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Thread: In so much pain after breakup with Narc

  1. #1

    In so much pain after breakup with Narc

    This post is more a cry for help. I feel I've exhausted talking to my friends.
    At the moment, I'm at my all time lowest. I think I'm hoping for people with similar experiences to share their stories and how they got past it. I feel like I'm a little insane.
    Before I explain the situation, I just want to say that I have been in longer, better quality relationships that I got over quite easily when they broke down.
    This particular relationship however, has left me dead inside.
    I'll have to summarise as briefly as I can.
    We lived together and were together for 4 years.
    Hes one of those guys who has to be in the right all of the time. Any argument, I ended up apologising. I caught him sexting his ex student during our 2nd year together. We worked through it and were okay.
    He never made me feel confident. The sex was always about him. I started getting a little depressed but did not realise it.
    Here's one for you. He kept his dating profile on for about a year after we got together. When I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he insisted it was my issue and that I needed to trust him. I then said, well everyone knows we are together so one of our friends may see you on there. His response was "oh yeah that wont look good, I better delete my account"
    Everything he did was to please everyone else. If we were with my family, he would be really affectionate towards me. Showing off I guess.
    He did have some nice moments at home. I guess that's what I held on to. But if I ever brought anything up that made him feel like I was criticising him, he turned it on me saying it was always my issue and I had to deal with it.
    I always wanted his children but he told me he could never have one as it means putting them first. But he did make comments like "I can see us with a family"
    Okay so the situation is this. I caught him sexting his work mate. He left that night and I was distraught. He left me with the house and everything in it (rented) and I was in pieces.
    I'd receive messages from his mum saying how sorry he was and how much he had missed me. Then I'd receive a message from him saying the same and we started hanging out again. Then he went cold and stopped talking!
    3 weeks later, the same thing. A message from his mum, followed by a message from him. We spoke about starting over and he was due to come over on the Wednesday. Then a bombshell was dropped on him. The girl at his work is pregnant. He slept with her after we broke up and shes keeping it. He told me that they dont get along etc.

    We briefly spoke yesterday, but it turned into an argument and I did say some harsh things I must admit. Because I'm jealous because I wanted to have children with him!

    Well today, he told me he showed his mum our argument. Shes told him he has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve what I said. Apparently she also told him that he was always unhappy with me.
    He has also told me that the girl is not the reason we broke up, he said it was because I was not showing him enough affection. He told me to stop telling people that I caught him sexting because he had done nothing wrong.

    I have removed him from all social media and his number. But these mind games have taken a toll on me. I know, I should have ran for the hills ages ago but something sucked me in! I hate myself so much.
    It's so hard knowing that he is going to have a child with someone else when we were working towards that. Well, that's how it felt. I feel like in going insane. Even now, I know he is the one who messed up, but I'm blaming myself! For sticking around but also for neglecting him.

    How did any of you get through stuff like this? I've tried everything, gym, haircut, you name it and nothing has worked! I'm 30, no kids, and i feel so very lost. Never in my life have I felt like this. Every day is a struggle.

    Sorry for ranting. But thank you so much for reading.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I'm thinking you should be grateful that it's over. A narcissistic mama's boy has repeatedly cheated on you and never shown you a modicum of respect. Why do you think this was ok?

    Its more about your lack of self-respect than anything else. You stayed with someone who clearly didn't value you. Do you think you can't do better? Work on your self image and stop hooking up with losers. Find someone who appreciates you.

  3. #3
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    Don't understand why you continued with him after the texting incident. This should have been over, long ago. That is on you.

    He showed you, over and over, that he is a lying, disrespectful, cheating jerk. I suggest some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues. Focus on you, not him. You ALLOWED this to go on for a very long time. You are NOT a victim in this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain, truly.

    Sometimes we need to get burned—hard, and repeatedly—to learn that nothing good comes from touching certain burners. This relationship is that lesson—or should be—for you.

    Because like Sarah said above, it sounds like you are right now in the best position you've been in regarding him in the past four years—free of him. What feels like pain and confusion right now should—if you're willing to do some reflection—come to be seen as the best thing that could have happened. What feels like a love lost should—if you're up for hard work—become love gained: love for yourself.

    The dude you described just flat-out sucks: so insecure that he can't help courting attention left and right; his whole identity caught up in getting laid, literally and figuratively; still emotionally nursing at mamma's teat into adulthood; and prone to gaslighting the moment someone calls him out for sucking in all the ways he knows he sucks. He's not even man, but just a lame little boy.

    And he's made his bed now, tucked himself snuggly into a little prison of his own creation. The sexting, the staying active on the dating site—which, let's be real, was always just him cheating on you in one way or another—well, it's led him into a bind that will now define his life forever. You can't slither and gaslight a baby out of existence, much as I'd bet he'd love to. His red flags are now his robe. Whether he learns to wear them with some grace—well, who the hell cares?

    That is his life, his suckiness, his self-created swamp—nothing to do with you, not a verdict on you. So don't make it that. Because while all that hurts, it's also the easier path, the ego-driven path that keeps you right where you are by avoiding what is really the hardest thing about all this: understanding what inside of you allowed this guy to get under your skin and twist you around for so long—the part of yourself, per your words, that you "hate."

    Time to get intimate with that hate, to learn to stare it the eye under bright lights. That's how you dispel it, turn it into something you can love—so you can love yourself and then seek out people who will love you equally. Those who fail to love you as you want to be loved—who sext, who stay on dating apps, who whatever—they are the ones you'll just walk away from. Sh*t happens, of course, which is to say you'll encounter plenty more sh*ts out there in the world. Key is just to learn to call sh*t sh*t, and move on to better smelling pastures the moment it rears its head.

    Good news here: You're so young! I know 30 feels like some marker, but you are young. Accept this moment for what it is—a big nasty mess you got into—and figure out why you got into it and there's a great future for you. You'll be out with friends, sipping wine, talking about that sucky dude you got tangled up with for a minute in your late 20s—some guy you barely think about anymore and when you do it's with a chuckle. Then you'll go home, give your awesome husband who loves you a kiss, and see how the baby's doing in the crib.

    You asked how you get through this? It's not just through crunches and new haircuts. It's standing naked before yourself, accepting who you are, figuring out how you got here so you can get to where you're going. You can wail and moan for a bit—that's life, we're all allowed that. But then it's about standing tall and letting go and not letting a lousy chapter define the story.

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  6. #5
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    You've done the right thing by removing him from social media. It's obvious that his way of thinking comes from how he was raised based on how his mom treats him (he's innocent no matter what he's done to someone). The way you're felling is 100% natural. I will tell you what you're doing wrong; trying to find an immediate cure, and driving yourself crazy trying to find temporary remedies to distract you from the hurt for just a little while. These are not the steps you need to take. The #1 thing you need to remember is time heals. In the mean time you can take steps to help yourself through this long healing process. Cut off all communication. No texts, calls, social media, anything. It is bad for your self esteem to cling onto what is and was an abusive relationship. Don't seek validation by hooking up or jumping into a relationship. Find yourself again. Loneliness can be taken as an opportunity to love and entertain yourself and remind yourself of why you are and always will be better than that jerk.

    Hope this helps.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Angelic2019
    I caught him sexting his ex student during our 2nd year together. We worked through it and were okay.
    No, you didn't "work through" the sexting incident. He explained it away somehow, probably making it seem like it was all her, and you cried, and he held you, and he made promises, and blah blah blah.....and you found him to still have his dating profile, and well....here you are.

    How you work through it is, you block, delete, complete NC, and move on. Eventually, one day, you'll look back and realize that you should have left at the very first lie,

    And you get yourself some therapy to figure out why you stayed so long.

    I'm sorry. I've been there, so I'm not beating you up. You can check my posting history to see just how much garbage I put up with. Once you are on the other side of it, you want to slap yourself. I know I do.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    First things first going down the diagnosis route leaves you stuck, ruminating on him. Which deep down is what you want to do, so while the internet leads you to believe it’s healthy, it’s actually the opposite of that

    Also, while I fully believe when you say other breakups didn’t hurt you, the fact is he’s not magical, that’s what the diagnosis crap allows you to do avoid any self reflection and to put it all on him, he sounds like an absolute jerk and if you were emotionally healthy you would have left long ago, you chose to stay, that’s a huge indication of something lacking in you not him. He’s a piece of work, no question about that but just like vampires, he only got in because you let him in. It doesn’t sound like he was ever a great partner. You had incompatibilities( children) your communication was off ( never admitted he was wrong)

    Yet you’re hurt you didn’t bear his child... let that sink in... you wanted to have a baby by a man you say is a narcissist.

    Let’s look in the mirror here a bit..

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I've tried everything, gym, haircut, you name it and nothing has worked!
    That's because you need to do much more than a superficial makeover to get you where you need to be so the help of a professional therapist should be on your list of things to do for yourself so that you stop such narratives as: "I feel so jealous because I wanted to have a child with him." going on in your head.

    Think about it ~ Did you really want to be tied to the likes of him and his enabling mother in your life for the rest of your life due to having a child tie you to him? Please, surely you must know you need to learn how to believe that you deserve better than the two of them... and therapy will help you to believe.

    Be glad he's gone. Block and delete him and sit and reflect why you didn't dump him when he didn't delete his online dating profile after being with you 'exclusively' for more than a year.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You're right, nothing 'works' to heal grief but time, distance, and reconnecting with people you care about--making the time about them-not-you while you focus on helping them with their projects, chores, errands, meals and creating good memories for them during a time when you can't enjoy much yourself. This will help to ground you and 'normalize' a focus beyond the ex, and it will eventually inspire you to start creating a fabulous future for yourself.

    This is the opposite of using people as a sounding board for continuing rumination and stagnation, because it moves you out of your own way in order to prevent people from worrying about you--or tiring of sad-sap stories that would only keep you focused on staying miserable. Instead, put commitments to show up for people on your calendar that you'll keep, no matter how much you don't feel like it at the moment. Emotions follow behaviors, not the other ay around. This doesn't preclude you from occasional bouts of the boo-hoos with a tissue box, but it limits that time and moves your focus onto the next commitment you won't break.

    This is the stuff that strengthens bonds with people you may have neglected while focused on the relationship. You don't need to be 'on' to entertain as you treat people to meals or events, but rather it allows you to relax that effort as you listen to others talk about themselves while your ego takes a back seat. You'll find gratitude in these moments for a new way of feeling valued that can only be experienced, not imagined.

    Read up on the 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, which are not neat and linear measurements of where you are in your healing process, but rather cycles that will make you feel crazy at times as they repeat and repeat until you've worked them through.

    I'd make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a path of growth and development that will move you to higher ground. You'll find a new perspective there, and you'll thank yourself. Consider using a therapist to help you navigate this path, and begin with a choice to trust the process rather than berate yourself for not healing immediately.

    Healing starts with a decision to move forward rather than to stagnate in rumination, which would only drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of. Choose wisely.

  11. #10
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    This dude is a full blown narcissist..block, delete, and run away from him..if i were u if u could i would relocate fall of the planet earth...him and his mommie can kick rocks


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