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Thread: Cheating

  1. #11
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    There is always a choice. To me it's all about selfishness and total lack of morals and values. It's total disregard for other people's feelings. It's total disrespect all round. It's all about "me, me, me and it makes me happy and I really don't care about the wife/husband cause right now I am having fun and excitement and it's just so cool". Yes, selfishness in the extreme (imo). Ugh.

  2. #12
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    I believe that whilst cheating is a choice, is certainly inexcusable and someone who cheats clearly doesn't respect their partner, the motivation to cheat at times can include all shades of grey.

    For example: One spouse has been neglecting the other for a long time, marriage counselling doesn't seem to work, the neglected party travels a lot for work and children are involved. The neglected person cheats. Or how about one party is being abused who relies financially on the abuser. The abused person cheats.

    It's easy to say that one would never cheat in those or any circumstances. But in-midst the heat, that's when things get very real and you will be tested!

    Whilst cheating is unacceptable, life isn't black and white.
    Last edited by greendots; 05-27-2019 at 07:45 PM.

  3. #13
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    Life isn't black and white.
    Oh, I totally agree that life isn't black and white, BUT ... it STILL comes down to choice. They can always, always choose which direction to go. I may be lonely when husband/wife is away on business trips, I may be tempted by the cool married man/woman in the office, it may bring some fun and excitement into my life etc etc ..... BUT I KNOW it's wrong and I can choose to go down that path or not. No-one holds a gun to my head and tells me yes, go ahead and cheat.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with everything being written here, and I'll happily row down all the nuanced tributaries a topic like invariably creates.

    But I still don't agree that someone who makes a statement like your friend's is automatically to be labeled someone who is more prone to cheat than someone with a "moral code" that allows them to believe, firmly, that they would never cheat.

    People have a tendency to talk about cheating as a sin a hair below murder—another behavior humans routinely prove themselves capable of. It's understandable. Being cheated on really hurts, it marks the "death" of most relationships, and many people who have never been cheated on live in fear of it happening to them.

    But it is not murder, of course—far from it, not as devastating, far more common. In the murky gray area of life it is something that happens, with great frequency, in a multitude of shades, an act committed by so many varieties of human beings that, if I were an alien conducting a social experiment of humanity by observing us over a 100 year period, I'd be inclined to conclude that, yes, the "capacity" exists within the vast majority.

    Which is why I gave the answer I gave. Like you, Clio, I have moral codes; and like you, Matt, I have been cheated on. But those codes and that pain are dust particles in the story of humanity and pretty irrelevant when it comes to making a cold assessment to the general question here.

    Cold assessments, of course, are hard to make over heated subjects.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    That's how I view it. Yet, it seems like plenty of people play dumb about it and/or present it as something unavoidable, hence my question. Most of us are taught from an early age that participating in cheating is "wrong". Yet, it doesn't seem to register as a boundary with cheaters and "other women/men".
    Everyone needs an excuse in order to live with themselves so they create reasons why they've done it that are nothing more than excuses.

    Of course there are those that are also fundamentally incapable of monogamy but want a steady home life and a warm place to land after they've been out not being monogamous.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    bluecastle, I have trouble believing that one can gain such acceptance of cheating purely through observing the story of humanity. I believe that it takes crossing the line and having been "the other man/woman" or a cheater to gain such perspective. I don't want to go into specifics and it was indeed a grey area and an one-off thing but my friend has crossed that line once enabling someone to cheat. I believe that most people who stop viewing it as a "sin" even though they were originally taught the golden rule, have either been "the other man/woman" or a cheater or they can see themselves getting entangled in such a situation.
    Last edited by Clio; 05-28-2019 at 03:01 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Everyone needs an excuse in order to live with themselves so they create reasons why they've done it.
    That has been my observation as well.

  9. #18
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    “I don't mind. It's just that people in an infidelity support group are liable to give answers close to your opinion and mine. Nevertheless, you may get some interesting replies.“

    Actually I’m surprised, there is a lot of differing opinions.

  10. #19
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    In the beginning, infidelity almost always involves a predator and weakened victim.
    The predator needs his/her victim to stay in a confused state.

    Over compensating in the relationship achieves this goal.
    This makes it very hard for the victim to see the predator as he/she is, and even harder to make the right decision.

    The process can change a victim into a voluntary cheater, but two cheater "minds" will have trouble tolerating each other.
    Last edited by Lester; 05-28-2019 at 06:34 AM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's like everything else. Drinking, smoking, doing drugs, gambling, etc. Everyone is capable of doing it. Not everyone is a helpless victim of their pants.

    That is why characteristics like integrity, self control, self disciple, stability, etc. while boring to some, are the ones to look for. Yet how many people look for traits like "makes me laugh", likes the same things", etc.?

    So there 2 components to this debate with your friend. Are people capable: Yes. Is it beyond anyone's control: No

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