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Getting Walked on By an Aggressive Panhandler


JayR

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I was at the grocery store today and a man came up to me while the checker was ringing me up. He sat a beer can on the pay counter and says "hey man, you got that for me, right?"

It was a stunning thing that I had just witnessed: someone so shameless and disrespectful would not only think to do this, but actually attempt it. I really thought he was playing a joke, which I truly thought was a cruel one for my tastes. I'm the type to really go out of my way to mind my own business, but there are different people in this world.

So as I'm frozen, he doesn't relent and the checker doesn't know what to do. I proceed to pay for my stuff so that the checker won't have any trouble and hoping that I can just walk away from this weird event.

And quickly he gives me the sob story - I know it's BS - but, I actually did buy it for him. Last minute, I couldn't believe that I would stoop so low as to reward his poor life decisions and shamelessness, all for what? Beer?

There are far more righteous causes that I work to avoid giving to because I really don't have the money: even with the cash I've saved I'm $60K in the red. And here I am giving away mony just because I'm afraid of conflict.

I read all the alpha male resources, I try to stay in my own lane and this crap follows me and I completely drop-the-ball in standing up for myself. I could blame the environment (I know I don't want to visit that store ever again), I could blame the town in which I live (I'm sick of the place anyway), but even if I do leave (which I hope to do very soon), I'm not supposed to let stuff like this happen. How do I deal with events like these? Is there a "chump vibe" that I keep giving off?

Compliance like this can be a deadly thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

Should I contact the store manager to explain what happened and at least alert other shoppers what's been going on?

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Stop being so hard on yourself about this. It's not the end of the world. You can't undo the past. You bought a beer for the guy and that's that. In the future, stand your ground and learn to say, "NO." Don't be afraid to speak up. Don't cave. Don't blame the town, grocery store or any place where you run your errands. There is nothing wrong with you. No, don't contact the store manager nor explain anything. No, don't have the manager alert other shoppers. Other shoppers have a voice and will use it. They know how to say, "NO." Practice declining and have no fear. No one will kill you for saying "NO" to buying a beer.

 

In the past, I was soft, too. Over time, I've learned to be tough and strong as will you. It takes practice. I was once a doormat. Not anymore. I never allow anyone to take advantage of me.

 

You are not a chump. Stand your ground and with practice you will get better and grow more confident to say "NO" and really mean it. You'l be ok, JayR.

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I was at the grocery store today and a man came up to me while the checker was ringing me up. He sat a beer can on the pay counter and says "hey man, you got that for me, right?"

It was a stunning thing that I had just witnessed: someone so shameless and disrespectful would not only think to do this, but actually attempt it. I really thought he was playing a joke, which I truly thought was a cruel one for my tastes. I'm the type to really go out of my way to mind my own business, but there are different people in this world.

So as I'm frozen, he doesn't relent and the checker doesn't know what to do. I proceed to pay for my stuff so that the checker won't have any trouble and hoping that I can just walk away from this weird event.

And quickly he gives me the sob story - I know it's BS - but, I actually did buy it for him. Last minute, I couldn't believe that I would stoop so low as to reward his poor life decisions and shamelessness, all for what? Beer?

There are far more righteous causes that I work to avoid giving to because I really don't have the money: even with the cash I've saved I'm $60K in the red. And here I am giving away mony just because I'm afraid of conflict.

I read all the alpha male resources, I try to stay in my own lane and this crap follows me and I completely drop-the-ball in standing up for myself. I could blame the environment (I know I don't want to visit that store ever again), I could blame the town in which I live (I'm sick of the place anyway), but even if I do leave (which I hope to do very soon), I'm not supposed to let stuff like this happen. How do I deal with events like these? Is there a "chump vibe" that I keep giving off?

Compliance like this can be a deadly thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

Should I contact the store manager to explain what happened and at least alert other shoppers what's been going on?

 

He might be shameless or disrespectful in your eyes.

But he never thought he would end up there.

Maybe as little as a couple years ago he was married with kids ?

Why didn’t you ask him if he was ok?

Why are you afraid of people in need?

Yes sure he wanted a beer? But you have no idea of the plight he has gone through.

 

Next to my work is a hospital for the mentally ill.

They cone asking for cigarettes etc which most people decline to give.

But they suffer from an illness.

 

Be kind! If you can’t afford it then simply say so.

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You are taking this one isolated episode awfully hard, which usually indicates there's a lot of built-up resentment over other things.

 

Could you have said no? Sure. But is your compliance necessarily a reflection of an overall weak character or personality flaw? No.

 

I would challenge you to think about what this event triggered in you, and why. I doubt your self-loathing is connected to just this incident. What else has been going on that has you feeling so low?

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Jay, why exactly did you feel pressured to buy this bum a beer? Do you give off vibes of being an easy target? You need to stand your ground and not let people take advantage of you.

 

When he said, "You got this, right?" you should have just smiled at him and said, "No I don't" and proceeded with your purchase. If he continued to press the matter, you could threaten to call the police.

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I was at the grocery store today and a man came up to me while the checker was ringing me up. He sat a beer can on the pay counter and says "hey man, you got that for me, right?"

It was a stunning thing that I had just witnessed: someone so shameless and disrespectful would not only think to do this, but actually attempt it. I really thought he was playing a joke, which I truly thought was a cruel one for my tastes. I'm the type to really go out of my way to mind my own business, but there are different people in this world.

So as I'm frozen, he doesn't relent and the checker doesn't know what to do. I proceed to pay for my stuff so that the checker won't have any trouble and hoping that I can just walk away from this weird event.

And quickly he gives me the sob story - I know it's BS - but, I actually did buy it for him. Last minute, I couldn't believe that I would stoop so low as to reward his poor life decisions and shamelessness, all for what? Beer?

There are far more righteous causes that I work to avoid giving to because I really don't have the money: even with the cash I've saved I'm $60K in the red. And here I am giving away mony just because I'm afraid of conflict.

I read all the alpha male resources, I try to stay in my own lane and this crap follows me and I completely drop-the-ball in standing up for myself. I could blame the environment (I know I don't want to visit that store ever again), I could blame the town in which I live (I'm sick of the place anyway), but even if I do leave (which I hope to do very soon), I'm not supposed to let stuff like this happen. How do I deal with events like these? Is there a "chump vibe" that I keep giving off?

Compliance like this can be a deadly thing. What the hell is wrong with me?

Should I contact the store manager to explain what happened and at least alert other shoppers what's been going on?

 

I cannot believe that you are so upset regarding the situation. All you had to say is NO.

 

Dude, this is not a big deal! If this is the worst of your problems, you are doing really well! This scenario happens to me at least once a day.

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He might be shameless or disrespectful in your eyes.

But he never thought he would end up there.

Maybe as little as a couple years ago he was married with kids ?

Why didn’t you ask him if he was ok?

Why are you afraid of people in need?

Yes sure he wanted a beer? But you have no idea of the plight he has gone through.

 

Next to my work is a hospital for the mentally ill.

They cone asking for cigarettes etc which most people decline to give.

But they suffer from an illness.

 

Be kind! If you can’t afford it then simply say so.

 

Many are suffering from a mental illness due to a drug addiction.

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I cannot believe that you are so upset regarding the situation. All you had to say is NO.

 

Dude, this is not a big deal! If this is the worst of your problems, you are doing really well! This scenario happens to me at least once a day.

 

Agree.Save your kindness for the little old lady (or old man) who looks like she is buying just absolute necessities and is 2 dollars short and needs to put things back - their smile disappears when they search every pocket. Or someone who is using a WIC card for their baby and is short on one or 2 things that are fruits/veggies or baby needs.

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You are taking this one isolated episode awfully hard, which usually indicates there's a lot of built-up resentment over other things.

 

Could you have said no? Sure. But is your compliance necessarily a reflection of an overall weak character or personality flaw? No.

 

I would challenge you to think about what this event triggered in you, and why. I doubt your self-loathing is connected to just this incident. What else has been going on that has you feeling so low?

 

I've built up a decent amount of savings over the past couple of years. The goal of that savings is to move out and away. Lately, my father and I have moved into yet another apartment together and with that came quite a bit of expenses. The last thing I need right now is to have some random stuff come chipping away at my funds. Plus, he really reminded me of my Dad, lookswise.

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Jay, why exactly did you feel pressured to buy this bum a beer? Do you give off vibes of being an easy target? You need to stand your ground and not let people take advantage of you.

 

When he said, "You got this, right?" you should have just smiled at him and said, "No I don't" and proceeded with your purchase. If he continued to press the matter, you could threaten to call the police.

 

Guy came up to me out of nowhere and was standing right there next to me. That alone kinda scared me. Plus, yeah in all honesty, I didn't want a physical altercation, especially over a $2 can of beer. That or the possibility of losing a fight, winning one but still getting wounded or just being arrested for being in one, especially with a (near) senior citizen? I dunno.

And I was in a rush to get home. I was already running errands for my Dad, which was why I was out there anyway. Oddly enough I ran into two very long lights, like fate wanted me to really mull over the situation.

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Dude, just say, sorry, I can't . This is not a big deal! That is it!

Good grief! No one is going to fight you if you do not buy them beer, or give them money. You have taken

this scenario to the extreme.

You need to chill out.

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Dude, just say, sorry, I can't . This is not a big deal! That is it!

Good grief! No one is going to fight you if you do not buy them beer, or give them money. You have taken

this scenario to the extreme.

You need to chill out.

 

Come on. You’re being harsh. People freeze in situations like this all the time. I guarantee you’ve frozen - everyone does.

 

OP, you’ll do better next time it happens. I agree with your analysis, don’t make a big deal over $2 beer for now, and be prepared for the next time a strange situation like this happens.

 

And Holly, an altercation MAY happen. Where I live, people have been shot for cutting someone off in traffic. A homeless man once stood at my car and asked for money and eventually showed me an oozing wound. I gave him money to leave me alone, because I couldn’t tell if he was threatening me. The world is a scary place and sometimes it’s good to just take the easy route out.

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Come on. You’re being harsh. People freeze in situations like this all the time. I guarantee you’ve frozen - everyone does.

 

OP, you’ll do better next time it happens. I agree with your analysis, don’t make a big deal over $2 beer for now, and be prepared for the next time a strange situation like this happens.

 

And Holly, an altercation MAY happen. Where I live, people have been shot for cutting someone off in traffic. A homeless man once stood at my car and asked for money and eventually showed me an oozing wound. I gave him money to leave me alone, because I couldn’t tell if he was threatening me. The world is a scary place and sometimes it’s good to just take the easy route out.

 

He was in the store on front of a bunch of people, not in a dark alley. I do not think that this guy had anything to fear. One simply says, no, I am sorry. This was blown all out of proportion.

 

Dogs, i live in NYC and deal with this situation, every day. I do not know anyone that has had an incident where they were assaulted for not giving money in a public place. Ever,

 

Cutting someone off in traffic is a different situation, and people can get crazy in their cars. I am very careful when driving. Totally different situation. I would not have rolled my window down for that guy, that can be dangerous.. Your lucky something did not happen.

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He was in the store on front of a bunch of people, not in a dark alley. I do not think that this guy had anything to fear. One simply says, no, I am sorry. This was blown all out of proportion.

 

And no crimes are ever committed in front of people... and no, you NEVER freeze... and no, no one ever posts a thread that is blown out of proportion here...

 

Geeze. I think you’re the one that needs to calm down here.

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And no crimes are ever committed in front of people... and no, you NEVER freeze... and no, no one ever posts a thread that is blown out of proportion here...

 

Geeze. I think you’re the one that needs to calm down here.

 

Whatever..

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I didn’t roll my window down. He was standing at my car as I walked out with my groceries.

 

A guy got assaulted by a homeless man during the rush hour commute on the way to his train in my old city. The guy hit him with a skateboard and almost took his ear off along with other head trauma. Another one of my coworkers had to eat all liquid food through a straw because a homeless man broke her jaw.

 

It happens. To say it doesn’t is naive.

 

I think the risk is lower in a grocery store. Sure. But out of the realm of possibility? No.

 

Oh, so it’s justified to kill someone who cuts you off? That’s a reasonable reaction? My point is that people are not reasonable. Getting cut off is angering, but does not warrant violence.

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I didn’t roll my window down. He was standing at my car as I walked out with my groceries.

 

A guy got assaulted by a homeless man during the rush hour commute on the way to his train in my old city. The guy hit him with a skateboard and almost took his ear off along with other head trauma. Another one of my coworkers had to eat all liquid food through a straw because a homeless man broke her jaw.

 

It happens. To say it doesn’t is naive.

 

 

 

I think the risk is lower in a grocery store. Sure. But out of the realm of possibility? No.

 

Oh, so it’s justified to kill someone who cuts you off? That’s a reasonable reaction? My point is that people are not reasonable. Getting cut off is angering, but does not warrant violence.

I stand corrected. I still don't think that this guy was going to get violent in a grocery store.

 

I never said that cutting off people in a car warranted violence. I don't know where you got that. I said, that people get more nuts in their cars.

 

If you want to contribute to everyone who asks you for beer or drug money, go ahead. It's not my money.

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Guy came up to me out of nowhere and was standing right there next to me. That alone kinda scared me. Plus, yeah in all honesty, I didn't want a physical altercation, especially over a $2 can of beer. That or the possibility of losing a fight, winning one but still getting wounded or just being arrested for being in one, especially with a (near) senior citizen? I dunno.

And I was in a rush to get home. I was already running errands for my Dad, which was why I was out there anyway. Oddly enough I ran into two very long lights, like fate wanted me to really mull over the situation.

 

If you were inside a store, its not like its midnight at a bus stop with no one around. How would a fight at a grocery store reasonably occur? Just say "dude, i am underaged and can't buy" as a joke to lighten the situation and leave

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Forgive yourself for giving 2$ to a cause you didn't find worthy. It's not a big deal. Resolve to handle a similar situation differently if it were to come up due to your own moral code.

 

No one follows their own code perfectly.

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And no crimes are ever committed in front of people... and no, you NEVER freeze...

 

I saw a man attack his wife and two little girls in the middle of a crowded IKEA.

 

WHOLE STORE FROZE as he screamed in their faces and the little girls sank to the floor sobbing.

 

It was horrifying. Especially the part where we all froze.

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I saw a man attack his wife and two little girls in the middle of a crowded IKEA.

 

WHOLE STORE FROZE as he screamed in their faces and the little girls sank to the floor sobbing.

 

It was horrifying. Especially the part where we all froze.

 

Exactly!

 

Holly, I NEVER said I would give a man my money in that situation. I was saying we need to give OP a break, because it’s hard to react when an unexpected situation pops up. And if you’re concerned for safety, what’s $2?

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Growing up I was part of a rich family, got straight As until the culture shock was too much for me in a quasi catholic highschool where the priest was a standing joke.

 

Smoked pot with some real lose friends, life was never the same again. Dropped out of college after a year of 0.0 to save dad some money. Got a job. Got diagnosed with schitziophrenia. Ended up in a complex with people who were taken straight off the streets in a humanitarian effort.

 

I learned their struggle and their humor.

 

If that guy wanted beer and said, you bought that for me didn't you, he was punking you. He didn't need that beer. He thought you were a chump or he was just testing to see if he could get something free. Because it was only beer, you could have just flicked him off and told him to get a job. He probably would have laughed.

 

Because this was beer, there's really nothing serious on either side.

 

You have the right to call the store manager, if you're mad or worried you can do that. The store manager will either increase security in the store in a serious way, or he'll just assure you it won't happen again and sip some coffee when you hang up. No harm done either way.

 

Just know others behavior is completely out of your control and in this soft democratic society we've got to put up with a lot of junk from anyone who wants to give out junk.

 

It actually might be the town. If you dont like it there return to the last happiest place. That's what I did, and I'm so much happier.

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