not get heated but I appreciate that this is a sore subject for anyone who has been cheated on. I actually think that most people who have adopted my friend's view on cheating are people who view themselves as capable of cheating or have indeed participated in some form of cheating in the past. As for the other side, imo, it consists of two kinds of people; people who have not been tested by circumstances but would yield under temptation and people who would indeed stand by their "no participation on cheating" policy no matter what. I have trouble accepting that "everyone" is capable because I feel that one can actually put their moral code above "letting go" at the beginning stages and nip the temptation in the bud if one is inclined to.

    P.S. No, she did not mean entering a cheating situation without their knowledge.
    Last edited by Clio; 05-27-2019 at 04:59 PM.

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    Iím very biased regarding this topic, due to my past, but you raised an interesting question.

    I hope you donít mind but, I cut and pasted it into a facebook infidelity support group that has over 10,000 members. Generally you get several hundred replies..... Iíll post some later.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    I don't mind. It's just that people in an infidelity support group are liable to give answers close to your opinion and mine. Nevertheless, you may get some interesting replies.
    Last edited by Clio; 05-27-2019 at 06:33 PM.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I believe that everyone has the "capacity" to cheat IF (big if) they have the opportunity and they don't have good romantic relationship boundaries in place that inherently lead them away from, rather towards someone they find attractive and with whom they have been doing date like, bonding activities with.

    The "capacity" to cheat is there if not physically then certainly emotionally. Sadly there are a whole lot of people who haven't established mutually agreed to romantic relationship boundaries with their partner and just fly the relationship by the seat of their pants

    I do not agree with your friend though. Once you see things headed into emotional affair territory then its a choice to continue hanging out with that person or enforce those boundaries and step away from the slippery slope that's clearly being slipped down.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Always a choice.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Cheating or "being the other person" is always a choice, even if there are circumstances in your life or relationship that you can't control.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Once you see things headed into emotional affair territory then its a choice to continue hanging out with that person or enforce those boundaries and step away from the slippery slope that's clearly being slipped down.
    That's how I view it. Yet, it seems like plenty of people play dumb about it and/or present it as something unavoidable, hence my question. Most of us are taught from an early age that participating in cheating is "wrong". Yet, it doesn't seem to register as a boundary with cheaters and "other women/men".

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