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he broke up with me over phone, some advice??


Juliaml20

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Hi, i want some advices and perspectives.

My bf of 6 months broke up with me 2 days ago. We were fine, talking about how much we missed each other, sex, love, etc... but then I asked him something that made him angry (related to some problems we had) and started to fight over fb messenger, then I said that we should talk over phone. He called me and he was very angry, first he said that he did not know what to do regarding our relationship, then he suggested a break but I refused because I think it was just an overreaction, I started to cry and then he said that we should break up. I said that the next week Ill have a surgery and he said that it was not a reason for staying with me (that really hurt),then he said that it was a hard decision but it was final and he hung up the phone while I was still crying. I started NCC Immediately but two days after he did not sent my anything, I am so confused we were fine, he said one day before that he was in love with me I just dont understand :(

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He said that it was tiring that I ask a lot of questions and if he gets angry I start to ask if we are ok or if he wants to break up. He said that is exhausting and is tired of deal with that kind of insecurities (I am not sure if that is a big big problem)

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I think he was just tired of being nagged. It doesn't seem that he was as into you as you were into him.

 

You need to think about moving on.

 

 

Yes I think so too, but I am hurt because he was telling me that he was very interested and in love, I dont know the necessity of lying instead of be honest :( I feel played

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What kind of questions?

 

I'd like to know this too. Do you mean questions about his life, about the world at large, or questions (as I suspect) about how he feels about you, whether he still cares and likes you, or something along those lines?

 

And why are you in the habit of asking if he wants to breakup?

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If he was angry of anything, I asked if we were ok or if he wanted to be ok with me or stay in a relationship with me...
Yeah, that's annoying. Most guys with self respect are gonna dump you after enough of that, or even a little bit of it. If for whatever reason you're not feeling secure in a relationship, especially just a few months in, just leave. If you find it's a habit, you probably have something within yourself that needs some fixing.
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I'd like to know this too. Do you mean questions about his life, about the world at large, or questions (as I suspect) about how he feels about you, whether he still cares and likes you, or something along those lines?

 

And why are you in the habit of asking if he wants to breakup?

 

yes the second type. Because sometimes I felt like something was off, so I asked him, something inside telling me that it was forced.

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Yeah, that's annoying. Most guys with self respect are gonna dump you after enough of that, or even a little bit of it. If for whatever reason you're not feeling secure in a relationship, especially just a few months in, just leave. If you find it's a habit, you probably have something within yourself that needs some fixing.

 

Yes I understand but why dumping me over phone and being cruel? Maybe if you did care for someone you should try to fix it and not throwing away.

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Yes I think so too, but I am hurt because he was telling me that he was very interested and in love, I dont know the necessity of lying instead of be honest :( I feel played

 

I don't know why he lied. Maybe it was a way to get you off his back temporarily. You shouldn't feel played. He lost interest. It happens.

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Juliaml, your bf is most likely gone for good, but if you want to prevent this from happening in your future relationships, learn ways to manage your anxieties and insecurities on your own, and stop burdening your partners with what are essentially your issues, your neurosis.

 

I don't know which came first -- if you were just too needy and clingy (for him) which caused him to need "space" and time on his own, which in turn caused you even more insecurity. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

OR, is he a guy who simply needs lots of lone time, more than you. Which is ok!!

 

This could be just an incompatibility issue relating to space issues (he needs more than you generally), you presuming it meant he didn't care, then pushing him out of his comfort zone to prove he does care.

 

That is a recipe for disaster, and yes I agree w him, it can get very draining and exhausting -- trying to be someone you're not, give what you don't have in you to give -- all to soothe the anxieties and insecurities of your partner, in this case, you.

 

Sorry it didn't work out.

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Yes I understand but why dumping me over phone and being cruel? Maybe if you did care for someone you should try to fix it and not throwing away.
He wasn't cruel. You admit this is a routine. You overfilled the silo and now he's decided he's done. If you don't want to get dumped before a surgery, then don't cause needless drama before it.
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What j.man said.

 

If you feel like something is off, especially this early, it's generally a sign to just leave. Or at least bring it up in a productive manner, which is by explaining how you feel, seeing what someone says and does, and then deciding to stay or not.

 

People with self-respect don't like being nagged. It's noise and drama that goes nowhere. So if this is behavior you've found yourself engaging in in relationships, you'd be wise to explore that a bit on your own since really it's you playing yourself, not getting played by anyone.

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If you find yourself constantly checking for signs that he's not interested, always taking any of his behavior personal and linking everything to if he wants to be with you, and most importantly, if you do this in all your relationships,you should check the Attachment theory, specifically the Anxious Preoccupied one, for starters. A therapist would be the best so you can overcome all your anxieties.

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Yes I understand but why dumping me over phone and being cruel? Maybe if you did care for someone you should try to fix it and not throwing away.

 

He didn't want to fix it, though. I know that's hard to hear but he evidently was past the point of wanting to try to make it work. At only 6 months, it is a lot to have to keep reassuring someone.How often were you questioning him about his feelings? And what was this last argument about, exactly?

 

I don't think he played you, for what it's worth. I think he tried until he just couldn't anymore.

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Seeking constant reassurance is a drug. Yes, it feels good to see him fight for the relationship or hear him tell you he loves you, but within a few hours or a day, you'll go right back to questioning the relationship again.

 

Confidence is sexy. Also, people like to feel like their efforts in a relationship are worthwhile. He likely got tired of feeling like he couldn't make you feel happy or secure. Consider seeking professional help to deal with this issue. It will likely be a problem in future involvements.

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Your bf didn't like all the typical girl drama. Most guys do not.

 

In the future, be careful with your words and know the harsh consequences from not thinking before you speak and write. Also, don't make your electronic contact excessive. Learn to back off.

 

Also, I've since learned not to over do it with electronic communication when it comes to friendships and relationships. Same thing with long phone chats. Learn to do all of that at the bare minimum. In person contact is best. Whenever it goes overboard with texts, calls, chats, messenger and emails, people start to think of you as their ball 'n chain. They want to break free from the time trap you've created for them. Expecting instant replies and responses drains people and it is time consuming. They have a life, too. They need to get things done, remain productive and industrious yet they always have to have constant, endless contact with you. Give people breathing room and a break. Guys in particular want a lot of time and space. They don't want a girlfriend who is a dramatic nag because then you become a drag. They think you're a pain in the neck and bothersome. Practice enforcing healthy boundaries.

 

Learn to seek your own independence even while you're in a relationship. Have a life of your own, workout, have your own friends, take good care of your health, have hobbies, interests, outings and enjoy an independent life. Be your own person. You'll make yourself more interesting and have that draw and appeal from others.

 

Understand that in person togetherness is extra special because you keep the relationship fresh and prevent it from growing stale. Too much familiarity breeds contempt.

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Unfortunately, it is exhausting to deal with. Let him go. Never view yourself as a victim or as a person someone has to date or stay with out of pity. Never try to manipulate or guilt trip anyone into staying or being with you. Someone should want to love being with you.

 

When you see your doctors, get a complete physical and explain that you feel sad, anxious, depressed, etc. See if they can help you with medication and therapy to build up your self esteem and for ongoing support. .

 

In the mean time look to friends and family for support. Get more involved in life. Join some clubs, groups special interest organizations, sports etc. make more friends.

He said that it was tiring that I ask a lot of questions and if he gets angry I start to ask if we are ok or if he wants to break up. He said that is exhausting and is tired of deal with that kind of insecurities
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