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Thread: First Post. This is a long one... sorry in advance.

  1. #1

    Join Date
    May 2019

    First Post. This is a long one... sorry in advance.

    Hello all, I have been debating about looking and expressing my relationship as things in my mind have turned for the worst, and after talking with family and friends and still being no more clear I thought just being able to express my true thoughts online might help to here others opinions on the matter. I'm sorry for the length of this post, there is lot to say and if no one reply's and it just gives me a chance to vent off and perhaps go over everything in my mind than great.

    First off I want to say i do still love my wife I am just not sure how anymore, we have been together for 13 years now, married for 6 years, and have an amazing son who is almost 2 years old and is everything to both of us. Me and my wife dont have a lot in common and never have done, and that's always been OK, its how we have always been and we still got married and has a son together. I don't know if I am to blame or solely at fault in this relationship or whether it is both or what, but I think if i write this maybe it will help... so here it goes.

    When we first met she was very young, she was 16 and I was 20, we met at a house party and hit it off pretty quickly, we dated for a while and ended up moving in together after around 6 months. We got married after 7 years of being together and being very happy together. After some years we both decided we wanted children, we tried for our first child and was successful, unfortunately we had a miscarriage and this hit us both hard but piratically my wife. she developed severe depression and an eating disorder at the time. She was working in a job where she was just OK with her job but we moved away so she could get promotion within her company and far as I was aware she was happy. It wasn't till recently she told me about a number of issues with her work... Her area manager / boss was trying it on with her, she didn't go into detail as this was told to me in an argument but the guy seemed to be very suggestive and forward. She told me nothing happened and never would of and I believe her she isn't that kind of girl. She than told me about another work colleague, one who she knew at her last placement and one guy i despise due to what she has told me, the guy apparently had been attracted to her since they met, I had met him we even went out and had drinks together once so I could try and socialise with her friends. We got on pretty well, I am use to guys looking at my wife or joking around, she is a very very attractive women and in my eyes well out of my league... Anyway, she told me that this guy asked her to leave me and "run-away" with him on one occasion, I don't know what extent this all was, I knew the guy fancied my wife and that was OK, he wasn't the first of the last in my eyes but I was never worried about him. He than proceeded to harass her on the phone within work after we had moved away, this got to a point where one of her work colleagues reported the issue to someone higher as it got so bad. At the time my wife told did tell me that he was harassing someone at work a different work colleague who he managed but not herself... I found it hard to take that my wife had told me about this guy wanting her to leave me and that she couldn't tell me about this at the time, it took her over a year to tell me about the first incident and its not till some recent big arguments which is around 2-4 years later she admitted to me that the guy who was harassing someone at work, was actually harassing her. She told me she didn't want to get him in trouble she is to nice of a girl, and asked for nothing to be done about him within work. I would like to say this was the end but unfortunately it wasn't... One night me and my wife went out, it was after her work do, we met up and had some drinks hit a bar and had a dance together. We had an amazing night, we had already started arguing in the past before this point, but on this one night it felt like the old us and we was happy. We went back to her mums as her mum was babysitting for us and stayed there the night. We took some photos together on each others phone and I couldn't sleep and wanted to see what we had got, we usually had some pretty funny ones and I was on a high from the night still. We both always went on each others phones we didn't see any reasons why not, it wasn't to read each others messages or check up on each other, it was usually just to look/take photos or browse the net if our phones were not nearby, but upon going on her phone I saw a notification on Instagram on her phone, the beginning of a message from who I knew was the same guy as the one I have been talking about above. My heart sunk, I couldn't believe that this guy was still talking with my wife, after everything he had done and she had told me, I didnt want to do what I did next but I couldn't help myself, I read the messages from him and soon realised this guy was still trying too take my wife away. I did confront my wife and was honest to her about this, telling her I never intentionally went on there for that, but that I couldn't help myself at the time, I than asked her why she was talking with someone who wants us to break up. We had a pretty big argument but she turned around and said she has no one to talk to about us and he just happened to be there, and that he offered her to fix some small debt we are in, and he was just telling her to leave me and move on. For the record I do not currently work, my wife and I decided when we wanted to try for children that I would look after the child and she would continue to work. She has worked very hard for her career from nothing to a manager and talks of her going even higher. I am very proud of her for that and very great full. But back to this she couldn't see in my eyes why this was wrong, am i wrong to think this? This really is a big deal to me, the guy who tried to make my wife leave me, telling her he can fix all her problems, still trying now even when we have a beautiful child together to still leave me, I just cant understand it. She still doesn't see why I am upset about this, and still tells me she would never leave me for him, it was just he was there and she needed to vent off. But he keeps coming up and I cant seem to let it go, she has never done anything with this guy, and I would hope there has been no thought even at the idea, but i don't know, I feel angry, upset, and confused at this point. I tried to tell her this guy is not going to be good for us when it comes to advice, he wants you to leave me why would he give you any different advice? (Sorry I may of ranted a bit much there on this...) I have tried to talk to her about him and she told me she wont talk with him, but he is still messaging her and I don't know what to do. She told me she cant just get rid of him it would make things worst and he knows where she works, the guy travels for 3-4 hours to meet up with her for coffee...

    I wish this was the end of post but our problems have been going on so long this is just the tip of the iceberg...

    Ok... another issue. Our arguing has become nasty.. not violently or abusively but still ugly in my eyes. We never argued, we had bickering as any couple would, but never actual arguments. We have had some pretty big ones, ones that have made me nearly think twice about us. The above is one of them but others have literally come from nothing. I couldn't even tell you what or why we argued over most things because I don't remember. It literally stems from nothing most of the time.

    I do know that I had quite a drastic change in my lifestyle around a year ago. Before this I was a very overweight guy who didn't care for much apart from, my wife, my son, and playing computer games. I've never been a TV guy i find it quite boring, my social life had always been with the friends I met online and have known now for around 15 years playing games online. Me and my wife had a very repetitive routine for most of our relationship to to be honest, before my son, When my wife got home from work I would have dinner ready, I loved to cook for her, it was a real big passion of mine, I would always try new things and to make her happy cooking her favourite dishes when she got home from work, i would do the washing up sometimes and some tidying, I was as you would call it a house husband, not the best house husband but i think i did OK. I did have odd jobs over the years, but only ever kept one job down, I wont make excuses here but I found it hard to keep in jobs perhaps i was just lazy and too comfortable with just my wife working? I did have one job i enjoyed and kept down though... but due to moving away for my wife's career had to give it up. life was OK i was with a very beautiful wife, I got to stay at home and we was happy, as said we had little nickering arguments but we was happy. When we had the miscarriage things where very hard for us as said above, even more my wife, we ended up moving back to our old town and managed to get a place to stay for a while and things went back to how they use to be.

    As said there was a drastic lifestyle change for myself around a year ago... It all changed when I went to the doctors because I realised how I was weight wise, and my general state of mind, I had depression and anxiety kicking in like crazy, I had always had it pretty bad, but it was at a point where I needed help so i saw the Doc. He was very firm and honest with me and told me if I don't not change my lifestyle I will die young. having my son at the time around 6-7 months old this sunk in pretty hard, i didn't tell my wife even about the appointment or what was said as was too worried about it and wanted to keep it to myself. Nether less i decided to do something about it so I joined a football program that was designed and aimed at men who wanted to lose weight and play some football. It was and is a great scheme, I have been doing it for a year now and still doing it. The first 16 weeks or "Season 1" we will call it was OK, I didn't make drastic life style changes, it was more adjustments, i tried eating a bit more healthy and the exercise once a week was ok for me. I lost around 4-5kg, and to me this was a great start and the I would call turning point of myself. "Season 2" however i decided to give it my all, I lost a lot of weight, I had gone from a guy who couldn't run more than a minute, to playing football twice a week, an hour at a time and even joined a gym and enjoyed it. I completely changed my life around, I lost around 15kg at this point, I was running 5ks at a time and eating a lot more healthier. I wasn't crazy with the food I just balanced it, and made sure when i did have that bad meal I enjoyed it knowing it was OK to do this as long as i worked hard and did it in proportion. As said this was a major life style change for me, I had gone from a guy who did the odd bit of housework while looking after my son, and the rest of my time playing on computer games, to a guy who was out nearly every evening but 2, and exercising and getting heather while still looking after my son and doing some house work. This however was one of the cause of arguments, she didn't like me going out every night to the gym or football she told me she was OK with it at first, but I could tell she wasn't happy with me going out, her friends even doubted my motives where i was going, which really hurt me, as I cant understand why they would think I would do that.. I just wanted to go gym and get healthy, not go out and be dishonest to my wife... My wife has always been insecure which I don't understand personally, I am far from I would call an attractive guy, I have some female friends and she is always questioning about them, she doesn't realise she does it most of the time, she is quite insecure and i don't understand why she has always been like that.

    While in season 2 we got some bad news about where we was staying and found out we had to move, we was pretty worried because we had no plans no savings, we had some debt and we didn't know where to go. I did sit my wife down and talked to her and reassured her we was going to be ok. We was always OK, whenever we had a problem I always seemed to find a way to fix it, it was something I was good at. Usualy my wife would trust me on this, but this time it was different because we had our son, and it wasn't just her she had to think about, it but a lot of doubt on us and our future, and I can understand why, we had a lot of tears and worries and arguments over this, but in the end we did get something sorted, in fact we got the almost perfect scenario for her and for that she is happy and loves where we live now. The problem I have is that due to all the arguing and everything, the home we have been in for around 4 months now still doesn't feel like my home, it feels like hers and my sons home. I haven't truly settled and I think its because even though we now live her and have a beautiful home, that due to all the arguing I have never settled.

    We talked alot about me and not much about my wife and it would not be fair to not say what she has told me otherwise this might seem very one way traffic. I did mention earlier my wife had an eating disorder, when she fell pregnant the second time, it was probably the best time of our relationship, we had no cares, no worries, we was just looking forward to our son, we ate what we wanted and all we could think about was him being born, we had some scary moments and the birth didn't go as planed (who's does right?) but during her pregnancy and his birth was the happiest time of our lives. It wasn't till I started to change my lifestyle that things went bad. My wife first of all had to go back to work, this was very hard for her, we always planned this but when it came to it, she found it very very hard. I did try and got a job seeing how unhappy she was, but the problem was my income alone was not enough to pay the bills we had it just couldn't be done. she was on too good a salary for me to get anywhere near, so my wife still had her job so she went back to her's as it payed considerably more and made us much more financially stable, she was even able to drop a day a week and still earn more than I could on a basic wage job. So we carried on, the arguing carried on it wasn't bad than, it was just more than usual, and I thought to myself, its ok, it will settle down this is just a rough patch, but will be ok. Unfortunately this never happened and with all the things I listed above it made things worst. Furthermore my wife relapsed into her eating disorder. This was very hard for me and even more this time because it was at a new extreme. Her last eating disorder she did slimming world and alot of exercise and skipping day time meals, but she was happier and just been through the trauma of loosing our first pregnancy so I didn't feel there was much I could do, we still ate meals together and that was OK. This time however was much worse, she would say how she had stomach pain and couldn't eat. I would make her meals of tiny portions and she would eat 1 or 2 mouthfuls and complain of her stomach hurting. I was listening to her without her knowing go upstairs and make herself sick, she would barely eat anything. I tried to talk to her about this and on the very rare occasions we did explain that she needs to eat more or speak to someone about this as I was getting very concerned. She would always defend and say its just stress that's all, nothing else. But her eating got so bad she would barely sleep, she drank a crazy amount of coffee in the day with little to no food, and we lost one of the most important couple times together being dinner times. I started going gym more at dinner times as I lost the passion to cook for her anymore, I probably gave up too easy here, but when i spent the time to make a meal just for her, i cooked stuff I knew she loved to see it snubbed up and untouched just made me feel like why bother? As said I did try and talk to her every week at most points but she was very defensive. I know eating disorders are not simple and can be quite complex, and I did try and be patient with her, this went on for over 6 months, I even told her that food was such a big part of our relationship because in all honesty it was. Meal time was our family time, we always sat at the table had a meal all together and talked, and we had lost that. It is only last week my wife who had a small blip with something, told me that she needs help and needs a doctor. We saw the doctor and she opened up while I was there.

    Before I tell you what she was thinking I want you to know that I have been questioning us as a couple for the last few months now. It is now at a point where i really do believe my wife would be much happier without me in her life. She may not see that and it may not reflect it, with what I have said so much, but she would be able to do everything she wants in life. She is a very attractive women not just by looks but personality, she would in time meet someone who can provide more than I can a lot more than I can... She would have a completely different lifestyle and I am sure be much happier without me now, she is young and has her whole life and family with her.

    I am trying to be honest about everything so the other thing is due to her eating she is now very underweight, around 7st currently, she is still my wife and I love her, but in all honesty I have lost my physical attraction to her, this is not the sole purpose of this, and i don't want to seem an ass hole i'm just being honest, she seems completely different to the women i fell in love with and married and had a child with not just physically but emotionally and personality wise. Our arguments have brought out another side in her, she isn't a horrible person she never could be, but some times the arguments, she gets more angry than usual and I just don't know what do anymore. When we was at the doctors she told them that she had contemplated suicide, and this was not the first time. When the doctor talked to her she admitted about her eating disorder, and how she feels as a person. She said the only reason she didn't go through with it was because of our son. This had quite and effect on me and is something I have been thinking about which has led to me writing this, all the time when we have argued and talked one thing has been clear. We both love our son very much with all our hearts. But her reasons for not going ahead wasn't for us or me, it was for him, I was never mentioned. My wife has said she is scared of loosing me and that we are going to fail, because her friends have always told her that, even her best friend apparently said this to her in our wedding day... but what I am saying is that from hearing what she said it has old made me think more and more she would be a lot happier without me. I opened up to my brother in law from my sister, a few months ago and he even joked last week she would be happier without me, but truth be told she really would be. Every time we argue or I am left with our thoughts I keep getting that song in my head "Happier - by marshmallow" the soul of the song is that, this is the hardest thing he did but he did it to make her happier in the long run. (this song speaks a lot to me and has done for some time now).

    My fear at the moment isn't about where I would live, how I would survive, I don't care about me, I can always get through things its something I've always done and have no doubt I could get through this. But my biggest fear is regarding my son. I am scared that when and she "will" one day meet another person, that he will take my son away from me. When we have talked she has said she would never stop me seeing my son and being a part of my life, but I don't want to be replaced. She said she doesn't want a broken family who argues over who has him at Christmas when in all honesty I wouldn't be like that. He is my everything I would want him to be happy not see us arguing if we split. I would want a healthy relationship with my wife also if we did, I know it would be hard for us both but it would be best for our son. I don't want another person coming in and becoming "Dad". I want to be the dad to my son I love him so much I couldn't bare that happening and in all honesty is my biggest fear of us if we broke up. At the same time I do feel he is the sole reason we are still together to this day, I love him so damn much he makes me so happy that I know I will miss him like crazy, hes not 2 yet and he is so young, I don't want to miss his life.

    There is more i could say but I feel i talked about the core. I don't know how this is structured or what I said is wrong or write, I kinda just let myself type and vent off stuff.. I don't know where to go from here, we are at our lowest point and I don't know what to do, If i am honest and i should be, i feel like this is it, its just a matter of time, not if, but when. And that like i said, it might hurt her and me now and even our son, but in the long run would be just be happier? are we just growing apart? My head is spinning right now.. sorry for the long post.
    Last edited by Corsair; 05-27-2019 at 06:03 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    What you can do is suggest marriage therapy to communicate better and try to understand each other more. Also you can read up on the laws in your jurisdiction regarding child custody/visitation and child support if you have concerns about that.

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